Fight against my inner demons

Help me. I'm just so lost.

I have been fighting this huge battle with my inner demons. This voice keeps telling me I won't do well for econs. "I can't do it" "I'm scared"

I know that it's been a month and I expected myself to get over this trauma. But her last words to me was it is going to get harder.

I'm so frightened and insecured. When I'm alone in my quiet world where no one can bring me out of it, the demons keep me company.

It's not like I'm not trying. I'm trying very hard to shut this voice up. But it keeps coming to me and when it does, I feel like I lost everything. I feel so lost and frightened.

Someone please help me.

The only time I can forget my demons is when I'm with my crush. But it won't be long. It's so hard. How do people overcome this demon? I really don't know.

I know I already have a strong foundation for the past 1.5 years. But what troubled me is that I've never gotten to 90 percentile. Maybe once. But that was by luck. And The Exam is much harder than this.

I just need someone to encourage me. To say that I'm good even without that tutor. I've done well so far. I need to tell myself that. But even though it works sometimes, it is more impactful if a friend/someone who knows me well enough, can say that. My 'best' friend can't give me the words I need to hear most. Even when I told her my whole situation, she just cursed that tutor. And after that, she changed topic. She cannot see what a serious issue it is for me. I cannot really count on her to give me encouragement. She never really tried to sympathize with me.

I have to win this war with this demons. Once I do that, I'm very confident I can score econs. But winning this demon is what wears me out and I don't know what is the outcome of this battle.

I cannot give up. It's not a whether, but I MUST win this war against this voice in me. Girl, do you remember the sensation you felt when doing the papers? Yes. Remember it. Forget about the incident. Once you can keep holding onto the confident sensation, it's your win.

Be confident. You don't need her. What you need to do now is to be confident. This is key in defeating the demons within you. You can do it. You did well before, there's no reason you can't do it again. Fighting!

Anger

I can't look at my subject without thinking back on the incident. I'm just so full of hatred and anger I never knew I was capable of feeling.

And it is even made worse when I even helped her numerous times and she couldn't even look over this incident? I told her the truth yet she won't tell me her truth. Fuck you K.

You even told my friend not to help me? Who do you think you are, bitch? This is between you and me. Why did u drag her into it? And you, my friend. I helped you save your grades by asking her to help you. I linked the two of you. I'm so sick of you. I really shouldn't have helped you if this was going to be the outcome. You really made me regret my decision to help you from the depths of darkness. But to be honest, I helped you because I myself was in the same pit of darkness and I know how it felt. So yes it was my own decision, driven by K's desire for more students too.

That's the truth.

The next thing that made me tremble with so much anger is that you messaged my parent and said "I wish her all the best." Fuck you bitch. Is it so hard for you to message me directly? "Her"? You fucking bitch. The more I think about it, the more pain and anger I feel.

You've succeeded in destroying me one month before The exam. I'm so affected by your fucking attitude to hurt me and my family. You really hurt us. If I were to message you this, I know you would delete before even bothering to look at it. But I'm so tempted to put forward all my feelings and make u regret.

You've lost a friend because you chose it. Our memories together were very trivial to you apparently.

Sometimes I think back and wished I've never met you at all. Maybe we, yes you and me, would have been spared from this incident.

And to my ungrateful friend, I am still 50-50 regretting that I helped you. I can sense you knew what happened yet you have the nerve to tell me "aiya you message her yourself la! Why ask me? (Insert laughing face)" you hurt me again. "I can't lie" ah really?

I've put myself in your shoes several times. If I were you, and my friend who had helped save me were to ask me a favor, I would do it. Just once. If it is constant asking, I wouldn't do it.

It is my first time I asked you a favor and you wouldn't even return the debt.

The world really isn't nice. People you helped can still turn their backs on you.

Econs, I'll do my best for you. You are still my friend even if K is a bitch and that girl is a bitch. Econs, I'll do my best to never let you down. I just really need a chance to let go. Fighting.

Discipline

This is crazy. I must be crazy. It's only a few more days left to The exam and I am starting to have a crush on my primary school friend.

I'm crazy.

Today I felt happy but truth to be told.. it wasn't that productive. Maybe if I have questions to ask then I will study with him. His explanations are godly.

Anyway girl, this isn't the time to be thinking about such thing. I really felt sad that this acquaintance decided to u - turn. She decided she wasn't ready and I just feel so helpless. I thought she was on par with me? What happened?

