Fear

 I had a talk w my partner and now I'm just so lost. He opened up to me about his family matters and he was not confident that his family would not interfere. 

I don't know how to process my feelings. I'm just so upset; I like him, but at the same time we face so much issues - diff upbringing, different expectations, etc.

Our values are similar, but all these... and then his family. At the same time, how am I going to find a partner like him again? Someone who was so willing to put in effort, treating me so amazingly... 

It may be an amicable breakup, but I don't want to lose him, and neither did he. We're just both at loss at what is the next step. We decided to think about it and talk again in a month, but I'm so scared to invest myself now. 

Now I just feel like time is so short, I just want to see him more before time is up. We're both mature in our thinking, so I think we intuitively know it may not work out. But I want to prolong this, because I keep holding to this tiny silver ray of hope that things will change. 

I'm so terribly upset, I'm just at loss for words. I don't have a solution, we both know it. What should I do? How do I handle this? How do I move on? Not having someone to talk to everyday; to hear me out... I never knew its so devastating. 

I saw this quote on ig: "And if, in some distance in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love." - La La Land

I don't have it in me to imagine him with another person; but at the same time he needs someone who can accept all of him. I don't know if I'm that person. It's so difficult, this sadness; grief; fear; uncertainty. I'm really scared of losing him now. I feel like I need to see him again, to feel that everything is alright.

It's okay that I'm not okay; but yeah, it's so hard to date nowadays. Finding new people; building up from scratch. I'm just comfortable with him.

There are several times that he isn't appropriate, but who knows if the next guy is worse? Anyway, he says he knows he's being selfish, but he doesn't want it to end. 

And that look in his eye; the sadness. I never saw him with that look until today when he talked about it. I couldn't give him the assurance, but that I'd need to think about it. But I said thank you for being honest about this. 

Pain is real.

Family boundary

 I dont understand why my dad keeps asking me to share problems about me and my partner... like I tried telling him that I didn't want to discuss it now; now isn't the appropriate time to talk about it; I didnt want to have his impression of my partner turn bad... 

But I caved in because he got mad. I feel like this is rly something I don't want to do to my future kids. Family boundary is a thing. If someone in the family doesn't want to talk about it, and they're usually very reasonable, they know what they're talking about, can you for once, stop relating everything to trust issues? 

It's not about trust, I'm setting the boundary that this is something between me and my partner. I promised that problems between us would not be discussed with my family. I feel really shit about this, and I'm half mad at my dad. I know he wants to protect me, and I know what I'm doing. He keeps saying I don't know! 

So infuriated. I think I rly have to tell him that boundary is a thing. I want him to RESPECT it when I don't want to share something. You know me; if I think its something to be shared, I will. Right now this isn't a thing... I don't know why I decided to share something that affects me, but thank goodness I made it a small thing i.e. the vulgarities. Thank god I didn't say about it being used against his family.

But I do agree that it is something unacceptable, the more I think about it. If he is educated, he should be able to tell that this vulgarity should not be used against parents. He can use it with his friends for all I care, that's fine. But with me, and his parents, it's a low class way of talking and very disrespectful. 

I only brought up 3 issues and I tried to make them tiny. But honestly my dad was surprised about the vulgarity part, which made me regret telling him since it would change his perception of my partner.

I'm worried he will tell my mother, and she will be even more concerned. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with this. I still like my partner, and I want to do him justice.

But at the same time, I'm afraid of making a mistake. Maybe I don't see things right. That's when parents experiences come in. Okay this is the last time I will share problems with my dad. He is concerned I know, but when I think it's something that requires his perspective then I will ask. Otherwise, he should trust that I know how to handle. This is really showing me that he doesn't think I know what to look out in a relationship. Pls, when you were my age; did ah ma butt into everything? No right.

Again; I will emphasise a lot about family boundary. Some things you have to push kids especially when they're young. Otherwise, if you trust them and they have a reason to not say things, please please please respect their choices. 

Doing this is showing that boundaries are not meant to be respected. But that's very wrong. Even in a family, boundary has to be set healthily to prevent any invasion of privacy. 

I feel guilty, but again, I shared a miniscule of what I've been through. It's tough, but I'm mature and I know what to see. I'm sorry to my partner; I'll try my best to protect you from now on because regardless of everything, you're part of me, and I love you like how I love my family. 

