Lingering Thoughts

 I don't know if I got backstabbed.

My friend/colleague did not tell me she was requested to pitch for a new client. I only found out 5 days later, and I was quite hurt that she did not tell me first when she had the opportunity; but I heard from my boss. 

I worked longer than she did, but somehow my boss hasn't given me the opportunity. I felt so tired of work, tired of trying hard and not been enough. 

I really want to leave; but I cannot find another job. I'm desperate to leave this life because its a vicious cycle. I don't see a way out. 

I'm thinking of speaking to my boss that I'm thinking of transferring out of this account because whatever I do, it's not enough. I'm discouraged, and tired. I'm not recognised enough. 

Or should I speak to HR before I talk to my boss? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll give it a week after I come back to talk to my boss and assess how open she is. 

I really need to leave. 

While VN trip has been great, I've done all sorts of self care as I could do: spa; attractions; enjoying nature. However, my mental care of writing and processing my feelings; I've not yet done it. 

Writing puts structure to my thoughts. For example, in this trip; I wondered if I could have a fwb. My close friend is about to propose. I remember the tiny spark in between us, and I wondered what would have happened that night had either of us crossed the line. Would we still be friends, or would we have translated to something more, or back to strangers?

Then I wondered what can I do if I'm sexually frustrated. Should I find a friend who is open to fuck me, yet still be friends? Or should I go online to have ONS? I kept pondering over these questions.

But I feel that I'm only sexually frustrated when I'm not working. I just want to cuddle with a man, to feel sexy I guess? To feel wanted.

I saw Korean couples wearing matching shirts and how I envy them. They're so cute together. I want someone who can protect me, excite me, and support me. 

Will I be able to find someone like that?

Let it go

 We broke up officially. 

I tried 3 times to persuade him to work on the relationship again but he was not emotionally ready, neither was he sure how soon it'd take for him to recover.

He told me to not wait for him (he didn't want me to be put down like that) and felt that it was not fair to me. 

I said even if I wait, is it really zero chance? He said at the moment, yes. And I heard him mutter "maybe in the future, you never know". After trying my best, I realise that I could finally accept the break up, even though it was stupid.

I asked him for his perspective as to when things went wrong. He said there wasn't any to pinpoint, but rather a domino effect where one thing led to another. He was tired of compromising, and his faith was shaken. He said it'd take a long time, and he didn't want to hold me back, neither is it fair for him to continue the rs half hearted. 

I respected his decision. He said if the stars align, if he has recovered, if I'm still single, and we were both ready to give it another try, then perhaps. 

I said to him; if you still have feelings for me, and you recovered faster than expected, you must contact me. He said okay, but told me again not to wait for him. 

He said if the stars align; if I'm still single, and he has feelings, it'll be up to himself to chase me. I joked and said well I may reject you 3 times as well; and he laughed. He said yes, it'll be his turn to try harder.

I feel sad that it ended like this, but I'm excited to consider new relationships with new guys, hopefully it'll be even more tender and loving. 

As I promised him, I will move on. If a better guy falls on my lap, I will make no mistake. If he chooses to chase me again, we will see the context then.

I want to lose weight, and be more confident about my body. I also want to hang out with friends again. And I want to love someone as well, maybe considering to increase body counts? I don't know hahaha but it'll be fun to see what happens. Let fate take me, bring me to where I am meant to be with.

I fought hard, and I think perhaps the timing isn't great now. So perhaps it's better to break up and reevaluate my choices in partners. It's meant to happen (because he was stubborn, it might have prevented further pain down the road). Whether it's for us to come out stronger, or for us to find more suitable partners, we will see.

I an glad to talk to him for a final time. I didn't realise how much I missed his voice. I enjoyed listening as a final farewell for now.

Decision

 The timeline of end of May is drawing closer. I'm thinking we shouldn't even entertain the idea of balloting first, then talk after, right?

I just spoke to my sibling about my partner's dad and what he thought of me. He said that if he is unimportant, then it doesn't matter. But I'd need to cue my parents to prepare them if they ever meet up.

But my sibling advised me to really think if I'm certain about him. And knowing my family, they can immediately tell if I am unsure. If I take the step, I'd want to let them know that I am sure that I want to be by his side for a lifetime. 

But at this stage, I can't even answer the first layer. When I think back about the "red flags", I didn't like it. They eroded my trust in him. I don't think there was a time I thought to myself that "hey, I want to marry him." Like how he didn't explain to his friend about me properly. He is still patient, but sometimes talks in an arrogant manner that I have to beat some sense into him. I'd say why are you talking so rudely, before he clamps down on his tone. This is how he has been brought up though, so I can't say much. The only time I might have thought that is when he was super considerate to his surroundings.

