Reflections

It's been so long since I'm back here. Why? Because there's always something on my mind that pulls me back here ha ha ha...

I've been focusing on my career, basically trying to remain useful and afloat in my company. Of course I am kind of enjoying my work (just a little concerned about politics here and there), and I am really learning a lot. So my goal is to just keep questioning things, and pick up some self-learning skills. It has been hard to kick-start my self-learning and all, especially with the recent development.

So let me get back to the main point.

Someone I knew in my previous semester replied on my instastory, and we started texting. It became 'fast and furious' as we continuously let the conversation flow; it became like an everyday routine. We would text before we sleep; we talked about dogs, cats, and anything. I still don't know what this will turn out to be, but we also talked about relationships. So far it has been easy-going, no expectations or whatsoever.

I've been consciously trying to be just myself, and not try to portray myself in a way to impress him (I sometimes do have this habit, just to prove myself?). I've also told myself that I have no expectations, and to just see him for who he is. Just observe him, with zero expectations.

Which means, I'm trying not to overthink about the future or whatsoever. I'm just enjoying the process. As what he mentioned, he thinks that the process is more important and I couldn't agree even more.

Guess our values kind of tie here and there, which are nice to have. But I think we are both just in the middle of figuring out if this chemistry can possibly mean something else or not. Even if it doesn't, it is alright because you can't force it. We can only just follow the flow, and just enjoy whatever comes along.

I also shared with him a video about the missing piece meeting a Big O, and I wondered if he was the kind that wanted his partner to fill in a missing part of him. Or does he want his partner to complement him? Anyway, he thought the video is about loving yourself before loving others, which I agreed.

I shared my perspective on the relationship, which is that both partners should try to be "whole" before entering a relationship. He then read into it, and asked if I wasn't ready for a relationship yet since I'm working on myself. Though I did panicked a little since I was subconsciously hoping he wouldn't give up yet, I thought I should just be honest with myself.

I said that I don't even know if I would ever be ready and that I'm working on both of it at the same time. From my previous experience, I thought I was "whole" but on hindsight, maybe I wasn't. I also questioned how I would know if enough is enough.

He then said that he didn't think there can be a fixed target but rather, when the time comes, I will know whether I am ready. I was like whoah dude, that's deep. He hinted that if he sees an opportunity, he would be willing to try out to see if things could work out.

Then I mentioned to him that I thought I would want to be the best version of myself before entering a relationship, and that I'm still far off from my goals. He kind of picked up that I've still been working on my insecurities, which I supposed scored him a point in my books hahaha okay I digress. Anyway, he said that the idea of being "whole" did not have to be about working on your flaws but rather not being too dependent on the relationship. In an ideal situation, partners can help each other overcome their flaws. He agreed that personal space is really important (which is what I really believe in, because I cannot stand clingy guys), which is another plus point.

Afterwards, he mentioned that I shouldn't worry about being the best version of myself, since the current me is nice too. And "people should like me for being me." which is basically what my friends have been reassuring me whenever I bring up depressing topics like that.

I guess my disability is still affecting my self-confidence, although I've been really trying hard to see it as a part of me. It doesn't define me as a person, but I have to live with it. It has been hard for me to see how can another person be able to live with that part of me. I still can't see it, but I've been slowly accepting my challenges that make me who I am.

I think the real reason why I have been pushing people away is really just this: I didn't want to stay long enough to see how another person can live with that part of me, because I am afraid it will turn them away. Rejection for a part of me that I cannot change.

It will hurt a hell lot, which is what I have been fearing. I think it's time to acknowledge that fear.

Thinking about it, how can I overcome that fear? What do I have that I can offer to my partner? And what are the times I was most proud of myself?

I have so many flaws that I cannot offer. But I think my strength lies in empathy, giving a listening ear, loyalty and usually seeing the brighter side of things. I tend to be proud that I do my best to see things objectively to give advice to my friends, and that gives them the willingness to trust me.

Anyway, while I have so much to think about, I am just going to remind myself that I am not going to think about the future, I will just enjoy the current moments. I will have no expectations, and I will see him for his strengths and flaws, and see if they are within what I can accept.

I have to remind myself that even if it doesn't work out, it really is life. Everybody faces rejections. Whether my time will ever come or not, I don't think I really want to care about it and be anxious about something that I cannot control.

Fighting!