Date

 It is official that my competitor has won the game. He is now officially dating her, and I found out 2 days ago through the grapevine. Today, I decided to take myself out and went to the gym earlier with my acquaintance. I did not want to meet him if I had gone my usual timing. After that, we went to a cafe that I really wanted to bring my acquaintance there since he hasn't gone there before. When we stepped in, and was led to a table, I looked around, and yeah, what are the chances? I saw Hiro and the girl together side by side, overlooking the ocean. Her voice was really loud, so it was undeniable that I would notice them first.

I was aghast, and texted my acquaintance ''THEY ARE HERE'' and he looked confused. He mouthed who, and I side-eyed. Then he slowly turned, and saw them. Then he was like shit, and then he texted ''do you want to change'' and I said ''to where'' and he said ''idk''. That dumbass. I said nvm, fuck them, and stayed put in my seat. He asked if we should say hi, and I said do we have to. And he said seems appropriate to do that, and I was like let me mentally prepare myself. Then I heard my name being said, and we both looked up. I stared at him, he said ''your friends coming''. Guess she was asking Hiro to the BBQ that I initiated. I wanted to facepalm myself so bad. But I am pretty sure that after today, he would not come to the BBQ. 

My acquaintance walked up to them to say hi, and said he came with me. They both turned, and I pitifully said hi from my table, because I had no intention of getting up. Hiro saw me, and he bashfully said hi, and I could tell that he was really uncomfortable that I saw them. Then I continued to speak to my acquaintance like they didn't exist, but they left shortly after. I think Hiro initiated that. He looked very bashful like I caught them red-handed. I think he knew my feelings and hence he didn't like it. 

But I feel okay. Strangely, I don't know why, but I was not VERY sad. I was shocked and flustered, but now I feel okay. Maybe I have come to terms that I am not his type, he wanted someone chatty to carry the conversation, but I am not like that. So yeah, it is better for him to date her then. Since I don't want to become someone that I am not. 

I am at peace, still shaken that I had to bump into them today of all days, after only finding out 2 days ago. But I know that even if I dated Hiro, it would not have lasted because the way he acts, just walking straight ahead without being considerate to the girl behind, that is such a turn-off for me. I prefer someone who takes care of me, not like that. So yes, I think I did a very good job of protecting my heart by backing off in early Aug, so I am not as upset as I would have been. 

So yes, good job girl, you have really grown.

Costly mistake

 Accepting my fate...

Just kinda pissed that I did arrive at the station earlier than planned, but did not find the platform... why are the signs so unclear!!! I know higashi entrance but I couldn't find the fucking entrance sigh.

Back up is to rebook, or take shinkansen. Costly but no choice.

Also probably have to take the midnight boat, cursing why there are no night boats cries

Divine Timing

 It was a festival, with fireworks shooting up into the sky. The sky blossomed with wonderful colours and as fast as it bloomed, it died. 

The same goes for my feelings. It bloomed, and withered. I teared slightly watching the fireworks. The knowledge that he was with someone else watching the same view. The realisation that I have a competitor. I know feelings cannot be controlled. Neither do I have the right to control anyone's actions and feelings. 

I wondered again, I am probably romanticizing the idea of dating a Jap. When I was young, I always told my parents I wanted to marry a Japanese. Partly because of the shoujo manga that I was obsessed with. They painted the men as a very masculine, and considerate people. Now I know there is nothing special. The people here are almost like... the dating pool is as crap as it is in SG. 

I am aware of myself - I still have some form of control over my emotions. I can choose how to react, and I know that I have to stop thinking about it to get over it. But at the same time, I don't think I should bottle up my feelings. They are not exploding. I just like to see him. The feeling around me, awkward. Somehow the awkward feeling seems to signal there is something there. Is it awkward because of something, or is it awkward because there is nothing? 

Am I attracted to the mystery? I don't think so. Am I attracted to how we are both soft spoken? And how we can switch in different situations? I don't know. I don't understand myself a lot of times. I also know I've been through a lot last year, don't I deserve a break? The sunlight beaming down upon me, I know it reminds me of the peace I seek so badly last year. The exhaustion in my heart. 

I think that the fondness of him in my heart, maybe it is a sign that I am gradually ready to love. I still remember how last year I had sworn off guys, because I felt like I could no longer trust. It opened my eyes to the fact that actions mean more than words. Now I am just seeing the actions. 

Hence the awkward behavior to me, signals it is either all or nothing. I think it is the latter one. But I know we would look good together, we both have round face and double eyelids. But then again, many humans here have that.. Here I am again, putting him on a pedestal. I am at least making sure I guard my heart, by not sharing information that makes me vulnerable when he has done nothing to deserve it. That was my mistake with the ghost guy.

