Lonely

I feel rather down lately. Seems like I have bad mood swings but I have to know the right way to cope with my mood. I feel like I just want to travel overseas and just run away from all my commitments. Honestly I don't have much commitments but the pressure, more like social pressure, is hard for me. I made many friends last year but it seems like this semester, most of them are overseas for exchanges/ doing internships so I'm pretty much lonely. But my seniors are really nice but it's still hard for me to open up to them. I kind of really miss the people around me last year.

I also don't intend to take ___ seriously. I mean it's fun and all, but I don't mean to do it for real. I also feel frightened. I don't feel belonged to any group or any categories. Just really out-of-place. I don't know how to get close to any of the seniors without sending the wrong signals. I think they're really incredible and I really respect their passion and they're really really good at it. Which also means they won't want to get close to people like me, who doesn't want to take it seriously.

I wished I have the chance to learn a life skill but I missed that opportunity..... But there's a lot of opportunities which would be different but all I can do now is to wait. Feels like I'm at the beginning of this really long path and I don't know what to do. Taking responsibilities is really a pain in the ass. I like things to be done properly, and to the best of my abilities. I feel damn guilty for not taking it seriously but I also feel lazy.

My friends who used to live with me are no longer here. Pretty hard when all I want to do is to talk. It's difficult to have no one to study outside with. I think my symptoms show that I'm really lonely hahaha dear me....

#5 lessons from mentor

1. There are leadership styles for different scenarios (when there is a crisis, you have no time to explain. When there is a need to fine-tune ideas, you can explain your decisions to others and see their comments)

2. Others can also learn from your decision making and see the whole picture

3. Engagement can only take place when the other party is reactive.

4. How to separate working and personal matters? When u r angry, focus on the topic and not the personality. It would hurt the other person. When you have a difficult conversation, write down to think objectively so that your emotions wouldn't overcome you

Thoughts of the Day

Approach to face problems without harboring fear or worry:

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
But be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, 
But for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
But hope for the patience to win my freedom.
~Dr. Rabindranath Tagore

Adopt a positive frame of mind instead of dwelling in unhappiness. Our sorrows are caused by our own actions and our ignorance. Hence, we need to develop courage and understanding and work towards our happiness.


To face our troubles with courage and without resentment towards others:

Have faith in you
If you keep your head, while all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; 
If you can trust yourself when others doubt you,
But make allowances for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about and not deal in lies,
Or being hated and not give way to hating,
Nor yet look too good, nor talk too wise; 

If you can dream and not make dreams your Master,
If you can think and not make thought your aim; 
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it in one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose and start again at the beginning,
And not breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or see the things you give your life to, broken
And stop to build them up again with worn-out tools;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinews 
To serve their turn long after they are done,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will which says to them, "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, 
Or walk with Kings and not lose the common touch;
If neither foes or loving friends can hurt you
And all men count with you, but none too mcuh;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
And, what is more, you'll be a man, My Son!

Bros

Today I managed to skype my friend from overseas. He's a really trustworthy friend of mine since we met around 2 or 3 years ago.

I was quite down the whole day and just wanted to be alone. Got the opportunity in the evening where I just wandered in the world of silence.

Then I met a surveyor who wanted me to do some questions regarding phone usage. Then one of the questions was about my martial status. When I put single, she said "No bf??? Why???" She sounded shocked. Not sure if it's because I give the impression that I have or because people my age ought to have a partner. When I smiled coyly, she said "because you don't want is it??? Ah nvm the right one will come."

This makes me think, can I ever find someone who will like me back? That possibility seems so far off.

Anyway, back to the Skype. So glad to talk to him. He's smart and reliable, and he speaks the truth. Within an hour, we covered many topics and were almost out of topics. But it's alright, I'm just glad to see his face and see that he's doing well.

Makes me flashback to when he called me out to have htht and I'm just honored he considers me as one of his closer friends. And I really smiled a lot when he laughed at my stories. It feels good to make someone laugh.

And then I remembered that my other good friend also made me laugh and I'm just thankful for having good bros.

There are girls who never really gotten close to guys as friends. And let me tell you, it's worth it. They are amazing as bros, even better than girl friends.

Musings

Sometimes I don't know what I am feeling; sadness/ broken/ pain? I don't even know the cause. So susceptible to irritability and a tinge of envy for others who can hold so much on their plate, yet can become the best company of others. 

I wonder, I never had things go my way. I cannot even remember the last time I tasted success or make any major decision myself and never regretted it. Others are always persuading me, to think the way they want me to think. Morphing me, thinking they know best. This makes me think I can't make any decision without them. Its so tough.

Hard work does not necessarily reap results. Luck and talent play a huge part, and guess what, luck has never been a forte for me. 

Was my path forcefully paved ever since I was born? For example, hearing sounds when I shouldn't?

When I am angry, I tell myself to write anger in the wind, the perfect medium as told by the Buddha. Let it pass by unnoticed.

Now trying to understand the "better" way of living as told by religion texts or philosophical books. 

I may gradually shy away from social media so I do not feel such negative emotions in me. But without it, we feel lost in the happenings.

Also, I find myself liking people who should not be liked. For example, a gay? Or a attached guy who is 10 years older? I view myself as someone who cannot make my loved one happy, whether through interactions or my looks. 

I struggle a lot inside, and I feel insecure.

Sometimes it could be my horoscope that rings true to my soul.

#4 lessons from mentor

1. What is the purpose of the meeting?
2. Adding more things make the system more complex and it's for the worse when the system is half cooked
3. Ask why did she think in this way?
4. From the shadow, observe the leader and how she handles the conflicts and members.
5. Aim to be amiable and motherly
6. They will be very willing to part skill sets.
7. Finish your core assignments before you head over and help
8. Enjoy your assignments and most importantly, observe
9. See how they evaluate and prioritise accordingly. If both goals cannot be met ie internally and customers, the customers take more priority
10. Don't be afraid to ask. You might see it from the customer perspective and since you were from outside, maybe you'll see things that they failed to see.
11. How to strike a balance between what the members want from the system
12. Become a better project manager

#3 lessons learnt from Mentor

1. Be open
2. Be direct and structured ie write down the structure first then clarify with supervisor ie these are the areas I'm not too sure about
3. Can let supervisor know your strengths and weakness
4. Always have the right attitude
5. Don't be too emotional
6. Can get stressed but once you cross that bridge you'll learn a lot
7. Really good opportunity to learn under a very experienced supervisor
8. May work until very late
9. Try to look at the upsides instead of the downsides
10. Not many interns have an opportunity to work on a new project so it's very exciting
11. Believes that there are always two sides to the story so be objective and list down the happenings. Sit back then think about the possible situations so you'll have a different reaction next time. Trains you to manage and analyse better in the future
12. Don't be fearful and hold back. Won't learn a lot
13. Even if you get abused, at most just once or twice. Learn from it.