Reflection

Last night, I was listening to my brother and little cousin discussing on how to best plan her time for her upcoming major exam in like, 3 weeks? I saw how my brother started working backwards and how he actually wrecked his books for the first three weeks (he claimed he felt prepared despite not going to school). I guess I'm different from him because I can lack self-discipline. I have to be out to actually study (and it worked).

Anyway, I was observing how my little cousin looked up to my brother gratefully. I suddenly started to reflect that I am actually quite satisfied with my life right now. Even though there is still three more years before I am really done with studies, I'm grateful to have found friends in university. Even though I couldn't find any girl to click in my hall group, I found one in my course! And not forgetting that there are guy friends in my course who makes me feel so at ease.

I have found friends I truly can trust to stand with me through difficult times. I know even though we are studying in different schools, we are always best friends. I also recently talked to my secondary school friend and told her about the incident. I know that she is the type to think objectively. She told me it wasn't my fault. It was truly nobody's fault. She also advised me to realise that I shouldn't ruin my experience in school just because of a single guy. Now, I don't think about it because I wholeheartedly agree with her statement. He probably has found someone he likes (aka my senior but I can't really support them because it feels strange) so since he is happy, why shouldn't I be? Yup, that's my thinking now.

I am also grateful towards my parents who are so willing to come down to fetch me and my brother home to cut down travelling time. Even though it has been about at least 7 weeks since I shifted to hall, I am starting to realise how much I miss my parents' support and faith in me. Even though my father is always constantly questioning my studies (it does make me feel like he doesn't trust me), I still love them.

I also remember how much I really loved my grandmother and despite the language barrier between us, we always knew we loved each other. When I was young, I took for granted that she was always going to be there. Of course, she had never showed any signs of illness until that day. Now that I think about it, I really do miss her. I also know that she is always looking out for me. No matter what I do, I am quite sure she'll say "mei guan xi". Even after her death, her love is still endless. 

I am at the age where I think it is time to find a partner. But I won't rush it. I know that if I really do like him, I'll create more opportunities with him. Even though right now my guy friends are all unavailable, they are sincerely good people and I'm grateful to encounter them unlike my hall people.

Since school started, I realized that it is alright to be alone. It is really perfectly alright to be myself. Sometimes, I'll be done with socializing and I'll hide in a wrap around myself. To be honest, I don't trust people easily. I smile, yes, but in my heart, I have to access you if you are really worth it.

This week is going to be truly hectic. But I'm just going to tell myself that if I put effort that is amountable to what I best can do, I will get satisfying results. 

Alone, I'll have to find the motivation in me to do my work. It is time to step up my game. I don't have to prove to anyone how "smart" I can be, but I want to prove to myself that I can leave a satisfying mark on my life. 

I will always tell myself, quoting The Rock, "When life puts you in tough situations, don't say "Why me?". Just say "Try me."