The big question

 I am today's year old when I decided to ask the Question. Or rather, two questions. 

I asked, have I met him? The Oracle card was "Confidence". Divine confidence is completely different from the bravado of the ego. You make space for something Larger to take hold. Please fill me  with Your confidence, oh Love. Grant me courage I never knew I had.

The second card was "truth". When everything is done as an offering, even the act of speaking, you get shown when to talk and when to be silent. Your words come from silence not fear. You do the talking, dear Lord. Take me over and speak through me!

The second question I asked: "is W...... my future husband?". The third card was "relationship". I call in the infinite power of Love to take over this union in every way. May it now fully belong to the Divine. Let it unfold in the perfect way for each of us. I needn't fear letting go of control; my needs are always abundantly met.

I was agape. 

Things i appreciate and learnt in japan

 1. Happy to be alone - the peace to let things flow, just having a general outline suffice.

2. Meeting more people: went to stay at other ALTs places, went hiking with Yamagata ALT too

3. The considerateness of Japanese people. I can understand Japanese, wish to continue italki to practice my conversation skills and listening skill. Strive for N2 in Dec.

4. Thinking in japanese. It is not easy to form different sentences but it is quite fun honestly. Minus grammar

5. The little joy that children find in catching insects. Some also go to the beach, and spots me out of nowhere. I.e  little girl from shiragiku kindergarten I think? She was bouncing in her little float, saw me and swarm towards me with kxxxxx sensei!!!

6. To practise having kids connect to the nature, and be open to showing kindness for one another I.e. yorino 

7. To understand the complexities of living aboard in a different language. I am lucky to have a great supervisor and BoE who supports me.

8. The kids are not super close to their parents. But the kindergarten kids learn like manning booths, teaching others how to do certain things. Folding their own blankets and putting away things by themselves. Basically the adults set a good role model for them, they follow what they see from adults especially at early stage.

9. I still don't know how to implement whatever I learnt towards my parents tbh. I am just rly kind and loving towards my island children because they're so special. 

10. I think I just try to put in more effort in terms of approaching others like how I approached my teachers and realise I could communicate with them so much better. 3 hrs became 6 hours, etc. And realising it is so important for people like us to learn another language. It's so new to connect with people of another language and culture. 

11. I am able to apologise better. I've heard gxxxxx and lxxxx apologise. But I still see them loveable. So in a way; I have realised that apologising doesn't make you a bad person. You just apologise for your own actions when you feel bad about it. It doesn't mean you lost or whatever. It means that you just want to improve yourself to be a better person.

12. I truly admire lxxxx amicable personality which makes it so easy for anyone to connect with him. Everyone loves him because he can talk cock, share random details. Perhaps it is important to have a broad knowledge of details to be able to connect with others and create topics

Exam results

 I passed the exam, not with flying colors but I guess it really shows that stress really played a huge role in my performance. My anxiety too. 

I am really glad that I was able to talk sense to myself in a 3rd party pov, about me doing so well already since I am living alone in a foreign country with a different language. And the point of taking the test was for me to have a goal to study the language and be able to communicate better.

I think that after the test, I kinda fell because I went travelling and also got lazy. But during the trip, a company reached out to me, and I did a HR interview to get a sense of what the job is like. And I think it's really interesting in terms of how there are new doors that are opening. So I think I'll focus more on speaking, and just study the next language level at my own pace rather than taking an exam. 

Kinda excited to see how much more I can push for, before I leave this country.

Anyway, good job girl, you really pushed very hard with all the lessons and your speaking has really improved from the start. Gotta celebrate, and maybe consider what's the next TB to try learning from.

Partner Checklist

 Checklist of an ideal partner (physical and emotional state maybe)

1. Closely affectionate

2. Tall (at least 10cm taller)

3. Emotionally available (minimum requirement)

4. Can give space/ can take a no

5. Compatible even in bed...? Slightly kinky is good

6. Wear specs

7. Intelligent but easy going

8. Financially savvy?

9. Voice is clear

10. Patient

11. Family is close, speaks english maybe

12. No moustache

13. Grounded and mature

14. Gives good advice

15. Pampers me, but also have a reasonable reason to be angry. 

16. Smart

Refresh (non negotiable) as of 21 Aug 2026

1. Can respect boundaries i.e. can take a no, and give space

2. Travels a lot (not very frequent, but likes to explore, with a reasonable sense of caution)

3. Wears specs

4. Compassionate towards my weakness (I.e. implant, need repetition/ rephrasing)

5. Compatible in bed (slightly kinky is good)

6. Open to having kids 

7. Emotionally available (minimum requirement)

8. Voice is clear

9. Calm (to keep my anxiety down)

10. Not self centered

Refresh (as of 11 October 2026)

1. Can respect boundaries i.e. can take a no, and give space

2. Travels a lot (not very frequent, but likes to explore, with a reasonable sense of caution)

3. Compassionate towards my weakness (I.e. implant, need repetition/ rephrasing)

4. Growth Mindset i.e. sees his earning potential and want to do something with it. Doesn't need to change job every two years or chase money obsessively, but someone who is curious, proactive and willing to develop himself.

