Strange tightness

I don't know what I'm feeling now. A sense of mortification? Or fear of the unknown?

I know that since I was a child, I have been absolutely terrified of the unknown. I also look down on myself. I know it's crazy but when I look at people who are like me, I feel intimidated. And I start thinking, oh, perhaps this is how people view me.

I mean, if I myself feel that way, surely others will see me that way. That makes me feel horrible at myself too.

Stepping out of comfort zone is a must but I feel terrified. It's like I'm having symptoms of social anxiety. I don't know. People say it takes practice to be used to it. Sure, but I hate that I have to TALK just to get participation marks. You have no idea how this semester feels like hell, and I feel so pressured to talk. I don't feel like I'm myself this whole semester.

I have started to withdraw a lot. And I really fear how people view me when I feel so inferior of myself. I know it's not my fault but I feel that I could have done so much more to show that I'm normal. But I see that this equipment I have is always a constant reminder to myself and others that no, I can never have a normal life.

It's crazy. I'm already very blessed in so many ways yet this crazy shit is eating my heart. I wish I could show it, and I wish others still would view me as really, just a normal person.

The upcoming concert is nowhere better. I have not told my people about my condition. What if they find out? Will they still let me tie my hair the way I want? Would I look like the odd one? I'm afraid.

And there's my studies. I feel exhausted trying every weekend to catch up with my studies. I feel so done. But I know I mustn't. This semester is REALLY REALLY important. I really cannot afford to screw this up.

Which is why I am pushing myself to do work. It's better to do something than not do anything or running away. Until I finish my finals, I am quite sure the next five weeks will be overwhelming and I definitely will feel like running away countless times.

I really don't feel at ease with myself. What's wrong with me?

But I have to push on. Even though I have very few friends that still stay by me, it's alright. Oh yes, I feel that those people are not really worth my worrying. Why am I still trying to keep the facade up? Actually, I should stop it. I feel awkward with them. If they don't want me, alright, I won't want you.

Anyway, I feel that it's time to get rid of burdens in my heart. Push myself, and be yourself. It will be over soon. If they see me differently, it's alright. I can always quit and change CCA. I don't deserve to be surrounded by people who see me differently.

That boy. I am waiting for the time I can meet him WITHOUT it being the wrong time haha he always appear when I'm preoccupied with getting to the next lesson venue, or when I'm tired, or when I'm worrying about tests. It would be good to talk to him, to really see if he is not intimidating as he looks.

I wish someone can prove me that I'm alright with who I am. That I have strengths that makes me special. Nobody has said the words I want to hear, up till now. Even my closest friends.