New path

 I've connected with a new person on 17 Nov, and started chatting with him since 22 Nov. I first noticed how observant he was when he spotted the link, and it didn't turn him off. 

We arranged to meet on 7 Dec for the first time, and I noted that he felt awkward, yet we still continued the conversation and went off for dessert. At the cafe, what struck me as wholesome was when he started folding paper cranes using the receipt. I know it's weird, but it was effing cute. I helped him, and somehow I got a peek into what teamwork between us would be like.

It felt like I could stand on my own feet to support him, yet he was there to take the lead when necessary. 

We also talked about my lack of 2nd language, and he taught me kindly without losing his patience. I got a glimpse into his personality just like that. He had a really cute smile.

We arranged for the second date for xlb, and that's when I noted how he was very considerate. We talked about his favorite soccer, and went for dessert. This time, we challenged ourselves to fold two paper cranes and two frogs.

3rd date, my friend had extra tickets for an exhibition which she couldn't go. She gave them to us, and we went. I scraped my heels, and he helped to paste the plasters for me. We went window shopping and smelt scents. I realised that our taste in scents are very similar. I was very happy about it. He later told me much later on that I've shown him my smexy side and that I was very pretty that day.

The 4th date was when the spark between us rocketed so high. The chemistry between us felt unreal. This time, I told him that we could do whatever he wanted, and he chose fishes and plants. He wanted to purchase some plants for the aquarium he owned, so we visited a small shop that he frequented. It was really memorable, being surrounded by the spectrum of colors. We then visited the fish farm near his home and pointed out more fishes. He threw his arm around my shoulder for a brief moment, and I was stunned by his gesture. 

In the shuttle bus, we passed by the cemetery and he picked up my emotions. He asked me what happened and I told him about the suicide of my very close friend. I wasn't expecting him to say much and he didn't, but he offered a bit of a perspective that I agreed with him. 

We went for impromptu bowling, and we laughed a lot at my shitty skills. He tried to hype me up, but to no avail. He sent me home, and we chatted till 1am. He told me about his background, and all I thought was that it was very similar to my ex, but in a better place. 

5th date, we went to the beach. He helped to buy takeaway food while I was late. We sat, I took out my umbrella, and we had a htht talk again about goals. I had a goal about self reliance, and he asked me was it because I'm very dependent and I said no. It was more of financial resources as I needed to support myself. He also had that goal in mind, but it was different. He wanted no authority to influence him. We then guessed about each other's life purposes, and I guessed that he wanted to be a pillar of support in his loved ones lives. He looked at me, and said "I've never thought about it that way." 

I told him more things that I regretted, and he listened. On the way back, he held my hands and I felt some butterflies. When he sent me home that night, he hugged and kissed my hair, and said "Don't worry about what you told me this afternoon, it doesn't change anything for me." I was very touched. Nobody had treated me so gently like this person. 

6th date; we sat at the cafe that I frequented and he loved the matcha latte. I taught him to play a game. We then went for more window shopping (despite planning to go for concerts initially), and caught a late movie. I gave in to my desire to cling to him for warmth (and touch). He behaved appropriately, and gave me a reassuring squeeze on the hand. God, this man is such a dream, and sexy as hell.

Whenever I see him, I just wanted to give him all my love, and show him that he deserves it. He has been through a lot of bad stuffs, and I feel that I care a lot about him. He makes me want to keep him happy (his smile, his consideration).

He told me on text that my personality was his type: laidback, kind hearted, conscientious and open minded. I think I did struck off his checklist for looks as well, but I just cannot stand the sight of myself, looking oily and all. I rly hope to take a picture with him one day, but only when I'm more comfortable with myself.

We took a personality quiz, and our core identity is very similar, and love as well. It's crazy how things progresses so well at this point. He's so similar to me that we can relate and understand each other quite well. He's supportive of what I want to do, but at the same time I want to stay so that I can still be with him. But I'd want to continue to improve myself to be a better partner for him.

He deserves my adoration and love (at this point). I needed emotional intimacy, and he's able to give that to me.

