Game

 I saw that he checked out my account tonight (or ytd..?). On 2 Aug. Why? His profile appeared on my profile. 

I was shocked. Then I clicked on his profile to dig, and realised he has been playing everyday with the same group of friends. As I looked at his history, I found a username, which dawn upon me as my friend's bf. 

Meaning, he has been playing with his army friends everyday. I don't know when did it start; but he bought new skins. Beautiful skins. 

He has purposely checked me out to see if I've been winning matches.

I just feel so hurt again, and I really want to tell my friend that her boyfriend's friend is an asshole. But... what's the point? Indifference is best right? I'm just telling myself to focus over the next few days.

I've already deleted my convo with him. Even if he talks to me, I just can't think of a good reason for him anymore - to not talk to me for 6 months. It's so damn disrespectful to not let me know what's happening. 

And he still could play with his friends...? I think I'm just more disappointed in his choice now, he's really not the mature person I thought he was. And I'm done with that. 

Focus now on the new chapter.

Dream

 I cried as I deleted my tele conversation with him. My friend said even if I'm sure of him, if he is not sure of me, it won't work out. In this case, he's not sure about himself.

Anyway, I loved him and that's why it's still so hard on me. But the opposite of love is indifference. 

When I saw our texts, God. His warmth reverberated through me. Physically and emotionally. When he told me that I'm capable, smart and driven, and to not let whatever bad bosses, make me lose my drive or demotivate me.

Fuck sis, I really loved him. How did I fall so hard for this man after knowing him for 3 months? 

I continue to shed tears, but I know I will forget about him. I will push him out of my mind until he becomes distant. 

I hate this lesson, and I wished it ended better. I loved you Ben, through this 3 mths. It was short, but you gave me so much: the peace and joy. And you gave me knife cutting hurt and pain. 

The amount of disrespect shows how emotionally immature you are, and your insecurities. 

You're crazy. Yet I still dream of tracing my hands over the scar beside your eye. And I still dream for that embrace behind my back; and even the tight hug as you sniff my hair. How you held my hands. And how you looked at me with such gentle eyes and the soft wry smile of yours. How you teased me cutie and said you're afraid you cannot control yourself. Hella sexy.

I dream of touching your cheek, and you finally letting me into your world of darkness, and letting me light it up. I dream of you whispering loving words and supportive words to me as we lay down. Cuddling. I dream of your hand finally reaching for my face and tilting it up, as you bend over to place your lips over mine. Softly, just as you softly kissed my cheek back then. The genuine connection was there, it's not easy for me to find that but this happens.

I dream of the day I find a love like this, and it's even better than what I dream of.

Inside Out 2

 Watched Inside Out 2 alone. The cinema theatre was surprisingly empty, saved for a person at the back? The emptiness of seats beside me reminded me of B, when he was sitting beside me and I reached for his arm because I was cold, and I wanted his warmth.

The movie was great. I think it gave me a lot to think about. When Joy threw out negative memories, Riley's sense of worth seemed to be only positive. But in reality, all the negative emotions like Anxiety, Embarrassment, Sad, all of the memories, all make up the Sense of Worth. That's kind of really meaningful. I've been thinking that I have to be this very good person, to my family and friends, and partner. It's kind of cliche, but I forget that I'm human. 

My recent conversation with my counsellor also helped. She mentioned that regrets and mistakes, are all part of Life. It's about how you move on; are you going to keep making that mistake? So the movie kind of tied very nicely to what she told me. 

She said my self esteem might have been the root cause of the recent chain of events. After my break up; I was feeling low and empty because it was the first break up. And I had no idea how to cope with it. Then the incident happened because the option was offered to me, and I had to take it up because of my vulnerability and desperation. It took 2 hands to clap. After that, my self esteem went even down because of my self hatred and guilt, plus I set unrealistic benchmark to forgive myself. Something that was out of my control, which made self forgiveness hard. Then the fiona incident, which targeted my self esteem and triggered my anxiety. And thereafter, panic attacks. 

From thereon, I was constantly seeking external validation for my self esteem. Then the ghost guy came and gave me external validation under the guise of being supportive. And hence when he pulled out the rug, wow major homerun to my self esteem and anxiety. So in conclusion, my anxiety is triggered by my low sense of self esteem. And all the horrible things/ mistakes I made was a consequence. It just snowballed.

It all started to make sense; and I started to really respect her job. Because I hadn't seen this myself. I didn't figure it out, but now I see how it all interlinked to become the mess I am now. I needed to stop seeking external validation, and find inner peace. I needed to work on the self esteem, so that I can have the strength to make the right decisions. 

