Familiarity Traces

 I'm incredibly frustrated. Places I go, I'll suddenly stop in my tracks when I recognise the familiarity of it. 

"I've been here before. He brought me here."

Then memories will flood back; and I'll feel the anger and resentment. Then I'll tell myself what's the point; the choice he made has been done. I won't chase anyone ever again. I'm the protector of my own heart.

But I just feel frustrated that even if I never thought about it, somehow the places I go would be interlinked to him somehow. He may be a fucking loser. But I cared and loved him.

I'm starting to realise that many guys on the dating apps do think I'm a rare gem. They're trying to spend more time with me. And I give back only what I get. 

I feel traces of pain.

Writing can help me process the pain. I still feel grief. We had a spark; that was for certain. The day he put his arm around me casually, the chemistry went off charts. He said I showed him a smexy side, and he wanted me. But he didn't think he's a good enough partner and hence decided to ghost. That makes zero sense to me. 

If I thought I'm not good enough, is it shameful to tell the other person that? Maybe it is, because of all the insecurities. But what about the other person's feelings? I know that he knows how I am feeling now. But he chose to shut down, before things go even more and I'll get hurt even more. 

I don't know. Things could have ended better. He could say he doesn't want to continue because of personal reasons, and that's okay. But to feel like I'm only used for the ego.. I'm starting to see signs in another guy. I'm wondering if I should just end it, because this guy rly only talks to me at his own convenience. Tbh, I'm also using him that way for now. Only when it is convenient. 

I have no interest to go out with this guy. Yes I am curious about how he looks, but the way he texts. I think he's egotistical, and rly just using me at his own convenience. 

I kinda feel like I'm looking for a casual rs for physical intimacy. Just kinda craving it for now, that's it. But it'll look bad on the rs resume if I have ONS, hence I rather do it with someone that has mutual interest. 

The guy I'm talking to now, is disgusting. Solely black and white - pui. If only life is black and white. Wait till you encounter the actual situation, with different circumstances. Then you'll know that.. it's hard. 

I still beat myself. And I know karmic serves pretty fast. I have to accept it, because there's nothing I can do about it, and I deserve it. Sometimes I wonder if I have the rights to be in a rs at all. I'm clearly not healed.