Rein in your shit

Okay I thought I got over the infatuation pretty fast but I am starting to realise I still treat him differently from how I treat other guy friends. 

I am constantly trying to knock sense into myself (and it worked for a while), but when he asked if he could drink in my room, I nearly lost it. Knowing him, it won't go beyond anything else but I am afraid of myself of what I might do if I get tipsy. 

So I suggested another place which was more public and I can only wait in anxiety if it would even happen (because we have a lot of other commitments). 

For now, I'm struggling to rein in my feelings and to really just see him as a good friend. But even my friend thought that we were a little too close to be just friends, which is now a warning sign. But when we interact, it felt okay? Like we are close and I think we both enjoy each other's company, but there is always nothing beyond that line because we both know about his partner. I also don't feel jealousy about his partner so I'm a little confused if this is just a crush that will eventually pass.

I guess I'll just see it as just close friends or if not, just a passing crush that will eventually be over. 

I'm not going to entertain anymore nasty thoughts. I'll only think about it if it ever happens but it is 100% not going to happen so what's the point of thinking all these weird things.

Delusion

Well I think I'm having some kind of delusion and it very well goes against my morals.

But it is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just lonely because I have had enough of relationship drama (recent one was around two weeks ago) and I swore to myself I didn't want any part of this anymore.

I've recently gotten closer to a very good friend of mine that we hang out every week. And he's the only person who can make me laugh with his messages (meaning our humour matches well). But we cannot and must not go beyond this friendship as he has a partner.

I very well respect his partner. But his actions confused me a little, but I'm quite sure I've been overthinking it. I really have to take more personal space.

But what's strange is that as a friend, nothing more and nothing less, why would you come to me after you did that wipe? I mean my logical thinking was that you would just go straight back to the vehicle. But you ran towards me in the rain, and my heart started pounding. You then looked back and then you tried to joke before awkwardly giving me a pat on my shoulder. It almost felt like he wanted to just hug me but he was afraid of doing more because we both knew he has a partner and this is out of question.

We are both very morally upright people and I think we were kind of compatible as well. So we flirt a little, but nothing more. There's a line.

It is just unfortunate that we didn't meet earlier because he is a sincerely nice person and I've known him for around 3 years? I guess it is fate.

Inside me, I just can't help having this tiny hope (which is fucking wrong of me) so I really have to make space for both of us. I think the memory of him running in the rain towards me is seared in my mind, and it almost felt like there really is something there. My heart just won't stop pounding (because of shock too).

I think he does like me too as a friend or a sister. But I wish he can be more clearer about the latter. And I have to move on because nothing can ever happen between us. I'm sincerely excited for him and his partner, so that's that. I just want to keep him as a friend or whatever that fate chooses.

I'm trying to calm down, but I realise we text each other almost everyday. We just don't run out of things to say.

But I guess when we graduate; we won't have any excuse to meet up and this infatuation of mine will fade away. So I'm just holding on, waiting for this feeling to fade away.

It has to.

Emotional dustbin

I think there's something weird going on. Why do I attract the strangest people of the opposite sex?

A friend asked me for my opinion regarding his emotional baggage (which I regretted asking) and it really made me realise that he was so emotionally clingy to me. It was not a good feeling; in fact I became frightened.

I'm just not prepared to deal with another drama (hence I put some distance and that led to this shit omg I guess it's like either way: one way or another, it will lead to trouble anyway so why bother thinking lmao). I am not ready to shoulder another person's emotions when mine isn't satisfied? Right now I'm just focused on being independent and liking myself for who I am. I am currently not interested in sacrificing myself for others yet like when they're pessimists. I'm not perfect myself, but it's time to stop looking back but forward. I'm more about improvements. If you made a mistake, reflect and pick yourself up.

I've gone through the tiniest fragment of the harsh reality; and it really discourages and saddens me. But give it time, and tell yourself that this is reality and you have to bear with it, and move on. Keep trying to get better than the you yesterday.

I cannot keep up with holding the negativity when it will affect me one way or another. So you ask me why I don't want to continue this friendship? It's because it takes two hands to clap. I cannot support you as a friend when you are not supportive as a friend to me. If it becomes one sided, its exhausting and I get nothing. Humans are like that. We need to get something out of the friendship. My good friends and me; we enjoy each other's company and humour, and same value roots. That's what I look for. We clearly aren't on the same wavelength anymore and it's hard to know you better. You don't bring up funny topics from class or even life, then what stories can you tell me? Nothing. And I tell you stories.

I'm tired of dealing with this shit. It's a waste of time and I might as well spend time alone. I get to do what I like and it's so much better.

I hope you don't think bad about this. It's just that I believe that every meeting has it's own meanings, led by fate. Some people or even friends leave you after they have fulfilled their purposes of teaching you something. I'm not the right friend that you would want to keep with you. You will definitely find better friends. Just take the cue, let things go when it's meant to be.