I don't want to fall back again.
I'm feeling disappointed in myself. I could do well in this subject in the past 1.2 years and suddenly, its like... something in me got too complacent despite myself telling myself repeatedly to never feel that way. I failed terribly for mid years for this subject, with my standing in this subject changing so drastically from perhaps like, top 25 percentile to the bottom 5 percentile. That really, really, crushed me. My confidence and my pride was utterly trampled on.
Right now it's no better. It's like a turning point. I just feel so afraid when I read some english articles I literally feel my heart pounding. Mid years was really a traumatic experience. I just lost my confidence.
I have no time. This is not a question of whether you want to regain your confidence. YOU MUST REGAIN IT. You got to keep telling yourself that, hey. Your primary language is English. You have been in touch with English longer than others. You have read many books since you were a kid. You have always (almost perhaps) excelled in it (at least you are always above 60 percentile).
Take this midyears with a pinch of salt. Things will never go down like that again. You've experienced worst results of like 0.6 percentile before so this is nothing. Besides, you have way more experience than others, that's guaranteed. In no time, you definitely can pick it up again.
Failure is inevitable. But it is the courage to continue that counts.
Got to get that feeling back. I will grab that subject and tell it face to face that look, I'm your master. You shall continue to be my pride so don't ever run away. All right, let's do this right.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Keep the focus in the game
Ok so there's this adult who I trusted and told her some stuff... and she decided to call my parents and then she hinted to them she knew about those stuff and I'm fucking pissed off with her. I think this grudge won't fade fast because hello, just because you called them doesn't mean I'll do your bidding. Once this shitty exam is over, I'll call it quits. I'll bear with it till the exam is over.
Sometimes, I think I can see him as a friend. I don't really get jealous with my friend but I find relief that she is there or things will be awkward between me and him... Anyway, sometimes I tell myself I can do it. I can stop liking him because he so obviously doesn't see me in that way, and our friendship is good enough. But yesterday, I really had a good time with him and my friends and... oh god this feeling started to ignite again.
I'm going to tell myself he doesn't matter. Sure, I learn a lot from him. He's one of those few people I truly look up to. But I won't let my eyes, who only see him, take my future away from me. I won't let these feelings stop me from succeeding. In the first place, succeeding may also make him look at him haha. Right now, my utmost priority is to gear myself up for prelims. Consultations are very important. I've to stop running away and face my studies really properly. I need to do this right. I need to show everyone I'm not some shoveover.
But I place some priority on friendships because it is what drives me through college. College is really tough... Right now, I need to study hard because there is always a right time for the right thing. Right now its studying. Next is playing. Then studying. Playing can mean cycling, swimming, etc... Reading mangas destresses me but on the flip side, it distresses me WAY TOO MUCH till I get distracted and get my priorities wrong. So right now, there are two options.
1) Don't read manga
2) Read manga (only the latest chapters of the ongoing ones)
I think option 2 is really impossible for me because I end up reading from scratch. So perhaps... I need to choose option 1 even though it'll be torturing. If I choose option 1, I need another way to distress. The question is, what. Running? (nah it's not my thing even though its indeed healthy) Cycling? (I don't owe a bicycle) Swimming? (my parents don't even allow me to go swimming by myself when I have the urge and that occurs in the mid noon and they are not even at home to.. watch over me?) I need a freaking hobby... How how how?
Okay next, how should I improve mathematics and physics?
When I do papers, I see no point because to me, it's just reading the solutions since I mostly don't know how to do them. I revise and after that, maybe I can do. But without touching maths for about 1 to 2 weeks, I forget everything (I'm not even exaggerating and it frustrates me)
Consultation: My maths mentor is way better than my tutor. Good. Physics, how how how. Ask my friends (sometimes I don't get them) and ask my tutor (he's quite useless sometimes)
I don't have much options but let's face it. There are so many things in life that cannot be controlled. STUDIES IS SOMETHING I HAVE CONTROL OVER. So this is something I want to excel. I want to do well so that I can stand on the stage with my friends and I want to very proudly tell my relatives and friends that yes, I lived my college life to the fullest, academically, and friendship wise. Friendship wise, I'm doing well in that area. So right now, it's time to focus academically. I will have to give up mangas till after A level. This is my resolve, BUT SERIOUSLY HOW ELSE DO I RELAX? I'm not a fan of music.... only japanese music....
Ahhhh my huge dilemma. But I really have to give up manga if I am serious about A level. This is the truth.
Time to focus on this!!
Sometimes, I think I can see him as a friend. I don't really get jealous with my friend but I find relief that she is there or things will be awkward between me and him... Anyway, sometimes I tell myself I can do it. I can stop liking him because he so obviously doesn't see me in that way, and our friendship is good enough. But yesterday, I really had a good time with him and my friends and... oh god this feeling started to ignite again.
