R/S talks

 Writing always helps me to clear my thoughts or affirms my goals. It was vday and when the date went well, it didn't exactly end on a high note. I suggested a place which was supposed to be just 16 mins travelling time by bus, but my bf was a little cocky about his sense of direction and kept talking to me without checking his phone. That resulted in us walking more than we had to, thrice, before we found the bus stop. After getting off the bus, it was supposed to be a 2 min walk and we got lost for another time (we crossed the road when we didn't have to). I finally suggested to him to take out his phone and keep the maps app open because I was tired, and hangry. 

I was a little pissed off and upset as I had already told him that we had to find a place earlier to book and eat for dinner, but he had repeatedly told me that we could find a place nearby. And he was cocky that he couldn't keep his app open, and still mocked me for not being good at directions. At least I keep my app open and asked for help when I'm not sure? 

Anyway I was rly hungry and finished the food faster than him, and we ordered beer and another drink. The bitterness of the beer had me wanting more, as it kind of soothes my mood (upset and angry). I kept reminding myself not to lose my temper, as I didn't want to ruin the day. I asked him if we could get a drink even though he told me he had to go home earlier for class the next day, and I think he got my hint. I was dazed out for the rest of the journey to a mall, partly because I'm slightly intoxicated and still upset. He kept quiet throughout, checking on me and squeezed me. He navigated me to the supermarket and suggested soju. 

So we got a bottle to share. 12% alcohol. We quickly walked to my house, and sat at the usual spot. The lights were turned off coincidentally but there were people there. I drank, and I told him that it was slightly too sweet. He let me drink for a bit, before he took the bottle away, asking me to kiss him before I continued. I just pecked him a little and continued to drink. He controlled my drinking, and told me I had enough as I drank too much. 

My bitterness wasn't exactly melted away, but I felt slightly better. He asked if he could make out with me, and I said no. Thankfully, he did not push further (though he asked why, and I said I wasn't in the mood). He asked if he could touch me, but I said not now. Then he asked if we could talk, and I said "talk about what?". 

"Our relationship," he said. I was a little stunned that he plunged into a heavy topic, especially since he was already horny. He asked what I envisioned it to be, and I couldn't really understand why he asked that. He asked if it ever came across my mind about marriage. I said that every relationship has its ups and downs, but he said I wasn't really answering his questions. He wasn't in this for fun; he was at the age where he wanted to settle down. I agreed about that, that I wasn't in it for fun too. It was a serious thing for both of us; but I can't help but be worried about my flaws, whether I'll be good enough, whether I really knew what I wanted. It was and is still a scary thing, taking a plunge when you don't know how it'll end up in the future.

I asked what he envisioned it to be, and he thought we should be discussing about marriage and settling down in 2 years time. I think I told him before that 2 years are too short; I preferred 3 years but sure we can talk about it then. To me, 2 years is a make or break point for many couples. Many do not make it past 2 years. 

The reason he asked me was because we were kind of preparing to do it. He said that by doing it, it would be taking our commitment for each other to another level. He wanted to be certain that I was on the same page as him in terms of commitment. He was afraid that it would snowball on the future and asked if I had any doubts about this relationship. I said it is fine for now, but I told him we still have to iron out some issues (one of which, is communication). We had a few miscoms and misunderstandings over text. I said that I sometimes put the conflicts away because we only meet once a week; and he said well we could meet more often. I said that was besides the point; I just didn't want to ruin our meeting of talking about the conflict during our once-a-week meeting. Now that I think about it, we should always have a timing avenue allocated during our dates to talk about any conflicts we may have. *note taken*

We talked about our different love languages, how he is trying to be an acts of services guy for me. I said as long as he is putting in the effort, it would be great. But I tried bringing up that I wanted initiative, and brought up about a conflict we had. I said I wished that he had done this and that, and he started getting defensive about whatever he had done. I said it is not about doing a big thing, but consistent efforts. He listed down several things and started saying how I wasn't appreciative. I got slightly mad, and said why is he always saying I'm not appreciative. I've always thanked him for it, and he said he knows. But he doesn't like to say what he has done. Oh I should have brought up the point about gifts, shoot. Perhaps I'll talk about it later.

Anyway, I feel like I want to commit to him. Maybe I'm slightly superstitious, but we started talking on the very same week my grandma passed on. We also saw a rainbow on the day we got together, and another two raimbows on two separate occasions that we were together for. I had asked my grandma to show me guidance if he was the one, to give me a sign. A rainbow can't be a negative sign, you see. I told him that someone is looking out for me, and I broke down because I was overwhelmed by the feeling of gratefulness, and how lucky I felt to have found someone. He wiped my tears, and said gently "don't cry". I joked that I have grown older; I used to be a happy drunk but lately I've been a sad drunk. He asked me to continue, and after pausing, I simply said that I wish for us to work out well. 