I had picked the card about Divine Timing. I asked myself how do I make myself less anxious. It seems like the card was telling me that with the right person at the right time, I would not feel that way.

I recall the tarot reader saying that I will meet someone totally different, closely affectionate. And the card spoke that nothing comes too early, nothing leaves too early. I have to trust in the Divine Timing.

I don't plan to play games, so I don't think I need to avoid him, just to make him feel that there's something missing, and potentially discover his feelings for me. That's a load of fking bullshit. So I will just keep doing what I do. I will not choose him. He has rejected me in that roundabout way I guess, so there is no need to bring up my feelings. We will remain as gym buddies, that is all we can ever be. I know my worth, like being in Japan and all. An experience that no one else can replicate. I also graduated from a good university.

An ex-colleague once told me - what can you bring to the table? She was 28 years old then. Now she is 33 years old, and married another ex-colleague who became the last love of her life. He wholly accepts her, her craziness and lust for both pleasure and food. I think that is very beautiful.

I don't need to be impatient. Maybe I just wanted the physical touch of a man. But not really, I don't have the lust anymore after the trauma that I hurt someone I cared for and his partner. I just wanted company. A peaceful one where we would watch the sunset together. That is the kind of love I want. Where we would sit in the room, and play the music, and just enjoying it. Mundane things is what I need, and considerateness.

My friend told me that my birthday has the strongest spiritual power. My manifestation ain't working man. If it is not meant to be, nothing I can do. Again, hard lesson from ghost man. 

I don't seek to chase anyone. I can initiate from time to time, but nothing else. Actually I wish I have a clear sign that it is not worth my time and energy. I need to monitor my feelings more, and focus on myself. When I choose myself more, the right person and the Divine Timing will work out. I did choose myself by not constantly obsessing about him. I am able to enjoy my life without him - even if he chose not to come, I was normal. 

Now I hope this maintains. And I should not let my mood be affected by his actions. Because he is not worth it, until he proves himself. 

I should not be afraid of losing him - simply because nothing meant for me will leave too early. And he's not my usual type. Maybe his name also struck a chord in me, because it is similar to Big Hero 6, something I was obsessed with when I was a teenager. I still recall writing the song quote for my friend's birthday card. She's gone now, but I knew it spoke to her. 

[You're not alone, I'm by your side. When you're down, I'll be the one to make you smile. I'll wash away your tears, and the sun will shine its light on you.]

There's still a tiny hope that seeing me on Saturday with the yukata of the dusk, or rather, twilight with bursts of red, black and white, would be enough to shake something in his heart. I gotta say I looked really good in that. Not kawaii, but chio. My guy friend said I looked chio. So yes, gotta say it is one of my good looking moments in my life thus far, especially since I've been losing body weight here as well. Thin, and good looking right now. But I know, zero expectations of him changing his mind. As what Amanda said, guys will ALWAYS disappoint you. You will be 100% disappointed. So the validation that I need lies in myself, friends or God. It is still one of the best memories with Dorothy. We both looked so good, like the Light and Dark. 

May my heart shine like the dusk, and bathe the weary souls in the warmth. The safety to be themselves around me. May I continue to be authentic, like the coldness of the wind when I don't like someone. May my gut feelings continue to guide me in the right way, as I continue to tread the path carefully in Life. May my instincts protect me when it is necessary. The heaviness in my heart will fade eventually, and all of these will be a distant memory eventually.

Grass is always greener

I am envious of my friend's ability to hear well and speak fluently. She has lots of flaws - like she can't let go of a person. But she thinks that it is okay to love someone even if she continues to talk to that person. 

If that is what she believes, then let her be. It is her own choice and I've done what I needed.

I still like Hiro. I enjoy discovering little scavenges of info about him. For example, his favorite anime is Inuyusha, then Detective Conan, then One Piece, then Dragon Ball. I remember us laughing over it, because I played Naruto song on Spotify while we were gymming. He probably thought it has been such a long time since he heard it. He also knew what is KHR, because his sister was a big fan of it. 

It is like a beach. I'm digging sand, trying to discover the little bits of treasure to know what the beach really is like. What it houses. The corpses, the sea creatures, the written letters in the sand that is erased by the wind, sea and time. That's what I feel about him.

I think I really like the boundaries he has. My father was not able to respect my boundaries, have intruded it multiple times that it makes me so disgusted by anyone who broach the boundaries. But so far, he has been enforcing boundary. I enjoy talking to him. 

I might be projecting my thoughts. He felt like a bear. But a friend said he is Buttercup so he's likely to be hot tempered. I like the reliability he carries.