5. Compatible in bed (slightly kinky is good)

6. Open to having kids 

7. Emotionally available (minimum requirement)

8. Voice is clear

9. Calm (to keep my anxiety down)

Stressing over a sheet of paper really?

 i went to the gym today, and I wondered to myself why am I so stressed out to the point that I kept waking up at 5am. I felt so much brain fog and I flunked my mock paper (even though I passed my first one), and I knew that I was way too tired and stressed out. I knew that it was not reflective of my effort.

Anyway, at the gym, I had some alone time to myself, and I forgot how much I loved it. Doing my own things, not being self conscious, just letting my body put in some effort instead of my mind for a change.

I then realised, it is me falling back to my bad habits. I wanted to pass to impress people. That I could do it in 1.5 years. Anyway, a part of me wants to impress people, the other part of me is like, girl??? Why do you need to impress people? Wasn't the whole point of you doing this exam really so that you have a goal to work towards for Japanese? And isn't it more about communication, rather than passing?? 

I get tremendously stressed out when my motivation comes from impressing people. It was the old me, back in my country, always trying to prove myself to be 'not less' capable than other 'norms'. I had always looked down on myself, my lack of not being able to be complete because of my hearing.

But now, I looked at myself in the mirror while lifting weights. And I was like girl, you're so strong. You're in a different country, different language, yet you're here working with the children, exercising when you couldn't find the time in your home, and also exploring cooking. You cook way better than others! 

I am living life to the fullest now. The exam is just a small part of the experience, but the main experience is being able to connect to one another using a different language. I can feel my children warming up to me, they smile at me so beautifully whenever I try to talk. I truly love them with all my heart. 

I am using this as a level to improve myself so that I can talk to them properly before I leave. My lack of vocabulary, so what? I will just think about how to expand my vocabulary and sentences so that they can understand me. I want to connect with them better, not passing the exam.

I feel a huge burden lifted. I am going to get enough rest, and study, and still hang out with other people without compromising on them. I will just do my best, but it is not everything (this is me throwing myself against the wall to the point that I was not absorbing anything because of my stress). I can't wait to hang out with more people! 

Mediation

On other news, I see the sea and sky. I try to concentrate on making japanese friends that I could not have done during my first year. 

My brain officially switches off when I'm around japanese people, I just say what comes to mind. I do better 1 to 1 with japanese people. 

I miss my friends. But I also love the island. I feel my anxiety stirring up again. My eye has been twitching for days.  I have not figured out how to calm my anxiety. I probably need to start meditation soon.

Cutting off

 I finally decided to cut him out. I had been really hesitant, because I live next to him and I will still see him every week. I am 10% willing to give the friendship another chance if I see that he is willing to make an effort.

My last straw was probably when I came back from korea. He asked if I could send him to the port in the morning, and I said I had a call at 8am. He said I still could send him, since I will be awake anyway, and the boat leaves at 7:45am. It took me 30s in silence to tell him no I would not do that. And I told him to get a taxi. Firstly, that is only a privilege that I give to my partner. He is not even my partner, why would I wake up that early? And I had also given him the taxi numbers.

I heard from L that he had complained about not being able to go to the port, or maybe worrying whether there will be any taxi (I have taken it before, there is). He almost asked L, but eventually did not. 

For someone who claims that he doesn't like to ask for help, this is just being so selfish. He remains disrespectful of my time, and my effort. I realise I have been taken for granted, and I wasn't going to let myself continue. So I have not spoken to him since Mon, ever since he borrowed my vacuum cleaner. I am wondering if I should ask him to clear the trash before returning, since I have no idea what is inside his house. 

I am honestly so disgusted by his behavior that I just want nothing to do with it anymore. He is smart. But his character is so shit at the moment. He had told me that he's not a good guy, I don't care about his looks, he is just a really annoying person now, and I was open to have him as a fun friend, but now I'm not even sure. 

I have probably reached the point in my life that if I made up my mind about a person, I may still give a chance, but I am able to really cut the person out. Like not even think about this person. I went out by myself, and I wasn't going to introduce anymore japanese people to him. Neither am I going to take him to the gym. My petrol is worth some money ok. 

I hate inconsistent people, and I hate selfish people even more. I hate both and he's both.

I am happier without him now. I was unsure whether it is a good idea to cut him out esp since we are the only two people of the same country here. I actually wanted to share spices with him, but I guess I will share with L instead. L is also selfish, but he's way more chill than M. I prefer chill guys than someone so damn cocky. As my brother said; he has overstayed his welcome. 

I dislike him now, and I am not going to bring him anywhere. He can ask A to do it since he's so fond of A. 

As G said, he sees me like a taxi driver. Fuck those kind of people.