I'm going to tell myself he doesn't matter. Sure, I learn a lot from him. He's one of those few people I truly look up to. But I won't let my eyes, who only see him, take my future away from me. I won't let these feelings stop me from succeeding. In the first place, succeeding may also make him look at him haha. Right now, my utmost priority is to gear myself up for prelims. Consultations are very important. I've to stop running away and face my studies really properly. I need to do this right. I need to show everyone I'm not some shoveover.
But I place some priority on friendships because it is what drives me through college. College is really tough... Right now, I need to study hard because there is always a right time for the right thing. Right now its studying. Next is playing. Then studying. Playing can mean cycling, swimming, etc... Reading mangas destresses me but on the flip side, it distresses me WAY TOO MUCH till I get distracted and get my priorities wrong. So right now, there are two options.
1) Don't read manga
2) Read manga (only the latest chapters of the ongoing ones)
I think option 2 is really impossible for me because I end up reading from scratch. So perhaps... I need to choose option 1 even though it'll be torturing. If I choose option 1, I need another way to distress. The question is, what. Running? (nah it's not my thing even though its indeed healthy) Cycling? (I don't owe a bicycle) Swimming? (my parents don't even allow me to go swimming by myself when I have the urge and that occurs in the mid noon and they are not even at home to.. watch over me?) I need a freaking hobby... How how how?
Okay next, how should I improve mathematics and physics?
When I do papers, I see no point because to me, it's just reading the solutions since I mostly don't know how to do them. I revise and after that, maybe I can do. But without touching maths for about 1 to 2 weeks, I forget everything (I'm not even exaggerating and it frustrates me)
Consultation: My maths mentor is way better than my tutor. Good. Physics, how how how. Ask my friends (sometimes I don't get them) and ask my tutor (he's quite useless sometimes)
I don't have much options but let's face it. There are so many things in life that cannot be controlled. STUDIES IS SOMETHING I HAVE CONTROL OVER. So this is something I want to excel. I want to do well so that I can stand on the stage with my friends and I want to very proudly tell my relatives and friends that yes, I lived my college life to the fullest, academically, and friendship wise. Friendship wise, I'm doing well in that area. So right now, it's time to focus academically. I will have to give up mangas till after A level. This is my resolve, BUT SERIOUSLY HOW ELSE DO I RELAX? I'm not a fan of music.... only japanese music....
Ahhhh my huge dilemma. But I really have to give up manga if I am serious about A level. This is the truth.
Time to focus on this!!
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Confusion
So I've been keeping these feelings a secret, only known to my mum and few friends. I've taken precautions to ensure only these people know about it by deleting messages, and hopefully keeping a poker face. I must say my plan only lasted up to today, which is seriously...
I had BBQ yesterday with my friends and of course, that person came over. My dad talked to him about many many things which I wasn't present so I didn't know what they were. When I asked him what they talked about, he just looked down and said, "A lot of things." I dared not ask him further more. So, last night, I spoke to my dad because I was curious. And that was the beginning of my mistake.
When my dad talked, I just smiled and said yeah I knew it. He gave me a strange look and said, "Why do you seem you know him so well?"
I KEPT QUIET.
"You keep smiling when I talked about him." And here's the part I screwed up BIG BIG TIME.
I just said "Uh, no la."
Shit, my usual response would have been "Cause we are good friends." I think that's how he started to suspect my relationship with him.
Today, he lectured me about some things I did wrong and suddenly he said, you come to my room later. I was already crying. So I'm pretty much sure he's going to scold me something really big so I got ready a big tissue box and headed to the room. He made me sit down and he seemed conflicted on how to approach the topic. I thought I was in big trouble. Maybe he was going to say I have lots of attitude problems and blah blah and I was tired of listening to those. I was bracing myself for I-don't-know-what-he-is-going-to-ask-me.
"That boy yesterday. Do you like him?"
Bam. I was like huh what did you say? Seeing my confused look, he repeated the question. "Be honest with me." And he looked at me pretty much expectantly.
And I'm like oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT. I can't lie my way out of this. He has already seen the look in my eyes and he's already expecting me to say yes or he wouldn't even be asking me this. That's how he found out and I really really really don't want him to know. I feel weird knowing that he now knows and he'll probably look at me in a different way. I mean, he uncovered the fact that his daughter likes someone and that may affect her studies and stuff if you know what I mean.
