Thoughts

 Thought I should write my thoughts down in preparation for the upcoming conversation on Sunday. Today, I met my boyfriend as usual, but somehow it felt different. Words are not his strong suite but he tries. I feel like a concern I may have is that he likes me just because I'm his girlfriend. I know that to most of the guys, they wouldn't make the girls their girlfriends if they didn't have feelings for her. But I think his words were not really words of affirmation, but rather just to flirt and please me without any real depth. 

Somehow it felt like he isn't really looking at me, but rather looking at me because I'm the girl he got "lucky" with, and he still indulges in that happiness. 

 Also, we've been meeting frequently, although it is now reduced to twice a week. It feels like we don't really have much to talk, which I was fine with it. However, I think I've started to become more uncomfortable because it is starting to be increasingly sexual i.e. he starts to pester me with kisses and more handsy.

He did respect my wish when I told him about the butt, but to be frank, isn't it common sense? Guess it doesn't apply to him.

Just 4 days ago, the girl he had a past with texted him while we were together, asking if he would celebrate her birthday with her. To be frank, I already told him that I didn't like it and would even prefer that he cut off with her. But he said that if he could salvage the friendship, he wanted to try. 

I just thought that if it is broken, with feelings still there, I think it is impossible to salvage. Anyway, he met her for dinner and thought that she certainly didn't have feelings for him anymore. But at the same time, I still cannot trust the girl's words, because she is always contacting him. Even though it's for a project now, it just didn't seem right. And now this birthday? 

I told him he should do the right thing, and he looked confused. He said there was no right or wrong, but he intended to eat dinner with her for just 1-2 hours. He asked me for my opinion, which I said no. I told him to celebrate a belated birthday instead of the actual day, and he still asked me what's the difference between an actual day and a week later. Gosh, I was kind of annoyed.

I think from these few instances, it felt like he wasn't able to put himself in my shoes, and consider how I would feel. Even though he did ask me for my opinions, his suggestions already showed to me that he wasn't really able to consider my feelings. 

He was just happy that he has a girlfriend now, that's the horrible thought I have now. 

Today, he was really chatty, and clingy. I hate clingy guys, and I hinted to him. He said he gave me personal space by not texting me where I am and stuff, just that when he was with me physically, he gets clingy. He asked me if I liked it, and to be frank, I'm fine if it's once in a while, but for the past few meetings, he has been like this. I don't really like it now.

Sometimes he acts like a 5 years old boy, with pouting and all. I prefer mature guys, but he has been quite childish now, which makes it hard for me. I get that guys tend to be more childish in front of girls they like, but that is a little too much.

Although I didn't intend to, our conversation suddenly steered to the meeting frequency. I asked if it is okay to meet once a week, and he didn't look too happy. After some persistence from me, he admitted that he was the kind of person who wanted to spend time physically with the person he likes, and didn't think we were meeting that frequently (well, he said he missed me at the start, so I can tell that 4 days break was still too much for him). He is certainly way more infatuated than I am, which I think meeting once a week would help to reduce this infatuation, and let him look at me more. We'd also treasure the time together even more, but to him, he was afraid that the feelings may fade.

On the other hand, if our feelings fade, then perhaps we weren't meant to be, right? If not, it would get stronger over time, I think. 

What are we missing in our relationship, and how can we improve it?

1. Consider cutting frequency to once a week, for more personal space and to see if we can grow stronger from there. 

2. Stop all the physical touchiness every time we meet. Once in a while is fine, but not always. 

3. To be more considerate of my partner's feelings i.e. not drinking with my guy friend, because there is always a chance of something going wrong and I wouldn't risk it if I treasure my partner. 

4. Find something we can do together i.e. cycling, meet his friend. I'm okay with meeting his friend now. 

Worries

 I'm just a bit worried about our relationship. Generally, I feel that he is a good boyfriend. He has been pampering me with a lot of sweet words. For example, last week I had asked him how he felt about our 2 months together and he said, "The more I get to know you, the more I like you." 

/cues heart melt/

I think what he lacks a little is empathy in terms of situations like if I'm having pains (but he is super considerate about my hearing, which I'm quite happy about). I guess it was touching when he brought an extra bottle of hot water just for me when he knew I was having cramps.