Psycho bitch

I am in a turmoil. I feel like I have to ask him to choose between me or his friendship with the girl. We talked about our communication problems two days ago, and it was a thought provoking conversation.

Anyway, so this morning I happened to look at Facebook, and I came across the "friends suggestion", and the girl's FB was there. "Fine," I thought, as I clicked it open. I saw a series of photos, and status updates she had with him, some were even recent. Then I realised, oh perhaps because he was the "mutual friend" we had, so that's why FB was showing me these. Then I looked to the left of the screen and I saw multiple photos he had with her. I was particularly drawn to one, and I recalled that hey, I think I've seen this before.

I whipped out my phone, and went straight to her IG account. I had seen this subtly in one of her photos she posted in February this year. She was posing in front of a photo displayer in her bedroom, with multiple photos pinned. I immediately spotted the photo, although his face was slightly obscured. It was the exact photo on FB, meaning she had printed them to pin it up. I was in shock, and sick to the stomach. How much more clingy can she get? How much more obsessed can she be? 

She already knew he had a partner, and yet still posted this (although obscured). I'm just so sick of her. I see that she was just someone who doesn't know how to draw a line. 

1. She gave gifts to him excessively: a shirt, a bag and even a long crunched up handwritten letter. My boyfriend had let me read it, and it said along the line how she thought they had met at the wrong time, how she wished they could go back to the past. I had asked him if he thought the same way about it being the wrong time, and he said no, he had not thought of it like that.

2. In Oct, I was out with him and I coincidentally saw a message pinged to him. She asked if they could hang out on her birthday; go gai gai, eat at a cafe, and so on. I mean if you're close friends, like legit friends, that's fine. But no girl, please remember you two are not normal friends. You were fwb, without the PiV. How would your friend's partner feel? You are either a psycho to try to break the relationship or just damn dumb. My boyfriend still asked me if he could hang out with her for 2 hours, but ya, I'm so sick of this.

3. I recently heard from my friend (who knew about this) that our mutual friend told him that the girl told this guy that my boyfriend used to be interested in her. I have repeatedly confirmed with him and he said he was never interested in her. She even indirectly confessed to him, and he rejected her in year one. Fucking psycho bitch to spread that kind of rumours. Not sure what's she doing, but I think to do so, is damn sad because she is just seeking attention, validation and pity from others.

4. My boyfriend casually mentioned to his group that his part-time job company is hiring and she asked him to refer her to the boss, because she is looking for a job. Okay excuse me, firstly, the company isn't very good. Secondly, c'mon you have more balls than this right? Go and find other companies for a job. Again, so damn disrespectful of my relationship with him.

5. The photo is the last straw. I remember that they stopped things in Dec 2019 (my boyfriend was very clear on that). But the strange thing is that he never told me they met again in Jan 2020, one month after that? I feel very distrustful of him, because he left out details like that. I thought he told her that she should not contact him for at least 3 months until she is truly over him, so why Jan 2020?

6. Other photos of her and my boyfriend in the past still remained on IG. There was even a photo of her being carried back by him back then. Still left there, for all to see.

I feel that she is a completely psycho or cunning person, who is just hounding on us breaking up so that she can try to make another move again. She is just there, waiting. And just so blatantly disrespectful towards your "close" friend's relationship. If someone I know does that, I wouldn't want to be his/her friend because it's just so bad. 

I also don't think I can keep giving leeway to her and my boyfriend, so I guess we'll have to put an end to it by end of April or early May. This simply can't go on, because it's disrespectful to me and harming the relationship in the long run. If he chooses her, then so be it. If he chooses me and still feel resentful about having to make the choice, then it just simply means that we don't see eye to eye about it. This is about respect and appropriateness. It is a huge red flag if he calls me insecure or jealous without ending his friendship because he doesn't consider my feelings. 

People always say that old friends always come before new significant others, but there's always an exception to the rule. This is an exception.

Also, I've been thinking, this fwb is about self gratification. Now the question about this sort of behavior is the way he treats sex. Is it just merely a physical urge and not something that is fundamental to a relationship? He may have changed, but I have to question about this.

But on another note, I also cannot dictate but merely request him. Has he done anything that warrants my distrust with him? I think it's the small things of finding out that makes me feel like huh, why did he not tell me? Is he really being truthful? I guess...

