Break up

So I finally gathered my courage to tell him I didn't want a relationship for certain. As how guys are, he took it hard and was quite salty about it. Guys really do have prides.

I tried to put it nicely to him and we could have ended it there, but he decisively decided to push the blame to me. He said he did warn me and that I should consider being in a relationship if I couldn't hang on longer. I should have tolerated more, he said.

At this moment, I truly thank the Gods for helping me. He just ascertained for me that I made the right choice.

I showed my guy friend and boy, he was pissed off. He typed out a long message to help me rebut and told me I should knock some sense into him.

It took me one hour to craft a message I could feel satisfied with. Firstly I apologized because I did started the whole thing, and then whacked him for some reasons he said.

Tolerance? Sorry my friend, a relationship works only when I can tolerate it, and the fact that you don't seem to respect my boundaries is a big no. You just didn't seem to be the person. In fact, when you kissed me that night, it felt wrong.

You told me physical touch is your sign of affection. Again, many guys can hold back if they're just dating for a few days. You do not simply unzip everything in a single day of getting together.

Now then, I realised he really didn't have EQ.

He replied my messages and said, "well, very business and diplomatic as usual." Haha tbh, was that an insult? That's kind of funny. It's more of a childish stab to make me feel bad.

He said he actually wasn't ready for a relationship, and started trying to rebut by saying that he would be able to accept everything about his partner, and talk it out before walking away. Once again my dear friend, I am capable of that. It is just you who feels wrong. I do not want to continue with someone who didn't feel right. I am not going to change you to become someone who feels right for me.

Anyway, my first kiss and subsequent kisses are just small sacrifices. I am just so glad this case is closed before I become too invested in this relationship.

It could have been toxic, with me being unhappy.

I'm just so thankful for my friends who all saw through him, and kept warning me to get the hell out of it. They kept telling me that I deserved so much better.

3 days of dating was short, but it could have been so much worse.

Finally, this chapter has been closed.

I've learnt that you should never bring a guy to your room alone because they really do lose control of themselves. Secondly, do not enter into a relationship so quickly when you don't know him well. Third, if you don't think he is right in your gut feeling, trust it and get the fuck out. Fourth, always love yourself. He implied that I should have stayed longer, but no I don't think I want more nonsense like that from him. I deserve someone better.

I kept deliberating because I thought, what if he was only like this for 10% of the time? Maybe he showed it to me at the wrong time? But guess what, I texted a friend who was still in the summer school. I asked how did he find the guy and he replied that the guy has changed. Apparently the guy was a snake and did everything for a motive. That made it even clearer to me and I was so thankful for my choice.

I think it is very important for a guy to handle conflicts maturely (not a childish stab btw). He apologised too often that even an apology starts to lose its meaning. I don't want a guy who doesn't have confidence in his actions. I also want a guy who has his own life. From what I could tell, he would totally forget everything and focus on the partner only, with excessive affection.

All in all, I'm glad this whole disaster of a relationship, albeit short, is over.

Pace

My emotions are a mess now. I am quite uncertain about the whole situation. Who knew my first kiss would be a French kiss?

So basically I met him during my summer school. I really thought of him as a friend at first but as I observed him more, I realised that he was kind (extremely), considerate and he knew how to take charge of the group. Little things such as reminding us what to bring before we embarked on the next destination, making sure we all boarded the train before he did, and navigating the way for us. 

He was in my morning class with another girl. Since we would try to sit next to each other, we tended to get paired up together to practise on each other. Many times he would correct my pronunciation (since he already could speak fluently), and helped me with my homework. He also responded really quickly to my messages.

I really thought of him as a friend, and probably admired him too. On that Friday night, he took me and my roommate out for dessert, with him paying the bulk of it (and it ain't cheap). It was a birthday treat from him and I thought it was sweet of him.

The next day, he asked me if I had plans in the morning. I was confused as to whether it was a date but I agreed. A while later, he messaged me that our friend, X, was coming to join us. I felt disappointed but I agreed. 

X was super late. She joined us around 4pm. That meant that I was with him from 10am onwards. We ate at a cafe and did window shopping afterwards. He would hold out his hand for me when I was trying my shoes. 

I held them.

When X came, we headed to a restaurant and cat cafe. We had to order a drink each, so he and I ordered whisky while X ordered a milder drink. Tilted me.

After it, he told X to go back alone while he took me home. We got on the bus together and feeling tired and drunk (fellow ladies, pls do not get drunk till u can't think properly), i rested my head on this shoulders. He kept telling me to sleep and he put his hand on the side of my head. I said, if I made you uncomfortable, please say so. He laughed and said no, why would he.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this point, I was so confused if he actually liked me.

He texted my roommate to fetch me back to the room. At that surreal moment, it felt right.

