Boyfriend

We decided to give it a try. We both saw potential in this relationship and decided to give it a go, and enjoy the process.

When I'm with him, I sometimes don't think properly. I just want to enjoy his presence, and it didn't feel strange. While he has been putting in effort, I've not been sure if my feelings would grow. 

Today was the first time I saw how good of a boyfriend he is for me. He was very open about how he was interested in me, how he wanted to handle his past, and as a sensitive person, he understood me. He wanted my approval in how he would want to handle the situation, and to be frank, I was amazed that he was so transparent and wanted me to be involved to lessen my worries. 

He called my jealousy cute, yet he tried to reassure me. Again, very impressed by how reassuring he is, and how much he wanted me. 

It was nice to see how he thought far, and wanted to keep things chill yet fun. Think I'll look forward to more shared memories with him, and I'm gradually excited about it. 

Influence

People do say that a person's past says a lot about him. I do believe in that, and in the past, I would never let myself like someone with a fwb past. I thought it meant that this person would not know the meaning of treasuring one's body, but over time, I've came to realise that everyone's decision is to be respected. Some have their own preference of enjoying sex, and some think that it is not okay to be giving away your body freely. Everyone is unique and having preferences is just fine with me.

Now, I'm feeling conflicted. I don't know if I like him as more than friends, or do I like the fact that he seems so clear about his interest in me? Of course, a clear indication of interest means there is no confusion, and that's something I like.

Would I just let a guy touch me? I think I would, but just not any guys. Close guy friends also don't touch me, except hugging. Am I supposed to sense some butterflies when I meet him? I currently do face a little nervousness, but that's about it.

He is not as driven as I thought. In fact he is quite chill. He is physically attractive, except his height. I do like to talk to him, except that nowadays, he has been teasing me more than giving me substance to think about. I like to be intellectually stimulated, but right now I don't feel that way. I think we have to talk more about our vulnerable sides.

Without opening up, how can I see him for who he is? I don't have to force myself to like him, or be anxious about it. I think it is crucial to see him for who he is, and be clear about my dislikes (i.e. name-calling).

I want to take it slow. I want to just enjoy time with him, not because I want a relationship/ time to get into one. That's stupid. It wouldn't last if I felt that way. I really do like tall guys because they give me a sense of security, and masculinity. But that is a good to have, I guess.

My friend's opinion of him has really influenced my thinking of him. At first, I couldn't wait to meet him and talk to him. Now, I feel like I'm observing him critically if he is a pervert or not i.e. hidden motive. Not all guys are monsters, so I need to believe in some good.

Let's have zero expectations. I don't have to force myself to like him, but just stay in the present moment. I can do this, I am strong enough to make decisions without others influencing me.

First Date

Today (or rather yesterday), I went out with him for the first time, face to face. In conclusion, I'm not sure about him as I like him (not very much romantically though). I guess it's because his humour hasn't resonated with me much, but otherwise; he is considerate, thoughtful and nice.

Pretty flirty too.

We kinda touched hands, with him comparing the length of my fingers. And he stood very near to me even when ordering food, even though it hasn't been a few minutes since we met each other.

He touched my arms, my shoulders, and even preened my hair. Not forgetting that he also held a few strands of my hair to stroke it. He also helped to push my hair away to see my earring while we were comparing earrings.

He noticed the small things, such as making sure to walk on my predominant side (unsure if he saw my other blog, but I doubt), and my bruise.

He also made sure to guide me through the crowd while I was busy on my phone. He shared his drink with me (though I refused later on), carried my shopping bag and walked me home (though I walked him to the station instead). Perhaps because I've been walked (to hall), I didn't find it heart fluttering.

My heart did flutter when he touched my ear though.

He said "wah why you so nice and walk me to the station?". I said; manners. He then said "is it only manners?".

I didn't want him to feel sad so I said well, half manners. He then said, what's the other half?

I rly hate cheesy or sweet talking, so I managed to make an excuse by saying well, because you helped to carry my things.

I guess I'm great at snaking around this.

Anyway, I think overall it has been an okay-ish date? We couldn't do much activities so it was kind of boring, except walking and talking.

