Ok so there's this adult who I trusted and told her some stuff... and she decided to call my parents and then she hinted to them she knew about those stuff and I'm fucking pissed off with her. I think this grudge won't fade fast because hello, just because you called them doesn't mean I'll do your bidding. Once this shitty exam is over, I'll call it quits. I'll bear with it till the exam is over.
Sometimes, I think I can see him as a friend. I don't really get jealous with my friend but I find relief that she is there or things will be awkward between me and him... Anyway, sometimes I tell myself I can do it. I can stop liking him because he so obviously doesn't see me in that way, and our friendship is good enough. But yesterday, I really had a good time with him and my friends and... oh god this feeling started to ignite again.
I'm going to tell myself he doesn't matter. Sure, I learn a lot from him. He's one of those few people I truly look up to. But I won't let my eyes, who only see him, take my future away from me. I won't let these feelings stop me from succeeding. In the first place, succeeding may also make him look at him haha. Right now, my utmost priority is to gear myself up for prelims. Consultations are very important. I've to stop running away and face my studies really properly. I need to do this right. I need to show everyone I'm not some shoveover.
But I place some priority on friendships because it is what drives me through college. College is really tough... Right now, I need to study hard because there is always a right time for the right thing. Right now its studying. Next is playing. Then studying. Playing can mean cycling, swimming, etc... Reading mangas destresses me but on the flip side, it distresses me WAY TOO MUCH till I get distracted and get my priorities wrong. So right now, there are two options.
1) Don't read manga
2) Read manga (only the latest chapters of the ongoing ones)
I think option 2 is really impossible for me because I end up reading from scratch. So perhaps... I need to choose option 1 even though it'll be torturing. If I choose option 1, I need another way to distress. The question is, what. Running? (nah it's not my thing even though its indeed healthy) Cycling? (I don't owe a bicycle) Swimming? (my parents don't even allow me to go swimming by myself when I have the urge and that occurs in the mid noon and they are not even at home to.. watch over me?) I need a freaking hobby... How how how?
Okay next, how should I improve mathematics and physics?
When I do papers, I see no point because to me, it's just reading the solutions since I mostly don't know how to do them. I revise and after that, maybe I can do. But without touching maths for about 1 to 2 weeks, I forget everything (I'm not even exaggerating and it frustrates me)
Consultation: My maths mentor is way better than my tutor. Good. Physics, how how how. Ask my friends (sometimes I don't get them) and ask my tutor (he's quite useless sometimes)
I don't have much options but let's face it. There are so many things in life that cannot be controlled. STUDIES IS SOMETHING I HAVE CONTROL OVER. So this is something I want to excel. I want to do well so that I can stand on the stage with my friends and I want to very proudly tell my relatives and friends that yes, I lived my college life to the fullest, academically, and friendship wise. Friendship wise, I'm doing well in that area. So right now, it's time to focus academically. I will have to give up mangas till after A level. This is my resolve, BUT SERIOUSLY HOW ELSE DO I RELAX? I'm not a fan of music.... only japanese music....
Ahhhh my huge dilemma. But I really have to give up manga if I am serious about A level. This is the truth.
Time to focus on this!!