I feel like I may not know him well enough: his deep thoughts and that scares me sometimes. I don't think I know what he likes or hates, but I'll find out eventually. I asked if he has any problems with me so far; and he said I already knew it. The texting vs ftf problem. And he said that I have a problem of worrying that what happened to other people would happen to us. He said why am I bringing other people's stories into our story. If it happened to them, we have to learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen to us, which I agreed.

I brought up how travelling is important to me, which is about making memories. I said that I'm willing to wait while he paid off his 17k loan. He was going to borrow 15k from his friend, and pay off slowly. I said what about interest rates, and he said he would find out after he graduate. Goodness, that drives me crazy sometimes. Its better to know what you're in for, and not say you'll find out later.

Anyway I asked what he wanted from me. Was he looking for a partner to accompany him, or looking for a partner to push him to be better? He said he wanted reassurance from me. I just had to be there for him when he was feeling low, which I told him he had to tell me then. He said that my presence is all that matters, sigh, another point that I hoped he would make that effort. He said that I needed to be more positive, that all is well. The more pessimistic I get, the more difficult it will be. I think I need to start focusing on self love, on being emotionally independent too. (Point taken)

I'm still uncertain about what I want, but so far I've not encountered any red flags, except the travelling part. I really believe that it is important for us to move in together for a while, to be very certain of what we're in for. If we cannot stand it, we really shouldn't even marry. 

I think I've to bring up that yes, even though I'm in this for real, I believe that while time is a factor, if we are ever unhappy and the best thing is to break up, then we have to do it. Especially if our goals in life would become very different.

For me, I'm looking for a partner who can make me laugh (uhhh I'm difficult), someone who can cheer me up with small gifts, someone who is patient with me, and accepts me. 

I think its a little scary that he really is considering me as wife material already. I felt like we are still in the honeymoon phrase (which he scoffed and said we are not) but I am definitely more patient and considerate than I usually am. There's also the problem of the housing bidding, which is a problem for both of us since we believe in different things. I'm not sure if this can be a breaking point too.

Anyway, I wonder if he would really get my tantrums and my patience limit haha, I still think 2 years is too short to be really myself, tantrums and fights and all). But I told him that I'm ready to take on a new experience with him and he said that he appreciated that.

We kissed a few times, with him lifting my chin and turning his head a few times. It felt normal, but I liked his smell. 

I liked how he interacts with people with confidence (although shy with strangers), how he is working hard, and how loving he gets.

My parents said that sometimes he treated me like a kid, and I have to show him that I'm mature enough. Good point, sometimes he is like that but I thought it was because he wanted to take care of me well.

Anyway, am I truly prepared to take it a step further? Wow, I hadn't really thought that it was another level of commitment as what he had mentioned. I thought that it was more of an experiment, a new experience together. Thankfully he mentioned this to me or I would not be on the same page. But I feel that he is a good man, 7-8 points; sometimes he really takes what I said into consideration. He is childish, but he can be very loving.

Bringing him home

 My bf finally came over to my place. It has been something we've been planning for a long time (a month?) and I've been rly nervous for him and my fam. Ofc I hoped he would make a good impression on them, but I also felt judged by my fam whether I made the right choice of choosing him (or rather to proceed with the relationship). I rmbr my father saying like he rly wanted to meet the guy who captured his high standard daughter (ehem he didn't know about the japan guy). So ya, I felt pressured that my dad realises that I can make the "right" decisions. But on hindsight, I shouldn't feel that way because there is no right decision at this current juncture. I'm with him because it felt right for now. What may change in the future is something we can't predict but I'd definitely work hard for us. 

Anyway they had a pretty good impression of him I think? My mum and sibling gave him 8/10 which is seriously a high score. I asked my mom and she said she had the feeling that my bf rly pampers me a lot, while my bro said he felt that my bf is v down to earth, there's substance in what he says, and he wasn't an idiot HAHAHA.

My dad didn't want to give a rating but he said he is okay. I won't ask my dad further cus it may cause some biases in my perception of him. Anyway I was really glad to see that my choice to be with him is good, since he really sounded very knowledgeable. I was honestly quite impressed with how he probed and answered their questions. He knew a few things of my sibling's interest about the computer and photography, which probably also impressed my sib. For me, I got to see a different side of him, the mature and aware side of him.

