Spotting

 I don't think he's interested. He had never asked a question about me, and it felt like it was hard to continue the conversation. I don't know if it was like he didn't really put in the effort, or what.

But I wonder what I've learnt about myself. I think I'm... still attracted to grounded guys and i don't like it when guys are emotionally unavailable. I'm also observing my own behaviour, whether I'm able to hold my ground instead of obsessing. I think I'm able to pull back and do my own things. 

Am I comfortable with us just being gym buddies? I think it is more fun for sure. I wish we could just talk outside of gym, then maybe we could focus more on gymming. And not use the time to talk. I feel bad about it. 

I'm able to focus on other things like JPLT N3, SG trainings, house maintenance, ALT outings. I'm happy with that. 

I think he doesn't know much hence he can't carry the conversation...? Either that or he's shy..

But yesterday was the first time he spotted me in front of other ALT like lucas, but I wonder is it because his friend wasn't there. 

I think I'm also honing my own instincts; it's like energy sensing? 

But when I did the shoulder press, he spotted me, and held my elbow longer. Maybe he's just a really good spotter. 

Puffs

 I always liked writing. But it feels so long that I've written for myself. 

I've always been complaining, writing to get something off my chest. Always writing with a purpose outside of myself. 

But today, I just want to write for myself. To feel happy. 

Today I puffed two smokes for the very first time. It was peach flavoured, and it had a minty scent left on my lips. 

I could almost feel the after-effect pretty fast. Like my heart rate increasing. It was an interesting experience, and I can see how people do it as a social thing. 

Today, Nao probed me a lot. He asked what was ny dream. He asked what troubled me, why am I here. 

I told him frankly that I had to escape from my life. Because I was going through such a hard time. He said he hasn't tried putting himself into my shoes, and he said it must have been hard, especially with a language barrier. That made me cry a bit. Maybe the words that I had a hard time, was validating enough. 

I don't know if I've been shutting down my feelings for so long, just to move on. I thought I was alright. I think I'm still alright. But it is definitely harder in the sense that being a foreigner here, not being fluent, been looked down by people because I couldn't catch their words... it's hard in general, but I still love it here. 

I thought about the ocean. It was stunning under the 晴れ日. But I know that the people will change in just 2 months, with my friend leaving, and a new one coming. And I've not figured out the group dynamics.

I think to myself that it'll be hard all over again. If I don't get along with the new guy, I'm almost alone. Maybe?

I think about the gym guy. I kept requesting from chatgpt about how compatible we were based on our birthdays, but it kept changing. So I don't know. All I know is that we should keep it slow burning. Because I used to be like that. I didn't like a person until 6 months in. I liked his discipline and being rly, stoic. His height also helped. 

I think it's like 40% lust, and 60% of gravitating to his energy. The calm and no nonsense energy. It grounds me more. 

I think about love. And I think that the more you chase, the more it goes away. And hence, I'm not chasing him, I just like to see him, and I will try to create moments of interaction with him, without chasing. I enjoy knowing him more? But he's still closed off. 

I wonder about how my life would have been. 5 or 10 years down. 

I hope that I'll be happy again, and settled down with a partner that is emotionally available, and someone who treasures me.

Maybe my trauma has been about people who abandoned me. An emotionally volatile father. It made me so unsafe and he also kept crossing my boundaries and that's why I shut down. I can't do with a partner who is like that. 

I struggle with my supervisor who may be 看齐我. 

I think about the crow that flew off with the unagi pack, and my friend running to retrieve our food. 

I think about receiving his affection, how it may feel with his hands on me. The awkwardness has been better, it only started being better since the last 2 weeks. And that was because I finally managed to catch him alone in the gym. 

It took us almost... 2 months since the hanami. To kinda bring down the awkwardness. 

My black cat energy is uncontrollable. I choose selectively the people to spend time with. 

Hope and Dreams

 I thought back again while looking at the old photos. And I realised that my feelings with my ex were that he was hot in my eyes, with a personality that I could take. Chill, and good at chinese, and patient most of the times. 

Then I recalled me visiting the ghost guy place, and he met me at the bus stop and took me to the convenience store before turning around to give me a hug and smelled me. I had felt butterflies and I think it was the hope that crushed me more. I could foresee how we would get together. And I couldn't believe he had done that to me. But what's done is done, and he did it. Actions speak louder than words, which is why I don't trust guys who don't show their actions. I've been afraid of getting hurt. 

