Orientation

Hello, so I've just started my new university classes~ So far it's kind of tough but I know I can pull through it! Anyway, during orientation, I was paired up with this guy who is tall and lean. At first I didn't think much of him because judging his looks, I thought it was not possible for us to even remain as friends. But, on the first day, I was shocked and touched by his kindness.

After playing a particular game on a flat piece of land, we had to climb up a really steep slope to get back on the main road. A girl in my group had slipped and slid down the slope before so we were really cautious. I was gathering my shoes and suddenly, he appeared beside me. I looked at him with saucer eyes and he smiled, putting out his hand.

"Do you need help?"

I was really stunned, and knowing that it wasn't polite to refuse him, I accepted his hand. So we went up the slope hand in hand, with him behind me to provide support. I slipped once but he was there to push me up.

I muttered a small thank you before I ran off to be with my friends.

Then, on the second day, we had a conflict but it was probably me thinking too much.

We were talking on one of the walks. He commented that the girls always had to listen to the guys stories about army. I agreed and I continued, "So I had this friend who is sort of feminine and he always complains...."

Disaster struck when we reached our destination. Some of my group mates were there already and he blurted out "Hey, she said her "partner"...." I was stunned because it wasn't my "partner" I was referring to, but my friend! However, I was at fault because I didn't correct him on the spot. One of the group mate said "Why did your "partner" say that? Did you ask him to tell you stories?" and I replied "Maybe."

When we got back from the walk, I was regretting my hesitance to correct them. Why was I so reserved? I regretted dragging my "partner" into this too. At night, when we were gathering, I dragged the guy out of the room and told him, "My partner isn't like that. Please don't spread it." He laughed, but little did I know it would be the last time I could make him laugh.

Even later that night, I messaged him, telling him it was a misunderstanding and it was entirely my fault. He replied "It's fine, it is still funny." The next day, we tried talking per normal but I could tell he was really awkward. We finally stopped talking when we had to change pairs.

Until now, I still think perhaps, I shouldn't have said anything. My "partner" wasn't even that amazing for me to sacrifice this potential friendship. But when I think about how I felt back then, without me voicing out, I would have been regretting it now too. I do admit I had a small crush on him because of his kindness. I'm the type of person that looks at the personality, and looks are second. When I like his personality, his looks will gradually grow on me haha.

For the past few days, I couldn't talk to him , always looking away and probably blushing. The incident still hangs heavily on my heart and mind. I am the sort of person who cannot forgive herself for her own weakness.

Last night, we were gathered in a room, helping out gifts for our seniors. He behaved normally around girls except me. It suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps, we just aren't fated to be friends or whatever. We are probably lines that intersect each other once, and drift away. If I can stop it, I would have done so.

The more I look at him, the more I think, perhaps he found me too serious and boring for him. Perhaps that's the sole reason why we cannot interact normally. Either way, I still remember him fondly whenever I think of orientation.

The last thing I cannot forgive myself is that I probably ruined part of his memories of orientation, like how I ruined a part of mine.

I became much more reserved than usual, because now I'm afraid that I could hurt someone without intending to.

Jigsaw fittings

The Exam is over haha and over the past few weeks, I went out everyday. Catching up with my old friends really recharge me and I feel loved. 

Just today, one of my friends told me she is getting married HAHA how time flies!! After listening to her love story, I realised that Fate played a major role haha she really did not need to worry about whether she can have a relationship or not hehe! It just worked out nicely for her ie her fiancee was her brother's friend AWW how sweet can it get????

I started thinking nowadays, especially about relationships. Would you preferably know the bad side of your partner first, or the good side? If you know the good side first and subsequently find out the flaws, you can get disappointed. But if his good points shine through, it will work out. On the other hand, if you know his flaws and later find out his good points, I guess it works too! It'll be like the badass guy hehe and maybe you'll fall in love with him! Like, you can be touched haha~ 

For me, I am still pondering... Honestly I really don't like to be disappointed. Who does? I gave up on the first guy that I truly liked because I was already quite certain that it won't work out... Like, there's a major flaw which I find is essential for things to work out. I really am not kidding and it is not too much to ask for. But I know he won't change so... that's too bad.

For my primary school friend... This is a mega big problem. I believe he likes a girl who is shorter than him... I guess he's conscious about his height... I'm the same height as him though! Anyway, I really don't know what to do. Should I let him know? Or should I just support his crush? I heard the girl is a really nice person~ 

Wow, while typing this, I suddenly remembered the Emergency Couple quote: " Still, I don't believe things letting her go when you love her. Love her as much as you feel that way." That's true. Why should we sacrifice our own happiness of expressing our love outwards? Not only that, the person is surely happy knowing that he is loved. 

Oh dear.... I wish the cliche can be broken... But I also don't want to put him in a tight spot... And I don't want to lose our friendship. I'm so very greedy. 

