Lessons in 2016

2016 is almost ending and I'm just full of sighs. In just 13 weeks or more, I've learnt a lot from my school life.

1. Don't trust people easily - I might have thought that having gone through many projects and experiences together, my friend and I would have gotten closer. Boy was I wrong. They may be all smiles but behind my back, they are plotting things for their very own interest. It's definitely human nature to want things to be in their own favor so I can't blame them for not discussing issues with me. Leaving me out for 3 months... Honestly, I've reached a point where I do not care about people who don't return the effort I put in them. They just aren't worth it.

2. Sometimes, trying to correct a mistake make it worse instead - I've learnt this disastrous lesson during the hall camp as stated in an earlier post. I've regretted it yet I don't know if not doing anything about it is equally bad as well.

3. Some things just aren't meant to be. The fact that the people I like are attached or don't swing that way unfortunately just means that we just aren't meant to be together. The right one will come along.

4. Life is an irony. What comes round comes again. I really had a heart attack when I saw that I have two of the same classes as the guy in camp. THE SAME GUY. What are the chances?!?!?! How am I going to concentrate on lessons with him around? Should I ignore him/ face him and tell him the truth? Will it make it worse anyway? Or is it just to make myself better yet becoming EVEN more awkward? He already is onto a girl (my senior who might be two faced but I'm just going to give her a benefit of doubt). I'm so confused. If only life is a book and I know what will happen next.

5. What is the point of faking things? I'm still pondering about this. So that it won't be hurtful to another person even if you don't like him? What about faking friendship?

6. Don't let people take advantage of you - I was in disbelief when a guy I barely know came to me and asked for my extra exam questions. AND EVEN MORE SO that I didn't question him and let him put his thumbdrive into my laptop and transferred the data for him. He's legit thick skinned...

7. Some people just don't give a reason why they leave your life. You just don't know if you did something wrong or not. Just remember to reflect upon myself, and improve from there.

8. Regardless, I will get hurt again and again but I just need to suck it up and move on.

Well, it just isn't all negatives uh! I've had the privilege to experience some brotherhood and it was truly fun last semester. Even my classmates were amazing (except a few). I guess nothing is forever. Next semester will be full of anxiety and I don't know what to do.

A few things to note:

1) Have an end goal in mind. What do I want? Complete my degree (although getting a job is more of my primary concern tbh)

2) Be appreciative towards my friends - do not put in more effort than what you get back

3) My results are important. I need to know how to balance my time, as well as start studying sooner than later to put less stress on myself.

4) Be thankful for the privileges I have. I read online that privileges can mean things that are out of your control. Like my parents. My parents just happen to be hardworking and supportive, although their naggings are a whole new level - can you imagine getting nagged for 1.5 hrs and that is just the bare minimum?

5) I need to be healthy. I feel that I'm losing strength. Need to exercise to get rid of my stress. Eat healthily... Also in preparation for the crazy semester ahead.

6) Fulfill my gender job since my family is traditional. Can't say that my husband will not be traditional...

Reflection

Last night, I was listening to my brother and little cousin discussing on how to best plan her time for her upcoming major exam in like, 3 weeks? I saw how my brother started working backwards and how he actually wrecked his books for the first three weeks (he claimed he felt prepared despite not going to school). I guess I'm different from him because I can lack self-discipline. I have to be out to actually study (and it worked).

Anyway, I was observing how my little cousin looked up to my brother gratefully. I suddenly started to reflect that I am actually quite satisfied with my life right now. Even though there is still three more years before I am really done with studies, I'm grateful to have found friends in university. Even though I couldn't find any girl to click in my hall group, I found one in my course! And not forgetting that there are guy friends in my course who makes me feel so at ease.

I have found friends I truly can trust to stand with me through difficult times. I know even though we are studying in different schools, we are always best friends. I also recently talked to my secondary school friend and told her about the incident. I know that she is the type to think objectively. She told me it wasn't my fault. It was truly nobody's fault. She also advised me to realise that I shouldn't ruin my experience in school just because of a single guy. Now, I don't think about it because I wholeheartedly agree with her statement. He probably has found someone he likes (aka my senior but I can't really support them because it feels strange) so since he is happy, why shouldn't I be? Yup, that's my thinking now.

I am also grateful towards my parents who are so willing to come down to fetch me and my brother home to cut down travelling time. Even though it has been about at least 7 weeks since I shifted to hall, I am starting to realise how much I miss my parents' support and faith in me. Even though my father is always constantly questioning my studies (it does make me feel like he doesn't trust me), I still love them.

