Would I choose to do it again? I do.

It has been a really long 1 or 2 years since that day. I decided to look back on our conversation to see if I have changed my mind on anything about my words. When I read our conversation again, it just dawned upon me. I would not change a single thing about my replies. If I were to live that day again, I would still choose those words.

Like my friend said, it's a good thing because it meant that I chose my words very carefully.

I think I've been avoiding the harsh truth: he has never thought of me as a friend. Even though we made group trips in our youth, we were never considered close. I've been to his house, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm his friend. Just an acquaintance that he was simply being too kind with.

I really was a fool. Being so blindly in love with him, maybe I started having fantasies about our relationship.

This explains why even though I took the first step to try to mend our relationship, he didn't make that effort back. If I really am someone he chooses to keep, he would definitely reciprocate.

I guess, he really is one of the many people that I'll meet once in a lifetime. Meant to cross paths once and its over.

There's nothing left for me to regret. I have ascertained that I would still have chosen that path even if I relived that day and that's enough.

To you, you have taught me leadership and influence. What it really means to think out of the box. To you, you have taught me what it meant to be so blindly in love. To really see no one else but you. To you, I have given my heart, so sure of my choice but you never gave me a chance.

I used to live those days when I would think of you every passing days. It gets better now even though I'm still struggling while you already had 2 partners since then. Maybe I saw my future with you and that made me cling to you longer than I should have.

Words are powerful.

We just weren't meant to be at the start. You were just a teacher and my needed inspirational speaker during those tiring and dark days.

I'm still glad I met you. But its time to put you out of my mind. I hope you will not be a trauma to me, a chain to my past. I will seek new lights, new fires, and new souls.

You shall forever remain as a skeleton of my past. Difficult to break through, but eventually I will.

I really did loved you. But someday, I will thank you for not making the choice to be with me.

Just an imagination

It was a quiet night, with the stars shimmering in the velvet sky. The couple was sitting on the green patch of grass. With the whisper of the wind, and the grass dancing, they slowly held each other's hand. The man tilted his head towards her, and pulled himself so close to her that she could see her reflection in his deep ocean eyes.

Such a beautiful girl, he thought.

She turned away, blushing deep red. He reached forward, pulled her chin towards him, and gave her a deep kiss that made her head spin. When they pulled apart, she was grasping for air. He brushed his fingers across her silky black hair, and pulled her closer to him again.

The couple was left in their own world.

Worries

The pain is back. I hate it when there are too many things going on that I freeze. I don't know how to start and I just feel like that the suffocating feeling is back.

And my friends in my school just can't stop talking about relationships. Okay, partially I am interested to learn from their stories, but at the same time, it felt like rubbing salt into my wounds. Today, I listened to some acquaintances describe the girls they like and boy, I just can't help but wonder if all guys are the same.

They say they want the girl to be outgoing. Um, hello? What about all the rest of the introverted girls? Are you just gonna write us off because we are quiet? Why don't you get to know us first before you make such a comment?

Many of my friends are single, but they have wonderful personalities. They may not be the most outgoing people but they have kind hearts.

It's really frustrating hearing them. And they tried to match-make me (jokingly), but uh... if the guy in question isn't even interested in me then why would I even consider him? They kept asking me if I would go for him but firstly, I don't know him well yet, and secondly, even if I will, why would I tell you guys? It will explode into a big, massive gossip and I would probably lose all chance becoming friends with him. Just no.

Why is it that in university, everybody is getting desperate? I keep getting negative vibes from everywhere about girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. If everybody keeps second-guessing each other, I'm honestly getting very tired. I just don't really want to be involved. I prefer to just hang out with friends rather than putting myself out there, like dangling a damn bait into the ocean. Even my fucking bait must be attractive?

I have already put my thoughts into my clothes and makeup. I think I'll just channel my energy into exercising to get a better bod and of course, to feel better about myself. It's really exhausting and suffocating that I "need" to find someone soon. I just don't want to have any expectations of finding one while I'm in university.

Sure, I think that studying together is kind of a really nice experience and once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. Just having someone who is willing to accompany me at night is quite enough for me. Someone who is willing to focus on just me.

Oh yes, there was a guy who saw me at a bus station and just immediately asked my friend for my number. Guys, please just come to me to ask. I honestly don't hate such forward advances (it's nice there's no second-guessing involved), but I'm just confused as to why would you be interested in me on first sight? We don't even know each other. And I'm honestly afraid of not being able to match with the guy's expectations.

To be honest, that's my real worry. Of not being enough. That I would disappoint him even if I have a good personality. It's really sad. I just wish for someone who: firstly, can accept my looks, and secondly, is willing to be my friend and get to know me better, and thirdly, willing to take it further and having to compromise after knowing what I am born with.

At the moment, I'm quite willing to just date friends for fun, to see if we can progress further. Or if not, can I please please please, have something else to channel my energy and worries into?

Universe

I personally believe that a kind gesture goes a long way. But it could be perceived wrongly as if you have an ulterior motive? But for my friend, he's already attached so he's not afraid to demonstrate kind gestures since he's really loyal. 

