Musings

Sometimes I don't know what I am feeling; sadness/ broken/ pain? I don't even know the cause. So susceptible to irritability and a tinge of envy for others who can hold so much on their plate, yet can become the best company of others. 

I wonder, I never had things go my way. I cannot even remember the last time I tasted success or make any major decision myself and never regretted it. Others are always persuading me, to think the way they want me to think. Morphing me, thinking they know best. This makes me think I can't make any decision without them. Its so tough.

Hard work does not necessarily reap results. Luck and talent play a huge part, and guess what, luck has never been a forte for me. 

Was my path forcefully paved ever since I was born? For example, hearing sounds when I shouldn't?

When I am angry, I tell myself to write anger in the wind, the perfect medium as told by the Buddha. Let it pass by unnoticed.

Now trying to understand the "better" way of living as told by religion texts or philosophical books. 

I may gradually shy away from social media so I do not feel such negative emotions in me. But without it, we feel lost in the happenings.

Also, I find myself liking people who should not be liked. For example, a gay? Or a attached guy who is 10 years older? I view myself as someone who cannot make my loved one happy, whether through interactions or my looks. 

I struggle a lot inside, and I feel insecure.

Sometimes it could be my horoscope that rings true to my soul.