And I question myself. Am I ready?

The answer is no.

What in the blazes am I doing? Nothing should stop me from doing what I must do. THERE IS NO TIME. I MUST DO WHAT IS IMPORTANT. My priority are all wrong. Guys should not stop me from getting what I want. I want to get into a course I can have fun, like drawing.

I must have the determination to turn away from everything. It can all wait till after The exam. But to be honest, I'm afraid that this friendship will slip away since it's very recently forged and I treasure him already.

GIRL. Do you want to end up regretting your results? As HY said, if you are fearful, you will be unable to give your best shot. If you give your best shot, what is there to fear?

I do know what went wrong. Now I need all the discipline I can master to study. To study and polish my knowledge and practise. It's time for crazy practise. I can do it. Maybe it won't be so well, but shoot for the Sun and you'll land among the stars even if you didn't reach the Sun. So my goal remains: all A. I'll strive my hardest during the next few days. Give my all. Fighting!

Adult with zero EQ

Please be mindful that this post will be full of anger and sadness. Avoid this post if you can haha its a way for me to express myself so that I can stop thinking about this.

So I mentioned about a trusted adult in the previous post. Two days ago, she messaged my dad "I am unable to teach your child with immediate effect due to health reasons". No apology. HA HA HA. HEALTH REASONS? BULLSHIT.

The more I recall about her complaints to me about her other students, the more angry I become. I was always the student who became a listening ear for her when she had things to say about her students. I have no idea if other students also had to go through like what I did but I really hear stories from her. Not once has she ever stopped teaching someone because of health reasons. Why, she even boasted that she exercised once per week and wanted to race with me after The exam. Not only that, she has told me that a student of hers did not submit homework on time and had lessons every 2 weeks. She is still teaching him??? I have one lesson per week. And I submit homework on time. And I was very nice.  

"Oh you have a nice smile. It's nice to teach you." "I'll bring you out to buy clothes after The exam." "You want a green pen instead of chicken wing as a reward? Thanks!"

This was all a lie. 

First thing I'm extremely hurt about. She did not BOTHER to message me and I had to find out indirectly from my father. Second thing, we were her client for 2 years. My older sibling was a client of hers too. I even introduced my friend to her because she wanted more students? Are you telling me that your pathetic quarrel with my father made you that upset to forget everything? You are a bitch. I can't believe a 34 years old woman would do this. ONE MONTH to The exam. 4 more lessons? My family had no idea you were such a picky person and an immature person who wants to get back at people.

天有眼。

You will receive karma. My family had done you no injustice. In fact we used to be the best client you ever had. Maybe it was my fault I had to reschedule several times but excuse me, you've been teaching for more than 4 years. Are you telling me this is the first time you had a student who changes lessons every time? And I wasn't like that for the past 1.5 years. Only at the later part of the year, so many events came up. 

You. I think you made the wrong decision. We could have remained as friends. Are you telling me the cost outweight those days we had together complaining and laughing and learning? You have sorely misjudged. Why were you even specializing in a subject that required judgment when you are so sorely lacking in it?

Whatever you did was a lie. "I'm committed to teaching your child." Lies. To that tutor, I thank you for being the first person in my life to show me that the world is cruel. You have hurt me and I hope that your students will one day find out what kind of person you actually are. 

You are such a disappointment. To me. To my sibling who trusted you too. To my family who had respected you. 

On an another note, it's good it happened. I'll learn from this incident. I've much to learn from. Certainly I'll get hurt but I'll grow.

Exhaustion

I'm so weary. Am I improving? Or am I falling again? Why is it that everytime I feel that things are going right that everything has to go wrong?

I'm tired and my heart feels heavy. I just want to let everything go... sometimes I feel that I'm catching up, but something has to pull me back. It's always like this and I'm just so sick. Dear god I desperately need much much determination and strength to get through this tiring time. I beg you, just let me have hope. All I need now is hope that things can get better for the major examination that will determine my future in just one month time. Please.

Instead of saying that "I suck", it is better to say that "there's always someone better than me".

I want to make this journey fulfilling and I want it to have a happy ending. I pray for a happy ending.

Courage to face the fear

I don't want to fall back again.