Reasons to break up:

Firstly, it is his need for physical intimacy. It is so vastly different, and I gave in at least 3 times. Though at times I do want it, he didn't respect my opinions when I didn't want it. He didn't consider how I felt - no cuddling; it's like ok let's get that out of the way, what's the next thing? I don't think the love languages can be changed easily, and I warned him recently that I will not entertain that anymore.

Secondly, his expectation of the future lifestyle isn't really in line of what I wanted initially. He says he doesn't need to get a condo; he says he cannot cook (but he didn't even try). He might be expecting a traditional wife. And he doesn't mind travelling but with a budget. 

He wants me to lower my expectation of the future, but I don't think I'm asking much. All that I ask is that we try to earn as much as we can, ofc not sacrificing other aspects of life. But if I'm given a chance, I want to earn at least 9k - 10k by my 30s. It is a high wishlist, but I'd love a challenge. 

For him, he said he doesn't really want to earn a lot because of pressure. When I see him, he's really not ambitious but he works hard for his colleagues. He treasures friendship I guess... but he dwells in comfort for a very long time and sees no need to upgrade himself.

I'm not sure if it is the right thing to ask me to lower my expectation. Is that fair of him?

Thirdly, the emotional intimacy. I don't feel supported. Even when in Japan, during our only video call, he went to fix his laptop "because it died". It was 11pm and I was tired but I waited for his message to video call. I was deeply disappointed that he didn't seem so excited about it but I guess I can attribute it to his lack of travel experience.

But I treasure his hardworking attitude and laid back personality. It is easy for anyone to get along with him, and he speaks up when he has to. It is admirable that he got this far with his persistence even though he took a longer route.

However, I'm no longer sure if I can see a future with him. I might have a hard time if I continue staying with him. I'm not getting the emotional support I need (unlike guys like SH and P, who are much more understanding of girls). They make me feel like my feelings are validated, which is something we're both lacking a lot. I don't feel that way with him.

Maybe I should ask to meet with him before the 1st week of May to break up, so that we don't have to consider the idea of balloting.

He is a good guy, but I don't have a sense of security with him from then until now. Physical is a no, emotional initmacy is a no, and even financial expectation/ security is a no.

I don't think I can marry him as he is now. 

Table of Reasoning

Reasons why I want to quit:

1. Manager:

- Nothing I can learn from Manager. She's not as knowledgeable as other managers in this industry. 

- Overdependent on me. No support from her in terms of ops side (except only when I'm sick the past 2 days)

- I will have to live with her for at least 4 months. Okay, not too bad, just a little more to hang on.

- Doesn't set clear boundaries with the clients ie. Tell client that we are stretched, we cannot do this and that. 

- Overpromise clients and expects me to clean up after her.

- Says she has "no time" to do report together because she has to do xxx number of things that are ridiculous, because it is within her responsibility as a manager to do it. It is also about the same as what I do on a daily basis.

- Talk only, inefficient in doing things: while I'm trying to clear as many tasks as possible

- Promised that she would keep track of convo during my birthday; but did not.

- Expect me to work as she wants me to "ping" her after office hours.

TOXIC.

2. Clients: 

- Demanding clients with no clear sense of SLA and what is impossible.

- No respect for our personal time

- Expects things to be done swee swee when there's only 2 humans in charge of 11 people

- TOXIC

Options:

1. Quit during probation

PROS:

- 1 month notice period

CONS:

- No job secured yet

2. Transfer to another team

PROS:

- Bigger team + friend

- Better (?) managers

- Continue to learn more about media industry

CONS:

- not sure about clients

- chemistry with manager too?

- banking: not sure what I'd learn from there too. 

- role: is it the same as what I'm doing now?

3. Hang on for another 1 mth while I find another job

PROS:

- better chances of securing a better job

CONS:

- 3 months notice period instead

- will go into the festive period of death

New Job

 It's 2am and my mind is still racing even though my body is tired. I'm really having second thoughts about this job. 

Started on Mon, and somehow they kept asking me many questions about the projects. Obviously, I don't know much?? I read emails and let my boss answer since I'm not at the stage that I can answer them myself. I'm trying to learn, but I keep getting interrupted by meetings, and even then, there's hardly things to contribute when I'm only 3 days old (minus the Monday, since that day is filled with just HR and IT things).

When I tried taking an initiative, my boss asked me to add on more things, but I'm just feeling things around. Once I'm more familiar, I would be able to add on more things. 

