Hope and Dreams

 I thought back again while looking at the old photos. And I realised that my feelings with my ex were that he was hot in my eyes, with a personality that I could take. Chill, and good at chinese, and patient most of the times. 

Then I recalled me visiting the ghost guy place, and he met me at the bus stop and took me to the convenience store before turning around to give me a hug and smelled me. I had felt butterflies and I think it was the hope that crushed me more. I could foresee how we would get together. And I couldn't believe he had done that to me. But what's done is done, and he did it. Actions speak louder than words, which is why I don't trust guys who don't show their actions. I've been afraid of getting hurt. 

Yet I also want a guy who is stable. I'm wondering when would I meet the person closely affectionate? I had hoped that it was the gym guy, but I don't think it is, since his actions are very awkward now...

Fate

 I feel bad to ignore him. But I was done with his avoidant actions though it was subtle.

I don't know if he meant it, but I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to beg him to look at me. I am not going to initiate things with him I guess.

I believe in 運命. I believe that my right partner will not miss me. And I believe that he will be smart and loyal as well. I hope to manifest someone like that. I'll trust in the universe to bring him to me. 

I don't want to fight against it maybe

Features I kinda like about myself

 My round eyes, my soft nose, my round face, gives a sense of softness to my face. 

My (sort of high) nose. 

My slight dimples on my left and right cheek. 

My double eyelids. My full lips. 

I don't give off elegance, but I give off cute-energy.

But I can be smexy when I want to be. 

I can be a rabbit. I can be a cat. 

I love personal space, I don't like to chase, nor beg for attention. I don't need someone to spend so much time with.

Islander

 There's a really cute guy on the island called Hiro. I knew him when I first arrived, and he's a really quiet guy. But he's burly, and has a sweet smile. I did not think anything more about that.

A few weeks ago, I hit the gym and saw him with his friend. We just said hello, and went to our own things. But what surprised me was that he came forward to help spot me when I was working out. He touched my elbows and helped me push it upwards, and suddenly I felt my thirst take over me. It was just a very simple action, and I'm not a primary school kid. But I was touched by his attention towards me?

And now I have a crush on him... But I did a little snooping around and I gathered that he's not married, my age, and born in February. 

Either Aries or Pisces...

He dropped out of high school, which makes me raise an eyebrow though.

But I like his gentleness so far, like trying to talk to me, and helping me with workouts. I think he smells good too, and last Friday I felt a sense of panic because we were both wearing grey sweatpants and he had his hoodie on, while I wore a grey shirt as well. It was almost like a matching couple so I was flabbergasted when I realised it. Don't think Adel noticed it though hahaha...

I don't want to expect anything out of this. I'm quite sure it is just a crush, but I guess I am just absorbed by that sudden attention that he gave me, and the fact that we don't see each other much.

I still want to exchange LINE/ instagram with him, and just get to know him as a friend. 

I am scared of guys, which I told Tomoya that, because I've been hurt very badly. And that I didn't want to date any guys. But if it is Hiro, I would give it a try maybe? He seemed like a green flag so far, his friends are all green flags for now.

Reflection 2024

 2024 is coming to a close.

Today, we visited Sakurajima Island in Kagoshima and I loved it. But what really pissed me off is when I have a girl who was really chatty, and I just want to zone out. I told them in advance that I'd like to go back early to do some reflections and maybe call my family. 

But she took her time to eat her dinner, buy alcohol (took her 30 min to buy), and popped by 7-11 to try some new drinks. When I was trying to find the parking lot for the hotel, I asked if it was left or right. She just told me oh we went past family mart, it should be there. And I am like I don't know where is family mart, so left or right?

Then we missed a turn, and I just started to become even more pissed because I'm so fking exhausted from driving the whole day, and I don't have the fking GPS, and I needed someone to tell me where.

Then the parking came, it was a struggle for me because of the tight wall. Then she said maybe dorothy can explain to me. ??? Thankfully Jase offered to step out of the car to help me see the parking line. So it took me another 5-10 min to park the car, and tbh I was so fking done, and I dropped the fking bottle of alcohol which caused like 5 bucks. It shattered in my recyclable bag and I knew I was going to blow a fuse. I told them to go first because I can't even see the car key in the dark, my window was winded down, and my lights were on. That's why I was getting even more pissed because I have zero energy to even call my family for a new year call. And I miss them.

I really can't travel with adel. I am extremely thankful that this is probably the last time I go on an overseas travel with her since she is moving to tokyo, and also because she can be so fking noisy. 

But I don't know if it's my PMS or my exhaustion now. Anyway, other than today, 2024 has been crazy and it's a roller coaster. I am still thankfuk for (even the noisy girl) the people that I've met on this program, and the silver linings in everything so far.

I pray that 2025 will be a better year for me.

Game

 I saw that he checked out my account tonight (or ytd..?). On 2 Aug. Why? His profile appeared on my profile. 

I was shocked. Then I clicked on his profile to dig, and realised he has been playing everyday with the same group of friends. As I looked at his history, I found a username, which dawn upon me as my friend's bf. 

Meaning, he has been playing with his army friends everyday. I don't know when did it start; but he bought new skins. Beautiful skins. 

He has purposely checked me out to see if I've been winning matches.

I just feel so hurt again, and I really want to tell my friend that her boyfriend's friend is an asshole. But... what's the point? Indifference is best right? I'm just telling myself to focus over the next few days.

I've already deleted my convo with him. Even if he talks to me, I just can't think of a good reason for him anymore - to not talk to me for 6 months. It's so damn disrespectful to not let me know what's happening. 

And he still could play with his friends...? I think I'm just more disappointed in his choice now, he's really not the mature person I thought he was. And I'm done with that. 

Focus now on the new chapter.

Dream

 I cried as I deleted my tele conversation with him. My friend said even if I'm sure of him, if he is not sure of me, it won't work out. In this case, he's not sure about himself.

Anyway, I loved him and that's why it's still so hard on me. But the opposite of love is indifference. 

When I saw our texts, God. His warmth reverberated through me. Physically and emotionally. When he told me that I'm capable, smart and driven, and to not let whatever bad bosses, make me lose my drive or demotivate me.

Fuck sis, I really loved him. How did I fall so hard for this man after knowing him for 3 months? 

I continue to shed tears, but I know I will forget about him. I will push him out of my mind until he becomes distant. 

I hate this lesson, and I wished it ended better. I loved you Ben, through this 3 mths. It was short, but you gave me so much: the peace and joy. And you gave me knife cutting hurt and pain. 

The amount of disrespect shows how emotionally immature you are, and your insecurities. 

You're crazy. Yet I still dream of tracing my hands over the scar beside your eye. And I still dream for that embrace behind my back; and even the tight hug as you sniff my hair. How you held my hands. And how you looked at me with such gentle eyes and the soft wry smile of yours. How you teased me cutie and said you're afraid you cannot control yourself. Hella sexy.

I dream of touching your cheek, and you finally letting me into your world of darkness, and letting me light it up. I dream of you whispering loving words and supportive words to me as we lay down. Cuddling. I dream of your hand finally reaching for my face and tilting it up, as you bend over to place your lips over mine. Softly, just as you softly kissed my cheek back then. The genuine connection was there, it's not easy for me to find that but this happens.

I dream of the day I find a love like this, and it's even better than what I dream of.