I guess it's okay not to be sure at the beginning, although I hope he does not pop the question anytime soon (think he is more infatuated with me than I am with him).

I'm more emotionally independent while he is kind of emotionally attached already.

Guess we will see how it goes. I can imagine him in my life, but I still don't know if I can love him romantically yet?

Truth

Just three days ago, I finally took the courage to tell him, and to my surprise, he knew. He said he wasn't sure of the specifics but he already had known a junior has this problem. I was surprised and felt a little stupid. He said that I'm doing fine, I went to mainstream schools and all. He then asked me seriously if I ever had any negative reception after telling people, and I thought maybe I did. But now that I think it, it's the people's true colours that scare me. In primary school, there was always a problem of knowing who were my friends. Girls that I trusted suddenly would admit that they wouldn't want to be friends and I think that contributed to me being fearful of rejection, or people I trusted enough only showed their true colours after I told them. Sometimes I felt that telling people would cause them to give me special treatment which I absolutely hated. I hated being treated so special just because of this problem. But overall, he didn't show much reaction except commenting that I sounded quite sad and heavy, although I've been injecting a lot of laughter (I tried to sound light), but guess that it had been bothering me a lot. Anyway I kinda told him that I'm glad it's out of the way now.

He then had two stories to tell me and I told him he could start with whatever he was comfortable with. He said he could tell me any of them, and asked me to choose. I decided to go for the more recent one, and after hearing his story (which could possibly be a deal breaker), somehow I was fine with it. I didn't feel jealousy, pain or shock, but I dealt with it. I said that was between two consenting parties, so that's that. Nothing much to say, and I really meant it. After the htht, I messaged him and thanked him for telling me the story (tried to keep it light-hearted). It was good that he was honest with me, and didn't try to hide. He told me I was the second girl to know the full story (first one has been a friend he needed advice from), and that was touching. It's a bit strange how we are getting to know each other before we even meet face to face, but I can tell he is looking forward to it a lot. I hope I won't disappoint him too much, but I'm just gonna be myself. 

I think it has been 6 weeks since I started texting him everyday, and 3 weeks since we first started skyping each other. With the recent htht, the anticipation has been building up. But I think we promised each other that we would just enjoy the process, and just figure out where it is heading. 

There are some flaws that striked me today, although I wasn't too sure. It seemed that he took his friend a little bit for granted, and I nearly wanted to tell him there are no free lunches in the world. He is expected to pay back even if they are super good friends, unless the friend has explicitly said it is alright and that it can be paid forward in the future. But I think it's not my place to say so, because every bond's dynamic is different. I just hope he won't expect me to come to his aid when it comes to money, because it is a separate issue. I'm not being calculative, but I'm a realist. Just hope that he doesn't expect his childhood friend to do things for him, cause that's not how friendship works. Anyway I don't know the childhood friend so we'll see. 

Other than that, he is rocking that smile well haha it is adorable to see him put his head on the sofa, and flash his teeth at me. 

As for the rest, I guess I'll observe if there are any changes in his behaviour towards me, and I'm gonna try to maintain my own with him.

Afterall, knowing a person for 6 weeks isn't going to amount too much especially since we haven't met face to face. Although we met last semester and knew of each other's existence, it is still important to know the chemistry between each other when we meet. 

While I obviously hope things turn out well, I am keeping expectations low. I believe we need to know a person at least 3 months before going into anything serious. I may get disappointed, but I promise myself to see who he is, and his flaws, and strengths. If I were to get together with him, I have to accept what made him him, and that includes his past. I'm also a little sorry for the girl, since she hasn't been able to get over him.

Hope he won't be a fake nice guy, or a dick. Hahaha but he has been telling me he isn't a dick but who would admit right? I don't know haha all I feel is that I should take it slow and enjoy the present moments.

If it comes, it comes.

Take it slow

It has been a month or so since we started texting each other. Think we are gradually becoming closer. I've been continuously telling myself to slow down, stay present in the moment, and just enjoy.

While I continue to struggle how I can approach the subject, my good friend told me that hey, it isn't a deal breaker even for him as a guy. That was reassuring when he said that.

But still, I know that it can be tiring to compromise that much for the girl.