So the movie taught me that all of my mistakes, regrets, grief, sadness, joy, anger, all makes up me. I'm only human, I'm not someone 100% pure. It's how I choose to learn and move on. There's no such thing about disappointing friends/ family; because I'm not perfect. I can only just learn and move on.

Also, respect, accountability and effort are the bare minimum of a rs. It's better that it does not work out now, because it'll never work out without any of these components and unfortunately he has missed all 3. Hence, this is not the guy I need as my life partner. I will choose someone better than this trash. Unless trash decided to upgrade himself, but I'm not going to hope for trash to upgrade himself overnight. Hence I'll just work on myself to be a better partner, and if trash comes back upgraded then we'll talk. If not, bye trash who couldn't even do the bare minimum.

Familiarity Traces

 I'm incredibly frustrated. Places I go, I'll suddenly stop in my tracks when I recognise the familiarity of it. 

"I've been here before. He brought me here."

Then memories will flood back; and I'll feel the anger and resentment. Then I'll tell myself what's the point; the choice he made has been done. I won't chase anyone ever again. I'm the protector of my own heart.

But I just feel frustrated that even if I never thought about it, somehow the places I go would be interlinked to him somehow. He may be a fucking loser. But I cared and loved him.

I'm starting to realise that many guys on the dating apps do think I'm a rare gem. They're trying to spend more time with me. And I give back only what I get. 

I feel traces of pain.

Writing can help me process the pain. I still feel grief. We had a spark; that was for certain. The day he put his arm around me casually, the chemistry went off charts. He said I showed him a smexy side, and he wanted me. But he didn't think he's a good enough partner and hence decided to ghost. That makes zero sense to me. 

If I thought I'm not good enough, is it shameful to tell the other person that? Maybe it is, because of all the insecurities. But what about the other person's feelings? I know that he knows how I am feeling now. But he chose to shut down, before things go even more and I'll get hurt even more. 

I don't know. Things could have ended better. He could say he doesn't want to continue because of personal reasons, and that's okay. But to feel like I'm only used for the ego.. I'm starting to see signs in another guy. I'm wondering if I should just end it, because this guy rly only talks to me at his own convenience. Tbh, I'm also using him that way for now. Only when it is convenient. 

I have no interest to go out with this guy. Yes I am curious about how he looks, but the way he texts. I think he's egotistical, and rly just using me at his own convenience. 

I kinda feel like I'm looking for a casual rs for physical intimacy. Just kinda craving it for now, that's it. But it'll look bad on the rs resume if I have ONS, hence I rather do it with someone that has mutual interest. 

The guy I'm talking to now, is disgusting. Solely black and white - pui. If only life is black and white. Wait till you encounter the actual situation, with different circumstances. Then you'll know that.. it's hard. 

I still beat myself. And I know karmic serves pretty fast. I have to accept it, because there's nothing I can do about it, and I deserve it. Sometimes I wonder if I have the rights to be in a rs at all. I'm clearly not healed.

Self reflection

I realised a few things:

- If something is not meant to be yours, you won't have it no matter how hard you try.

- Self esteem is a huge problem. If you don't feel like you deserve love, you will never feel good enough for someone who loves you. 

- Karma is real. Whatever comes around, really does. Maybe I'm experiencing a karma because I've hurt someone before. If this is the pain I have to go through (and its intense), I can't imagine the pain she had to go through. I'm so sorry to her for having caused that pain. I don't know how to even make up for it, I hope that my commitment to No Contact and this karma experience can be a small make up to her pain. I've been going through a lot this year, it's like 3 layers below the bottom. 

- I still love and care for him. But it takes two hands to clap. I cannot force him to take responsibility or to take any actions. It has to come from within himself. 

- I have done enough. I am stubborn, maybe he is also stubborn. Hence we are in this situation. But anyway, I have been patient and mindful. 

- My counsellor told me that a trigger is not just a spark. It accumulates. So it is not because of my words that triggered him. It is his own fears that led to this. A fear that it won't work out anyway - that he will be hurt again.

- I have to trust the universe. I could almost hear the universe yesterday, saying "See, this is why I told you to trust the process; trust the universe!"

- My happiness comes from self validation. This period of No Contact has also been beneficial to me. I'm happier. I was happy back then, but fell into despair when the No Contact happened, but it allows me to get used to being alone again. And I feel stabilised again, and happy again. I saw the sunset today and it was stunning. There's beauty in a lot things.

