Discipline

This is crazy. I must be crazy. It's only a few more days left to The exam and I am starting to have a crush on my primary school friend.

I'm crazy.

Today I felt happy but truth to be told.. it wasn't that productive. Maybe if I have questions to ask then I will study with him. His explanations are godly.

Anyway girl, this isn't the time to be thinking about such thing. I really felt sad that this acquaintance decided to u - turn. She decided she wasn't ready and I just feel so helpless. I thought she was on par with me? What happened?

And I question myself. Am I ready?

The answer is no.

What in the blazes am I doing? Nothing should stop me from doing what I must do. THERE IS NO TIME. I MUST DO WHAT IS IMPORTANT. My priority are all wrong. Guys should not stop me from getting what I want. I want to get into a course I can have fun, like drawing.

I must have the determination to turn away from everything. It can all wait till after The exam. But to be honest, I'm afraid that this friendship will slip away since it's very recently forged and I treasure him already.

GIRL. Do you want to end up regretting your results? As HY said, if you are fearful, you will be unable to give your best shot. If you give your best shot, what is there to fear?

I do know what went wrong. Now I need all the discipline I can master to study. To study and polish my knowledge and practise. It's time for crazy practise. I can do it. Maybe it won't be so well, but shoot for the Sun and you'll land among the stars even if you didn't reach the Sun. So my goal remains: all A. I'll strive my hardest during the next few days. Give my all. Fighting!

Adult with zero EQ

Please be mindful that this post will be full of anger and sadness. Avoid this post if you can haha its a way for me to express myself so that I can stop thinking about this.

So I mentioned about a trusted adult in the previous post. Two days ago, she messaged my dad "I am unable to teach your child with immediate effect due to health reasons". No apology. HA HA HA. HEALTH REASONS? BULLSHIT.

The more I recall about her complaints to me about her other students, the more angry I become. I was always the student who became a listening ear for her when she had things to say about her students. I have no idea if other students also had to go through like what I did but I really hear stories from her. Not once has she ever stopped teaching someone because of health reasons. Why, she even boasted that she exercised once per week and wanted to race with me after The exam. Not only that, she has told me that a student of hers did not submit homework on time and had lessons every 2 weeks. She is still teaching him??? I have one lesson per week. And I submit homework on time. And I was very nice.  

"Oh you have a nice smile. It's nice to teach you." "I'll bring you out to buy clothes after The exam." "You want a green pen instead of chicken wing as a reward? Thanks!"

This was all a lie. 

First thing I'm extremely hurt about. She did not BOTHER to message me and I had to find out indirectly from my father. Second thing, we were her client for 2 years. My older sibling was a client of hers too. I even introduced my friend to her because she wanted more students? Are you telling me that your pathetic quarrel with my father made you that upset to forget everything? You are a bitch. I can't believe a 34 years old woman would do this. ONE MONTH to The exam. 4 more lessons? My family had no idea you were such a picky person and an immature person who wants to get back at people.

天有眼。

You will receive karma. My family had done you no injustice. In fact we used to be the best client you ever had. Maybe it was my fault I had to reschedule several times but excuse me, you've been teaching for more than 4 years. Are you telling me this is the first time you had a student who changes lessons every time? And I wasn't like that for the past 1.5 years. Only at the later part of the year, so many events came up. 

You. I think you made the wrong decision. We could have remained as friends. Are you telling me the cost outweight those days we had together complaining and laughing and learning? You have sorely misjudged. Why were you even specializing in a subject that required judgment when you are so sorely lacking in it?

Whatever you did was a lie. "I'm committed to teaching your child." Lies. To that tutor, I thank you for being the first person in my life to show me that the world is cruel. You have hurt me and I hope that your students will one day find out what kind of person you actually are. 

You are such a disappointment. To me. To my sibling who trusted you too. To my family who had respected you. 

On an another note, it's good it happened. I'll learn from this incident. I've much to learn from. Certainly I'll get hurt but I'll grow.

Exhaustion

I'm so weary. Am I improving? Or am I falling again? Why is it that everytime I feel that things are going right that everything has to go wrong?

I'm tired and my heart feels heavy. I just want to let everything go... sometimes I feel that I'm catching up, but something has to pull me back. It's always like this and I'm just so sick. Dear god I desperately need much much determination and strength to get through this tiring time. I beg you, just let me have hope. All I need now is hope that things can get better for the major examination that will determine my future in just one month time. Please.

Instead of saying that "I suck", it is better to say that "there's always someone better than me".

I want to make this journey fulfilling and I want it to have a happy ending. I pray for a happy ending.

Courage to face the fear

I don't want to fall back again.