I enjoy seeing and talking to him (even though it's online) and he has been making it clear to me that he thought the same. So far he has been enjoying our conversations, and I sense that he is trying to see if things can move beyond that.

I'm still afraid to tell him. But I realise that I have to be fair to him too. Assuming that when he realises that it is not what he has signed up for, it will be okay. Everyone has their own preferences. As he always tell me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I will make an effort for things to progress, but I won't force it if it doesn't happen. It will definitely be a pity, because I genuinely like his smile, and he can be quite mature when he wants to be.

It has been a month, which means it should be time for me to tell him right? People have been telling me it wouldn't make a difference if I tell him earlier or not, but I feel like it does. Telling him earlier would have changed his own perception about me, but telling him later would allow him to form his own judgement for me before knowing it.

I don't know how to be fair to him and myself. While I'm kind of interested, I also don't want to waste our time if it is a deal breaker. While I want him to chase me, I also don't want him to find out that I may not be what he wants.

We are still getting to know each other. We text mundane stuff, but I feel that it is normal. He is very straightforward that it catches me off guard.

I almost hurt him by rejecting him, but that was because I misheard him. Think I should tell him soon, so that it will not cause misunderstandings.

Okay, I think sooner or later, I will tell him. Even though doing it face to face may be better, there's still two more weeks to go. There's also no guarantee that I can be out of the house so soon as well.

My friend still treated me normally. My colleagues also do that, and they almost forgot that I have some difficulties at times. Not sure if that is a good sign though?

It's time for me to focus on my work properly. I'm not a kid, I have to learn how to manage my emotions and work. Personal matters stay personal; I've got a job to excel and learn the best I can. It won't be fair to the company if I keep getting distracted for the past weeks.

I do think I may like you. I don't think I've been myself so much or feel kind of at home when I talk to you. It's strange how we knew each other for at least six months before this and I never made an effort to talk to you. Now this happens. It is now a habit to say good night to you everyday. Feels like a couple huh?

Whether it is an infatuation or not, time will tell. Whether it is meant to be, I have no control so why worry? Just give it my best shot, and whatever outcome, I'll accept it. It may shoot me in the ego so badly that I might be crippled, but hey we are all humans. We all have preferences and that's alright. I want to have zero expectation that he will accept me for who I am. I am independent (though I don't feel that way lately), and I can take care of myself.

If it doesn't work out, so what? It's also a blessing because it means that I have more time to myself without committing to another person. I get to do what I want, without thinking of the teamwork. That's the brighter side of things haha yknow what, this really does make me feel better now. I love being alone too, able to make decisions freely, and just playing the role for my family.

If we ever get together, it will just be a topping on top of my already existing ice  cream. I have so many things that I might have taken for granted, but I can work more on improving myself if it doesn't work out. You are not a necessity to my well being, because only I can take care of myself. Loving myself. I don't need to have a relationship to thrive.

Take it slow. Take it slow. Take it slow.

Reflections

It's been so long since I'm back here. Why? Because there's always something on my mind that pulls me back here ha ha ha...

I've been focusing on my career, basically trying to remain useful and afloat in my company. Of course I am kind of enjoying my work (just a little concerned about politics here and there), and I am really learning a lot. So my goal is to just keep questioning things, and pick up some self-learning skills. It has been hard to kick-start my self-learning and all, especially with the recent development.

So let me get back to the main point.

Someone I knew in my previous semester replied on my instastory, and we started texting. It became 'fast and furious' as we continuously let the conversation flow; it became like an everyday routine. We would text before we sleep; we talked about dogs, cats, and anything. I still don't know what this will turn out to be, but we also talked about relationships. So far it has been easy-going, no expectations or whatsoever.

I've been consciously trying to be just myself, and not try to portray myself in a way to impress him (I sometimes do have this habit, just to prove myself?). I've also told myself that I have no expectations, and to just see him for who he is. Just observe him, with zero expectations.

Which means, I'm trying not to overthink about the future or whatsoever. I'm just enjoying the process. As what he mentioned, he thinks that the process is more important and I couldn't agree even more.

Guess our values kind of tie here and there, which are nice to have. But I think we are both just in the middle of figuring out if this chemistry can possibly mean something else or not. Even if it doesn't, it is alright because you can't force it. We can only just follow the flow, and just enjoy whatever comes along.