The next day, it was a festival. He was so close to a friend that I became angry and confused. What did the night meant to him? It felt like he was putting a fish net for fishes (aka me and this friend) and was trying to switch between us. I was so pissed at that thought and the fact that it felt like I was possibly lightbulbing them, that I told them I really wanted to eat a particular food, and I stormed off.

I ate gyoza alone in the rain, and whilst struggling with the chopsticks and the umbrella, I spilt sauce all over my arms. Frustration and possibly jealousy, welled up in me. I took out my cap and simultaneously dropped my cap when my roommate found me. She knew from my expression that I was about to cry, and I hung onto her. I whispered to her that I was so annoyed, I really wanted to leave immediately. Knowing that the group would realise something was wrong, she told me to hang in there and shared her food with me (best pal girl ever). We ate and I didn't look at him in the eye.

I bought takoyaki and while trying to eat, my hair kept falling into my food. He reached out to tuck my hair behind, which further confused me. We left quickly after that, with me buying 2 cans of strong beer to get drunk on.

He texted me, asking if I was alright. I asked, do you think I'm alright? He said, well, you look tired. I said, did I look tired to you? To summarise this whole conversation, I kind of confessed that I liked him, and I was so prepared to be rejected. Imagine my surprise when he said he did like me back but he wasn't sure. We decided to meet up the next day to talk.

I met him near my hostel and we bought cans of beer. Initially we wanted to go to a park to talk, but that night, it was cold. So we decided to just go to my room to talk (big mistake yall: never bring a guy to your room alone).

We started revealing things about each other, and expectations we want to have about each other. He asked me, "do you want me?". I was confused because I wasn't sure. I only knew him for 3 weeks plus. I avoided his question and said, well you aren't sure about me too. He replied, "It depends on you. Do you want me?"

1. He was in my room, sitting on the floor.
2. At that point, he was this guy that was kind, mature, and caring.

I told him, "You may be the guy I am looking for. Would that answer your question?" Blinking a few seconds, he stood up and looked at me in the eye.

I knew what was coming but nevertheless, I still flinched when he brought his head closer to mine. Squeezing my eyes shut, I felt his lips contact mine. What I never expected was the feel of his tongue in my mouth. I thought, wait is this a French kiss?

We pulled away, and I looked away. I said, "This is my first kiss. Is this a French kiss? I've never done it before." He leaned even closer and smirked, "well, you'll get to practise a lot". I was quite turned off, but he french-kissed me again. We kissed a total of 6 times, and he even kissed my neck and my forehead. Millions of red flags. Was this a guy who can't control himself? Was he not what I thought he was?

Hugging me, he asked if I was happy. What else could I say?

We held hands while we walked back to the station. That night, he texted me if he could call me darling. Another red flag.

I told him it was too fast and he agreed to slow down. We were official for a total of 3 days.

On the third day, we were catching up and he stated that he would like to bring me to an adult shop.

Me: With just me or with the rest?
Him: No, just you alone.
Me: Haha, why just me? And we've gone to an adult shop with the rest before.
Him: Yeah but it's different. I want to describe to you how I will use the sex toys on you.
Me: ...

I told him it wasn't funny as a joke. I had told him to slow down since that night, and we were not at the stage to tell dirty jokes. I didn't like it, and I told him that we should go back to being friends. He agreed.

Up to now, he continued to text me repeatedly everyday.

I just had a face to face conversation with one of my guy best friends, and he said, it sounded like he is desperate for sex. He disapproved of him. Majority of my closest friends said no too.

I guess that I'll cut him off. There's too many red flags even at the beginning. He isn't who I thought he was.

Would I choose to do it again? I do.

It has been a really long 1 or 2 years since that day. I decided to look back on our conversation to see if I have changed my mind on anything about my words. When I read our conversation again, it just dawned upon me. I would not change a single thing about my replies. If I were to live that day again, I would still choose those words.

Like my friend said, it's a good thing because it meant that I chose my words very carefully.

I think I've been avoiding the harsh truth: he has never thought of me as a friend. Even though we made group trips in our youth, we were never considered close. I've been to his house, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm his friend. Just an acquaintance that he was simply being too kind with.

I really was a fool. Being so blindly in love with him, maybe I started having fantasies about our relationship.

This explains why even though I took the first step to try to mend our relationship, he didn't make that effort back. If I really am someone he chooses to keep, he would definitely reciprocate.

I guess, he really is one of the many people that I'll meet once in a lifetime. Meant to cross paths once and its over.

There's nothing left for me to regret. I have ascertained that I would still have chosen that path even if I relived that day and that's enough.

To you, you have taught me leadership and influence. What it really means to think out of the box. To you, you have taught me what it meant to be so blindly in love. To really see no one else but you. To you, I have given my heart, so sure of my choice but you never gave me a chance.

I used to live those days when I would think of you every passing days. It gets better now even though I'm still struggling while you already had 2 partners since then. Maybe I saw my future with you and that made me cling to you longer than I should have.

Words are powerful.

