It has been a month or so since we started texting each other. Think we are gradually becoming closer. I've been continuously telling myself to slow down, stay present in the moment, and just enjoy.
While I continue to struggle how I can approach the subject, my good friend told me that hey, it isn't a deal breaker even for him as a guy. That was reassuring when he said that.
But still, I know that it can be tiring to compromise that much for the girl.
I enjoy seeing and talking to him (even though it's online) and he has been making it clear to me that he thought the same. So far he has been enjoying our conversations, and I sense that he is trying to see if things can move beyond that.
I'm still afraid to tell him. But I realise that I have to be fair to him too. Assuming that when he realises that it is not what he has signed up for, it will be okay. Everyone has their own preferences. As he always tell me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I will make an effort for things to progress, but I won't force it if it doesn't happen. It will definitely be a pity, because I genuinely like his smile, and he can be quite mature when he wants to be.
It has been a month, which means it should be time for me to tell him right? People have been telling me it wouldn't make a difference if I tell him earlier or not, but I feel like it does. Telling him earlier would have changed his own perception about me, but telling him later would allow him to form his own judgement for me before knowing it.
I don't know how to be fair to him and myself. While I'm kind of interested, I also don't want to waste our time if it is a deal breaker. While I want him to chase me, I also don't want him to find out that I may not be what he wants.
We are still getting to know each other. We text mundane stuff, but I feel that it is normal. He is very straightforward that it catches me off guard.
I almost hurt him by rejecting him, but that was because I misheard him. Think I should tell him soon, so that it will not cause misunderstandings.
Okay, I think sooner or later, I will tell him. Even though doing it face to face may be better, there's still two more weeks to go. There's also no guarantee that I can be out of the house so soon as well.
My friend still treated me normally. My colleagues also do that, and they almost forgot that I have some difficulties at times. Not sure if that is a good sign though?
It's time for me to focus on my work properly. I'm not a kid, I have to learn how to manage my emotions and work. Personal matters stay personal; I've got a job to excel and learn the best I can. It won't be fair to the company if I keep getting distracted for the past weeks.
I do think I may like you. I don't think I've been myself so much or feel kind of at home when I talk to you. It's strange how we knew each other for at least six months before this and I never made an effort to talk to you. Now this happens. It is now a habit to say good night to you everyday. Feels like a couple huh?
Whether it is an infatuation or not, time will tell. Whether it is meant to be, I have no control so why worry? Just give it my best shot, and whatever outcome, I'll accept it. It may shoot me in the ego so badly that I might be crippled, but hey we are all humans. We all have preferences and that's alright. I want to have zero expectation that he will accept me for who I am. I am independent (though I don't feel that way lately), and I can take care of myself.
If it doesn't work out, so what? It's also a blessing because it means that I have more time to myself without committing to another person. I get to do what I want, without thinking of the teamwork. That's the brighter side of things haha yknow what, this really does make me feel better now. I love being alone too, able to make decisions freely, and just playing the role for my family.
If we ever get together, it will just be a topping on top of my already existing ice cream. I have so many things that I might have taken for granted, but I can work more on improving myself if it doesn't work out. You are not a necessity to my well being, because only I can take care of myself. Loving myself. I don't need to have a relationship to thrive.
Take it slow. Take it slow. Take it slow.
No comments:
Post a Comment