Worries

The pain is back. I hate it when there are too many things going on that I freeze. I don't know how to start and I just feel like that the suffocating feeling is back.

And my friends in my school just can't stop talking about relationships. Okay, partially I am interested to learn from their stories, but at the same time, it felt like rubbing salt into my wounds. Today, I listened to some acquaintances describe the girls they like and boy, I just can't help but wonder if all guys are the same.

They say they want the girl to be outgoing. Um, hello? What about all the rest of the introverted girls? Are you just gonna write us off because we are quiet? Why don't you get to know us first before you make such a comment?

Many of my friends are single, but they have wonderful personalities. They may not be the most outgoing people but they have kind hearts.

It's really frustrating hearing them. And they tried to match-make me (jokingly), but uh... if the guy in question isn't even interested in me then why would I even consider him? They kept asking me if I would go for him but firstly, I don't know him well yet, and secondly, even if I will, why would I tell you guys? It will explode into a big, massive gossip and I would probably lose all chance becoming friends with him. Just no.

Why is it that in university, everybody is getting desperate? I keep getting negative vibes from everywhere about girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. If everybody keeps second-guessing each other, I'm honestly getting very tired. I just don't really want to be involved. I prefer to just hang out with friends rather than putting myself out there, like dangling a damn bait into the ocean. Even my fucking bait must be attractive?

I have already put my thoughts into my clothes and makeup. I think I'll just channel my energy into exercising to get a better bod and of course, to feel better about myself. It's really exhausting and suffocating that I "need" to find someone soon. I just don't want to have any expectations of finding one while I'm in university.

Sure, I think that studying together is kind of a really nice experience and once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. Just having someone who is willing to accompany me at night is quite enough for me. Someone who is willing to focus on just me.

Oh yes, there was a guy who saw me at a bus station and just immediately asked my friend for my number. Guys, please just come to me to ask. I honestly don't hate such forward advances (it's nice there's no second-guessing involved), but I'm just confused as to why would you be interested in me on first sight? We don't even know each other. And I'm honestly afraid of not being able to match with the guy's expectations.

To be honest, that's my real worry. Of not being enough. That I would disappoint him even if I have a good personality. It's really sad. I just wish for someone who: firstly, can accept my looks, and secondly, is willing to be my friend and get to know me better, and thirdly, willing to take it further and having to compromise after knowing what I am born with.

At the moment, I'm quite willing to just date friends for fun, to see if we can progress further. Or if not, can I please please please, have something else to channel my energy and worries into?