I read online that if you just believe that destiny will help you, you're not doing yourself a favour. Give it a helping hand and put yourself out there. 

Stop wanting to get a partner! It'll come to you. But heighten yourself to have the same consciousness as your partner so that the universe can help you. Just like proton entanglement, the pair changes to the opposite energy regardless of how far they are from each other. I kind of like this analogy/ idea.

I'll give the universe a helping hand by being more courageous, and hopefully put myself out there. I'll stop waiting for things to happen, but make actions to raise my consciousness. 

Future plans

Met up with a friend today. He's attached for like maybe 5 to 6 years? He was telling me that it is time for them to think about the future and I was kind of stunned. I'm younger than him by 3 years but marriage or having children seems so far to me. I don't have a partner yet so it doesn't feel real to me.

But to him, it is becoming a reality. They'll have to think about the future and overcome hurdles together. They're way past the honeymoon period and now they're together by choice.

I find that really admirable.

I know I shouldn't rush into things but seriously, I'm kind of getting jelly about my friends who just happened to find the right partner. Where's mine??? In the ocean???

I wished I could date in university but at this rate, it won't be a reality at all. I think I've given up all hope on getting a partner in university...

Passing of a friend

Just yesterday, I received an appalling news.

An acquaintance or rather, someone I knew personally in high school, has passed on.

I had just awakened groggily in the noon and flipped my phone open to check for messages. Instead of the usual kind of teasing or mundane jokes, news about his passing greeted me.

I was stunned. I just couldn't believe it.
And until now, I'm still in shock.

I had seen him a year ago at the train station, in passing. It was evening and I had just ended work, and happily looking forward to reaching home. As the train arrived, we bumped into each other. He had smiled and greeted me with a 'hello', and I greeted him back. Even back then, I was thinking to myself, how is it that he still recognized me even after not seeing each other for so long?

He was that jovial. His positive vibe could infect anyone else, and he was sincerely, sincerely, a good man. Even though I wasn't close to him, I had a good impression of him. And that made his passing even more impossible to me.

He just wasn't the kind of person to die early. Just by interacting with him, you just thought that he has a long way in life. He was masculine, healthy, and like a normal person with a sense of humor. He would have gotten a girlfriend easily.

And I wished I had talked to him longer that day.

I remember during my study aboard, I had scrolled through his instagram (btw, he had kept track of what I was doing by 'liking' my photos even though we didn't talk much). How I wished I dropped him a message while I was doing that. I remember thinking to myself, ah he had entered the same university and faculty as me. I would see him soon after I go back to school. His passing was 2 days before I entered school again. So close yet so far.

He was not someone I am close to, but I really feel sadness and regret about his passing. He was too young. We are too young. And life ahead him was still long (that's my utmost sadness that he didn't get to experience it). His death is hitting me now.

I had just transferred to the present high school, and I was nervous about joining the orientation group outing. A reason why I ended up enjoying the outing was because of his comfortable presence. He was just like that. Open to anyone.

His death, really, makes, no sense.

I don't see him suffering from any illnesses, nor do I see him depressed (so suicide should be out of the question). An accident? Or just an unexplained death? Even with all the scientific advancements we have now, we still don't know.

What really happened?

My sincere condolence to his parents. I watched a video of his parents, outstretched, picking up his bones from the crematory and putting into a white vase. My heart breaks at the thought of this young man, with a beautiful smile, positive vibes, and now being reduced to bones. Way too early.

Your Death had no warning. No clues like illnesses that would give you or us telling signs. That is what hits me the hardest. You did not have time to prepare to say farewell. Your parents did not have the time to prepare their mentality for their only son to die before their own time.

Sometimes, even now, I want to shout out to heavens or whoever is up there. This is not fair. For this man, who did nothing wrong, no criminal offences, did you have to take him away so abruptly? What about his friends? He had so many cliques and I'm sure they are all mourning more than me. What about his ageing parents who have given their all to raise him up? I really find this utterly cruel.

JK.

To you, whom I share half of my name with.

To you, although it was a short time knowing you, you have impacted my life. I hope that you really had been given a better purpose up there that you had to leave us early.

May we meet again in the next life.

Old photos

Today, I came back home for the first time in 5 months. My room felt clean thanks to my father's effort in cleaning it just for me. It smelled different and I don't know. It felt like I'm reverting to the old me but of course I don't want that! I like the present me now.

I saw the old photos from high school and "him" again. I tore them from the walls.

I've made up my mind ever since I've done a lot thinking during exchange. I'm moving on, and I'm ready than ever.

So I took out all the photos that reminded me of him. It felt good. He hurt me with pain that has lingered way too long. I don't need to be reminded again because I've suffered enough emotionally.

I am ready to be free. Replacing them with postcards of my travels would help to remind me how much exchange has impacted my life.

Goodbye old flame.

It's time to let the pain go.

It's time to forget you.

It's time to renew my faith in love.