Rein in your shit

Okay I thought I got over the infatuation pretty fast but I am starting to realise I still treat him differently from how I treat other guy friends. 

I am constantly trying to knock sense into myself (and it worked for a while), but when he asked if he could drink in my room, I nearly lost it. Knowing him, it won't go beyond anything else but I am afraid of myself of what I might do if I get tipsy. 

So I suggested another place which was more public and I can only wait in anxiety if it would even happen (because we have a lot of other commitments). 

For now, I'm struggling to rein in my feelings and to really just see him as a good friend. But even my friend thought that we were a little too close to be just friends, which is now a warning sign. But when we interact, it felt okay? Like we are close and I think we both enjoy each other's company, but there is always nothing beyond that line because we both know about his partner. I also don't feel jealousy about his partner so I'm a little confused if this is just a crush that will eventually pass.

I guess I'll just see it as just close friends or if not, just a passing crush that will eventually be over. 

I'm not going to entertain anymore nasty thoughts. I'll only think about it if it ever happens but it is 100% not going to happen so what's the point of thinking all these weird things.

Delusion

Well I think I'm having some kind of delusion and it very well goes against my morals.

But it is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just lonely because I have had enough of relationship drama (recent one was around two weeks ago) and I swore to myself I didn't want any part of this anymore.

I've recently gotten closer to a very good friend of mine that we hang out every week. And he's the only person who can make me laugh with his messages (meaning our humour matches well). But we cannot and must not go beyond this friendship as he has a partner.

I very well respect his partner. But his actions confused me a little, but I'm quite sure I've been overthinking it. I really have to take more personal space.

But what's strange is that as a friend, nothing more and nothing less, why would you come to me after you did that wipe? I mean my logical thinking was that you would just go straight back to the vehicle. But you ran towards me in the rain, and my heart started pounding. You then looked back and then you tried to joke before awkwardly giving me a pat on my shoulder. It almost felt like he wanted to just hug me but he was afraid of doing more because we both knew he has a partner and this is out of question.

We are both very morally upright people and I think we were kind of compatible as well. So we flirt a little, but nothing more. There's a line.

It is just unfortunate that we didn't meet earlier because he is a sincerely nice person and I've known him for around 3 years? I guess it is fate.

Inside me, I just can't help having this tiny hope (which is fucking wrong of me) so I really have to make space for both of us. I think the memory of him running in the rain towards me is seared in my mind, and it almost felt like there really is something there. My heart just won't stop pounding (because of shock too).

I think he does like me too as a friend or a sister. But I wish he can be more clearer about the latter. And I have to move on because nothing can ever happen between us. I'm sincerely excited for him and his partner, so that's that. I just want to keep him as a friend or whatever that fate chooses.

I'm trying to calm down, but I realise we text each other almost everyday. We just don't run out of things to say.

But I guess when we graduate; we won't have any excuse to meet up and this infatuation of mine will fade away. So I'm just holding on, waiting for this feeling to fade away.

It has to.

Emotional dustbin

I think there's something weird going on. Why do I attract the strangest people of the opposite sex?

A friend asked me for my opinion regarding his emotional baggage (which I regretted asking) and it really made me realise that he was so emotionally clingy to me. It was not a good feeling; in fact I became frightened.

I'm just not prepared to deal with another drama (hence I put some distance and that led to this shit omg I guess it's like either way: one way or another, it will lead to trouble anyway so why bother thinking lmao). I am not ready to shoulder another person's emotions when mine isn't satisfied? Right now I'm just focused on being independent and liking myself for who I am. I am currently not interested in sacrificing myself for others yet like when they're pessimists. I'm not perfect myself, but it's time to stop looking back but forward. I'm more about improvements. If you made a mistake, reflect and pick yourself up.

I've gone through the tiniest fragment of the harsh reality; and it really discourages and saddens me. But give it time, and tell yourself that this is reality and you have to bear with it, and move on. Keep trying to get better than the you yesterday.