He's cute, empathetic, and considerate. I'd love to see how we go from hereon.

Advice from Mentor (?)

 I went for darts and drinks with the teams, and had the chance to sit down with my eye-candy. 

He's 39 years old, but looks like in his early 30s. I can't help but feel attracted to him. I've always been a sucker for brains and decent looks hahaha...

Anyway he shared about career progression. He said there's 3 important things: find out how to be good at your job, learn to know what your boss wants, and lastly, what you want to do. He said the 3rd point is not likely to be uncovered so quickly, it'll take 5-10 years so it's best to focus on point 1.

He said when your career progresses, it is important to choose your boss well. Find a boss that is able to guide you. 

Right now, observe and learn from the different people around.

Success is about being contented with what you have (there's always room for improvement) and having influence of the people around you.

Predictability is also important: show your boss that you can be relied on.

He shared many things; which I couldn't absorb all. But it's very clear we're at different stage of life - he's stable but I'm not.

I'm definitely infatuated with him, and I kind of want to know him better. Heard his personal story is sad, but I wonder what it is.

Lingering Thoughts

 I don't know if I got backstabbed.

My friend/colleague did not tell me she was requested to pitch for a new client. I only found out 5 days later, and I was quite hurt that she did not tell me first when she had the opportunity; but I heard from my boss. 

I worked longer than she did, but somehow my boss hasn't given me the opportunity. I felt so tired of work, tired of trying hard and not been enough. 

I really want to leave; but I cannot find another job. I'm desperate to leave this life because its a vicious cycle. I don't see a way out. 

I'm thinking of speaking to my boss that I'm thinking of transferring out of this account because whatever I do, it's not enough. I'm discouraged, and tired. I'm not recognised enough. 

Or should I speak to HR before I talk to my boss? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll give it a week after I come back to talk to my boss and assess how open she is. 

I really need to leave. 

While VN trip has been great, I've done all sorts of self care as I could do: spa; attractions; enjoying nature. However, my mental care of writing and processing my feelings; I've not yet done it. 

Writing puts structure to my thoughts. For example, in this trip; I wondered if I could have a fwb. My close friend is about to propose. I remember the tiny spark in between us, and I wondered what would have happened that night had either of us crossed the line. Would we still be friends, or would we have translated to something more, or back to strangers?

Then I wondered what can I do if I'm sexually frustrated. Should I find a friend who is open to fuck me, yet still be friends? Or should I go online to have ONS? I kept pondering over these questions.

But I feel that I'm only sexually frustrated when I'm not working. I just want to cuddle with a man, to feel sexy I guess? To feel wanted.

I saw Korean couples wearing matching shirts and how I envy them. They're so cute together. I want someone who can protect me, excite me, and support me. 

Will I be able to find someone like that?

Let it go

 We broke up officially. 

I tried 3 times to persuade him to work on the relationship again but he was not emotionally ready, neither was he sure how soon it'd take for him to recover.

He told me to not wait for him (he didn't want me to be put down like that) and felt that it was not fair to me. 

I said even if I wait, is it really zero chance? He said at the moment, yes. And I heard him mutter "maybe in the future, you never know". After trying my best, I realise that I could finally accept the break up, even though it was stupid.

I asked him for his perspective as to when things went wrong. He said there wasn't any to pinpoint, but rather a domino effect where one thing led to another. He was tired of compromising, and his faith was shaken. He said it'd take a long time, and he didn't want to hold me back, neither is it fair for him to continue the rs half hearted. 

I respected his decision. He said if the stars align, if he has recovered, if I'm still single, and we were both ready to give it another try, then perhaps. 

I said to him; if you still have feelings for me, and you recovered faster than expected, you must contact me. He said okay, but told me again not to wait for him. 

He said if the stars align; if I'm still single, and he has feelings, it'll be up to himself to chase me. I joked and said well I may reject you 3 times as well; and he laughed. He said yes, it'll be his turn to try harder.

I feel sad that it ended like this, but I'm excited to consider new relationships with new guys, hopefully it'll be even more tender and loving. 