In the mean time, I'll improve myself to be a worthy partner of my future one, regardless of whether I can get him or not. 

I keep wondering if it is lust that makes me want him. Sure, he's very muscular and tanned. But he is very kind and patient. Or perhaps I should just wait for the puzzle pieces to slowly fit each other.

Haha, relationships really are about puzzle fitting. If two people have the same puzzle pieces, it won't fit no matter what. We need to complement our partner's flaws for it to work out. Oh well, I look forward to the day I can give all my love to my partner and also remain a worthy person for him :-)

Good movie

So I went to watch a movie called Our Times, also called 我的少女時代。

My god its so amazing I was touched several times by the movie. My friend cried 5 times aww how cute can she get? Hehe!

Anyway it really contains many elements of nostalgia, the age where phones don't exist. Back then, the pace of life is much slower and they appreciate small things like letters, dropping by a friend house to see the friend instead of messaging (unlike what we do now). It brings me back and I just kind of envy the people back then. Small things like studying together with your love one can really bring much joy to a person...

I think I really don't want to demand much from my future partner... I would love to enjoy life at a slower pace with my partner... like perhaps catching a movie... walking around the park.... enjoying the stars... and really taking our time to love each other. Studying together works too!

I really absolutely enjoyed this movie and I really want to buy a DVD because I really want to keep it! Not to mention that Darren wang was really good looking in the movie! Plus he portrayed himself as a badass (omg, a delinquent who is actually smart! So badass man)

Anyway after watching the movie... I hope to find that kind of love... even though it's going to be hard and difficult... I think I won't regret experiencing love? Maybe haha its still too far for me hehe

Here's the trailer:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ER61b0ejzlg

Enjoy it :-)

Confidence regained

I'm so very thankful to my sibling. I seeked his opinions just now since we were taught by the same person and the best comfort he gave me was that he understood my feelings.

He said he would feel the same way I feel if the incident happened to him. "Certainly, I would lose confidence subconsciously. "

Hearing that, I cried. Finally someone understood me. He told me to look at the facts to ease myself.

1. I was taught a longer time than he did. Much more longer by like one year.
2. My foundations are there, properly built since I had a longer time with her. He only had 5 months to build his foundation from scratch.
3. My language skills are better than his. It is definitely undeniable.
4. I practised much more than he did. Even though our learning styles differ, as I'm told by that person, I did more essays than he did.

He told me to have faith in my hardwork. When she is gone, it is only a small fraction of time over the past year that she taught me. I am not missing out much because it is really a small fraction and at this point of time, it won't really make much of a difference. I just need more time to myself to consolidate everything rather than learn new things.

Hardwork never betrays. Sure, luck plays a part too, he said. He learnt 3 laws of success from his coach. First law, hardwork. Second law, work smart. Third law, luck. We can only control the first two laws, but we can't control the last law.

Doesn't that mean hardwork doesn't really pay off if luck plays a part, I asked. He mulled over it for a while and said, I believe luck comes to those who work hard. He gave me his own experience about how insecured he felt for his chemistry and how hard he grinded.  On that day, the three laws somehow played. Luck plays a part in our lives no matter what. But we cannot control it, so why worry? At least with hard work, even with bad luck, it won't shatter too much or make a difference.

He said what i needed to hear most: "You are more than prepared for econs I believe, don't worry. Much more prepared than I was."

Now I feel like I have the confidence. I know what I am doing for econs. Just a fraction of time that she's not around doesn't make a difference. I just need to consolidate, look through mistakes and I'm ready to go. I had a lot practise compared to him (who is very smart and scored straight A). He posed a rhetorical question: "if you are more prepared than me and I can do it, why can't you?" And he told me how he honestly never needed to worry about my econs because he knew it is my strongest subject.

True, Econs have never betrayed me thus far. I should have more faith in the hardwork I put forth over a much longer period of time than he did. Why should I be afraid when I only missed out 7 (?) lessons with her before The Exam when I had like...  more than 30 lessons with her? The fraction is truly small. Sure, I missed her lessons from time to time, but she made up for it by spending more time with me, and it is one to one.

I definitely benefited more than my sibling ever did. Wow I really shouldn't have lost confidence in myself. I'm sure I can look at econs in the eye and say, look, I did you a whole lot more time than any of my friends and even sibling.

Thank you brother. You really said the words I needed to hear most and understood me through my crucial time. Thank you thank you.

Fight against my inner demons

Help me. I'm just so lost.

I have been fighting this huge battle with my inner demons. This voice keeps telling me I won't do well for econs. "I can't do it" "I'm scared"

I know that it's been a month and I expected myself to get over this trauma. But her last words to me was it is going to get harder.

I'm so frightened and insecured. When I'm alone in my quiet world where no one can bring me out of it, the demons keep me company.

It's not like I'm not trying. I'm trying very hard to shut this voice up. But it keeps coming to me and when it does, I feel like I lost everything. I feel so lost and frightened.