When my dad left my room, my bf whispered to me about how he is doing and I said pretty good. He kind of puckered his lips and I gave him a quick peck on his lips and he smiled. What a cutie.

Otw back, he asked me how he did and I said I would give him 10/10, and that I believed he made a very good impression (which is true). My dad told him he is an intelligent guy, which he was quite surprised and he personally told me it must have been out of politeness. 

I asked my dad about it and he said he doesn't just say if a person is intelligent. He felt that his general knowledge is pretty good and he rly worked hard to get to where he is now. I could tell my dad was also seeking my approval if he did well in not making my bf awkward (yes he did, but he talked way too much until I felt super tired too). 

Anyway I had a hard time eating dinner because I wasn't sure about what I portrayed myself as: a daughter or a girlfriend. That was a struggle indeed. 

I feel like I'm more assured when he met my fam, so I know he really wasn't joking about our relationship. Before we parted, he said love you, and I said thanks and goodnight. Helps.

On text, I thanked him for making the effort to get to know us, and he replied, "You are worth it."

I'm really touched that I have such a beautiful soul as my boyfriend, who is also understanding and considerate.

Oh we went to choose Royce chocolate and I said my dad likes dark chocolate; about 60% would be good. I looked at the matcha and said well, something different would work too. He joked, "am I buying it for your dad or for you", and I gave him puppy eyes. I said well, matcha works too and he said to be safe, he would buy both. One for me and one for my fam. Awww TT

I feel like I'm not totally in love with him yet, but I really know that he is really a good boyfriend. I want to treasure him, but at the same time, I wish I could get to know him better. I feel like he knows alot about me, but I don't know much about him. He doesn't really tell me things (since he tends to keep things to himself) and I feel like getting to know his childhood friend is a step that I have to take very soon. It is also an opener to seeing him with his close friends and this will help me know more about him as a person. I love him, but it takes time for me to say it. Hypocritical, but it is true. 

I like him, I feel happy with him, and I feel safe with him too. Shielding me from the rain isn't lost on me, and I'm really surprised. I don't know what he sees in me to commit to me, but I choose him and I will commit to him. We'll fix our obstacles in time to come, but I hope to give him happiness too. 

Love Profession

 Just 3 days ago on 22 Nov, my bf professed his love for me face to face. I was quite thankful, but didn't know how to respond. I wasn't ready to say I love him (though I didn't rly mind doing it on text). I think I treat those words very preciously, and I found it hard to say it. 

I adore him and I'm very thankful that he is quite considerate, easy going, and reassuring. Before that, we were "cuddling" at the bench near the playground, enjoying our quiet and intimate moment. I really live for moments like that. Initially I was asking him about my friend's situation, where he wasn't sure why he couldn't see himself with his gf in the future even though they had been together for 2 years. 

My bf said that he needed to think back, what had attracted him to her in the first place. He thought it is really a waste to give up, which i agreed but I thought that if he were to be unhappy, it would be better to break up sooner than later. 

Anyway, that was how it led to the cuddling moment, and I just like the vibes we have together. It's just cuddly; cozy and just really nice. Anyway, after I told him the story, he said this was the real reason why I didn't want to do it subconsciously. I was stunned when he said that, because I hadn't thought of that. He asked if I wasn't ready because I didn't know what will happen in the future and wouldn't want to give my first to someone if I was still uncertain. He assured me that he would do his best to reassure me, and that he could understand why I would feel that way. 

He told me that he would wait, and hugged me. He said that it is fine, he would meet my family first. I told him we have a long way to go; our mutual friends don't know about us (we don't intend to tell everyone but rather, we shouldn't feel the need to hide). He agreed and we said we would take it slow as it comes along.

Anyway so when I was about to send him back, he professed his love and obviously wanted the same words said back. I couldn't bring myself to say it, which he felt really sad. I told him my reason why I can't say it because I would only say it when I truly am sure and I needed more time. He said we were probably not on the same page and that he needed to pace himself slower for me. I couldn't respond to that because I do agree.

I told him that I would not stop him from saying such words, but I just needed more time. Getting there but time is still the important factor for me. I can't lie for nuts. Anyway I told him that I still care for him because he is my "baos". He said that he would not use the 3 letters word to pace himself and make himself less disappointed. 

But after saying that, he squinted at me for a few seconds, before hugging me and saying that he would still say "i love you".

His point was that he doesn't need to wait for the moment to say it (I.e. when the time is long enough, when the feels is there). He believes that commitment is most impt and that it should be said to express the feelings. 