I cannot keep up with holding the negativity when it will affect me one way or another. So you ask me why I don't want to continue this friendship? It's because it takes two hands to clap. I cannot support you as a friend when you are not supportive as a friend to me. If it becomes one sided, its exhausting and I get nothing. Humans are like that. We need to get something out of the friendship. My good friends and me; we enjoy each other's company and humour, and same value roots. That's what I look for. We clearly aren't on the same wavelength anymore and it's hard to know you better. You don't bring up funny topics from class or even life, then what stories can you tell me? Nothing. And I tell you stories.

I'm tired of dealing with this shit. It's a waste of time and I might as well spend time alone. I get to do what I like and it's so much better.

I hope you don't think bad about this. It's just that I believe that every meeting has it's own meanings, led by fate. Some people or even friends leave you after they have fulfilled their purposes of teaching you something. I'm not the right friend that you would want to keep with you. You will definitely find better friends. Just take the cue, let things go when it's meant to be.

Getting over

Strangely, I'm still trying to get over you. It doesn't hurt to think of you, but I feel wrapped up in a series of questions: what if I hanged on longer? Was I too harsh? Would I fall in love the longer I know him? Was he actually the right person?

But I'm young. I don't think he is the right person. Maybe I am just desperate for someone to love me the way I am. But you know what, I won't settle for someone who doesn't make my heart beat faster, someone who doesn't make me look forward to seeing him, someone who doesn't make me laugh with his jokes. 

I think he doesn't have to be perfect, the chemistry just has to be there; just like me and my gay friend. Too bad he is gay; we really suited each other and many people thought we were actual couple. 

I have to commit to my decision. Fate has been pushing me away from him; 99% of my friends were so certain that I would find someone better than him.

It is time to be patient; not to RUSH into things; and let him do the chasing. My job is to be myself, and to hang out more and most importantly, live my life productively and happily. 

Even though we broke up, I really treasured what he told me; it made me believe that there are people out there who don't mind. 

"I really don't mind. Nobody is perfect. And that in itself, is perfect." Maybe it's just some mushy words but it really touched me. 

Goodbye to the guy I gave my first kiss to. Although short, you taught me what I really wanted in a relationship, and how I really behave differently. 

I do enjoy the freedom of being single. It felt troubling to be tied down to a person. I think that also shows why he wasn't the right one for me.

Break up

So I finally gathered my courage to tell him I didn't want a relationship for certain. As how guys are, he took it hard and was quite salty about it. Guys really do have prides.

I tried to put it nicely to him and we could have ended it there, but he decisively decided to push the blame to me. He said he did warn me and that I should consider being in a relationship if I couldn't hang on longer. I should have tolerated more, he said.

At this moment, I truly thank the Gods for helping me. He just ascertained for me that I made the right choice.

I showed my guy friend and boy, he was pissed off. He typed out a long message to help me rebut and told me I should knock some sense into him.

It took me one hour to craft a message I could feel satisfied with. Firstly I apologized because I did started the whole thing, and then whacked him for some reasons he said.

Tolerance? Sorry my friend, a relationship works only when I can tolerate it, and the fact that you don't seem to respect my boundaries is a big no. You just didn't seem to be the person. In fact, when you kissed me that night, it felt wrong.

You told me physical touch is your sign of affection. Again, many guys can hold back if they're just dating for a few days. You do not simply unzip everything in a single day of getting together.

Now then, I realised he really didn't have EQ.

He replied my messages and said, "well, very business and diplomatic as usual." Haha tbh, was that an insult? That's kind of funny. It's more of a childish stab to make me feel bad.

He said he actually wasn't ready for a relationship, and started trying to rebut by saying that he would be able to accept everything about his partner, and talk it out before walking away. Once again my dear friend, I am capable of that. It is just you who feels wrong. I do not want to continue with someone who didn't feel right. I am not going to change you to become someone who feels right for me.

Anyway, my first kiss and subsequent kisses are just small sacrifices. I am just so glad this case is closed before I become too invested in this relationship.

It could have been toxic, with me being unhappy.

I'm just so thankful for my friends who all saw through him, and kept warning me to get the hell out of it. They kept telling me that I deserved so much better.

3 days of dating was short, but it could have been so much worse.

Finally, this chapter has been closed.

