Delusion

Well I think I'm having some kind of delusion and it very well goes against my morals.

But it is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just lonely because I have had enough of relationship drama (recent one was around two weeks ago) and I swore to myself I didn't want any part of this anymore.

I've recently gotten closer to a very good friend of mine that we hang out every week. And he's the only person who can make me laugh with his messages (meaning our humour matches well). But we cannot and must not go beyond this friendship as he has a partner.

I very well respect his partner. But his actions confused me a little, but I'm quite sure I've been overthinking it. I really have to take more personal space.

But what's strange is that as a friend, nothing more and nothing less, why would you come to me after you did that wipe? I mean my logical thinking was that you would just go straight back to the vehicle. But you ran towards me in the rain, and my heart started pounding. You then looked back and then you tried to joke before awkwardly giving me a pat on my shoulder. It almost felt like he wanted to just hug me but he was afraid of doing more because we both knew he has a partner and this is out of question.

We are both very morally upright people and I think we were kind of compatible as well. So we flirt a little, but nothing more. There's a line.

It is just unfortunate that we didn't meet earlier because he is a sincerely nice person and I've known him for around 3 years? I guess it is fate.

Inside me, I just can't help having this tiny hope (which is fucking wrong of me) so I really have to make space for both of us. I think the memory of him running in the rain towards me is seared in my mind, and it almost felt like there really is something there. My heart just won't stop pounding (because of shock too).

I think he does like me too as a friend or a sister. But I wish he can be more clearer about the latter. And I have to move on because nothing can ever happen between us. I'm sincerely excited for him and his partner, so that's that. I just want to keep him as a friend or whatever that fate chooses.

I'm trying to calm down, but I realise we text each other almost everyday. We just don't run out of things to say.

But I guess when we graduate; we won't have any excuse to meet up and this infatuation of mine will fade away. So I'm just holding on, waiting for this feeling to fade away.

It has to.