I also shared with him a video about the missing piece meeting a Big O, and I wondered if he was the kind that wanted his partner to fill in a missing part of him. Or does he want his partner to complement him? Anyway, he thought the video is about loving yourself before loving others, which I agreed.

I shared my perspective on the relationship, which is that both partners should try to be "whole" before entering a relationship. He then read into it, and asked if I wasn't ready for a relationship yet since I'm working on myself. Though I did panicked a little since I was subconsciously hoping he wouldn't give up yet, I thought I should just be honest with myself.

I said that I don't even know if I would ever be ready and that I'm working on both of it at the same time. From my previous experience, I thought I was "whole" but on hindsight, maybe I wasn't. I also questioned how I would know if enough is enough.

He then said that he didn't think there can be a fixed target but rather, when the time comes, I will know whether I am ready. I was like whoah dude, that's deep. He hinted that if he sees an opportunity, he would be willing to try out to see if things could work out.

Then I mentioned to him that I thought I would want to be the best version of myself before entering a relationship, and that I'm still far off from my goals. He kind of picked up that I've still been working on my insecurities, which I supposed scored him a point in my books hahaha okay I digress. Anyway, he said that the idea of being "whole" did not have to be about working on your flaws but rather not being too dependent on the relationship. In an ideal situation, partners can help each other overcome their flaws. He agreed that personal space is really important (which is what I really believe in, because I cannot stand clingy guys), which is another plus point.

Afterwards, he mentioned that I shouldn't worry about being the best version of myself, since the current me is nice too. And "people should like me for being me." which is basically what my friends have been reassuring me whenever I bring up depressing topics like that.

I guess my disability is still affecting my self-confidence, although I've been really trying hard to see it as a part of me. It doesn't define me as a person, but I have to live with it. It has been hard for me to see how can another person be able to live with that part of me. I still can't see it, but I've been slowly accepting my challenges that make me who I am.

I think the real reason why I have been pushing people away is really just this: I didn't want to stay long enough to see how another person can live with that part of me, because I am afraid it will turn them away. Rejection for a part of me that I cannot change.

It will hurt a hell lot, which is what I have been fearing. I think it's time to acknowledge that fear.

Thinking about it, how can I overcome that fear? What do I have that I can offer to my partner? And what are the times I was most proud of myself?

I have so many flaws that I cannot offer. But I think my strength lies in empathy, giving a listening ear, loyalty and usually seeing the brighter side of things. I tend to be proud that I do my best to see things objectively to give advice to my friends, and that gives them the willingness to trust me.

Anyway, while I have so much to think about, I am just going to remind myself that I am not going to think about the future, I will just enjoy the current moments. I will have no expectations, and I will see him for his strengths and flaws, and see if they are within what I can accept.

I have to remind myself that even if it doesn't work out, it really is life. Everybody faces rejections. Whether my time will ever come or not, I don't think I really want to care about it and be anxious about something that I cannot control.

Fighting!

New Chapter

It is over, and I'm flipping to a new page of my story.

It's crazy how time flew so quickly. I've experienced so much and learnt so much about myself and from others. Here's a few things that I believe everyone should remember:

1) That the world needs more kind people, so don't be afraid to show kindness towards others (not to the extent of being a pushover btw). 

2) This quote from a good friend has really, really, really saved me countless of times when I was full of doubt, in a turmoil, or depressed. I'm sharing this with you and I hope that it saves you as much as it saved me. 

You're strong, you're precious and you're irreplaceable for me no matter what people say about you.

So keep pushing on. The dark times will most definitely pass. Rely on your friends and family for support if you have to. You're not late for anything, you just need more time - hence late bloomer.

3) No one is perfect. And that in itself, is perfect. So don't think you're a broken fish in an ocean full of fishes. Somehow, even if you lack something, every fishes will lack something. In the end, you will have something special about yourself that somebody needs. 

4) Life goes on. You cannot cling on to everyone you are friends with, but you can show them your appreciation. Everyone deserves to hear kind words from someone. 

That's all I can think of at the moment. Will add on when I recall more, to remind myself while I move on.