R/S talks

 Writing always helps me to clear my thoughts or affirms my goals. It was vday and when the date went well, it didn't exactly end on a high note. I suggested a place which was supposed to be just 16 mins travelling time by bus, but my bf was a little cocky about his sense of direction and kept talking to me without checking his phone. That resulted in us walking more than we had to, thrice, before we found the bus stop. After getting off the bus, it was supposed to be a 2 min walk and we got lost for another time (we crossed the road when we didn't have to). I finally suggested to him to take out his phone and keep the maps app open because I was tired, and hangry. 

I was a little pissed off and upset as I had already told him that we had to find a place earlier to book and eat for dinner, but he had repeatedly told me that we could find a place nearby. And he was cocky that he couldn't keep his app open, and still mocked me for not being good at directions. At least I keep my app open and asked for help when I'm not sure? 

Anyway I was rly hungry and finished the food faster than him, and we ordered beer and another drink. The bitterness of the beer had me wanting more, as it kind of soothes my mood (upset and angry). I kept reminding myself not to lose my temper, as I didn't want to ruin the day. I asked him if we could get a drink even though he told me he had to go home earlier for class the next day, and I think he got my hint. I was dazed out for the rest of the journey to a mall, partly because I'm slightly intoxicated and still upset. He kept quiet throughout, checking on me and squeezed me. He navigated me to the supermarket and suggested soju. 

So we got a bottle to share. 12% alcohol. We quickly walked to my house, and sat at the usual spot. The lights were turned off coincidentally but there were people there. I drank, and I told him that it was slightly too sweet. He let me drink for a bit, before he took the bottle away, asking me to kiss him before I continued. I just pecked him a little and continued to drink. He controlled my drinking, and told me I had enough as I drank too much. 

My bitterness wasn't exactly melted away, but I felt slightly better. He asked if he could make out with me, and I said no. Thankfully, he did not push further (though he asked why, and I said I wasn't in the mood). He asked if he could touch me, but I said not now. Then he asked if we could talk, and I said "talk about what?". 

"Our relationship," he said. I was a little stunned that he plunged into a heavy topic, especially since he was already horny. He asked what I envisioned it to be, and I couldn't really understand why he asked that. He asked if it ever came across my mind about marriage. I said that every relationship has its ups and downs, but he said I wasn't really answering his questions. He wasn't in this for fun; he was at the age where he wanted to settle down. I agreed about that, that I wasn't in it for fun too. It was a serious thing for both of us; but I can't help but be worried about my flaws, whether I'll be good enough, whether I really knew what I wanted. It was and is still a scary thing, taking a plunge when you don't know how it'll end up in the future.

I asked what he envisioned it to be, and he thought we should be discussing about marriage and settling down in 2 years time. I think I told him before that 2 years are too short; I preferred 3 years but sure we can talk about it then. To me, 2 years is a make or break point for many couples. Many do not make it past 2 years. 

The reason he asked me was because we were kind of preparing to do it. He said that by doing it, it would be taking our commitment for each other to another level. He wanted to be certain that I was on the same page as him in terms of commitment. He was afraid that it would snowball on the future and asked if I had any doubts about this relationship. I said it is fine for now, but I told him we still have to iron out some issues (one of which, is communication). We had a few miscoms and misunderstandings over text. I said that I sometimes put the conflicts away because we only meet once a week; and he said well we could meet more often. I said that was besides the point; I just didn't want to ruin our meeting of talking about the conflict during our once-a-week meeting. Now that I think about it, we should always have a timing avenue allocated during our dates to talk about any conflicts we may have. *note taken*

We talked about our different love languages, how he is trying to be an acts of services guy for me. I said as long as he is putting in the effort, it would be great. But I tried bringing up that I wanted initiative, and brought up about a conflict we had. I said I wished that he had done this and that, and he started getting defensive about whatever he had done. I said it is not about doing a big thing, but consistent efforts. He listed down several things and started saying how I wasn't appreciative. I got slightly mad, and said why is he always saying I'm not appreciative. I've always thanked him for it, and he said he knows. But he doesn't like to say what he has done. Oh I should have brought up the point about gifts, shoot. Perhaps I'll talk about it later.

Anyway, I feel like I want to commit to him. Maybe I'm slightly superstitious, but we started talking on the very same week my grandma passed on. We also saw a rainbow on the day we got together, and another two raimbows on two separate occasions that we were together for. I had asked my grandma to show me guidance if he was the one, to give me a sign. A rainbow can't be a negative sign, you see. I told him that someone is looking out for me, and I broke down because I was overwhelmed by the feeling of gratefulness, and how lucky I felt to have found someone. He wiped my tears, and said gently "don't cry". I joked that I have grown older; I used to be a happy drunk but lately I've been a sad drunk. He asked me to continue, and after pausing, I simply said that I wish for us to work out well. 

