Truth

Just three days ago, I finally took the courage to tell him, and to my surprise, he knew. He said he wasn't sure of the specifics but he already had known a junior has this problem. I was surprised and felt a little stupid. He said that I'm doing fine, I went to mainstream schools and all. He then asked me seriously if I ever had any negative reception after telling people, and I thought maybe I did. But now that I think it, it's the people's true colours that scare me. In primary school, there was always a problem of knowing who were my friends. Girls that I trusted suddenly would admit that they wouldn't want to be friends and I think that contributed to me being fearful of rejection, or people I trusted enough only showed their true colours after I told them. Sometimes I felt that telling people would cause them to give me special treatment which I absolutely hated. I hated being treated so special just because of this problem. But overall, he didn't show much reaction except commenting that I sounded quite sad and heavy, although I've been injecting a lot of laughter (I tried to sound light), but guess that it had been bothering me a lot. Anyway I kinda told him that I'm glad it's out of the way now.

He then had two stories to tell me and I told him he could start with whatever he was comfortable with. He said he could tell me any of them, and asked me to choose. I decided to go for the more recent one, and after hearing his story (which could possibly be a deal breaker), somehow I was fine with it. I didn't feel jealousy, pain or shock, but I dealt with it. I said that was between two consenting parties, so that's that. Nothing much to say, and I really meant it. After the htht, I messaged him and thanked him for telling me the story (tried to keep it light-hearted). It was good that he was honest with me, and didn't try to hide. He told me I was the second girl to know the full story (first one has been a friend he needed advice from), and that was touching. It's a bit strange how we are getting to know each other before we even meet face to face, but I can tell he is looking forward to it a lot. I hope I won't disappoint him too much, but I'm just gonna be myself. 

I think it has been 6 weeks since I started texting him everyday, and 3 weeks since we first started skyping each other. With the recent htht, the anticipation has been building up. But I think we promised each other that we would just enjoy the process, and just figure out where it is heading. 

There are some flaws that striked me today, although I wasn't too sure. It seemed that he took his friend a little bit for granted, and I nearly wanted to tell him there are no free lunches in the world. He is expected to pay back even if they are super good friends, unless the friend has explicitly said it is alright and that it can be paid forward in the future. But I think it's not my place to say so, because every bond's dynamic is different. I just hope he won't expect me to come to his aid when it comes to money, because it is a separate issue. I'm not being calculative, but I'm a realist. Just hope that he doesn't expect his childhood friend to do things for him, cause that's not how friendship works. Anyway I don't know the childhood friend so we'll see. 

Other than that, he is rocking that smile well haha it is adorable to see him put his head on the sofa, and flash his teeth at me. 

As for the rest, I guess I'll observe if there are any changes in his behaviour towards me, and I'm gonna try to maintain my own with him.

Afterall, knowing a person for 6 weeks isn't going to amount too much especially since we haven't met face to face. Although we met last semester and knew of each other's existence, it is still important to know the chemistry between each other when we meet. 

While I obviously hope things turn out well, I am keeping expectations low. I believe we need to know a person at least 3 months before going into anything serious. I may get disappointed, but I promise myself to see who he is, and his flaws, and strengths. If I were to get together with him, I have to accept what made him him, and that includes his past. I'm also a little sorry for the girl, since she hasn't been able to get over him.

Hope he won't be a fake nice guy, or a dick. Hahaha but he has been telling me he isn't a dick but who would admit right? I don't know haha all I feel is that I should take it slow and enjoy the present moments.

If it comes, it comes.