Writing always helps me to clear my thoughts or affirms my goals. It was vday and when the date went well, it didn't exactly end on a high note. I suggested a place which was supposed to be just 16 mins travelling time by bus, but my bf was a little cocky about his sense of direction and kept talking to me without checking his phone. That resulted in us walking more than we had to, thrice, before we found the bus stop. After getting off the bus, it was supposed to be a 2 min walk and we got lost for another time (we crossed the road when we didn't have to). I finally suggested to him to take out his phone and keep the maps app open because I was tired, and hangry.
I was a little pissed off and upset as I had already told him that we had to find a place earlier to book and eat for dinner, but he had repeatedly told me that we could find a place nearby. And he was cocky that he couldn't keep his app open, and still mocked me for not being good at directions. At least I keep my app open and asked for help when I'm not sure?
Anyway I was rly hungry and finished the food faster than him, and we ordered beer and another drink. The bitterness of the beer had me wanting more, as it kind of soothes my mood (upset and angry). I kept reminding myself not to lose my temper, as I didn't want to ruin the day. I asked him if we could get a drink even though he told me he had to go home earlier for class the next day, and I think he got my hint. I was dazed out for the rest of the journey to a mall, partly because I'm slightly intoxicated and still upset. He kept quiet throughout, checking on me and squeezed me. He navigated me to the supermarket and suggested soju.
So we got a bottle to share. 12% alcohol. We quickly walked to my house, and sat at the usual spot. The lights were turned off coincidentally but there were people there. I drank, and I told him that it was slightly too sweet. He let me drink for a bit, before he took the bottle away, asking me to kiss him before I continued. I just pecked him a little and continued to drink. He controlled my drinking, and told me I had enough as I drank too much.
My bitterness wasn't exactly melted away, but I felt slightly better. He asked if he could make out with me, and I said no. Thankfully, he did not push further (though he asked why, and I said I wasn't in the mood). He asked if he could touch me, but I said not now. Then he asked if we could talk, and I said "talk about what?".
"Our relationship," he said. I was a little stunned that he plunged into a heavy topic, especially since he was already horny. He asked what I envisioned it to be, and I couldn't really understand why he asked that. He asked if it ever came across my mind about marriage. I said that every relationship has its ups and downs, but he said I wasn't really answering his questions. He wasn't in this for fun; he was at the age where he wanted to settle down. I agreed about that, that I wasn't in it for fun too. It was a serious thing for both of us; but I can't help but be worried about my flaws, whether I'll be good enough, whether I really knew what I wanted. It was and is still a scary thing, taking a plunge when you don't know how it'll end up in the future.
I asked what he envisioned it to be, and he thought we should be discussing about marriage and settling down in 2 years time. I think I told him before that 2 years are too short; I preferred 3 years but sure we can talk about it then. To me, 2 years is a make or break point for many couples. Many do not make it past 2 years.
The reason he asked me was because we were kind of preparing to do it. He said that by doing it, it would be taking our commitment for each other to another level. He wanted to be certain that I was on the same page as him in terms of commitment. He was afraid that it would snowball on the future and asked if I had any doubts about this relationship. I said it is fine for now, but I told him we still have to iron out some issues (one of which, is communication). We had a few miscoms and misunderstandings over text. I said that I sometimes put the conflicts away because we only meet once a week; and he said well we could meet more often. I said that was besides the point; I just didn't want to ruin our meeting of talking about the conflict during our once-a-week meeting. Now that I think about it, we should always have a timing avenue allocated during our dates to talk about any conflicts we may have. *note taken*
We talked about our different love languages, how he is trying to be an acts of services guy for me. I said as long as he is putting in the effort, it would be great. But I tried bringing up that I wanted initiative, and brought up about a conflict we had. I said I wished that he had done this and that, and he started getting defensive about whatever he had done. I said it is not about doing a big thing, but consistent efforts. He listed down several things and started saying how I wasn't appreciative. I got slightly mad, and said why is he always saying I'm not appreciative. I've always thanked him for it, and he said he knows. But he doesn't like to say what he has done. Oh I should have brought up the point about gifts, shoot. Perhaps I'll talk about it later.