While he doesn't really give in to my whims (I.e. I asked if we could go to eat ramen, he would suggest another place, but that's fine because it could be that he wasn't up to it), he loves to ask me for photos, etc. 

Haha, sometimes I think I pamper him more than he pampers me. But I like how he cuddles me, and showers me with words of affection.

I guess there won't always be equal effort on both parties. Although it is ideal, there will be times that I would put in more effort, or he would put in more effort. 

I like him, but I don't think I can say I love him. It would sound very forced. I don't know how much I like him, but I still adore him. I know he is loyal and dependable.

It's fun to bully him, but sometimes I feel that he is really quite smart and I would start to feel a bit inferior. 

But yknow what? 

I have seen much more things than him, and I've been through more harder things than this, which makes me who I am. He is a small part of my life now, but when the time comes, he'll gradually become a bigger piece without me doing anything.

Perhaps it is time to meet his friend, just to know how he behaves around his close friend and so that I would have more confidence in him as a person. 

I just know he would put on an extrovert personality around his friends, but I'm unsure about his friend. In fact, I'm worried that the friend would judge me and let him know about what he thinks of me. And if he has a bad impression of me... gg. 

But again, bad impression doesn't mean anything. I'm just worried what if I can't get along w his friend? I wouldn't want my bf to be stuck in the middle of the two of us. 

While I should be nice to his friends, at the same time I want to be who I am, so they can accurately evaluate if we are compatible in the long run since they would know each of us longer. 

But again, I just hope my hearing would not put his friend off, and i hope the friend has the patience to get to know me better before putting forward any words about me to my bf. 

Also, I'm worried about the living habits of my bf, and if we live together, would it be a deal breaker? I think it is best if he comes over to see how I live, so he will know what he is getting into and what kind of expectation I would have.

Sigh, one thing at a time!

Boyfriend

We decided to give it a try. We both saw potential in this relationship and decided to give it a go, and enjoy the process.

When I'm with him, I sometimes don't think properly. I just want to enjoy his presence, and it didn't feel strange. While he has been putting in effort, I've not been sure if my feelings would grow. 

Today was the first time I saw how good of a boyfriend he is for me. He was very open about how he was interested in me, how he wanted to handle his past, and as a sensitive person, he understood me. He wanted my approval in how he would want to handle the situation, and to be frank, I was amazed that he was so transparent and wanted me to be involved to lessen my worries. 

He called my jealousy cute, yet he tried to reassure me. Again, very impressed by how reassuring he is, and how much he wanted me. 

It was nice to see how he thought far, and wanted to keep things chill yet fun. Think I'll look forward to more shared memories with him, and I'm gradually excited about it. 

Influence

People do say that a person's past says a lot about him. I do believe in that, and in the past, I would never let myself like someone with a fwb past. I thought it meant that this person would not know the meaning of treasuring one's body, but over time, I've came to realise that everyone's decision is to be respected. Some have their own preference of enjoying sex, and some think that it is not okay to be giving away your body freely. Everyone is unique and having preferences is just fine with me.

Now, I'm feeling conflicted. I don't know if I like him as more than friends, or do I like the fact that he seems so clear about his interest in me? Of course, a clear indication of interest means there is no confusion, and that's something I like.

Would I just let a guy touch me? I think I would, but just not any guys. Close guy friends also don't touch me, except hugging. Am I supposed to sense some butterflies when I meet him? I currently do face a little nervousness, but that's about it.

He is not as driven as I thought. In fact he is quite chill. He is physically attractive, except his height. I do like to talk to him, except that nowadays, he has been teasing me more than giving me substance to think about. I like to be intellectually stimulated, but right now I don't feel that way. I think we have to talk more about our vulnerable sides.

Without opening up, how can I see him for who he is? I don't have to force myself to like him, or be anxious about it. I think it is crucial to see him for who he is, and be clear about my dislikes (i.e. name-calling).

I want to take it slow. I want to just enjoy time with him, not because I want a relationship/ time to get into one. That's stupid. It wouldn't last if I felt that way. I really do like tall guys because they give me a sense of security, and masculinity. But that is a good to have, I guess.

My friend's opinion of him has really influenced my thinking of him. At first, I couldn't wait to meet him and talk to him. Now, I feel like I'm observing him critically if he is a pervert or not i.e. hidden motive. Not all guys are monsters, so I need to believe in some good.

