Table of Reasoning

Reasons why I want to quit:

1. Manager:

- Nothing I can learn from Manager. She's not as knowledgeable as other managers in this industry. 

- Overdependent on me. No support from her in terms of ops side (except only when I'm sick the past 2 days)

- I will have to live with her for at least 4 months. Okay, not too bad, just a little more to hang on.

- Doesn't set clear boundaries with the clients ie. Tell client that we are stretched, we cannot do this and that. 

- Overpromise clients and expects me to clean up after her.

- Says she has "no time" to do report together because she has to do xxx number of things that are ridiculous, because it is within her responsibility as a manager to do it. It is also about the same as what I do on a daily basis.

- Talk only, inefficient in doing things: while I'm trying to clear as many tasks as possible

- Promised that she would keep track of convo during my birthday; but did not.

- Expect me to work as she wants me to "ping" her after office hours.

TOXIC.

2. Clients: 

- Demanding clients with no clear sense of SLA and what is impossible.

- No respect for our personal time

- Expects things to be done swee swee when there's only 2 humans in charge of 11 people

- TOXIC

Options:

1. Quit during probation

PROS:

- 1 month notice period

CONS:

- No job secured yet

2. Transfer to another team

PROS:

- Bigger team + friend

- Better (?) managers

- Continue to learn more about media industry

CONS:

- not sure about clients

- chemistry with manager too?

- banking: not sure what I'd learn from there too. 

- role: is it the same as what I'm doing now?

3. Hang on for another 1 mth while I find another job

PROS:

- better chances of securing a better job

CONS:

- 3 months notice period instead

- will go into the festive period of death

New Job

 It's 2am and my mind is still racing even though my body is tired. I'm really having second thoughts about this job. 

Started on Mon, and somehow they kept asking me many questions about the projects. Obviously, I don't know much?? I read emails and let my boss answer since I'm not at the stage that I can answer them myself. I'm trying to learn, but I keep getting interrupted by meetings, and even then, there's hardly things to contribute when I'm only 3 days old (minus the Monday, since that day is filled with just HR and IT things).

When I tried taking an initiative, my boss asked me to add on more things, but I'm just feeling things around. Once I'm more familiar, I would be able to add on more things. 

Tbh, I feel like its really a downer that she's hard to get along with, and she's the only person on my team. I'm at her beck and call, and I also can't really do a proper job when she speaks so loud and I can't catch some words. She didn't really take initiative to get to know me better, in fact she's just... busy. 

In a new industry with no one to guide me on the procedures, I'm so lost. Today, the client complained that we are behind time. She said to me angrily the meeting room like "XX complained, YY complained, ZZ is going to complain". I just stared at her, because, as much as I like to help, I still catch no balls about what is happening now. She explains in pieces, and I just don't know what to look out for. 

It's really depressing being helpless, yet I know it's not fair to me, because I'm so new, and she shouldn't be getting frustrated and angry at me. What does she expect me to do in the first week? Lol. Plus, she had 15 years of experience compared to me. 

Client kept missing out info, and I assumed she knew what is it, either over call, or through standard practises. How would I know when to chase clients, when I don't know the standard practises yet? 

The team were also close knitted, and didn't really involve us. Is this the infamous politics? No clue. But it definitely makes this experience even more harder than what it already is. The only thing I can do is to keep trying to help (though she doesn't reply my messages too - and only calls at night, after work...). 

I got to be patient and kind to myself, even if she isn't, or rather even if no one is. I remember I suffered during my first 3 months of my first job, so this should be similar. Once I get the hang of it, hopefully it'll be much more easier to do things faster.

I'm also worried about my health. Seeing them eat so much despite sitting all day (my boss is also a heavy smoker), I wonder how to make time for my exercises during the weekdays. As if this isn't depressing already...

My boss and I also has this generation gap, while the other members were quite okay and close together. I kind of envy them ): I wished I have a better mentor who doesn't cough every hour, friendly, and able to explain things patiently. Sigh, at this rate, I can only be hopeful that I last a year. Or at least when she quits,, hopefully a replacement will be much closer to my age and of course, hope I'm already capable enough. Rip...

Resignation

Today, I've made one of the biggest decision in my life; and that is to move on from my job. 

I finally got the ball rolling; but at the same time, I can't help but think if I'm making making a mistake. 

Here's the pros and cons of leaving:

+ a seasoned mentor to guide me 

+ a deeper dive into the area to know if it is suitable for me/ something I like

+ fast paced so I'd have to pick up a lot more things

+hard skill sets that is definitely required in the future

+ boss seems to be quite understanding

+ no right time to leave

- sacrifice sleep

- leaving a familiar work environment 

- won't be able to see through a potential project (though it is a small part of my current BAU - which I hate a lot)

- critical time for team (I can only try my best to hang on, and tide them through this period)

- less flexibility; more at the mercy of others and also less independence

- maybe more milestones are achieved when I'm not there to benefit from.

I feel like I'm betraying the team; but I also feel like if I don't take the leap, I'll be wasting another additional year to learn the hard skills that I need for my future career. One more year means one more year of the same thing I've been working on; which I know very well that I dislike - except the new project I'm working on now.