As I promised him, I will move on. If a better guy falls on my lap, I will make no mistake. If he chooses to chase me again, we will see the context then.

I want to lose weight, and be more confident about my body. I also want to hang out with friends again. And I want to love someone as well, maybe considering to increase body counts? I don't know hahaha but it'll be fun to see what happens. Let fate take me, bring me to where I am meant to be with.

I fought hard, and I think perhaps the timing isn't great now. So perhaps it's better to break up and reevaluate my choices in partners. It's meant to happen (because he was stubborn, it might have prevented further pain down the road). Whether it's for us to come out stronger, or for us to find more suitable partners, we will see.

I an glad to talk to him for a final time. I didn't realise how much I missed his voice. I enjoyed listening as a final farewell for now.

Decision

 The timeline of end of May is drawing closer. I'm thinking we shouldn't even entertain the idea of balloting first, then talk after, right?

I just spoke to my sibling about my partner's dad and what he thought of me. He said that if he is unimportant, then it doesn't matter. But I'd need to cue my parents to prepare them if they ever meet up.

But my sibling advised me to really think if I'm certain about him. And knowing my family, they can immediately tell if I am unsure. If I take the step, I'd want to let them know that I am sure that I want to be by his side for a lifetime. 

But at this stage, I can't even answer the first layer. When I think back about the "red flags", I didn't like it. They eroded my trust in him. I don't think there was a time I thought to myself that "hey, I want to marry him." Like how he didn't explain to his friend about me properly. He is still patient, but sometimes talks in an arrogant manner that I have to beat some sense into him. I'd say why are you talking so rudely, before he clamps down on his tone. This is how he has been brought up though, so I can't say much. The only time I might have thought that is when he was super considerate to his surroundings.

Reasons to break up:

Firstly, it is his need for physical intimacy. It is so vastly different, and I gave in at least 3 times. Though at times I do want it, he didn't respect my opinions when I didn't want it. He didn't consider how I felt - no cuddling; it's like ok let's get that out of the way, what's the next thing? I don't think the love languages can be changed easily, and I warned him recently that I will not entertain that anymore.

Secondly, his expectation of the future lifestyle isn't really in line of what I wanted initially. He says he doesn't need to get a condo; he says he cannot cook (but he didn't even try). He might be expecting a traditional wife. And he doesn't mind travelling but with a budget. 

He wants me to lower my expectation of the future, but I don't think I'm asking much. All that I ask is that we try to earn as much as we can, ofc not sacrificing other aspects of life. But if I'm given a chance, I want to earn at least 9k - 10k by my 30s. It is a high wishlist, but I'd love a challenge. 

For him, he said he doesn't really want to earn a lot because of pressure. When I see him, he's really not ambitious but he works hard for his colleagues. He treasures friendship I guess... but he dwells in comfort for a very long time and sees no need to upgrade himself.

I'm not sure if it is the right thing to ask me to lower my expectation. Is that fair of him?

Thirdly, the emotional intimacy. I don't feel supported. Even when in Japan, during our only video call, he went to fix his laptop "because it died". It was 11pm and I was tired but I waited for his message to video call. I was deeply disappointed that he didn't seem so excited about it but I guess I can attribute it to his lack of travel experience.

But I treasure his hardworking attitude and laid back personality. It is easy for anyone to get along with him, and he speaks up when he has to. It is admirable that he got this far with his persistence even though he took a longer route.

However, I'm no longer sure if I can see a future with him. I might have a hard time if I continue staying with him. I'm not getting the emotional support I need (unlike guys like SH and P, who are much more understanding of girls). They make me feel like my feelings are validated, which is something we're both lacking a lot. I don't feel that way with him.

Maybe I should ask to meet with him before the 1st week of May to break up, so that we don't have to consider the idea of balloting.

He is a good guy, but I don't have a sense of security with him from then until now. Physical is a no, emotional initmacy is a no, and even financial expectation/ security is a no.

I don't think I can marry him as he is now.