I've learnt that you should never bring a guy to your room alone because they really do lose control of themselves. Secondly, do not enter into a relationship so quickly when you don't know him well. Third, if you don't think he is right in your gut feeling, trust it and get the fuck out. Fourth, always love yourself. He implied that I should have stayed longer, but no I don't think I want more nonsense like that from him. I deserve someone better.

I kept deliberating because I thought, what if he was only like this for 10% of the time? Maybe he showed it to me at the wrong time? But guess what, I texted a friend who was still in the summer school. I asked how did he find the guy and he replied that the guy has changed. Apparently the guy was a snake and did everything for a motive. That made it even clearer to me and I was so thankful for my choice.

I think it is very important for a guy to handle conflicts maturely (not a childish stab btw). He apologised too often that even an apology starts to lose its meaning. I don't want a guy who doesn't have confidence in his actions. I also want a guy who has his own life. From what I could tell, he would totally forget everything and focus on the partner only, with excessive affection.

All in all, I'm glad this whole disaster of a relationship, albeit short, is over.

Pace

My emotions are a mess now. I am quite uncertain about the whole situation. Who knew my first kiss would be a French kiss?

So basically I met him during my summer school. I really thought of him as a friend at first but as I observed him more, I realised that he was kind (extremely), considerate and he knew how to take charge of the group. Little things such as reminding us what to bring before we embarked on the next destination, making sure we all boarded the train before he did, and navigating the way for us. 

He was in my morning class with another girl. Since we would try to sit next to each other, we tended to get paired up together to practise on each other. Many times he would correct my pronunciation (since he already could speak fluently), and helped me with my homework. He also responded really quickly to my messages.

I really thought of him as a friend, and probably admired him too. On that Friday night, he took me and my roommate out for dessert, with him paying the bulk of it (and it ain't cheap). It was a birthday treat from him and I thought it was sweet of him.

The next day, he asked me if I had plans in the morning. I was confused as to whether it was a date but I agreed. A while later, he messaged me that our friend, X, was coming to join us. I felt disappointed but I agreed. 

X was super late. She joined us around 4pm. That meant that I was with him from 10am onwards. We ate at a cafe and did window shopping afterwards. He would hold out his hand for me when I was trying my shoes. 

I held them.

When X came, we headed to a restaurant and cat cafe. We had to order a drink each, so he and I ordered whisky while X ordered a milder drink. Tilted me.

After it, he told X to go back alone while he took me home. We got on the bus together and feeling tired and drunk (fellow ladies, pls do not get drunk till u can't think properly), i rested my head on this shoulders. He kept telling me to sleep and he put his hand on the side of my head. I said, if I made you uncomfortable, please say so. He laughed and said no, why would he.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this point, I was so confused if he actually liked me.

He texted my roommate to fetch me back to the room. At that surreal moment, it felt right.

The next day, it was a festival. He was so close to a friend that I became angry and confused. What did the night meant to him? It felt like he was putting a fish net for fishes (aka me and this friend) and was trying to switch between us. I was so pissed at that thought and the fact that it felt like I was possibly lightbulbing them, that I told them I really wanted to eat a particular food, and I stormed off.

I ate gyoza alone in the rain, and whilst struggling with the chopsticks and the umbrella, I spilt sauce all over my arms. Frustration and possibly jealousy, welled up in me. I took out my cap and simultaneously dropped my cap when my roommate found me. She knew from my expression that I was about to cry, and I hung onto her. I whispered to her that I was so annoyed, I really wanted to leave immediately. Knowing that the group would realise something was wrong, she told me to hang in there and shared her food with me (best pal girl ever). We ate and I didn't look at him in the eye.

I bought takoyaki and while trying to eat, my hair kept falling into my food. He reached out to tuck my hair behind, which further confused me. We left quickly after that, with me buying 2 cans of strong beer to get drunk on.

He texted me, asking if I was alright. I asked, do you think I'm alright? He said, well, you look tired. I said, did I look tired to you? To summarise this whole conversation, I kind of confessed that I liked him, and I was so prepared to be rejected. Imagine my surprise when he said he did like me back but he wasn't sure. We decided to meet up the next day to talk.