I'll miss the team, they've been cool and genuine to work with; I won't be there to celebrate more milestones together. Hopefully I'll absorb everything I need, and then move on after 1-2 years back to client company. 

It's normal to feel upset, to wonder if I should take back the resignation, but such is life. This article shows exactly what I feel: https://www.themuse.com/amp/advice/feelings-youll-have-when-you-quit-job-you-still-care-about 

I still care so much. Sometimes I see that there is potential, sometimes I see that there is so much problem. Hais...

Interview in 2 years

Submitted a random resume to G***** maybe during the weekend? And got the call today (which I thought it was a spam call and didn't pick up). Got the email that they are inviting me to a 30 min interview.

Job scope is weird, maybe will check it out again on Sun cus I'm tired today. 

A bit excited because I wanna see how I'll perform for this interview. Fake it till you make it you know? Anyway I'm just gonna prep some questions and even if I don't get it, it's gonna be a good refresh since I've not gone for one in two years hahaha.

I'll need to prepare my intro again, and what I do. Also I should recall what I've done in my company, and how I can value add to Garena. Also to prepare some questions that is important to ask. Most importantly, I want my pay to be above $4k, market rate. I'm tired of my pathetic pay.

Let's just get the job first or even if I don't, the experience and fine tuning of my resume then! I'll think about the rest i.e. my course, my team, etc. Just very tired of working with the same people on the same shit haha maybe I'm the kind that needs to float around.

Reminds me of the Charmed Intuition. I watched the vid and she said the 2nd week there'll be a new change or clarify about my confusion or sth? Hope that next week will be good and kind to me.

Let good things manifest please, my heart has been troubled over the last few months 🥲

Fear

 I had a talk w my partner and now I'm just so lost. He opened up to me about his family matters and he was not confident that his family would not interfere. 

I don't know how to process my feelings. I'm just so upset; I like him, but at the same time we face so much issues - diff upbringing, different expectations, etc.

Our values are similar, but all these... and then his family. At the same time, how am I going to find a partner like him again? Someone who was so willing to put in effort, treating me so amazingly... 

It may be an amicable breakup, but I don't want to lose him, and neither did he. We're just both at loss at what is the next step. We decided to think about it and talk again in a month, but I'm so scared to invest myself now. 

Now I just feel like time is so short, I just want to see him more before time is up. We're both mature in our thinking, so I think we intuitively know it may not work out. But I want to prolong this, because I keep holding to this tiny silver ray of hope that things will change. 

I'm so terribly upset, I'm just at loss for words. I don't have a solution, we both know it. What should I do? How do I handle this? How do I move on? Not having someone to talk to everyday; to hear me out... I never knew its so devastating. 

I saw this quote on ig: "And if, in some distance in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love." - La La Land

I don't have it in me to imagine him with another person; but at the same time he needs someone who can accept all of him. I don't know if I'm that person. It's so difficult, this sadness; grief; fear; uncertainty. I'm really scared of losing him now. I feel like I need to see him again, to feel that everything is alright.

It's okay that I'm not okay; but yeah, it's so hard to date nowadays. Finding new people; building up from scratch. I'm just comfortable with him.

There are several times that he isn't appropriate, but who knows if the next guy is worse? Anyway, he says he knows he's being selfish, but he doesn't want it to end. 

And that look in his eye; the sadness. I never saw him with that look until today when he talked about it. I couldn't give him the assurance, but that I'd need to think about it. But I said thank you for being honest about this. 

Pain is real.

Family boundary

 I dont understand why my dad keeps asking me to share problems about me and my partner... like I tried telling him that I didn't want to discuss it now; now isn't the appropriate time to talk about it; I didnt want to have his impression of my partner turn bad... 

But I caved in because he got mad. I feel like this is rly something I don't want to do to my future kids. Family boundary is a thing. If someone in the family doesn't want to talk about it, and they're usually very reasonable, they know what they're talking about, can you for once, stop relating everything to trust issues? 

It's not about trust, I'm setting the boundary that this is something between me and my partner. I promised that problems between us would not be discussed with my family. I feel really shit about this, and I'm half mad at my dad. I know he wants to protect me, and I know what I'm doing. He keeps saying I don't know! 

So infuriated. I think I rly have to tell him that boundary is a thing. I want him to RESPECT it when I don't want to share something. You know me; if I think its something to be shared, I will. Right now this isn't a thing... I don't know why I decided to share something that affects me, but thank goodness I made it a small thing i.e. the vulgarities. Thank god I didn't say about it being used against his family.

But I do agree that it is something unacceptable, the more I think about it. If he is educated, he should be able to tell that this vulgarity should not be used against parents. He can use it with his friends for all I care, that's fine. But with me, and his parents, it's a low class way of talking and very disrespectful. 

I only brought up 3 issues and I tried to make them tiny. But honestly my dad was surprised about the vulgarity part, which made me regret telling him since it would change his perception of my partner.

I'm worried he will tell my mother, and she will be even more concerned. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with this. I still like my partner, and I want to do him justice.