Let's have zero expectations. I don't have to force myself to like him, but just stay in the present moment. I can do this, I am strong enough to make decisions without others influencing me.

First Date

Today (or rather yesterday), I went out with him for the first time, face to face. In conclusion, I'm not sure about him as I like him (not very much romantically though). I guess it's because his humour hasn't resonated with me much, but otherwise; he is considerate, thoughtful and nice.

Pretty flirty too.

We kinda touched hands, with him comparing the length of my fingers. And he stood very near to me even when ordering food, even though it hasn't been a few minutes since we met each other.

He touched my arms, my shoulders, and even preened my hair. Not forgetting that he also held a few strands of my hair to stroke it. He also helped to push my hair away to see my earring while we were comparing earrings.

He noticed the small things, such as making sure to walk on my predominant side (unsure if he saw my other blog, but I doubt), and my bruise.

He also made sure to guide me through the crowd while I was busy on my phone. He shared his drink with me (though I refused later on), carried my shopping bag and walked me home (though I walked him to the station instead). Perhaps because I've been walked (to hall), I didn't find it heart fluttering.

My heart did flutter when he touched my ear though.

He said "wah why you so nice and walk me to the station?". I said; manners. He then said "is it only manners?".

I didn't want him to feel sad so I said well, half manners. He then said, what's the other half?

I rly hate cheesy or sweet talking, so I managed to make an excuse by saying well, because you helped to carry my things.

I guess I'm great at snaking around this.

Anyway, I think overall it has been an okay-ish date? We couldn't do much activities so it was kind of boring, except walking and talking.

I guess it's okay not to be sure at the beginning, although I hope he does not pop the question anytime soon (think he is more infatuated with me than I am with him).

I'm more emotionally independent while he is kind of emotionally attached already.

Guess we will see how it goes. I can imagine him in my life, but I still don't know if I can love him romantically yet?

Truth

Just three days ago, I finally took the courage to tell him, and to my surprise, he knew. He said he wasn't sure of the specifics but he already had known a junior has this problem. I was surprised and felt a little stupid. He said that I'm doing fine, I went to mainstream schools and all. He then asked me seriously if I ever had any negative reception after telling people, and I thought maybe I did. But now that I think it, it's the people's true colours that scare me. In primary school, there was always a problem of knowing who were my friends. Girls that I trusted suddenly would admit that they wouldn't want to be friends and I think that contributed to me being fearful of rejection, or people I trusted enough only showed their true colours after I told them. Sometimes I felt that telling people would cause them to give me special treatment which I absolutely hated. I hated being treated so special just because of this problem. But overall, he didn't show much reaction except commenting that I sounded quite sad and heavy, although I've been injecting a lot of laughter (I tried to sound light), but guess that it had been bothering me a lot. Anyway I kinda told him that I'm glad it's out of the way now.

He then had two stories to tell me and I told him he could start with whatever he was comfortable with. He said he could tell me any of them, and asked me to choose. I decided to go for the more recent one, and after hearing his story (which could possibly be a deal breaker), somehow I was fine with it. I didn't feel jealousy, pain or shock, but I dealt with it. I said that was between two consenting parties, so that's that. Nothing much to say, and I really meant it. After the htht, I messaged him and thanked him for telling me the story (tried to keep it light-hearted). It was good that he was honest with me, and didn't try to hide. He told me I was the second girl to know the full story (first one has been a friend he needed advice from), and that was touching. It's a bit strange how we are getting to know each other before we even meet face to face, but I can tell he is looking forward to it a lot. I hope I won't disappoint him too much, but I'm just gonna be myself. 

I think it has been 6 weeks since I started texting him everyday, and 3 weeks since we first started skyping each other. With the recent htht, the anticipation has been building up. But I think we promised each other that we would just enjoy the process, and just figure out where it is heading. 

There are some flaws that striked me today, although I wasn't too sure. It seemed that he took his friend a little bit for granted, and I nearly wanted to tell him there are no free lunches in the world. He is expected to pay back even if they are super good friends, unless the friend has explicitly said it is alright and that it can be paid forward in the future. But I think it's not my place to say so, because every bond's dynamic is different. I just hope he won't expect me to come to his aid when it comes to money, because it is a separate issue. I'm not being calculative, but I'm a realist. Just hope that he doesn't expect his childhood friend to do things for him, cause that's not how friendship works. Anyway I don't know the childhood friend so we'll see. 