I feel like I may not know him well enough: his deep thoughts and that scares me sometimes. I don't think I know what he likes or hates, but I'll find out eventually. I asked if he has any problems with me so far; and he said I already knew it. The texting vs ftf problem. And he said that I have a problem of worrying that what happened to other people would happen to us. He said why am I bringing other people's stories into our story. If it happened to them, we have to learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen to us, which I agreed.

I brought up how travelling is important to me, which is about making memories. I said that I'm willing to wait while he paid off his 17k loan. He was going to borrow 15k from his friend, and pay off slowly. I said what about interest rates, and he said he would find out after he graduate. Goodness, that drives me crazy sometimes. Its better to know what you're in for, and not say you'll find out later.

Anyway I asked what he wanted from me. Was he looking for a partner to accompany him, or looking for a partner to push him to be better? He said he wanted reassurance from me. I just had to be there for him when he was feeling low, which I told him he had to tell me then. He said that my presence is all that matters, sigh, another point that I hoped he would make that effort. He said that I needed to be more positive, that all is well. The more pessimistic I get, the more difficult it will be. I think I need to start focusing on self love, on being emotionally independent too. (Point taken)

I'm still uncertain about what I want, but so far I've not encountered any red flags, except the travelling part. I really believe that it is important for us to move in together for a while, to be very certain of what we're in for. If we cannot stand it, we really shouldn't even marry. 

I think I've to bring up that yes, even though I'm in this for real, I believe that while time is a factor, if we are ever unhappy and the best thing is to break up, then we have to do it. Especially if our goals in life would become very different.

For me, I'm looking for a partner who can make me laugh (uhhh I'm difficult), someone who can cheer me up with small gifts, someone who is patient with me, and accepts me. 

I think its a little scary that he really is considering me as wife material already. I felt like we are still in the honeymoon phrase (which he scoffed and said we are not) but I am definitely more patient and considerate than I usually am. There's also the problem of the housing bidding, which is a problem for both of us since we believe in different things. I'm not sure if this can be a breaking point too.

Anyway, I wonder if he would really get my tantrums and my patience limit haha, I still think 2 years is too short to be really myself, tantrums and fights and all). But I told him that I'm ready to take on a new experience with him and he said that he appreciated that.

We kissed a few times, with him lifting my chin and turning his head a few times. It felt normal, but I liked his smell. 

I liked how he interacts with people with confidence (although shy with strangers), how he is working hard, and how loving he gets.

My parents said that sometimes he treated me like a kid, and I have to show him that I'm mature enough. Good point, sometimes he is like that but I thought it was because he wanted to take care of me well.

Anyway, am I truly prepared to take it a step further? Wow, I hadn't really thought that it was another level of commitment as what he had mentioned. I thought that it was more of an experiment, a new experience together. Thankfully he mentioned this to me or I would not be on the same page. But I feel that he is a good man, 7-8 points; sometimes he really takes what I said into consideration. He is childish, but he can be very loving.

Bringing him home

 My bf finally came over to my place. It has been something we've been planning for a long time (a month?) and I've been rly nervous for him and my fam. Ofc I hoped he would make a good impression on them, but I also felt judged by my fam whether I made the right choice of choosing him (or rather to proceed with the relationship). I rmbr my father saying like he rly wanted to meet the guy who captured his high standard daughter (ehem he didn't know about the japan guy). So ya, I felt pressured that my dad realises that I can make the "right" decisions. But on hindsight, I shouldn't feel that way because there is no right decision at this current juncture. I'm with him because it felt right for now. What may change in the future is something we can't predict but I'd definitely work hard for us. 

Anyway they had a pretty good impression of him I think? My mum and sibling gave him 8/10 which is seriously a high score. I asked my mom and she said she had the feeling that my bf rly pampers me a lot, while my bro said he felt that my bf is v down to earth, there's substance in what he says, and he wasn't an idiot HAHAHA.

