Inside Out 2

 Watched Inside Out 2 alone. The cinema theatre was surprisingly empty, saved for a person at the back? The emptiness of seats beside me reminded me of B, when he was sitting beside me and I reached for his arm because I was cold, and I wanted his warmth.

The movie was great. I think it gave me a lot to think about. When Joy threw out negative memories, Riley's sense of worth seemed to be only positive. But in reality, all the negative emotions like Anxiety, Embarrassment, Sad, all of the memories, all make up the Sense of Worth. That's kind of really meaningful. I've been thinking that I have to be this very good person, to my family and friends, and partner. It's kind of cliche, but I forget that I'm human. 

My recent conversation with my counsellor also helped. She mentioned that regrets and mistakes, are all part of Life. It's about how you move on; are you going to keep making that mistake? So the movie kind of tied very nicely to what she told me. 

She said my self esteem might have been the root cause of the recent chain of events. After my break up; I was feeling low and empty because it was the first break up. And I had no idea how to cope with it. Then the incident happened because the option was offered to me, and I had to take it up because of my vulnerability and desperation. It took 2 hands to clap. After that, my self esteem went even down because of my self hatred and guilt, plus I set unrealistic benchmark to forgive myself. Something that was out of my control, which made self forgiveness hard. Then the fiona incident, which targeted my self esteem and triggered my anxiety. And thereafter, panic attacks. 

From thereon, I was constantly seeking external validation for my self esteem. Then the ghost guy came and gave me external validation under the guise of being supportive. And hence when he pulled out the rug, wow major homerun to my self esteem and anxiety. So in conclusion, my anxiety is triggered by my low sense of self esteem. And all the horrible things/ mistakes I made was a consequence. It just snowballed.

It all started to make sense; and I started to really respect her job. Because I hadn't seen this myself. I didn't figure it out, but now I see how it all interlinked to become the mess I am now. I needed to stop seeking external validation, and find inner peace. I needed to work on the self esteem, so that I can have the strength to make the right decisions. 

So the movie taught me that all of my mistakes, regrets, grief, sadness, joy, anger, all makes up me. I'm only human, I'm not someone 100% pure. It's how I choose to learn and move on. There's no such thing about disappointing friends/ family; because I'm not perfect. I can only just learn and move on.

Also, respect, accountability and effort are the bare minimum of a rs. It's better that it does not work out now, because it'll never work out without any of these components and unfortunately he has missed all 3. Hence, this is not the guy I need as my life partner. I will choose someone better than this trash. Unless trash decided to upgrade himself, but I'm not going to hope for trash to upgrade himself overnight. Hence I'll just work on myself to be a better partner, and if trash comes back upgraded then we'll talk. If not, bye trash who couldn't even do the bare minimum.