Orientation

Hello, so I've just started my new university classes~ So far it's kind of tough but I know I can pull through it! Anyway, during orientation, I was paired up with this guy who is tall and lean. At first I didn't think much of him because judging his looks, I thought it was not possible for us to even remain as friends. But, on the first day, I was shocked and touched by his kindness.

After playing a particular game on a flat piece of land, we had to climb up a really steep slope to get back on the main road. A girl in my group had slipped and slid down the slope before so we were really cautious. I was gathering my shoes and suddenly, he appeared beside me. I looked at him with saucer eyes and he smiled, putting out his hand.

"Do you need help?"

I was really stunned, and knowing that it wasn't polite to refuse him, I accepted his hand. So we went up the slope hand in hand, with him behind me to provide support. I slipped once but he was there to push me up.

I muttered a small thank you before I ran off to be with my friends.

Then, on the second day, we had a conflict but it was probably me thinking too much.

We were talking on one of the walks. He commented that the girls always had to listen to the guys stories about army. I agreed and I continued, "So I had this friend who is sort of feminine and he always complains...."

Disaster struck when we reached our destination. Some of my group mates were there already and he blurted out "Hey, she said her "partner"...." I was stunned because it wasn't my "partner" I was referring to, but my friend! However, I was at fault because I didn't correct him on the spot. One of the group mate said "Why did your "partner" say that? Did you ask him to tell you stories?" and I replied "Maybe."

When we got back from the walk, I was regretting my hesitance to correct them. Why was I so reserved? I regretted dragging my "partner" into this too. At night, when we were gathering, I dragged the guy out of the room and told him, "My partner isn't like that. Please don't spread it." He laughed, but little did I know it would be the last time I could make him laugh.

Even later that night, I messaged him, telling him it was a misunderstanding and it was entirely my fault. He replied "It's fine, it is still funny." The next day, we tried talking per normal but I could tell he was really awkward. We finally stopped talking when we had to change pairs.

Until now, I still think perhaps, I shouldn't have said anything. My "partner" wasn't even that amazing for me to sacrifice this potential friendship. But when I think about how I felt back then, without me voicing out, I would have been regretting it now too. I do admit I had a small crush on him because of his kindness. I'm the type of person that looks at the personality, and looks are second. When I like his personality, his looks will gradually grow on me haha.

For the past few days, I couldn't talk to him , always looking away and probably blushing. The incident still hangs heavily on my heart and mind. I am the sort of person who cannot forgive herself for her own weakness.

Last night, we were gathered in a room, helping out gifts for our seniors. He behaved normally around girls except me. It suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps, we just aren't fated to be friends or whatever. We are probably lines that intersect each other once, and drift away. If I can stop it, I would have done so.

The more I look at him, the more I think, perhaps he found me too serious and boring for him. Perhaps that's the sole reason why we cannot interact normally. Either way, I still remember him fondly whenever I think of orientation.

The last thing I cannot forgive myself is that I probably ruined part of his memories of orientation, like how I ruined a part of mine.

I became much more reserved than usual, because now I'm afraid that I could hurt someone without intending to.