I also remember how much I really loved my grandmother and despite the language barrier between us, we always knew we loved each other. When I was young, I took for granted that she was always going to be there. Of course, she had never showed any signs of illness until that day. Now that I think about it, I really do miss her. I also know that she is always looking out for me. No matter what I do, I am quite sure she'll say "mei guan xi". Even after her death, her love is still endless. 

I am at the age where I think it is time to find a partner. But I won't rush it. I know that if I really do like him, I'll create more opportunities with him. Even though right now my guy friends are all unavailable, they are sincerely good people and I'm grateful to encounter them unlike my hall people.

Since school started, I realized that it is alright to be alone. It is really perfectly alright to be myself. Sometimes, I'll be done with socializing and I'll hide in a wrap around myself. To be honest, I don't trust people easily. I smile, yes, but in my heart, I have to access you if you are really worth it.

This week is going to be truly hectic. But I'm just going to tell myself that if I put effort that is amountable to what I best can do, I will get satisfying results. 

Alone, I'll have to find the motivation in me to do my work. It is time to step up my game. I don't have to prove to anyone how "smart" I can be, but I want to prove to myself that I can leave a satisfying mark on my life. 

I will always tell myself, quoting The Rock, "When life puts you in tough situations, don't say "Why me?". Just say "Try me."

Orientation

Hello, so I've just started my new university classes~ So far it's kind of tough but I know I can pull through it! Anyway, during orientation, I was paired up with this guy who is tall and lean. At first I didn't think much of him because judging his looks, I thought it was not possible for us to even remain as friends. But, on the first day, I was shocked and touched by his kindness.

After playing a particular game on a flat piece of land, we had to climb up a really steep slope to get back on the main road. A girl in my group had slipped and slid down the slope before so we were really cautious. I was gathering my shoes and suddenly, he appeared beside me. I looked at him with saucer eyes and he smiled, putting out his hand.

"Do you need help?"

I was really stunned, and knowing that it wasn't polite to refuse him, I accepted his hand. So we went up the slope hand in hand, with him behind me to provide support. I slipped once but he was there to push me up.

I muttered a small thank you before I ran off to be with my friends.

Then, on the second day, we had a conflict but it was probably me thinking too much.

We were talking on one of the walks. He commented that the girls always had to listen to the guys stories about army. I agreed and I continued, "So I had this friend who is sort of feminine and he always complains...."

Disaster struck when we reached our destination. Some of my group mates were there already and he blurted out "Hey, she said her "partner"...." I was stunned because it wasn't my "partner" I was referring to, but my friend! However, I was at fault because I didn't correct him on the spot. One of the group mate said "Why did your "partner" say that? Did you ask him to tell you stories?" and I replied "Maybe."

When we got back from the walk, I was regretting my hesitance to correct them. Why was I so reserved? I regretted dragging my "partner" into this too. At night, when we were gathering, I dragged the guy out of the room and told him, "My partner isn't like that. Please don't spread it." He laughed, but little did I know it would be the last time I could make him laugh.

Even later that night, I messaged him, telling him it was a misunderstanding and it was entirely my fault. He replied "It's fine, it is still funny." The next day, we tried talking per normal but I could tell he was really awkward. We finally stopped talking when we had to change pairs.

Until now, I still think perhaps, I shouldn't have said anything. My "partner" wasn't even that amazing for me to sacrifice this potential friendship. But when I think about how I felt back then, without me voicing out, I would have been regretting it now too. I do admit I had a small crush on him because of his kindness. I'm the type of person that looks at the personality, and looks are second. When I like his personality, his looks will gradually grow on me haha.

For the past few days, I couldn't talk to him , always looking away and probably blushing. The incident still hangs heavily on my heart and mind. I am the sort of person who cannot forgive herself for her own weakness.

Last night, we were gathered in a room, helping out gifts for our seniors. He behaved normally around girls except me. It suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps, we just aren't fated to be friends or whatever. We are probably lines that intersect each other once, and drift away. If I can stop it, I would have done so.

The more I look at him, the more I think, perhaps he found me too serious and boring for him. Perhaps that's the sole reason why we cannot interact normally. Either way, I still remember him fondly whenever I think of orientation.

The last thing I cannot forgive myself is that I probably ruined part of his memories of orientation, like how I ruined a part of mine.

I became much more reserved than usual, because now I'm afraid that I could hurt someone without intending to.