Diving Timing

 It was a festival, with fireworks shooting up into the sky. The sky blossomed with wonderful colours and as fast as it bloomed, it died. 

The same goes for my feelings. It bloomed, and withered. I teared slightly watching the fireworks. The knowledge that he was with someone else watching the same view. The realisation that I have a competitor. I know feelings cannot be controlled. Neither do I have the right to control anyone's actions and feelings. 

I wondered again, I am probably romanticizing the idea of dating a Jap. When I was young, I always told my parents I wanted to marry a Japanese. Partly because of the shoujo manga that I was obsessed with. They painted the men as a very masculine, and considerate people. Now I know there is nothing special. The people here are almost like... the dating pool is as crap as it is in SG. 

I am aware of myself - I still have some form of control over my emotions. I can choose how to react, and I know that I have to stop thinking about it to get over it. But at the same time, I don't think I should bottle up my feelings. They are not exploding. I just like to see him. The feeling around me, awkward. Somehow the awkward feeling seems to signal there is something there. Is it awkward because of something, or is it awkward because there is nothing? 

Am I attracted to the mystery? I don't think so. Am I attracted to how we are both soft spoken? And how we can switch in different situations? I don't know. I don't understand myself a lot of times. I also know I've been through a lot last year, don't I deserve a break? The sunlight beaming down upon me, I know it reminds me of the peace I seek so badly last year. The exhaustion in my heart. 

I think that the fondness of him in my heart, maybe it is a sign that I am gradually ready to love. I still remember how last year I had sworn off guys, because I felt like I could no longer trust. It opened my eyes to the fact that actions mean more than words. Now I am just seeing the actions. 

Hence the awkward behavior to me, signals it is either all or nothing. I think it is the latter one. But I know we would look good together, we both have round face and double eyelids. But then again, many humans here have that.. Here I am again, putting him on a pedestal. I am at least making sure I guard my heart, by not sharing information that makes me vulnerable when he has done nothing to deserve it. That was my mistake with the ghost guy.

I had picked the card about Diving Timing. I asked myself how do I make myself less anxious. It seems like the card was telling me that with the right person at the right time, I would not feel that way.

I recall the tarot reader saying that I will meet someone totally different, closely affectionate. And the card spoke that nothing comes too early, nothing leaves too early. I have to trust in the Divine Timing.

I don't plan to play games, so I don't think I need to avoid him, just to make him feel that there's something missing, and potentially discover his feelings for me. That's a load of fking bullshit. So I will just keep doing what I do. I will not choose him. He has rejected me in that roundabout way I guess, so there is no need to bring up my feelings. We will remain as gym buddies, that is all we can ever be. I know my worth, like being in Japan and all. An experience that no one else can replicate. I also graduated from a good university.

An ex-colleague once told me - what can you bring to the table? She was 28 years old then. Now she is 33 years old, and married another ex-colleague who became the last love of her life. He wholly accepts her, her craziness and lust for both pleasure and food. I think that is very beautiful.

I don't need to be impatient. Maybe I just wanted the physical touch of a man. But not really, I don't have the lust anymore after the trauma that I hurt someone I cared for and his partner. I just wanted company. A peaceful one where we would watch the sunset together. That is the kind of love I want. Where we would sit in the room, and play the music, and just enjoying it. Mundane things is what I need, and considerateness.

My friend told me that my birthday has the strongest spiritual power. My manifestation ain't working man. If it is not meant to be, nothing I can do. Again, hard lesson from ghost man. 

I don't seek to chase anyone. I can initiate from time to time, but nothing else. Actually I wish I have a clear sign that it is not worth my time and energy. I need to monitor my feelings more, and focus on myself. When I choose myself more, the right person and the Divine Timing will work out. I did choose myself by not constantly obsessing about him. I am able to enjoy my life without him - even if he chose not to come, I was normal. 

Now I hope this maintains. And I should not let my mood be affected by his actions. Because he is not worth it, until he proves himself. 

I should not be afraid of losing him - simply because nothing meant for me will leave too early. And he's not my usual type. Maybe his name also struck a chord in me, because it is similar to Big Hero 6, something I was obsessed with when I was a teenager. I still recall writing the song quote for my friend's birthday card. She's gone now, but I knew it spoke to her. 

[You're not alone, I'm by your side. When you're down, I'll be the one to make you smile. I'll wash away your tears, and the sun will shine its light on you.]

There's still a tiny hope that seeing me on Saturday with the yukata of the dusk, or rather, twilight with bursts of red, black and white, would be enough to shake something in his heart. I gotta say I looked really good in that. Not kawaii, but chio. My guy friend said I looked chio. So yes, gotta say it is one of my good looking moments in my life thus far, especially since I've been losing body weight here as well. Thin, and good looking right now. But I know, zero expectations of him changing his mind. As what Amanda said, guys will ALWAYS disappoint you. You will be 100% disappointed. So the validation that I need lies in myself, friends or God. It is still one of the best memories with Dorothy. We both looked so good, like the Light and Dark. 

May my heart shine like the dusk, and bathe the weary souls in the warmth. The safety to be themselves around me. May I continue to be authentic, like the coldness of the wind when I don't like someone. May my gut feelings continue to guide me in the right way, as I continue to tread the path carefully in Life. May my instincts protect me when it is necessary. The heaviness in my heart will fade eventually, and all of these will be a distant memory eventually.