Thoughts

 Thought I should write my thoughts down in preparation for the upcoming conversation on Sunday. Today, I met my boyfriend as usual, but somehow it felt different. Words are not his strong suite but he tries. I feel like a concern I may have is that he likes me just because I'm his girlfriend. I know that to most of the guys, they wouldn't make the girls their girlfriends if they didn't have feelings for her. But I think his words were not really words of affirmation, but rather just to flirt and please me without any real depth. 

Somehow it felt like he isn't really looking at me, but rather looking at me because I'm the girl he got "lucky" with, and he still indulges in that happiness. 

 Also, we've been meeting frequently, although it is now reduced to twice a week. It feels like we don't really have much to talk, which I was fine with it. However, I think I've started to become more uncomfortable because it is starting to be increasingly sexual i.e. he starts to pester me with kisses and more handsy.

He did respect my wish when I told him about the butt, but to be frank, isn't it common sense? Guess it doesn't apply to him.

Just 4 days ago, the girl he had a past with texted him while we were together, asking if he would celebrate her birthday with her. To be frank, I already told him that I didn't like it and would even prefer that he cut off with her. But he said that if he could salvage the friendship, he wanted to try. 

I just thought that if it is broken, with feelings still there, I think it is impossible to salvage. Anyway, he met her for dinner and thought that she certainly didn't have feelings for him anymore. But at the same time, I still cannot trust the girl's words, because she is always contacting him. Even though it's for a project now, it just didn't seem right. And now this birthday? 

I told him he should do the right thing, and he looked confused. He said there was no right or wrong, but he intended to eat dinner with her for just 1-2 hours. He asked me for my opinion, which I said no. I told him to celebrate a belated birthday instead of the actual day, and he still asked me what's the difference between an actual day and a week later. Gosh, I was kind of annoyed.

I think from these few instances, it felt like he wasn't able to put himself in my shoes, and consider how I would feel. Even though he did ask me for my opinions, his suggestions already showed to me that he wasn't really able to consider my feelings. 

He was just happy that he has a girlfriend now, that's the horrible thought I have now. 

Today, he was really chatty, and clingy. I hate clingy guys, and I hinted to him. He said he gave me personal space by not texting me where I am and stuff, just that when he was with me physically, he gets clingy. He asked me if I liked it, and to be frank, I'm fine if it's once in a while, but for the past few meetings, he has been like this. I don't really like it now.

Sometimes he acts like a 5 years old boy, with pouting and all. I prefer mature guys, but he has been quite childish now, which makes it hard for me. I get that guys tend to be more childish in front of girls they like, but that is a little too much.

Although I didn't intend to, our conversation suddenly steered to the meeting frequency. I asked if it is okay to meet once a week, and he didn't look too happy. After some persistence from me, he admitted that he was the kind of person who wanted to spend time physically with the person he likes, and didn't think we were meeting that frequently (well, he said he missed me at the start, so I can tell that 4 days break was still too much for him). He is certainly way more infatuated than I am, which I think meeting once a week would help to reduce this infatuation, and let him look at me more. We'd also treasure the time together even more, but to him, he was afraid that the feelings may fade.

On the other hand, if our feelings fade, then perhaps we weren't meant to be, right? If not, it would get stronger over time, I think. 

What are we missing in our relationship, and how can we improve it?

1. Consider cutting frequency to once a week, for more personal space and to see if we can grow stronger from there. 

2. Stop all the physical touchiness every time we meet. Once in a while is fine, but not always. 

3. To be more considerate of my partner's feelings i.e. not drinking with my guy friend, because there is always a chance of something going wrong and I wouldn't risk it if I treasure my partner. 

4. Find something we can do together i.e. cycling, meet his friend. I'm okay with meeting his friend now.