My dad didn't want to give a rating but he said he is okay. I won't ask my dad further cus it may cause some biases in my perception of him. Anyway I was really glad to see that my choice to be with him is good, since he really sounded very knowledgeable. I was honestly quite impressed with how he probed and answered their questions. He knew a few things of my sibling's interest about the computer and photography, which probably also impressed my sib. For me, I got to see a different side of him, the mature and aware side of him.

When my dad left my room, my bf whispered to me about how he is doing and I said pretty good. He kind of puckered his lips and I gave him a quick peck on his lips and he smiled. What a cutie.

Otw back, he asked me how he did and I said I would give him 10/10, and that I believed he made a very good impression (which is true). My dad told him he is an intelligent guy, which he was quite surprised and he personally told me it must have been out of politeness. 

I asked my dad about it and he said he doesn't just say if a person is intelligent. He felt that his general knowledge is pretty good and he rly worked hard to get to where he is now. I could tell my dad was also seeking my approval if he did well in not making my bf awkward (yes he did, but he talked way too much until I felt super tired too). 

Anyway I had a hard time eating dinner because I wasn't sure about what I portrayed myself as: a daughter or a girlfriend. That was a struggle indeed. 

I feel like I'm more assured when he met my fam, so I know he really wasn't joking about our relationship. Before we parted, he said love you, and I said thanks and goodnight. Helps.

On text, I thanked him for making the effort to get to know us, and he replied, "You are worth it."

I'm really touched that I have such a beautiful soul as my boyfriend, who is also understanding and considerate.

Oh we went to choose Royce chocolate and I said my dad likes dark chocolate; about 60% would be good. I looked at the matcha and said well, something different would work too. He joked, "am I buying it for your dad or for you", and I gave him puppy eyes. I said well, matcha works too and he said to be safe, he would buy both. One for me and one for my fam. Awww TT

I feel like I'm not totally in love with him yet, but I really know that he is really a good boyfriend. I want to treasure him, but at the same time, I wish I could get to know him better. I feel like he knows alot about me, but I don't know much about him. He doesn't really tell me things (since he tends to keep things to himself) and I feel like getting to know his childhood friend is a step that I have to take very soon. It is also an opener to seeing him with his close friends and this will help me know more about him as a person. I love him, but it takes time for me to say it. Hypocritical, but it is true. 

I like him, I feel happy with him, and I feel safe with him too. Shielding me from the rain isn't lost on me, and I'm really surprised. I don't know what he sees in me to commit to me, but I choose him and I will commit to him. We'll fix our obstacles in time to come, but I hope to give him happiness too. 

Love Profession

 Just 3 days ago on 22 Nov, my bf professed his love for me face to face. I was quite thankful, but didn't know how to respond. I wasn't ready to say I love him (though I didn't rly mind doing it on text). I think I treat those words very preciously, and I found it hard to say it. 

I adore him and I'm very thankful that he is quite considerate, easy going, and reassuring. Before that, we were "cuddling" at the bench near the playground, enjoying our quiet and intimate moment. I really live for moments like that. Initially I was asking him about my friend's situation, where he wasn't sure why he couldn't see himself with his gf in the future even though they had been together for 2 years. 

My bf said that he needed to think back, what had attracted him to her in the first place. He thought it is really a waste to give up, which i agreed but I thought that if he were to be unhappy, it would be better to break up sooner than later. 

Anyway, that was how it led to the cuddling moment, and I just like the vibes we have together. It's just cuddly; cozy and just really nice. Anyway, after I told him the story, he said this was the real reason why I didn't want to do it subconsciously. I was stunned when he said that, because I hadn't thought of that. He asked if I wasn't ready because I didn't know what will happen in the future and wouldn't want to give my first to someone if I was still uncertain. He assured me that he would do his best to reassure me, and that he could understand why I would feel that way. 

He told me that he would wait, and hugged me. He said that it is fine, he would meet my family first. I told him we have a long way to go; our mutual friends don't know about us (we don't intend to tell everyone but rather, we shouldn't feel the need to hide). He agreed and we said we would take it slow as it comes along.

Anyway so when I was about to send him back, he professed his love and obviously wanted the same words said back. I couldn't bring myself to say it, which he felt really sad. I told him my reason why I can't say it because I would only say it when I truly am sure and I needed more time. He said we were probably not on the same page and that he needed to pace himself slower for me. I couldn't respond to that because I do agree.

I told him that I would not stop him from saying such words, but I just needed more time. Getting there but time is still the important factor for me. I can't lie for nuts. Anyway I told him that I still care for him because he is my "baos". He said that he would not use the 3 letters word to pace himself and make himself less disappointed. 