I wish I can escape this reality because in a sense, he is right. I really keep thinking about him even when studying and it's so very difficult for me to focus. I needed to resort to asking someone to study with me, sitting in front of me so that I could forget about him. A levels is in 5 months, and my exam is in 2 weeks. I'm in deep shit and I really need to pull out of this. Alright, don't forget the memories. Just put them in a safe, lock them tight, and put it away. Or perhaps, write it down so you wouldn't forget and you can reminisce again after A levels. It's time to stop this nonsense. He may not look twice at you and at the end you'll suffer more than him.
On a side note, I'm so conflicted. I wished he'll know my feelings and at the same time, I desperately don't want him to know. If we can be more than friends, of course I'll tell him. If we go back to zero, of course I'll not tell him. My confusion can kill me. I asked myself, do you want friendship over nothing, and the answer is yes. It doesn't have to be lovers if the risk of being nothing is so high.
I also do not know anything about his relationship with the girl he likes and I absolutely don't want to ask him about it. If only he would consider me at least.
I am also very annoyed with my friend who keeps approaching him. I hate the way she talks, like she is so keen to know his response and is always provoking him to answer her. I really hate it. Even though she tells me they are just friends and complains that she is always been misunderstood, I cannot trust her words. Her words are always opposite of what she does, and she has never failed to prove me right everytime. And because of that, I dislike her at times. I see her and I tell myself not to be like her, sometimes not even giving a shit to others and been so self-centered. When enough is enough, she doesn't get the hint. I'm tired of this. She doesn't know about how I feel about him but really. Enough. Spare me from this torment of seeing someone I like getting approached by a friend I can't be sure I can trust in the first place.
I had BBQ yesterday with my friends and of course, that person came over. My dad talked to him about many many things which I wasn't present so I didn't know what they were. When I asked him what they talked about, he just looked down and said, "A lot of things." I dared not ask him further more. So, last night, I spoke to my dad because I was curious. And that was the beginning of my mistake.
When my dad talked, I just smiled and said yeah I knew it. He gave me a strange look and said, "Why do you seem you know him so well?"
I KEPT QUIET.
"You keep smiling when I talked about him." And here's the part I screwed up BIG BIG TIME.
I just said "Uh, no la."
Shit, my usual response would have been "Cause we are good friends." I think that's how he started to suspect my relationship with him.
Today, he lectured me about some things I did wrong and suddenly he said, you come to my room later. I was already crying. So I'm pretty much sure he's going to scold me something really big so I got ready a big tissue box and headed to the room. He made me sit down and he seemed conflicted on how to approach the topic. I thought I was in big trouble. Maybe he was going to say I have lots of attitude problems and blah blah and I was tired of listening to those. I was bracing myself for I-don't-know-what-he-is-going-to-ask-me.
"That boy yesterday. Do you like him?"
Bam. I was like huh what did you say? Seeing my confused look, he repeated the question. "Be honest with me." And he looked at me pretty much expectantly.
And I'm like oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT. I can't lie my way out of this. He has already seen the look in my eyes and he's already expecting me to say yes or he wouldn't even be asking me this. That's how he found out and I really really really don't want him to know. I feel weird knowing that he now knows and he'll probably look at me in a different way. I mean, he uncovered the fact that his daughter likes someone and that may affect her studies and stuff if you know what I mean.
I wish I can escape this reality because in a sense, he is right. I really keep thinking about him even when studying and it's so very difficult for me to focus. I needed to resort to asking someone to study with me, sitting in front of me so that I could forget about him. A levels is in 5 months, and my exam is in 2 weeks. I'm in deep shit and I really need to pull out of this. Alright, don't forget the memories. Just put them in a safe, lock them tight, and put it away. Or perhaps, write it down so you wouldn't forget and you can reminisce again after A levels. It's time to stop this nonsense. He may not look twice at you and at the end you'll suffer more than him.
On a side note, I'm so conflicted. I wished he'll know my feelings and at the same time, I desperately don't want him to know. If we can be more than friends, of course I'll tell him. If we go back to zero, of course I'll not tell him. My confusion can kill me. I asked myself, do you want friendship over nothing, and the answer is yes. It doesn't have to be lovers if the risk of being nothing is so high.
I also do not know anything about his relationship with the girl he likes and I absolutely don't want to ask him about it. If only he would consider me at least.
I am also very annoyed with my friend who keeps approaching him. I hate the way she talks, like she is so keen to know his response and is always provoking him to answer her. I really hate it. Even though she tells me they are just friends and complains that she is always been misunderstood, I cannot trust her words. Her words are always opposite of what she does, and she has never failed to prove me right everytime. And because of that, I dislike her at times. I see her and I tell myself not to be like her, sometimes not even giving a shit to others and been so self-centered. When enough is enough, she doesn't get the hint. I'm tired of this. She doesn't know about how I feel about him but really. Enough. Spare me from this torment of seeing someone I like getting approached by a friend I can't be sure I can trust in the first place.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Mum's words of advice
I'm so glad I talked to my mother. Haha the past few days I've been so nervous because I've started to develop feelings for a friend of mine hahaha but the weird thing is that I've never felt like that for him at the beginning of the year. But now that I've witnessed more of his good qualities and his smiles, I couldn't help it. Gosh haha but this is a whole new experience for me and I feel so awkward. I feel this burning sensation of desire. I feel like I want to get closer to him and know all of him.