I asked him what does he like about me: he said that he liked that I'm considerate and I'm putting in effort as he is into the relationship. Not sure where the consideration comes from but yeah. Maybe I will ask him again.

I asked him how he knows its love, and he says that's no textbook feeling about love and it's different(?) for everyone. Strange right hahaha

Thoughts

 Thought I should write my thoughts down in preparation for the upcoming conversation on Sunday. Today, I met my boyfriend as usual, but somehow it felt different. Words are not his strong suite but he tries. I feel like a concern I may have is that he likes me just because I'm his girlfriend. I know that to most of the guys, they wouldn't make the girls their girlfriends if they didn't have feelings for her. But I think his words were not really words of affirmation, but rather just to flirt and please me without any real depth. 

Somehow it felt like he isn't really looking at me, but rather looking at me because I'm the girl he got "lucky" with, and he still indulges in that happiness. 

 Also, we've been meeting frequently, although it is now reduced to twice a week. It feels like we don't really have much to talk, which I was fine with it. However, I think I've started to become more uncomfortable because it is starting to be increasingly sexual i.e. he starts to pester me with kisses and more handsy.

He did respect my wish when I told him about the butt, but to be frank, isn't it common sense? Guess it doesn't apply to him.

Just 4 days ago, the girl he had a past with texted him while we were together, asking if he would celebrate her birthday with her. To be frank, I already told him that I didn't like it and would even prefer that he cut off with her. But he said that if he could salvage the friendship, he wanted to try. 

I just thought that if it is broken, with feelings still there, I think it is impossible to salvage. Anyway, he met her for dinner and thought that she certainly didn't have feelings for him anymore. But at the same time, I still cannot trust the girl's words, because she is always contacting him. Even though it's for a project now, it just didn't seem right. And now this birthday? 

I told him he should do the right thing, and he looked confused. He said there was no right or wrong, but he intended to eat dinner with her for just 1-2 hours. He asked me for my opinion, which I said no. I told him to celebrate a belated birthday instead of the actual day, and he still asked me what's the difference between an actual day and a week later. Gosh, I was kind of annoyed.

I think from these few instances, it felt like he wasn't able to put himself in my shoes, and consider how I would feel. Even though he did ask me for my opinions, his suggestions already showed to me that he wasn't really able to consider my feelings. 

He was just happy that he has a girlfriend now, that's the horrible thought I have now. 

Today, he was really chatty, and clingy. I hate clingy guys, and I hinted to him. He said he gave me personal space by not texting me where I am and stuff, just that when he was with me physically, he gets clingy. He asked me if I liked it, and to be frank, I'm fine if it's once in a while, but for the past few meetings, he has been like this. I don't really like it now.

Sometimes he acts like a 5 years old boy, with pouting and all. I prefer mature guys, but he has been quite childish now, which makes it hard for me. I get that guys tend to be more childish in front of girls they like, but that is a little too much.

Although I didn't intend to, our conversation suddenly steered to the meeting frequency. I asked if it is okay to meet once a week, and he didn't look too happy. After some persistence from me, he admitted that he was the kind of person who wanted to spend time physically with the person he likes, and didn't think we were meeting that frequently (well, he said he missed me at the start, so I can tell that 4 days break was still too much for him). He is certainly way more infatuated than I am, which I think meeting once a week would help to reduce this infatuation, and let him look at me more. We'd also treasure the time together even more, but to him, he was afraid that the feelings may fade.

On the other hand, if our feelings fade, then perhaps we weren't meant to be, right? If not, it would get stronger over time, I think. 

What are we missing in our relationship, and how can we improve it?

1. Consider cutting frequency to once a week, for more personal space and to see if we can grow stronger from there. 

2. Stop all the physical touchiness every time we meet. Once in a while is fine, but not always. 

3. To be more considerate of my partner's feelings i.e. not drinking with my guy friend, because there is always a chance of something going wrong and I wouldn't risk it if I treasure my partner. 

4. Find something we can do together i.e. cycling, meet his friend. I'm okay with meeting his friend now. 

Worries

 I'm just a bit worried about our relationship. Generally, I feel that he is a good boyfriend. He has been pampering me with a lot of sweet words. For example, last week I had asked him how he felt about our 2 months together and he said, "The more I get to know you, the more I like you." 

/cues heart melt/

I think what he lacks a little is empathy in terms of situations like if I'm having pains (but he is super considerate about my hearing, which I'm quite happy about). I guess it was touching when he brought an extra bottle of hot water just for me when he knew I was having cramps.