But after saying that, he squinted at me for a few seconds, before hugging me and saying that he would still say "i love you".

His point was that he doesn't need to wait for the moment to say it (I.e. when the time is long enough, when the feels is there). He believes that commitment is most impt and that it should be said to express the feelings. 

I asked him what does he like about me: he said that he liked that I'm considerate and I'm putting in effort as he is into the relationship. Not sure where the consideration comes from but yeah. Maybe I will ask him again.

I asked him how he knows its love, and he says that's no textbook feeling about love and it's different(?) for everyone. Strange right hahaha

Thoughts

 Thought I should write my thoughts down in preparation for the upcoming conversation on Sunday. Today, I met my boyfriend as usual, but somehow it felt different. Words are not his strong suite but he tries. I feel like a concern I may have is that he likes me just because I'm his girlfriend. I know that to most of the guys, they wouldn't make the girls their girlfriends if they didn't have feelings for her. But I think his words were not really words of affirmation, but rather just to flirt and please me without any real depth. 

Somehow it felt like he isn't really looking at me, but rather looking at me because I'm the girl he got "lucky" with, and he still indulges in that happiness. 

 Also, we've been meeting frequently, although it is now reduced to twice a week. It feels like we don't really have much to talk, which I was fine with it. However, I think I've started to become more uncomfortable because it is starting to be increasingly sexual i.e. he starts to pester me with kisses and more handsy.

He did respect my wish when I told him about the butt, but to be frank, isn't it common sense? Guess it doesn't apply to him.

Just 4 days ago, the girl he had a past with texted him while we were together, asking if he would celebrate her birthday with her. To be frank, I already told him that I didn't like it and would even prefer that he cut off with her. But he said that if he could salvage the friendship, he wanted to try. 

I just thought that if it is broken, with feelings still there, I think it is impossible to salvage. Anyway, he met her for dinner and thought that she certainly didn't have feelings for him anymore. But at the same time, I still cannot trust the girl's words, because she is always contacting him. Even though it's for a project now, it just didn't seem right. And now this birthday? 

I told him he should do the right thing, and he looked confused. He said there was no right or wrong, but he intended to eat dinner with her for just 1-2 hours. He asked me for my opinion, which I said no. I told him to celebrate a belated birthday instead of the actual day, and he still asked me what's the difference between an actual day and a week later. Gosh, I was kind of annoyed.

I think from these few instances, it felt like he wasn't able to put himself in my shoes, and consider how I would feel. Even though he did ask me for my opinions, his suggestions already showed to me that he wasn't really able to consider my feelings. 

He was just happy that he has a girlfriend now, that's the horrible thought I have now. 

Today, he was really chatty, and clingy. I hate clingy guys, and I hinted to him. He said he gave me personal space by not texting me where I am and stuff, just that when he was with me physically, he gets clingy. He asked me if I liked it, and to be frank, I'm fine if it's once in a while, but for the past few meetings, he has been like this. I don't really like it now.

Sometimes he acts like a 5 years old boy, with pouting and all. I prefer mature guys, but he has been quite childish now, which makes it hard for me. I get that guys tend to be more childish in front of girls they like, but that is a little too much.

Although I didn't intend to, our conversation suddenly steered to the meeting frequency. I asked if it is okay to meet once a week, and he didn't look too happy. After some persistence from me, he admitted that he was the kind of person who wanted to spend time physically with the person he likes, and didn't think we were meeting that frequently (well, he said he missed me at the start, so I can tell that 4 days break was still too much for him). He is certainly way more infatuated than I am, which I think meeting once a week would help to reduce this infatuation, and let him look at me more. We'd also treasure the time together even more, but to him, he was afraid that the feelings may fade.

On the other hand, if our feelings fade, then perhaps we weren't meant to be, right? If not, it would get stronger over time, I think. 

What are we missing in our relationship, and how can we improve it?

1. Consider cutting frequency to once a week, for more personal space and to see if we can grow stronger from there. 

2. Stop all the physical touchiness every time we meet. Once in a while is fine, but not always. 

3. To be more considerate of my partner's feelings i.e. not drinking with my guy friend, because there is always a chance of something going wrong and I wouldn't risk it if I treasure my partner. 

4. Find something we can do together i.e. cycling, meet his friend. I'm okay with meeting his friend now.