- What may be suffocating now; will pass eventually. Let time pass. And let it go so that energetically, I don't pressurise him anymore. If he comes back, it's a bonus. But if not, I will find someone else anyway. I will be fine regardless of whether he's there or not. Of course, nostalgia is my poison now. But I think it is somewhat fated that I have to meet him, and fall hard for him. I'm still not sure what is the answer behind the meeting. Maybe I will only find out in the future.

- I am a green flag; and I am lovable. A possibility is that he isn't sure of himself, but he doesn't want me to move on as well. It is a selfish behaviour, but my ex has said this before, so in a way, he is clinging on by not giving a conclusive reply. 

- I still like him a lot. But then again; I have to trust the universe. I had put up a ton of filters, and he got through my shields. Water activities, my medical condition, my 2nd language. If he got through them all but it still doesn't work out, maybe he has some criteria or there is some work that has to be done before we can even take a step further. Either I manage to meet someone else even better, or he has the determination to correct it.

- Love requires Action. Trust requires proof. 

- I can miss someone, but not let him step all over me. 

- Sometimes, love is not enough. This is like a classic example. Crazy how movies actually were partially right. Because we loved each other, wanted each other, and somehow it still doesn't work out. Maybe it needs this break to allow each other to work on ourselves in terms of self care, before we can care for one another. 

- I still love him. Its okay to still love him, my feelings are valid. But I should slowly let go, to create a space for someone else to come in. He came in unexpectedly; and left unexpectedly. This is truly the hardship of Life.

- I should do what I feel is best for myself. It doesn't matter about dignity or whatever. If I feel that I need to do something, I should do it. That will help me to move on. 

- I'm happy to be single, to be myself. I don't need a relationship or him to be happy. I liked the way he made me feel, but ultimately, I should continue to love myself. I'm so strong for getting through this period of darkness. Only better things will await me! 

- Better things as in whatever the universe deems as a gift, or deems that is meant for me.

- I love myself. For being so courageous to seek mental help. Even though I still have doubts about being vulnerable especially since I'm so emotionally wounded, I think I can still communicate effectively. And for soldering on, despite the despair I felt. You're so amazing for being so self aware, open, kind and patient. You know that you don't need everyone to like you; you're just authentic. It's amazing truly.

- Everyone has different sides. Just because of this, it doesn't mean that the side I saw over the past few weeks was fake. It just showed a different side of him. His weaker, selfish side.

- We all deserve love. But it does not mean that a sob story will help to pardon all the hurt inflicted on others around you. You had a choice to not inflict that pain. If not, seek help. 

- Trust that it all will work out in the end and enjoy yourself.

Pros and cons of overseas program

 Pros:

1. New life experience

2. Immersion in Japanese Culture and Way of Life

3. Empowerment i.e. freedom to do what I want (outside of work hours)

4. Break from heartache, anxiety, family triggers, pressure for relationship

5. Independence by living alone

6. Tarot videos/ reading says it's a gift from the Universe to set the groundwork for better things to come

7. Travel around during the program (more time)

8. Learning Japanese language (thrown there)

9. Can use this to show my versatility/ adaptability + knowledge of japanese market in resume for global companies

Cons:

1. Lack of financial independence (cuz salary is low)

2. Lack of emotional support (but can form one over there)

3. Environment differences I.e. earthquakes, etc

4. Change in career I.e. teaching. Don't know if I can cope with children/teenagers/ different social expectations 

5. Lose my current job which is currently higher paying but lack of fulfilment, and doing a pay cut

6. Blacklist from a reputable company which may not look good in resume

7. Away from my family (lose time with my mom, fam in general)

8. Putting relationships on hold (smaller pool of compatible guys when I'm back)

9. Lower salary when I'm back (may be harder to secure a job unless I play the global market knowledge cards...?)

Ghosting Reflection

 Why am I so hard on myself? When things got hard, my first instinct was not to bail. That is a green flag. I'm a mature dater. If I ran everytime relationships got complicated, I'd never be in a long term relationship. I went to work and try to figure out if I can manage conflict together, feel harmony after disharmony, and I know, grow and evolve.

Relationships are messy, awkward, and exhausting sometimes but there is a major payoff if I can figure out together. I am the reason relationships last. I am the glue that keeps people together. I am the sweetie who gives the benefit of doubt because that what needs to happen in healthy relationships. Enough with the "I was so weak, desperate, blind and I should have known earlier", and embrace that I saw the good in the relationship and wanted to give it a fair shot and I'm proud for trying my best and I learnt a lot about myself and what I want in the future relationships. 

I need to reflect and think about why I was so attached to him.