Someone please help me.

The only time I can forget my demons is when I'm with my crush. But it won't be long. It's so hard. How do people overcome this demon? I really don't know.

I know I already have a strong foundation for the past 1.5 years. But what troubled me is that I've never gotten to 90 percentile. Maybe once. But that was by luck. And The Exam is much harder than this.

I just need someone to encourage me. To say that I'm good even without that tutor. I've done well so far. I need to tell myself that. But even though it works sometimes, it is more impactful if a friend/someone who knows me well enough, can say that. My 'best' friend can't give me the words I need to hear most. Even when I told her my whole situation, she just cursed that tutor. And after that, she changed topic. She cannot see what a serious issue it is for me. I cannot really count on her to give me encouragement. She never really tried to sympathize with me.

I have to win this war with this demons. Once I do that, I'm very confident I can score econs. But winning this demon is what wears me out and I don't know what is the outcome of this battle.

I cannot give up. It's not a whether, but I MUST win this war against this voice in me. Girl, do you remember the sensation you felt when doing the papers? Yes. Remember it. Forget about the incident. Once you can keep holding onto the confident sensation, it's your win.

Be confident. You don't need her. What you need to do now is to be confident. This is key in defeating the demons within you. You can do it. You did well before, there's no reason you can't do it again. Fighting!

Anger

I can't look at my subject without thinking back on the incident. I'm just so full of hatred and anger I never knew I was capable of feeling.

And it is even made worse when I even helped her numerous times and she couldn't even look over this incident? I told her the truth yet she won't tell me her truth. Fuck you K.

You even told my friend not to help me? Who do you think you are, bitch? This is between you and me. Why did u drag her into it? And you, my friend. I helped you save your grades by asking her to help you. I linked the two of you. I'm so sick of you. I really shouldn't have helped you if this was going to be the outcome. You really made me regret my decision to help you from the depths of darkness. But to be honest, I helped you because I myself was in the same pit of darkness and I know how it felt. So yes it was my own decision, driven by K's desire for more students too.

That's the truth.

The next thing that made me tremble with so much anger is that you messaged my parent and said "I wish her all the best." Fuck you bitch. Is it so hard for you to message me directly? "Her"? You fucking bitch. The more I think about it, the more pain and anger I feel.

You've succeeded in destroying me one month before The exam. I'm so affected by your fucking attitude to hurt me and my family. You really hurt us. If I were to message you this, I know you would delete before even bothering to look at it. But I'm so tempted to put forward all my feelings and make u regret.

You've lost a friend because you chose it. Our memories together were very trivial to you apparently.

Sometimes I think back and wished I've never met you at all. Maybe we, yes you and me, would have been spared from this incident.

And to my ungrateful friend, I am still 50-50 regretting that I helped you. I can sense you knew what happened yet you have the nerve to tell me "aiya you message her yourself la! Why ask me? (Insert laughing face)" you hurt me again. "I can't lie" ah really?

I've put myself in your shoes several times. If I were you, and my friend who had helped save me were to ask me a favor, I would do it. Just once. If it is constant asking, I wouldn't do it.

It is my first time I asked you a favor and you wouldn't even return the debt.

The world really isn't nice. People you helped can still turn their backs on you.

Econs, I'll do my best for you. You are still my friend even if K is a bitch and that girl is a bitch. Econs, I'll do my best to never let you down. I just really need a chance to let go. Fighting.

Discipline

This is crazy. I must be crazy. It's only a few more days left to The exam and I am starting to have a crush on my primary school friend.

I'm crazy.

Today I felt happy but truth to be told.. it wasn't that productive. Maybe if I have questions to ask then I will study with him. His explanations are godly.

Anyway girl, this isn't the time to be thinking about such thing. I really felt sad that this acquaintance decided to u - turn. She decided she wasn't ready and I just feel so helpless. I thought she was on par with me? What happened?

And I question myself. Am I ready?

The answer is no.

What in the blazes am I doing? Nothing should stop me from doing what I must do. THERE IS NO TIME. I MUST DO WHAT IS IMPORTANT. My priority are all wrong. Guys should not stop me from getting what I want. I want to get into a course I can have fun, like drawing.

I must have the determination to turn away from everything. It can all wait till after The exam. But to be honest, I'm afraid that this friendship will slip away since it's very recently forged and I treasure him already.

GIRL. Do you want to end up regretting your results? As HY said, if you are fearful, you will be unable to give your best shot. If you give your best shot, what is there to fear?

I do know what went wrong. Now I need all the discipline I can master to study. To study and polish my knowledge and practise. It's time for crazy practise. I can do it. Maybe it won't be so well, but shoot for the Sun and you'll land among the stars even if you didn't reach the Sun. So my goal remains: all A. I'll strive my hardest during the next few days. Give my all. Fighting!