Game

 I saw that he checked out my account tonight (or ytd..?). On 2 Aug. Why? His profile appeared on my profile. 

I was shocked. Then I clicked on his profile to dig, and realised he has been playing everyday with the same group of friends. As I looked at his history, I found a username, which dawn upon me as my friend's bf. 

Meaning, he has been playing with his army friends everyday. I don't know when did it start; but he bought new skins. Beautiful skins. 

He has purposely checked me out to see if I've been winning matches.

I just feel so hurt again, and I really want to tell my friend that her boyfriend's friend is an asshole. But... what's the point? Indifference is best right? I'm just telling myself to focus over the next few days.

I've already deleted my convo with him. Even if he talks to me, I just can't think of a good reason for him anymore - to not talk to me for 6 months. It's so damn disrespectful to not let me know what's happening. 

And he still could play with his friends...? I think I'm just more disappointed in his choice now, he's really not the mature person I thought he was. And I'm done with that. 

Focus now on the new chapter.

Dream

 I cried as I deleted my tele conversation with him. My friend said even if I'm sure of him, if he is not sure of me, it won't work out. In this case, he's not sure about himself.

Anyway, I loved him and that's why it's still so hard on me. But the opposite of love is indifference. 

When I saw our texts, God. His warmth reverberated through me. Physically and emotionally. When he told me that I'm capable, smart and driven, and to not let whatever bad bosses, make me lose my drive or demotivate me.

Fuck sis, I really loved him. How did I fall so hard for this man after knowing him for 3 months? 

I continue to shed tears, but I know I will forget about him. I will push him out of my mind until he becomes distant. 

I hate this lesson, and I wished it ended better. I loved you Ben, through this 3 mths. It was short, but you gave me so much: the peace and joy. And you gave me knife cutting hurt and pain. 

The amount of disrespect shows how emotionally immature you are, and your insecurities. 

You're crazy. Yet I still dream of tracing my hands over the scar beside your eye. And I still dream for that embrace behind my back; and even the tight hug as you sniff my hair. How you held my hands. And how you looked at me with such gentle eyes and the soft wry smile of yours. How you teased me cutie and said you're afraid you cannot control yourself. Hella sexy.

I dream of touching your cheek, and you finally letting me into your world of darkness, and letting me light it up. I dream of you whispering loving words and supportive words to me as we lay down. Cuddling. I dream of your hand finally reaching for my face and tilting it up, as you bend over to place your lips over mine. Softly, just as you softly kissed my cheek back then. The genuine connection was there, it's not easy for me to find that but this happens.

I dream of the day I find a love like this, and it's even better than what I dream of.

Inside Out 2

 Watched Inside Out 2 alone. The cinema theatre was surprisingly empty, saved for a person at the back? The emptiness of seats beside me reminded me of B, when he was sitting beside me and I reached for his arm because I was cold, and I wanted his warmth.

The movie was great. I think it gave me a lot to think about. When Joy threw out negative memories, Riley's sense of worth seemed to be only positive. But in reality, all the negative emotions like Anxiety, Embarrassment, Sad, all of the memories, all make up the Sense of Worth. That's kind of really meaningful. I've been thinking that I have to be this very good person, to my family and friends, and partner. It's kind of cliche, but I forget that I'm human. 

My recent conversation with my counsellor also helped. She mentioned that regrets and mistakes, are all part of Life. It's about how you move on; are you going to keep making that mistake? So the movie kind of tied very nicely to what she told me. 

She said my self esteem might have been the root cause of the recent chain of events. After my break up; I was feeling low and empty because it was the first break up. And I had no idea how to cope with it. Then the incident happened because the option was offered to me, and I had to take it up because of my vulnerability and desperation. It took 2 hands to clap. After that, my self esteem went even down because of my self hatred and guilt, plus I set unrealistic benchmark to forgive myself. Something that was out of my control, which made self forgiveness hard. Then the fiona incident, which targeted my self esteem and triggered my anxiety. And thereafter, panic attacks. 

From thereon, I was constantly seeking external validation for my self esteem. Then the ghost guy came and gave me external validation under the guise of being supportive. And hence when he pulled out the rug, wow major homerun to my self esteem and anxiety. So in conclusion, my anxiety is triggered by my low sense of self esteem. And all the horrible things/ mistakes I made was a consequence. It just snowballed.

It all started to make sense; and I started to really respect her job. Because I hadn't seen this myself. I didn't figure it out, but now I see how it all interlinked to become the mess I am now. I needed to stop seeking external validation, and find inner peace. I needed to work on the self esteem, so that I can have the strength to make the right decisions. 

So the movie taught me that all of my mistakes, regrets, grief, sadness, joy, anger, all makes up me. I'm only human, I'm not someone 100% pure. It's how I choose to learn and move on. There's no such thing about disappointing friends/ family; because I'm not perfect. I can only just learn and move on.

Also, respect, accountability and effort are the bare minimum of a rs. It's better that it does not work out now, because it'll never work out without any of these components and unfortunately he has missed all 3. Hence, this is not the guy I need as my life partner. I will choose someone better than this trash. Unless trash decided to upgrade himself, but I'm not going to hope for trash to upgrade himself overnight. Hence I'll just work on myself to be a better partner, and if trash comes back upgraded then we'll talk. If not, bye trash who couldn't even do the bare minimum.