We just weren't meant to be at the start. You were just a teacher and my needed inspirational speaker during those tiring and dark days.

I'm still glad I met you. But its time to put you out of my mind. I hope you will not be a trauma to me, a chain to my past. I will seek new lights, new fires, and new souls.

You shall forever remain as a skeleton of my past. Difficult to break through, but eventually I will.

I really did loved you. But someday, I will thank you for not making the choice to be with me.

Just an imagination

It was a quiet night, with the stars shimmering in the velvet sky. The couple was sitting on the green patch of grass. With the whisper of the wind, and the grass dancing, they slowly held each other's hand. The man tilted his head towards her, and pulled himself so close to her that she could see her reflection in his deep ocean eyes.

Such a beautiful girl, he thought.

She turned away, blushing deep red. He reached forward, pulled her chin towards him, and gave her a deep kiss that made her head spin. When they pulled apart, she was grasping for air. He brushed his fingers across her silky black hair, and pulled her closer to him again.

The couple was left in their own world.

Worries

The pain is back. I hate it when there are too many things going on that I freeze. I don't know how to start and I just feel like that the suffocating feeling is back.

And my friends in my school just can't stop talking about relationships. Okay, partially I am interested to learn from their stories, but at the same time, it felt like rubbing salt into my wounds. Today, I listened to some acquaintances describe the girls they like and boy, I just can't help but wonder if all guys are the same.

They say they want the girl to be outgoing. Um, hello? What about all the rest of the introverted girls? Are you just gonna write us off because we are quiet? Why don't you get to know us first before you make such a comment?

Many of my friends are single, but they have wonderful personalities. They may not be the most outgoing people but they have kind hearts.

It's really frustrating hearing them. And they tried to match-make me (jokingly), but uh... if the guy in question isn't even interested in me then why would I even consider him? They kept asking me if I would go for him but firstly, I don't know him well yet, and secondly, even if I will, why would I tell you guys? It will explode into a big, massive gossip and I would probably lose all chance becoming friends with him. Just no.

Why is it that in university, everybody is getting desperate? I keep getting negative vibes from everywhere about girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. If everybody keeps second-guessing each other, I'm honestly getting very tired. I just don't really want to be involved. I prefer to just hang out with friends rather than putting myself out there, like dangling a damn bait into the ocean. Even my fucking bait must be attractive?

I have already put my thoughts into my clothes and makeup. I think I'll just channel my energy into exercising to get a better bod and of course, to feel better about myself. It's really exhausting and suffocating that I "need" to find someone soon. I just don't want to have any expectations of finding one while I'm in university.

Sure, I think that studying together is kind of a really nice experience and once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. Just having someone who is willing to accompany me at night is quite enough for me. Someone who is willing to focus on just me.

Oh yes, there was a guy who saw me at a bus station and just immediately asked my friend for my number. Guys, please just come to me to ask. I honestly don't hate such forward advances (it's nice there's no second-guessing involved), but I'm just confused as to why would you be interested in me on first sight? We don't even know each other. And I'm honestly afraid of not being able to match with the guy's expectations.

To be honest, that's my real worry. Of not being enough. That I would disappoint him even if I have a good personality. It's really sad. I just wish for someone who: firstly, can accept my looks, and secondly, is willing to be my friend and get to know me better, and thirdly, willing to take it further and having to compromise after knowing what I am born with.

At the moment, I'm quite willing to just date friends for fun, to see if we can progress further. Or if not, can I please please please, have something else to channel my energy and worries into?

Universe

I personally believe that a kind gesture goes a long way. But it could be perceived wrongly as if you have an ulterior motive? But for my friend, he's already attached so he's not afraid to demonstrate kind gestures since he's really loyal. 

I read online that if you just believe that destiny will help you, you're not doing yourself a favour. Give it a helping hand and put yourself out there. 

Stop wanting to get a partner! It'll come to you. But heighten yourself to have the same consciousness as your partner so that the universe can help you. Just like proton entanglement, the pair changes to the opposite energy regardless of how far they are from each other. I kind of like this analogy/ idea.

I'll give the universe a helping hand by being more courageous, and hopefully put myself out there. I'll stop waiting for things to happen, but make actions to raise my consciousness. 

Future plans

Met up with a friend today. He's attached for like maybe 5 to 6 years? He was telling me that it is time for them to think about the future and I was kind of stunned. I'm younger than him by 3 years but marriage or having children seems so far to me. I don't have a partner yet so it doesn't feel real to me.

But to him, it is becoming a reality. They'll have to think about the future and overcome hurdles together. They're way past the honeymoon period and now they're together by choice.

I find that really admirable.

I know I shouldn't rush into things but seriously, I'm kind of getting jelly about my friends who just happened to find the right partner. Where's mine??? In the ocean???

I wished I could date in university but at this rate, it won't be a reality at all. I think I've given up all hope on getting a partner in university...