I like how I would not focus on him, I'll still talk to his friend. It is less turn off.

Spotting

 I don't think he's interested. He had never asked a question about me, and it felt like it was hard to continue the conversation. I don't know if it was like he didn't really put in the effort, or what.

But I wonder what I've learnt about myself. I think I'm... still attracted to grounded guys and i don't like it when guys are emotionally unavailable. I'm also observing my own behaviour, whether I'm able to hold my ground instead of obsessing. I think I'm able to pull back and do my own things. 

Am I comfortable with us just being gym buddies? I think it is more fun for sure. I wish we could just talk outside of gym, then maybe we could focus more on gymming. And not use the time to talk. I feel bad about it. 

I'm able to focus on other things like JPLT N3, SG trainings, house maintenance, ALT outings. I'm happy with that. 

I think he doesn't know much hence he can't carry the conversation...? Either that or he's shy..

But yesterday was the first time he spotted me in front of other ALT like lucas, but I wonder is it because his friend wasn't there. 

I think I'm also honing my own instincts; it's like energy sensing? 

But when I did the shoulder press, he spotted me, and held my elbow longer. Maybe he's just a really good spotter. 

Puffs

 I always liked writing. But it feels so long that I've written for myself. 

I've always been complaining, writing to get something off my chest. Always writing with a purpose outside of myself. 

But today, I just want to write for myself. To feel happy. 

Today I puffed two smokes for the very first time. It was peach flavoured, and it had a minty scent left on my lips. 

I could almost feel the after-effect pretty fast. Like my heart rate increasing. It was an interesting experience, and I can see how people do it as a social thing. 

Today, Nao probed me a lot. He asked what was ny dream. He asked what troubled me, why am I here. 

I told him frankly that I had to escape from my life. Because I was going through such a hard time. He said he hasn't tried putting himself into my shoes, and he said it must have been hard, especially with a language barrier. That made me cry a bit. Maybe the words that I had a hard time, was validating enough. 

I don't know if I've been shutting down my feelings for so long, just to move on. I thought I was alright. I think I'm still alright. But it is definitely harder in the sense that being a foreigner here, not being fluent, been looked down by people because I couldn't catch their words... it's hard in general, but I still love it here. 

I thought about the ocean. It was stunning under the 晴れ日. But I know that the people will change in just 2 months, with my friend leaving, and a new one coming. And I've not figured out the group dynamics.

I think to myself that it'll be hard all over again. If I don't get along with the new guy, I'm almost alone. Maybe?

I think about the gym guy. I kept requesting from chatgpt about how compatible we were based on our birthdays, but it kept changing. So I don't know. All I know is that we should keep it slow burning. Because I used to be like that. I didn't like a person until 6 months in. I liked his discipline and being rly, stoic. His height also helped. 

I think it's like 40% lust, and 60% of gravitating to his energy. The calm and no nonsense energy. It grounds me more. 

I think about love. And I think that the more you chase, the more it goes away. And hence, I'm not chasing him, I just like to see him, and I will try to create moments of interaction with him, without chasing. I enjoy knowing him more? But he's still closed off. 

I wonder about how my life would have been. 5 or 10 years down. 

I hope that I'll be happy again, and settled down with a partner that is emotionally available, and someone who treasures me.

Maybe my trauma has been about people who abandoned me. An emotionally volatile father. It made me so unsafe and he also kept crossing my boundaries and that's why I shut down. I can't do with a partner who is like that. 

I struggle with my supervisor who may be 看齐我. 

I think about the crow that flew off with the unagi pack, and my friend running to retrieve our food. 

I think about receiving his affection, how it may feel with his hands on me. The awkwardness has been better, it only started being better since the last 2 weeks. And that was because I finally managed to catch him alone in the gym. 

It took us almost... 2 months since the hanami. To kinda bring down the awkwardness. 

My black cat energy is uncontrollable. I choose selectively the people to spend time with. 

Hope and Dreams

 I thought back again while looking at the old photos. And I realised that my feelings with my ex were that he was hot in my eyes, with a personality that I could take. Chill, and good at chinese, and patient most of the times. 

Then I recalled me visiting the ghost guy place, and he met me at the bus stop and took me to the convenience store before turning around to give me a hug and smelled me. I had felt butterflies and I think it was the hope that crushed me more. I could foresee how we would get together. And I couldn't believe he had done that to me. But what's done is done, and he did it. Actions speak louder than words, which is why I don't trust guys who don't show their actions. I've been afraid of getting hurt. 

Yet I also want a guy who is stable. I'm wondering when would I meet the person closely affectionate? I had hoped that it was the gym guy, but I don't think it is, since his actions are very awkward now...