Yet I also want a guy who is stable. I'm wondering when would I meet the person closely affectionate? I had hoped that it was the gym guy, but I don't think it is, since his actions are very awkward now...

Fate

 I feel bad to ignore him. But I was done with his avoidant actions though it was subtle.

I don't know if he meant it, but I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to beg him to look at me. I am not going to initiate things with him I guess.

I believe in 運命. I believe that my right partner will not miss me. And I believe that he will be smart and loyal as well. I hope to manifest someone like that. I'll trust in the universe to bring him to me. 

I don't want to fight against it maybe

Features I kinda like about myself

 My round eyes, my soft nose, my round face, gives a sense of softness to my face. 

My (sort of high) nose. 

My slight dimples on my left and right cheek. 

My double eyelids. My full lips. 

I don't give off elegance, but I give off cute-energy.

But I can be smexy when I want to be. 

I can be a rabbit. I can be a cat. 

I love personal space, I don't like to chase, nor beg for attention. I don't need someone to spend so much time with.

Islander

 There's a really cute guy on the island called Hiro. I knew him when I first arrived, and he's a really quiet guy. But he's burly, and has a sweet smile. I did not think anything more about that.

A few weeks ago, I hit the gym and saw him with his friend. We just said hello, and went to our own things. But what surprised me was that he came forward to help spot me when I was working out. He touched my elbows and helped me push it upwards, and suddenly I felt my thirst take over me. It was just a very simple action, and I'm not a primary school kid. But I was touched by his attention towards me?

And now I have a crush on him... But I did a little snooping around and I gathered that he's not married, my age, and born in February. 

Either Aries or Pisces...

He dropped out of high school, which makes me raise an eyebrow though.

But I like his gentleness so far, like trying to talk to me, and helping me with workouts. I think he smells good too, and last Friday I felt a sense of panic because we were both wearing grey sweatpants and he had his hoodie on, while I wore a grey shirt as well. It was almost like a matching couple so I was flabbergasted when I realised it. Don't think Adel noticed it though hahaha...

I don't want to expect anything out of this. I'm quite sure it is just a crush, but I guess I am just absorbed by that sudden attention that he gave me, and the fact that we don't see each other much.

I still want to exchange LINE/ instagram with him, and just get to know him as a friend. 

I am scared of guys, which I told Tomoya that, because I've been hurt very badly. And that I didn't want to date any guys. But if it is Hiro, I would give it a try maybe? He seemed like a green flag so far, his friends are all green flags for now.

Reflection 2024

 2024 is coming to a close.

Today, we visited Sakurajima Island in Kagoshima and I loved it. But what really pissed me off is when I have a girl who was really chatty, and I just want to zone out. I told them in advance that I'd like to go back early to do some reflections and maybe call my family. 

But she took her time to eat her dinner, buy alcohol (took her 30 min to buy), and popped by 7-11 to try some new drinks. When I was trying to find the parking lot for the hotel, I asked if it was left or right. She just told me oh we went past family mart, it should be there. And I am like I don't know where is family mart, so left or right?

Then we missed a turn, and I just started to become even more pissed because I'm so fking exhausted from driving the whole day, and I don't have the fking GPS, and I needed someone to tell me where.

Then the parking came, it was a struggle for me because of the tight wall. Then she said maybe dorothy can explain to me. ??? Thankfully Jase offered to step out of the car to help me see the parking line. So it took me another 5-10 min to park the car, and tbh I was so fking done, and I dropped the fking bottle of alcohol which caused like 5 bucks. It shattered in my recyclable bag and I knew I was going to blow a fuse. I told them to go first because I can't even see the car key in the dark, my window was winded down, and my lights were on. That's why I was getting even more pissed because I have zero energy to even call my family for a new year call. And I miss them.

I really can't travel with adel. I am extremely thankful that this is probably the last time I go on an overseas travel with her since she is moving to tokyo, and also because she can be so fking noisy. 

But I don't know if it's my PMS or my exhaustion now. Anyway, other than today, 2024 has been crazy and it's a roller coaster. I am still thankfuk for (even the noisy girl) the people that I've met on this program, and the silver linings in everything so far.

I pray that 2025 will be a better year for me.