Fear

 I had a talk w my partner and now I'm just so lost. He opened up to me about his family matters and he was not confident that his family would not interfere. 

I don't know how to process my feelings. I'm just so upset; I like him, but at the same time we face so much issues - diff upbringing, different expectations, etc.

Our values are similar, but all these... and then his family. At the same time, how am I going to find a partner like him again? Someone who was so willing to put in effort, treating me so amazingly... 

It may be an amicable breakup, but I don't want to lose him, and neither did he. We're just both at loss at what is the next step. We decided to think about it and talk again in a month, but I'm so scared to invest myself now. 

Now I just feel like time is so short, I just want to see him more before time is up. We're both mature in our thinking, so I think we intuitively know it may not work out. But I want to prolong this, because I keep holding to this tiny silver ray of hope that things will change. 

I'm so terribly upset, I'm just at loss for words. I don't have a solution, we both know it. What should I do? How do I handle this? How do I move on? Not having someone to talk to everyday; to hear me out... I never knew its so devastating. 

I saw this quote on ig: "And if, in some distance in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love." - La La Land

I don't have it in me to imagine him with another person; but at the same time he needs someone who can accept all of him. I don't know if I'm that person. It's so difficult, this sadness; grief; fear; uncertainty. I'm really scared of losing him now. I feel like I need to see him again, to feel that everything is alright.

It's okay that I'm not okay; but yeah, it's so hard to date nowadays. Finding new people; building up from scratch. I'm just comfortable with him.

There are several times that he isn't appropriate, but who knows if the next guy is worse? Anyway, he says he knows he's being selfish, but he doesn't want it to end. 

And that look in his eye; the sadness. I never saw him with that look until today when he talked about it. I couldn't give him the assurance, but that I'd need to think about it. But I said thank you for being honest about this. 

Pain is real.