Other than that, he is rocking that smile well haha it is adorable to see him put his head on the sofa, and flash his teeth at me. 

As for the rest, I guess I'll observe if there are any changes in his behaviour towards me, and I'm gonna try to maintain my own with him.

Afterall, knowing a person for 6 weeks isn't going to amount too much especially since we haven't met face to face. Although we met last semester and knew of each other's existence, it is still important to know the chemistry between each other when we meet. 

While I obviously hope things turn out well, I am keeping expectations low. I believe we need to know a person at least 3 months before going into anything serious. I may get disappointed, but I promise myself to see who he is, and his flaws, and strengths. If I were to get together with him, I have to accept what made him him, and that includes his past. I'm also a little sorry for the girl, since she hasn't been able to get over him.

Hope he won't be a fake nice guy, or a dick. Hahaha but he has been telling me he isn't a dick but who would admit right? I don't know haha all I feel is that I should take it slow and enjoy the present moments.

If it comes, it comes.

Take it slow

It has been a month or so since we started texting each other. Think we are gradually becoming closer. I've been continuously telling myself to slow down, stay present in the moment, and just enjoy.

While I continue to struggle how I can approach the subject, my good friend told me that hey, it isn't a deal breaker even for him as a guy. That was reassuring when he said that.

But still, I know that it can be tiring to compromise that much for the girl.

I enjoy seeing and talking to him (even though it's online) and he has been making it clear to me that he thought the same. So far he has been enjoying our conversations, and I sense that he is trying to see if things can move beyond that.

I'm still afraid to tell him. But I realise that I have to be fair to him too. Assuming that when he realises that it is not what he has signed up for, it will be okay. Everyone has their own preferences. As he always tell me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I will make an effort for things to progress, but I won't force it if it doesn't happen. It will definitely be a pity, because I genuinely like his smile, and he can be quite mature when he wants to be.

It has been a month, which means it should be time for me to tell him right? People have been telling me it wouldn't make a difference if I tell him earlier or not, but I feel like it does. Telling him earlier would have changed his own perception about me, but telling him later would allow him to form his own judgement for me before knowing it.

I don't know how to be fair to him and myself. While I'm kind of interested, I also don't want to waste our time if it is a deal breaker. While I want him to chase me, I also don't want him to find out that I may not be what he wants.

We are still getting to know each other. We text mundane stuff, but I feel that it is normal. He is very straightforward that it catches me off guard.

I almost hurt him by rejecting him, but that was because I misheard him. Think I should tell him soon, so that it will not cause misunderstandings.

Okay, I think sooner or later, I will tell him. Even though doing it face to face may be better, there's still two more weeks to go. There's also no guarantee that I can be out of the house so soon as well.

My friend still treated me normally. My colleagues also do that, and they almost forgot that I have some difficulties at times. Not sure if that is a good sign though?

It's time for me to focus on my work properly. I'm not a kid, I have to learn how to manage my emotions and work. Personal matters stay personal; I've got a job to excel and learn the best I can. It won't be fair to the company if I keep getting distracted for the past weeks.

I do think I may like you. I don't think I've been myself so much or feel kind of at home when I talk to you. It's strange how we knew each other for at least six months before this and I never made an effort to talk to you. Now this happens. It is now a habit to say good night to you everyday. Feels like a couple huh?

Whether it is an infatuation or not, time will tell. Whether it is meant to be, I have no control so why worry? Just give it my best shot, and whatever outcome, I'll accept it. It may shoot me in the ego so badly that I might be crippled, but hey we are all humans. We all have preferences and that's alright. I want to have zero expectation that he will accept me for who I am. I am independent (though I don't feel that way lately), and I can take care of myself.

If it doesn't work out, so what? It's also a blessing because it means that I have more time to myself without committing to another person. I get to do what I want, without thinking of the teamwork. That's the brighter side of things haha yknow what, this really does make me feel better now. I love being alone too, able to make decisions freely, and just playing the role for my family.

If we ever get together, it will just be a topping on top of my already existing ice  cream. I have so many things that I might have taken for granted, but I can work more on improving myself if it doesn't work out. You are not a necessity to my well being, because only I can take care of myself. Loving myself. I don't need to have a relationship to thrive.

Take it slow. Take it slow. Take it slow.