But at the same time, I'm afraid of making a mistake. Maybe I don't see things right. That's when parents experiences come in. Okay this is the last time I will share problems with my dad. He is concerned I know, but when I think it's something that requires his perspective then I will ask. Otherwise, he should trust that I know how to handle. This is really showing me that he doesn't think I know what to look out in a relationship. Pls, when you were my age; did ah ma butt into everything? No right.

Again; I will emphasise a lot about family boundary. Some things you have to push kids especially when they're young. Otherwise, if you trust them and they have a reason to not say things, please please please respect their choices. 

Doing this is showing that boundaries are not meant to be respected. But that's very wrong. Even in a family, boundary has to be set healthily to prevent any invasion of privacy. 

I feel guilty, but again, I shared a miniscule of what I've been through. It's tough, but I'm mature and I know what to see. I'm sorry to my partner; I'll try my best to protect you from now on because regardless of everything, you're part of me, and I love you like how I love my family. 

Psycho bitch

I am in a turmoil. I feel like I have to ask him to choose between me or his friendship with the girl. We talked about our communication problems two days ago, and it was a thought provoking conversation.

Anyway, so this morning I happened to look at Facebook, and I came across the "friends suggestion", and the girl's FB was there. "Fine," I thought, as I clicked it open. I saw a series of photos, and status updates she had with him, some were even recent. Then I realised, oh perhaps because he was the "mutual friend" we had, so that's why FB was showing me these. Then I looked to the left of the screen and I saw multiple photos he had with her. I was particularly drawn to one, and I recalled that hey, I think I've seen this before.

I whipped out my phone, and went straight to her IG account. I had seen this subtly in one of her photos she posted in February this year. She was posing in front of a photo displayer in her bedroom, with multiple photos pinned. I immediately spotted the photo, although his face was slightly obscured. It was the exact photo on FB, meaning she had printed them to pin it up. I was in shock, and sick to the stomach. How much more clingy can she get? How much more obsessed can she be? 

She already knew he had a partner, and yet still posted this (although obscured). I'm just so sick of her. I see that she was just someone who doesn't know how to draw a line. 

1. She gave gifts to him excessively: a shirt, a bag and even a long crunched up handwritten letter. My boyfriend had let me read it, and it said along the line how she thought they had met at the wrong time, how she wished they could go back to the past. I had asked him if he thought the same way about it being the wrong time, and he said no, he had not thought of it like that.

2. In Oct, I was out with him and I coincidentally saw a message pinged to him. She asked if they could hang out on her birthday; go gai gai, eat at a cafe, and so on. I mean if you're close friends, like legit friends, that's fine. But no girl, please remember you two are not normal friends. You were fwb, without the PiV. How would your friend's partner feel? You are either a psycho to try to break the relationship or just damn dumb. My boyfriend still asked me if he could hang out with her for 2 hours, but ya, I'm so sick of this.

3. I recently heard from my friend (who knew about this) that our mutual friend told him that the girl told this guy that my boyfriend used to be interested in her. I have repeatedly confirmed with him and he said he was never interested in her. She even indirectly confessed to him, and he rejected her in year one. Fucking psycho bitch to spread that kind of rumours. Not sure what's she doing, but I think to do so, is damn sad because she is just seeking attention, validation and pity from others.

4. My boyfriend casually mentioned to his group that his part-time job company is hiring and she asked him to refer her to the boss, because she is looking for a job. Okay excuse me, firstly, the company isn't very good. Secondly, c'mon you have more balls than this right? Go and find other companies for a job. Again, so damn disrespectful of my relationship with him.

5. The photo is the last straw. I remember that they stopped things in Dec 2019 (my boyfriend was very clear on that). But the strange thing is that he never told me they met again in Jan 2020, one month after that? I feel very distrustful of him, because he left out details like that. I thought he told her that she should not contact him for at least 3 months until she is truly over him, so why Jan 2020?

6. Other photos of her and my boyfriend in the past still remained on IG. There was even a photo of her being carried back by him back then. Still left there, for all to see.

I feel that she is a completely psycho or cunning person, who is just hounding on us breaking up so that she can try to make another move again. She is just there, waiting. And just so blatantly disrespectful towards your "close" friend's relationship. If someone I know does that, I wouldn't want to be his/her friend because it's just so bad. 

I also don't think I can keep giving leeway to her and my boyfriend, so I guess we'll have to put an end to it by end of April or early May. This simply can't go on, because it's disrespectful to me and harming the relationship in the long run. If he chooses her, then so be it. If he chooses me and still feel resentful about having to make the choice, then it just simply means that we don't see eye to eye about it. This is about respect and appropriateness. It is a huge red flag if he calls me insecure or jealous without ending his friendship because he doesn't consider my feelings. 

People always say that old friends always come before new significant others, but there's always an exception to the rule. This is an exception.

Also, I've been thinking, this fwb is about self gratification. Now the question about this sort of behavior is the way he treats sex. Is it just merely a physical urge and not something that is fundamental to a relationship? He may have changed, but I have to question about this.

But on another note, I also cannot dictate but merely request him. Has he done anything that warrants my distrust with him? I think it's the small things of finding out that makes me feel like huh, why did he not tell me? Is he really being truthful? I guess...