Anyway, I feel like I want to commit to him. Maybe I'm slightly superstitious, but we started talking on the very same week my grandma passed on. We also saw a rainbow on the day we got together, and another two raimbows on two separate occasions that we were together for. I had asked my grandma to show me guidance if he was the one, to give me a sign. A rainbow can't be a negative sign, you see. I told him that someone is looking out for me, and I broke down because I was overwhelmed by the feeling of gratefulness, and how lucky I felt to have found someone. He wiped my tears, and said gently "don't cry". I joked that I have grown older; I used to be a happy drunk but lately I've been a sad drunk. He asked me to continue, and after pausing, I simply said that I wish for us to work out well.
I feel like I may not know him well enough: his deep thoughts and that scares me sometimes. I don't think I know what he likes or hates, but I'll find out eventually. I asked if he has any problems with me so far; and he said I already knew it. The texting vs ftf problem. And he said that I have a problem of worrying that what happened to other people would happen to us. He said why am I bringing other people's stories into our story. If it happened to them, we have to learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen to us, which I agreed.
I brought up how travelling is important to me, which is about making memories. I said that I'm willing to wait while he paid off his 17k loan. He was going to borrow 15k from his friend, and pay off slowly. I said what about interest rates, and he said he would find out after he graduate. Goodness, that drives me crazy sometimes. Its better to know what you're in for, and not say you'll find out later.
Anyway I asked what he wanted from me. Was he looking for a partner to accompany him, or looking for a partner to push him to be better? He said he wanted reassurance from me. I just had to be there for him when he was feeling low, which I told him he had to tell me then. He said that my presence is all that matters, sigh, another point that I hoped he would make that effort. He said that I needed to be more positive, that all is well. The more pessimistic I get, the more difficult it will be. I think I need to start focusing on self love, on being emotionally independent too. (Point taken)
I'm still uncertain about what I want, but so far I've not encountered any red flags, except the travelling part. I really believe that it is important for us to move in together for a while, to be very certain of what we're in for. If we cannot stand it, we really shouldn't even marry.
I think I've to bring up that yes, even though I'm in this for real, I believe that while time is a factor, if we are ever unhappy and the best thing is to break up, then we have to do it. Especially if our goals in life would become very different.
For me, I'm looking for a partner who can make me laugh (uhhh I'm difficult), someone who can cheer me up with small gifts, someone who is patient with me, and accepts me.
I think its a little scary that he really is considering me as wife material already. I felt like we are still in the honeymoon phrase (which he scoffed and said we are not) but I am definitely more patient and considerate than I usually am. There's also the problem of the housing bidding, which is a problem for both of us since we believe in different things. I'm not sure if this can be a breaking point too.
Anyway, I wonder if he would really get my tantrums and my patience limit haha, I still think 2 years is too short to be really myself, tantrums and fights and all). But I told him that I'm ready to take on a new experience with him and he said that he appreciated that.
We kissed a few times, with him lifting my chin and turning his head a few times. It felt normal, but I liked his smell.
I liked how he interacts with people with confidence (although shy with strangers), how he is working hard, and how loving he gets.
My parents said that sometimes he treated me like a kid, and I have to show him that I'm mature enough. Good point, sometimes he is like that but I thought it was because he wanted to take care of me well.
Anyway, am I truly prepared to take it a step further? Wow, I hadn't really thought that it was another level of commitment as what he had mentioned. I thought that it was more of an experiment, a new experience together. Thankfully he mentioned this to me or I would not be on the same page. But I feel that he is a good man, 7-8 points; sometimes he really takes what I said into consideration. He is childish, but he can be very loving.