I'm feeling disappointed in myself. I could do well in this subject in the past 1.2 years and suddenly, its like... something in me got too complacent despite myself telling myself  repeatedly to never feel that way. I failed terribly for mid years for this subject, with my standing in this subject changing so drastically from perhaps like, top 25 percentile to the bottom 5 percentile. That really, really, crushed me. My confidence and my pride was utterly trampled on.

Right now it's no better. It's like a turning point. I just feel so afraid when I read some english articles I literally feel my heart pounding. Mid years was really a traumatic experience. I just lost my confidence.

I have no time. This is not a question of whether you want to regain your confidence. YOU MUST REGAIN IT. You got to keep telling yourself that, hey. Your primary language is English. You have been in touch with English longer than others. You have read many books since you were a kid. You have always (almost perhaps) excelled in it (at least you are always above 60 percentile).

Take this midyears with a pinch of salt. Things will never go down like that again. You've experienced worst results of like 0.6 percentile before so this is nothing. Besides, you have way more experience than others, that's guaranteed. In no time, you definitely can pick it up again.

Failure is inevitable. But it is the courage to continue that counts.

Got to get that feeling back. I will grab that subject and tell it face to face that look, I'm your master. You shall continue to be my pride so don't ever run away. All right, let's do this right.

Keep the focus in the game

Ok so there's this adult who I trusted and told her some stuff... and she decided to call my parents and then she hinted to them she knew about those stuff and I'm fucking pissed off with her. I think this grudge won't fade fast because hello, just because you called them doesn't mean I'll do your bidding. Once this shitty exam is over, I'll call it quits. I'll bear with it till the exam is over.

Sometimes, I think I can see him as a friend. I don't really get jealous with my friend but I find relief that she is there or things will be awkward between me and him... Anyway, sometimes I tell myself I can do it. I can stop liking him because he so obviously doesn't see me in that way, and our friendship is good enough. But yesterday, I really had a good time with him and my friends and... oh god this feeling started to ignite again.

I'm going to tell myself he doesn't matter. Sure, I learn a lot from him. He's one of those few people I truly look up to. But I won't let my eyes, who only see him, take my future away from me. I won't let these feelings stop me from succeeding. In the first place, succeeding may also make him look at him haha. Right now, my utmost priority is to gear myself up for prelims. Consultations are very important. I've to stop running away and face my studies really properly. I need to do this right. I need to show everyone I'm not some shoveover.

But I place some priority on friendships because it is what drives me through college. College is really tough... Right now, I need to study hard because there is always a right time for the right thing. Right now its studying. Next is playing. Then studying. Playing can mean cycling, swimming, etc... Reading mangas destresses me but on the flip side, it distresses me WAY TOO MUCH till I get distracted and get my priorities wrong. So right now, there are two options.

1) Don't read manga
2) Read manga (only the latest chapters of the ongoing ones)

I think option 2 is really impossible for me because I end up reading from scratch. So perhaps... I need to choose option 1 even though it'll be torturing. If I choose option 1, I need another way to distress. The question is, what. Running? (nah it's not my thing even though its indeed healthy) Cycling? (I don't owe a bicycle) Swimming? (my parents don't even allow me to go swimming by myself when I have the urge and that occurs in the mid noon and they are not even at home to.. watch over me?) I need a freaking hobby... How how how?

Okay next, how should I improve mathematics and physics?

When I do papers, I see no point because to me, it's just reading the solutions since I mostly don't know how to do them. I revise and after that, maybe I can do. But without touching maths for about 1 to 2 weeks, I forget everything (I'm not even exaggerating and it frustrates me)

Consultation: My maths mentor is way better than my tutor. Good. Physics, how how how. Ask my friends (sometimes I don't get them) and ask my tutor (he's quite useless sometimes)

I don't have much options but let's face it. There are so many things in life that cannot be controlled. STUDIES IS SOMETHING I HAVE CONTROL OVER. So this is something I want to excel. I want to do well so that I can stand on the stage with my friends and I want to very proudly tell my relatives and friends that yes, I lived my college life to the fullest, academically, and friendship wise. Friendship wise, I'm doing well in that area. So right now, it's time to focus academically. I will have to give up mangas till after A level. This is my resolve, BUT SERIOUSLY HOW ELSE DO I RELAX? I'm not a fan of music.... only japanese music....

Ahhhh my huge dilemma. But I really have to give up manga if I am serious about A level. This is the truth.

Time to focus on this!!

Confusion

So I've been keeping these feelings a secret, only known to my mum and few friends. I've taken precautions to ensure only these people know about it by deleting messages, and hopefully keeping a poker face. I must say my plan only lasted up to today, which is seriously...