I'm feeling disappointed in myself. I could do well in this subject in the past 1.2 years and suddenly, its like... something in me got too complacent despite myself telling myself  repeatedly to never feel that way. I failed terribly for mid years for this subject, with my standing in this subject changing so drastically from perhaps like, top 25 percentile to the bottom 5 percentile. That really, really, crushed me. My confidence and my pride was utterly trampled on.

Right now it's no better. It's like a turning point. I just feel so afraid when I read some english articles I literally feel my heart pounding. Mid years was really a traumatic experience. I just lost my confidence.

I have no time. This is not a question of whether you want to regain your confidence. YOU MUST REGAIN IT. You got to keep telling yourself that, hey. Your primary language is English. You have been in touch with English longer than others. You have read many books since you were a kid. You have always (almost perhaps) excelled in it (at least you are always above 60 percentile).

Take this midyears with a pinch of salt. Things will never go down like that again. You've experienced worst results of like 0.6 percentile before so this is nothing. Besides, you have way more experience than others, that's guaranteed. In no time, you definitely can pick it up again.

Failure is inevitable. But it is the courage to continue that counts.

Got to get that feeling back. I will grab that subject and tell it face to face that look, I'm your master. You shall continue to be my pride so don't ever run away. All right, let's do this right.

Keep the focus in the game

Ok so there's this adult who I trusted and told her some stuff... and she decided to call my parents and then she hinted to them she knew about those stuff and I'm fucking pissed off with her. I think this grudge won't fade fast because hello, just because you called them doesn't mean I'll do your bidding. Once this shitty exam is over, I'll call it quits. I'll bear with it till the exam is over.

Sometimes, I think I can see him as a friend. I don't really get jealous with my friend but I find relief that she is there or things will be awkward between me and him... Anyway, sometimes I tell myself I can do it. I can stop liking him because he so obviously doesn't see me in that way, and our friendship is good enough. But yesterday, I really had a good time with him and my friends and... oh god this feeling started to ignite again.

I'm going to tell myself he doesn't matter. Sure, I learn a lot from him. He's one of those few people I truly look up to. But I won't let my eyes, who only see him, take my future away from me. I won't let these feelings stop me from succeeding. In the first place, succeeding may also make him look at him haha. Right now, my utmost priority is to gear myself up for prelims. Consultations are very important. I've to stop running away and face my studies really properly. I need to do this right. I need to show everyone I'm not some shoveover.

But I place some priority on friendships because it is what drives me through college. College is really tough... Right now, I need to study hard because there is always a right time for the right thing. Right now its studying. Next is playing. Then studying. Playing can mean cycling, swimming, etc... Reading mangas destresses me but on the flip side, it distresses me WAY TOO MUCH till I get distracted and get my priorities wrong. So right now, there are two options.

1) Don't read manga
2) Read manga (only the latest chapters of the ongoing ones)

I think option 2 is really impossible for me because I end up reading from scratch. So perhaps... I need to choose option 1 even though it'll be torturing. If I choose option 1, I need another way to distress. The question is, what. Running? (nah it's not my thing even though its indeed healthy) Cycling? (I don't owe a bicycle) Swimming? (my parents don't even allow me to go swimming by myself when I have the urge and that occurs in the mid noon and they are not even at home to.. watch over me?) I need a freaking hobby... How how how?

Okay next, how should I improve mathematics and physics?

When I do papers, I see no point because to me, it's just reading the solutions since I mostly don't know how to do them. I revise and after that, maybe I can do. But without touching maths for about 1 to 2 weeks, I forget everything (I'm not even exaggerating and it frustrates me)

Consultation: My maths mentor is way better than my tutor. Good. Physics, how how how. Ask my friends (sometimes I don't get them) and ask my tutor (he's quite useless sometimes)

I don't have much options but let's face it. There are so many things in life that cannot be controlled. STUDIES IS SOMETHING I HAVE CONTROL OVER. So this is something I want to excel. I want to do well so that I can stand on the stage with my friends and I want to very proudly tell my relatives and friends that yes, I lived my college life to the fullest, academically, and friendship wise. Friendship wise, I'm doing well in that area. So right now, it's time to focus academically. I will have to give up mangas till after A level. This is my resolve, BUT SERIOUSLY HOW ELSE DO I RELAX? I'm not a fan of music.... only japanese music....

Ahhhh my huge dilemma. But I really have to give up manga if I am serious about A level. This is the truth.

Time to focus on this!!