While he doesn't really give in to my whims (I.e. I asked if we could go to eat ramen, he would suggest another place, but that's fine because it could be that he wasn't up to it), he loves to ask me for photos, etc. 

Haha, sometimes I think I pamper him more than he pampers me. But I like how he cuddles me, and showers me with words of affection.

I guess there won't always be equal effort on both parties. Although it is ideal, there will be times that I would put in more effort, or he would put in more effort. 

I like him, but I don't think I can say I love him. It would sound very forced. I don't know how much I like him, but I still adore him. I know he is loyal and dependable.

It's fun to bully him, but sometimes I feel that he is really quite smart and I would start to feel a bit inferior. 

But yknow what? 

I have seen much more things than him, and I've been through more harder things than this, which makes me who I am. He is a small part of my life now, but when the time comes, he'll gradually become a bigger piece without me doing anything.

Perhaps it is time to meet his friend, just to know how he behaves around his close friend and so that I would have more confidence in him as a person. 

I just know he would put on an extrovert personality around his friends, but I'm unsure about his friend. In fact, I'm worried that the friend would judge me and let him know about what he thinks of me. And if he has a bad impression of me... gg. 

But again, bad impression doesn't mean anything. I'm just worried what if I can't get along w his friend? I wouldn't want my bf to be stuck in the middle of the two of us. 

While I should be nice to his friends, at the same time I want to be who I am, so they can accurately evaluate if we are compatible in the long run since they would know each of us longer. 

But again, I just hope my hearing would not put his friend off, and i hope the friend has the patience to get to know me better before putting forward any words about me to my bf. 

Also, I'm worried about the living habits of my bf, and if we live together, would it be a deal breaker? I think it is best if he comes over to see how I live, so he will know what he is getting into and what kind of expectation I would have.

Sigh, one thing at a time!

Boyfriend

We decided to give it a try. We both saw potential in this relationship and decided to give it a go, and enjoy the process.

When I'm with him, I sometimes don't think properly. I just want to enjoy his presence, and it didn't feel strange. While he has been putting in effort, I've not been sure if my feelings would grow. 

Today was the first time I saw how good of a boyfriend he is for me. He was very open about how he was interested in me, how he wanted to handle his past, and as a sensitive person, he understood me. He wanted my approval in how he would want to handle the situation, and to be frank, I was amazed that he was so transparent and wanted me to be involved to lessen my worries. 

He called my jealousy cute, yet he tried to reassure me. Again, very impressed by how reassuring he is, and how much he wanted me. 

It was nice to see how he thought far, and wanted to keep things chill yet fun. Think I'll look forward to more shared memories with him, and I'm gradually excited about it. 

Influence

People do say that a person's past says a lot about him. I do believe in that, and in the past, I would never let myself like someone with a fwb past. I thought it meant that this person would not know the meaning of treasuring one's body, but over time, I've came to realise that everyone's decision is to be respected. Some have their own preference of enjoying sex, and some think that it is not okay to be giving away your body freely. Everyone is unique and having preferences is just fine with me.

Now, I'm feeling conflicted. I don't know if I like him as more than friends, or do I like the fact that he seems so clear about his interest in me? Of course, a clear indication of interest means there is no confusion, and that's something I like.

Would I just let a guy touch me? I think I would, but just not any guys. Close guy friends also don't touch me, except hugging. Am I supposed to sense some butterflies when I meet him? I currently do face a little nervousness, but that's about it.

He is not as driven as I thought. In fact he is quite chill. He is physically attractive, except his height. I do like to talk to him, except that nowadays, he has been teasing me more than giving me substance to think about. I like to be intellectually stimulated, but right now I don't feel that way. I think we have to talk more about our vulnerable sides.

Without opening up, how can I see him for who he is? I don't have to force myself to like him, or be anxious about it. I think it is crucial to see him for who he is, and be clear about my dislikes (i.e. name-calling).

I want to take it slow. I want to just enjoy time with him, not because I want a relationship/ time to get into one. That's stupid. It wouldn't last if I felt that way. I really do like tall guys because they give me a sense of security, and masculinity. But that is a good to have, I guess.

My friend's opinion of him has really influenced my thinking of him. At first, I couldn't wait to meet him and talk to him. Now, I feel like I'm observing him critically if he is a pervert or not i.e. hidden motive. Not all guys are monsters, so I need to believe in some good.

Let's have zero expectations. I don't have to force myself to like him, but just stay in the present moment. I can do this, I am strong enough to make decisions without others influencing me.