Stressing over a sheet of paper really?

 i went to the gym today, and I wondered to myself why am I so stressed out to the point that I kept waking up at 5am. I felt so much brain fog and I flunked my mock paper (even though I passed my first one), and I knew that I was way too tired and stressed out. I knew that it was not reflective of my effort.

Anyway, at the gym, I had some alone time to myself, and I forgot how much I loved it. Doing my own things, not being self conscious, just letting my body put in some effort instead of my mind for a change.

I then realised, it is me falling back to my bad habits. I wanted to pass to impress people. That I could do it in 1.5 years. Anyway, a part of me wants to impress people, the other part of me is like, girl??? Why do you need to impress people? Wasn't the whole point of you doing this exam really so that you have a goal to work towards for Japanese? And isn't it more about communication, rather than passing?? 

I get tremendously stressed out when my motivation comes from impressing people. It was the old me, back in my country, always trying to prove myself to be 'not less' capable than other 'norms'. I had always looked down on myself, my lack of not being able to be complete because of my hearing.

But now, I looked at myself in the mirror while lifting weights. And I was like girl, you're so strong. You're in a different country, different language, yet you're here working with the children, exercising when you couldn't find the time in your home, and also exploring cooking. You cook way better than others! 

I am living life to the fullest now. The exam is just a small part of the experience, but the main experience is being able to connect to one another using a different language. I can feel my children warming up to me, they smile at me so beautifully whenever I try to talk. I truly love them with all my heart. 

I am using this as a level to improve myself so that I can talk to them properly before I leave. My lack of vocabulary, so what? I will just think about how to expand my vocabulary and sentences so that they can understand me. I want to connect with them better, not passing the exam.

I feel a huge burden lifted. I am going to get enough rest, and study, and still hang out with other people without compromising on them. I will just do my best, but it is not everything (this is me throwing myself against the wall to the point that I was not absorbing anything because of my stress). I can't wait to hang out with more people! 

Mediation

On other news, I see the sea and sky. I try to concentrate on making japanese friends that I could not have done during my first year. 

My brain officially switches off when I'm around japanese people, I just say what comes to mind. I do better 1 to 1 with japanese people. 

I miss my friends. But I also love the island. I feel my anxiety stirring up again. My eye has been twitching for days.  I have not figured out how to calm my anxiety. I probably need to start meditation soon.

Cutting off

 I finally decided to cut him out. I had been really hesitant, because I live next to him and I will still see him every week. I am 10% willing to give the friendship another chance if I see that he is willing to make an effort.

My last straw was probably when I came back from korea. He asked if I could send him to the port in the morning, and I said I had a call at 8am. He said I still could send him, since I will be awake anyway, and the boat leaves at 7:45am. It took me 30s in silence to tell him no I would not do that. And I told him to get a taxi. Firstly, that is only a privilege that I give to my partner. He is not even my partner, why would I wake up that early? And I had also given him the taxi numbers.

I heard from L that he had complained about not being able to go to the port, or maybe worrying whether there will be any taxi (I have taken it before, there is). He almost asked L, but eventually did not. 

For someone who claims that he doesn't like to ask for help, this is just being so selfish. He remains disrespectful of my time, and my effort. I realise I have been taken for granted, and I wasn't going to let myself continue. So I have not spoken to him since Mon, ever since he borrowed my vacuum cleaner. I am wondering if I should ask him to clear the trash before returning, since I have no idea what is inside his house. 

I am honestly so disgusted by his behavior that I just want nothing to do with it anymore. He is smart. But his character is so shit at the moment. He had told me that he's not a good guy, I don't care about his looks, he is just a really annoying person now, and I was open to have him as a fun friend, but now I'm not even sure. 

I have probably reached the point in my life that if I made up my mind about a person, I may still give a chance, but I am able to really cut the person out. Like not even think about this person. I went out by myself, and I wasn't going to introduce anymore japanese people to him. Neither am I going to take him to the gym. My petrol is worth some money ok. 

I hate inconsistent people, and I hate selfish people even more. I hate both and he's both.

I am happier without him now. I was unsure whether it is a good idea to cut him out esp since we are the only two people of the same country here. I actually wanted to share spices with him, but I guess I will share with L instead. L is also selfish, but he's way more chill than M. I prefer chill guys than someone so damn cocky. As my brother said; he has overstayed his welcome. 

I dislike him now, and I am not going to bring him anywhere. He can ask A to do it since he's so fond of A. 

As G said, he sees me like a taxi driver. Fuck those kind of people.