Anyway, so I seek advice from my mum and here is a wise old advice: "Just create opportunities and don't think about diving into a relationship. Just go out there and enjoy your time with him. If it comes, it'll come."
OK MUM. I'm just going to create opportunities with him and have fun yayyy and not think about all these nerve wrecking feelings.
No matter what, I am very glad to have met him I'm not kidding. He gives me courage for things I feel shy to do. Oh and she also said its normal for you to have strong feelings for a person even if it started later on. Just leave it for a year or so and it'll soften. So yup, anyway I'm going to enjoy myself with him ahaha and just get to know him moreeee.
She also shared with me a couple of her 'love' experience and its kinda funny hahahah I never knew some of those stories.
That goes to prove how parents are the best people you turn to when you need advice :-) Thanks mum.
Anyway, so I seek advice from my mum and here is a wise old advice: "Just create opportunities and don't think about diving into a relationship. Just go out there and enjoy your time with him. If it comes, it'll come."
OK MUM. I'm just going to create opportunities with him and have fun yayyy and not think about all these nerve wrecking feelings.
No matter what, I am very glad to have met him I'm not kidding. He gives me courage for things I feel shy to do. Oh and she also said its normal for you to have strong feelings for a person even if it started later on. Just leave it for a year or so and it'll soften. So yup, anyway I'm going to enjoy myself with him ahaha and just get to know him moreeee.
She also shared with me a couple of her 'love' experience and its kinda funny hahahah I never knew some of those stories.
That goes to prove how parents are the best people you turn to when you need advice :-) Thanks mum.
Friday, September 19, 2014
I won't get retained
The more people I meet, the stronger my desire to not get retained 💪💪💪 like hell no, I refused to get retained and I will promote together with people I love.
Thinking positively, this is just another challenge for me and I can overcome it.
Thinking positively, this is just another challenge for me and I can overcome it.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Prep talk
There's slightly less than one month left to this considerably major exam. My grades are improving slightly, yet I feel so insecure that I may screw up my promos and not get promoted. After my mid year exams, I could really feel this dark monster called retain wrapping around my soul. I guess that should give you a better idea of how bad it was. Never in my life have I felt that retaining is so real and so close to me. I'm precariously hanging on the cliff of results. I have not even started revising because I'm still trying to catch up my homework. As I see, 29 more days. There really isn't any time left. I rather suffer now than suffer from regret and sorrow.
But yknow dear girl, you've been through so much obstacles since you were born. With your determination and drive, I'm sure you'll see your way through this exam and look forward to next year with your friends. Your seniors, your sibling, everyone, have been through this and made it through. I'm very certain you can do it too!
But yknow dear girl, you've been through so much obstacles since you were born. With your determination and drive, I'm sure you'll see your way through this exam and look forward to next year with your friends. Your seniors, your sibling, everyone, have been through this and made it through. I'm very certain you can do it too!
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Appreciation post to friends I love
It's amazing that I've met a number of great people in college. It is never expected, to be honest. I thought that it'll be a torture to get through college (and yes it is still, academic wise) but my friends are giving me the motivation to push through. I'm so thankful for that and I really love you guys!
Sometimes I'm wondering what I am to the other party but I shouldn't think too much. If the other party likes me, he/she will do his/her best to maintain contact as well :) Either way, this is like one of the happiest period in my life thus far. Just the recent Saturday there was a WILD RUN which was da best. Then yesterday was a productive night study date with the guys. They helped me so much I cannot even express my thankfulness. Maybe I should just buy loads of chocolates for them during valentine day :/ (I pray it won't get awkward)
To that person, thanks for being like the sun to me and giving me the strength to get through life. You have my utmost respect :-)
Sometimes I'm wondering what I am to the other party but I shouldn't think too much. If the other party likes me, he/she will do his/her best to maintain contact as well :) Either way, this is like one of the happiest period in my life thus far. Just the recent Saturday there was a WILD RUN which was da best. Then yesterday was a productive night study date with the guys. They helped me so much I cannot even express my thankfulness. Maybe I should just buy loads of chocolates for them during valentine day :/ (I pray it won't get awkward)
To that person, thanks for being like the sun to me and giving me the strength to get through life. You have my utmost respect :-)
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