I had BBQ yesterday with my friends and of course, that person came over. My dad talked to him about many many things which I wasn't present so I didn't know what they were. When I asked him what they talked about, he just looked down and said, "A lot of things." I dared not ask him further more. So, last night, I spoke to my dad because I was curious. And that was the beginning of my mistake.

When my dad talked, I just smiled and said yeah I knew it. He gave me a strange look and said, "Why do you seem you know him so well?"

I KEPT QUIET.

"You keep smiling when I talked about him." And here's the part I screwed up BIG BIG TIME.

I just said "Uh, no la."

Shit, my usual response would have been "Cause we are good friends." I think that's how he started to suspect my relationship with him.

Today, he lectured me about some things I did wrong and suddenly he said, you come to my room later. I was already crying. So I'm pretty much sure he's going to scold me something really big so I got ready a big tissue box and headed to the room. He made me sit down and he seemed conflicted on how to approach the topic. I thought I was in big trouble. Maybe he was going to say I have lots of attitude problems and blah blah and I was tired of listening to those. I was bracing myself for I-don't-know-what-he-is-going-to-ask-me.

"That boy yesterday. Do you like him?"

Bam. I was like huh what did you say? Seeing my confused look, he repeated the question. "Be honest with me." And he looked at me pretty much expectantly.

And I'm like oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT. I can't lie my way out of this. He has already seen the look in my eyes and he's already expecting me to say yes or he wouldn't even be asking me this. That's how he found out and I really really really don't want him to know. I feel weird knowing that he now knows and he'll probably look at me in a different way. I mean, he uncovered the fact that his daughter likes someone and that may affect her studies and stuff if you know what I mean.

I wish I can escape this reality because in a sense, he is right. I really keep thinking about him even when studying and it's so very difficult for me to focus. I needed to resort to asking someone to study with me, sitting in front of me so that I could forget about him. A levels is in 5 months, and my exam is in 2 weeks. I'm in deep shit and I really need to pull out of this. Alright, don't forget the memories. Just put them in a safe, lock them tight, and put it away. Or perhaps, write it down so you wouldn't forget and you can reminisce again after A levels. It's time to stop this nonsense. He may not look twice at you and at the end you'll suffer more than him.

On a side note, I'm so conflicted. I wished he'll know my feelings and at the same time, I desperately don't want him to know. If we can be more than friends, of course I'll tell him. If we go back to zero, of course I'll not tell him. My confusion can kill me. I asked myself, do you want friendship over nothing, and the answer is yes. It doesn't have to be lovers if the risk of being nothing is so high.

I also do not know anything about his relationship with the girl he likes and I absolutely don't want to ask him about it. If only he would consider me at least.

I am also very annoyed with my friend who keeps approaching him. I hate the way she talks, like she is so keen to know his response and is always provoking him to answer her. I really hate it. Even though she tells me they are just friends and complains that she is always been misunderstood, I cannot trust her words. Her words are always opposite of what she does, and she has never failed to prove me right everytime. And because of that, I dislike her at times. I see her and I tell myself not to be like her, sometimes not even giving a shit to others and been so self-centered. When enough is enough, she doesn't get the hint. I'm tired of this. She doesn't know about how I feel about him but really. Enough. Spare me from this torment of seeing someone I like getting approached by a friend I can't be sure I can trust in the first place.

Mum's words of advice

I'm so glad I talked to my mother. Haha the past few days I've been so nervous because I've started to develop feelings for a friend of mine hahaha but the weird thing is that I've never felt like that for him at the beginning of the year. But now that I've witnessed more of his good qualities and his smiles, I couldn't help it. Gosh haha but this is a whole new experience for me and I feel so awkward. I feel this burning sensation of desire. I feel like I want to get closer to him and know all of him.

Anyway, so I seek advice from my mum and here is a wise old advice: "Just create opportunities and don't think about diving into a relationship. Just go out there and enjoy your time with him. If it comes, it'll come."

OK MUM. I'm just going to create opportunities with him and have fun yayyy and not think about all these nerve wrecking feelings.

No matter what, I am very glad to have met him I'm not kidding. He gives me courage for things I feel shy to do. Oh and she also said its normal for you to have strong feelings for a person even if it started later on. Just leave it for a year or so and it'll soften. So yup, anyway I'm going to enjoy myself with him ahaha and just get to know him moreeee.

She also shared with me a couple of her 'love' experience and its kinda funny hahahah I never knew some of those stories.

That goes to prove how parents are the best people you turn to when you need advice :-) Thanks mum.