Tbh, I feel like its really a downer that she's hard to get along with, and she's the only person on my team. I'm at her beck and call, and I also can't really do a proper job when she speaks so loud and I can't catch some words. She didn't really take initiative to get to know me better, in fact she's just... busy. 

In a new industry with no one to guide me on the procedures, I'm so lost. Today, the client complained that we are behind time. She said to me angrily the meeting room like "XX complained, YY complained, ZZ is going to complain". I just stared at her, because, as much as I like to help, I still catch no balls about what is happening now. She explains in pieces, and I just don't know what to look out for. 

It's really depressing being helpless, yet I know it's not fair to me, because I'm so new, and she shouldn't be getting frustrated and angry at me. What does she expect me to do in the first week? Lol. Plus, she had 15 years of experience compared to me. 

Client kept missing out info, and I assumed she knew what is it, either over call, or through standard practises. How would I know when to chase clients, when I don't know the standard practises yet? 

The team were also close knitted, and didn't really involve us. Is this the infamous politics? No clue. But it definitely makes this experience even more harder than what it already is. The only thing I can do is to keep trying to help (though she doesn't reply my messages too - and only calls at night, after work...). 

I got to be patient and kind to myself, even if she isn't, or rather even if no one is. I remember I suffered during my first 3 months of my first job, so this should be similar. Once I get the hang of it, hopefully it'll be much more easier to do things faster.

I'm also worried about my health. Seeing them eat so much despite sitting all day (my boss is also a heavy smoker), I wonder how to make time for my exercises during the weekdays. As if this isn't depressing already...

My boss and I also has this generation gap, while the other members were quite okay and close together. I kind of envy them ): I wished I have a better mentor who doesn't cough every hour, friendly, and able to explain things patiently. Sigh, at this rate, I can only be hopeful that I last a year. Or at least when she quits,, hopefully a replacement will be much closer to my age and of course, hope I'm already capable enough. Rip...

Resignation

Today, I've made one of the biggest decision in my life; and that is to move on from my job. 

I finally got the ball rolling; but at the same time, I can't help but think if I'm making making a mistake. 

Here's the pros and cons of leaving:

+ a seasoned mentor to guide me 

+ a deeper dive into the area to know if it is suitable for me/ something I like

+ fast paced so I'd have to pick up a lot more things

+hard skill sets that is definitely required in the future

+ boss seems to be quite understanding

+ no right time to leave

- sacrifice sleep

- leaving a familiar work environment 

- won't be able to see through a potential project (though it is a small part of my current BAU - which I hate a lot)

- critical time for team (I can only try my best to hang on, and tide them through this period)

- less flexibility; more at the mercy of others and also less independence

- maybe more milestones are achieved when I'm not there to benefit from.

I feel like I'm betraying the team; but I also feel like if I don't take the leap, I'll be wasting another additional year to learn the hard skills that I need for my future career. One more year means one more year of the same thing I've been working on; which I know very well that I dislike - except the new project I'm working on now.

I'll miss the team, they've been cool and genuine to work with; I won't be there to celebrate more milestones together. Hopefully I'll absorb everything I need, and then move on after 1-2 years back to client company. 

It's normal to feel upset, to wonder if I should take back the resignation, but such is life. This article shows exactly what I feel: https://www.themuse.com/amp/advice/feelings-youll-have-when-you-quit-job-you-still-care-about 

I still care so much. Sometimes I see that there is potential, sometimes I see that there is so much problem. Hais...

Interview in 2 years

Submitted a random resume to G***** maybe during the weekend? And got the call today (which I thought it was a spam call and didn't pick up). Got the email that they are inviting me to a 30 min interview.

Job scope is weird, maybe will check it out again on Sun cus I'm tired today. 

A bit excited because I wanna see how I'll perform for this interview. Fake it till you make it you know? Anyway I'm just gonna prep some questions and even if I don't get it, it's gonna be a good refresh since I've not gone for one in two years hahaha.

I'll need to prepare my intro again, and what I do. Also I should recall what I've done in my company, and how I can value add to Garena. Also to prepare some questions that is important to ask. Most importantly, I want my pay to be above $4k, market rate. I'm tired of my pathetic pay.

Let's just get the job first or even if I don't, the experience and fine tuning of my resume then! I'll think about the rest i.e. my course, my team, etc. Just very tired of working with the same people on the same shit haha maybe I'm the kind that needs to float around.

Reminds me of the Charmed Intuition. I watched the vid and she said the 2nd week there'll be a new change or clarify about my confusion or sth? Hope that next week will be good and kind to me.

Let good things manifest please, my heart has been troubled over the last few months 🥲