1. I just broke up in May last year, and started talking to him in Nov, which was 6 months after. I remember that I was sexually frustrated in between, and then focused on working out to help myself feel good about myself. I felt very low confidence about my body, hence I started signing up gyms, and went for it. I started meeting up with friends, lamented about how close we were to celebrating 3 years together. I started looking at other guys, and deciding to talk to more guys to realise there's better guys than my ex. It worked, I started talking to him and I thought to myself that this is how I wanted to be treated. 

2. I miss the feeling of his presence. We talked, and were comfortable with silence. He was not too energetic, he followed the flow when I wanted to do things. Having one stubborn person is enough. It is easy to do things with him. I didn't need to talk a lot.

3. I miss his attention. When he sent me home and chilled with me for at least an hour before he took an hour train back home. Sometimes he'd even miss his own train and took a Grab. He let me cuddle, and he cuddled me by kissing my hair. We intertwined our fingers, and I felt even closer to him and his heart. He also calls me "my girl", "bb", "qt". When he said he was scared he cannot control himself, I was flattered. To me, it meant that he really wanted me and wanted to fuck me as much as I wanted him to fuck me. He's a handsome man, so it is truly flattering that I made him feel that way.

4. I miss his touch. He loves to nonchalantly squeeze my left butt, and sometimes giving it a light pat. I didn't mind it, because it felt so good when he squeezed it, and said it was bouncy. Sometimes when he does it outside, it felt like he was claiming to others that I'm his.

5. I miss his act of service. He'd always hold my bags, he held my hand very tightly everytime we go out. He'd help to translate, he would notice the small things I needed like tissue, water bottle, and would walk around to buy it. 

6. I miss his compassion and calm personality. He loves fishes and plants, and would go all out to research on them. It is extremely cute. He is compassionate about animals, esp cats and I love love love cats. 

Now I need to face the red flags.

1. His effort started dipping in mid Jan onwards. He said he was tired from travelling from one end to another. I still give him the benefit of doubt because it is truly tiring. But it started triggering my insecurity since we were not official. I started wondering if he cared about me. He said he had no energy to even go out. Texting also went downhill.

2. His broken promises. Firstly, he was okay to accompany me to the blood donation, but when the day came, his excuse was "I don't feel like going out tomorrow". I couldn't see the commitment that he'd be there even if it inconveniences him. He wanted to be there only when he's able to - basically it was all about his own convenience. Secondly, the HK call. I made it clear that I really wanted to call him, and he agreed. However, he was too tired and went to bed 1 hour later. Again, I couldn't see him proving to me that he'll be there despite inconveniences. And now the ghosting part despite his promises that he'd get back to me by 24 Mar.

3. Even when we're together, sometimes he'd want to look at things that interest him. I enjoyed watching him get passionate about plants and fishes, but it is almost like using phone when we're together. Sometimes, there's a sense of disconnect.

4. I noted that he would run away or get quiet whenever things get uncomfortable, even on texts. He'd divert to other topics when he senses discomfort/conflict. It is an avoidant strategy.

5. Insensitive words sometimes. I shared my concern that I'd like him to put in some effort to ask me out, then he said "Then don't be official". It hurt me and made me wonder if he was just trying to please me back then, and wasn't serious about me. 

6. Not good at verbalising his thoughts. I've mentioned to him before that I don't know what he's thinking about. He didn't share his thoughts and I didn't force him to, out of respect.

7. Expectation that his partner will be his sole confidant, but he needs to remember that it is still important to have a support group because a partner will definitely 100% fail him. He cannot just rely on his partner, but ofc personal thoughts can be shared. 

8. Alone time: he places a lot emphasis on alone time, because it helps him to recharge. But he failed to consider about the people left behind. There needs to be a compromise on how he can still meet their needs, so that he can be left alone. For example, still dropping a text everyday so that the other person knows he is still around. Also, he needs to acknowledge messages from the other person.

9. Excuses (?). He said he's not good at accountability because his family doesn't practise it. Even if that is the case, you shouldn't follow the wrong way. For example, if people jump off the cliff, then do you follow? He's not willing to work on himself even though I tried nudging him to go CHAT and counselling. I sensed that he felt worthless, not a good partner, etc. It could be a sign of depression. He recognised it, but still does nothing about it. He said it'd be harmful to his energy - but he didn't even try.

What am I missing now that he was giving to me?

1. Attention to myself

2. Kindness to myself

3. Love to myself

I need to give myself a safe space, to love myself. To be okay to be alone, and not get triggered by the Hot/Cold. He's truly an avoidant (with symptoms of depression). It's ultimately toxic in the end because I got triggered a lot. He needs to work on himself.