I met him near my hostel and we bought cans of beer. Initially we wanted to go to a park to talk, but that night, it was cold. So we decided to just go to my room to talk (big mistake yall: never bring a guy to your room alone).

We started revealing things about each other, and expectations we want to have about each other. He asked me, "do you want me?". I was confused because I wasn't sure. I only knew him for 3 weeks plus. I avoided his question and said, well you aren't sure about me too. He replied, "It depends on you. Do you want me?"

1. He was in my room, sitting on the floor.
2. At that point, he was this guy that was kind, mature, and caring.

I told him, "You may be the guy I am looking for. Would that answer your question?" Blinking a few seconds, he stood up and looked at me in the eye.

I knew what was coming but nevertheless, I still flinched when he brought his head closer to mine. Squeezing my eyes shut, I felt his lips contact mine. What I never expected was the feel of his tongue in my mouth. I thought, wait is this a French kiss?

We pulled away, and I looked away. I said, "This is my first kiss. Is this a French kiss? I've never done it before." He leaned even closer and smirked, "well, you'll get to practise a lot". I was quite turned off, but he french-kissed me again. We kissed a total of 6 times, and he even kissed my neck and my forehead. Millions of red flags. Was this a guy who can't control himself? Was he not what I thought he was?

Hugging me, he asked if I was happy. What else could I say?

We held hands while we walked back to the station. That night, he texted me if he could call me darling. Another red flag.

I told him it was too fast and he agreed to slow down. We were official for a total of 3 days.

On the third day, we were catching up and he stated that he would like to bring me to an adult shop.

Me: With just me or with the rest?
Him: No, just you alone.
Me: Haha, why just me? And we've gone to an adult shop with the rest before.
Him: Yeah but it's different. I want to describe to you how I will use the sex toys on you.
Me: ...

I told him it wasn't funny as a joke. I had told him to slow down since that night, and we were not at the stage to tell dirty jokes. I didn't like it, and I told him that we should go back to being friends. He agreed.

Up to now, he continued to text me repeatedly everyday.

I just had a face to face conversation with one of my guy best friends, and he said, it sounded like he is desperate for sex. He disapproved of him. Majority of my closest friends said no too.

I guess that I'll cut him off. There's too many red flags even at the beginning. He isn't who I thought he was.

Would I choose to do it again? I do.

It has been a really long 1 or 2 years since that day. I decided to look back on our conversation to see if I have changed my mind on anything about my words. When I read our conversation again, it just dawned upon me. I would not change a single thing about my replies. If I were to live that day again, I would still choose those words.

Like my friend said, it's a good thing because it meant that I chose my words very carefully.

I think I've been avoiding the harsh truth: he has never thought of me as a friend. Even though we made group trips in our youth, we were never considered close. I've been to his house, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm his friend. Just an acquaintance that he was simply being too kind with.

I really was a fool. Being so blindly in love with him, maybe I started having fantasies about our relationship.

This explains why even though I took the first step to try to mend our relationship, he didn't make that effort back. If I really am someone he chooses to keep, he would definitely reciprocate.

I guess, he really is one of the many people that I'll meet once in a lifetime. Meant to cross paths once and its over.

There's nothing left for me to regret. I have ascertained that I would still have chosen that path even if I relived that day and that's enough.

To you, you have taught me leadership and influence. What it really means to think out of the box. To you, you have taught me what it meant to be so blindly in love. To really see no one else but you. To you, I have given my heart, so sure of my choice but you never gave me a chance.

I used to live those days when I would think of you every passing days. It gets better now even though I'm still struggling while you already had 2 partners since then. Maybe I saw my future with you and that made me cling to you longer than I should have.

Words are powerful.

We just weren't meant to be at the start. You were just a teacher and my needed inspirational speaker during those tiring and dark days.

I'm still glad I met you. But its time to put you out of my mind. I hope you will not be a trauma to me, a chain to my past. I will seek new lights, new fires, and new souls.

You shall forever remain as a skeleton of my past. Difficult to break through, but eventually I will.

I really did loved you. But someday, I will thank you for not making the choice to be with me.