Confusion

So I've been keeping these feelings a secret, only known to my mum and few friends. I've taken precautions to ensure only these people know about it by deleting messages, and hopefully keeping a poker face. I must say my plan only lasted up to today, which is seriously...

I had BBQ yesterday with my friends and of course, that person came over. My dad talked to him about many many things which I wasn't present so I didn't know what they were. When I asked him what they talked about, he just looked down and said, "A lot of things." I dared not ask him further more. So, last night, I spoke to my dad because I was curious. And that was the beginning of my mistake.

When my dad talked, I just smiled and said yeah I knew it. He gave me a strange look and said, "Why do you seem you know him so well?"

I KEPT QUIET.

"You keep smiling when I talked about him." And here's the part I screwed up BIG BIG TIME.

I just said "Uh, no la."

Shit, my usual response would have been "Cause we are good friends." I think that's how he started to suspect my relationship with him.

Today, he lectured me about some things I did wrong and suddenly he said, you come to my room later. I was already crying. So I'm pretty much sure he's going to scold me something really big so I got ready a big tissue box and headed to the room. He made me sit down and he seemed conflicted on how to approach the topic. I thought I was in big trouble. Maybe he was going to say I have lots of attitude problems and blah blah and I was tired of listening to those. I was bracing myself for I-don't-know-what-he-is-going-to-ask-me.

"That boy yesterday. Do you like him?"

Bam. I was like huh what did you say? Seeing my confused look, he repeated the question. "Be honest with me." And he looked at me pretty much expectantly.

And I'm like oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT. I can't lie my way out of this. He has already seen the look in my eyes and he's already expecting me to say yes or he wouldn't even be asking me this. That's how he found out and I really really really don't want him to know. I feel weird knowing that he now knows and he'll probably look at me in a different way. I mean, he uncovered the fact that his daughter likes someone and that may affect her studies and stuff if you know what I mean.

I wish I can escape this reality because in a sense, he is right. I really keep thinking about him even when studying and it's so very difficult for me to focus. I needed to resort to asking someone to study with me, sitting in front of me so that I could forget about him. A levels is in 5 months, and my exam is in 2 weeks. I'm in deep shit and I really need to pull out of this. Alright, don't forget the memories. Just put them in a safe, lock them tight, and put it away. Or perhaps, write it down so you wouldn't forget and you can reminisce again after A levels. It's time to stop this nonsense. He may not look twice at you and at the end you'll suffer more than him.

On a side note, I'm so conflicted. I wished he'll know my feelings and at the same time, I desperately don't want him to know. If we can be more than friends, of course I'll tell him. If we go back to zero, of course I'll not tell him. My confusion can kill me. I asked myself, do you want friendship over nothing, and the answer is yes. It doesn't have to be lovers if the risk of being nothing is so high.

I also do not know anything about his relationship with the girl he likes and I absolutely don't want to ask him about it. If only he would consider me at least.

I am also very annoyed with my friend who keeps approaching him. I hate the way she talks, like she is so keen to know his response and is always provoking him to answer her. I really hate it. Even though she tells me they are just friends and complains that she is always been misunderstood, I cannot trust her words. Her words are always opposite of what she does, and she has never failed to prove me right everytime. And because of that, I dislike her at times. I see her and I tell myself not to be like her, sometimes not even giving a shit to others and been so self-centered. When enough is enough, she doesn't get the hint. I'm tired of this. She doesn't know about how I feel about him but really. Enough. Spare me from this torment of seeing someone I like getting approached by a friend I can't be sure I can trust in the first place.