Fear

 I had a talk w my partner and now I'm just so lost. He opened up to me about his family matters and he was not confident that his family would not interfere. 

I don't know how to process my feelings. I'm just so upset; I like him, but at the same time we face so much issues - diff upbringing, different expectations, etc.

Our values are similar, but all these... and then his family. At the same time, how am I going to find a partner like him again? Someone who was so willing to put in effort, treating me so amazingly... 

It may be an amicable breakup, but I don't want to lose him, and neither did he. We're just both at loss at what is the next step. We decided to think about it and talk again in a month, but I'm so scared to invest myself now. 

Now I just feel like time is so short, I just want to see him more before time is up. We're both mature in our thinking, so I think we intuitively know it may not work out. But I want to prolong this, because I keep holding to this tiny silver ray of hope that things will change. 

I'm so terribly upset, I'm just at loss for words. I don't have a solution, we both know it. What should I do? How do I handle this? How do I move on? Not having someone to talk to everyday; to hear me out... I never knew its so devastating. 

I saw this quote on ig: "And if, in some distance in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love." - La La Land

I don't have it in me to imagine him with another person; but at the same time he needs someone who can accept all of him. I don't know if I'm that person. It's so difficult, this sadness; grief; fear; uncertainty. I'm really scared of losing him now. I feel like I need to see him again, to feel that everything is alright.

It's okay that I'm not okay; but yeah, it's so hard to date nowadays. Finding new people; building up from scratch. I'm just comfortable with him.

There are several times that he isn't appropriate, but who knows if the next guy is worse? Anyway, he says he knows he's being selfish, but he doesn't want it to end. 

And that look in his eye; the sadness. I never saw him with that look until today when he talked about it. I couldn't give him the assurance, but that I'd need to think about it. But I said thank you for being honest about this. 

Pain is real.

Family boundary

 I dont understand why my dad keeps asking me to share problems about me and my partner... like I tried telling him that I didn't want to discuss it now; now isn't the appropriate time to talk about it; I didnt want to have his impression of my partner turn bad... 

But I caved in because he got mad. I feel like this is rly something I don't want to do to my future kids. Family boundary is a thing. If someone in the family doesn't want to talk about it, and they're usually very reasonable, they know what they're talking about, can you for once, stop relating everything to trust issues? 

It's not about trust, I'm setting the boundary that this is something between me and my partner. I promised that problems between us would not be discussed with my family. I feel really shit about this, and I'm half mad at my dad. I know he wants to protect me, and I know what I'm doing. He keeps saying I don't know! 

So infuriated. I think I rly have to tell him that boundary is a thing. I want him to RESPECT it when I don't want to share something. You know me; if I think its something to be shared, I will. Right now this isn't a thing... I don't know why I decided to share something that affects me, but thank goodness I made it a small thing i.e. the vulgarities. Thank god I didn't say about it being used against his family.

But I do agree that it is something unacceptable, the more I think about it. If he is educated, he should be able to tell that this vulgarity should not be used against parents. He can use it with his friends for all I care, that's fine. But with me, and his parents, it's a low class way of talking and very disrespectful. 

I only brought up 3 issues and I tried to make them tiny. But honestly my dad was surprised about the vulgarity part, which made me regret telling him since it would change his perception of my partner.

I'm worried he will tell my mother, and she will be even more concerned. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with this. I still like my partner, and I want to do him justice.

But at the same time, I'm afraid of making a mistake. Maybe I don't see things right. That's when parents experiences come in. Okay this is the last time I will share problems with my dad. He is concerned I know, but when I think it's something that requires his perspective then I will ask. Otherwise, he should trust that I know how to handle. This is really showing me that he doesn't think I know what to look out in a relationship. Pls, when you were my age; did ah ma butt into everything? No right.

Again; I will emphasise a lot about family boundary. Some things you have to push kids especially when they're young. Otherwise, if you trust them and they have a reason to not say things, please please please respect their choices. 

Doing this is showing that boundaries are not meant to be respected. But that's very wrong. Even in a family, boundary has to be set healthily to prevent any invasion of privacy. 

I feel guilty, but again, I shared a miniscule of what I've been through. It's tough, but I'm mature and I know what to see. I'm sorry to my partner; I'll try my best to protect you from now on because regardless of everything, you're part of me, and I love you like how I love my family. 

Psycho bitch

I am in a turmoil. I feel like I have to ask him to choose between me or his friendship with the girl. We talked about our communication problems two days ago, and it was a thought provoking conversation.

Anyway, so this morning I happened to look at Facebook, and I came across the "friends suggestion", and the girl's FB was there. "Fine," I thought, as I clicked it open. I saw a series of photos, and status updates she had with him, some were even recent. Then I realised, oh perhaps because he was the "mutual friend" we had, so that's why FB was showing me these. Then I looked to the left of the screen and I saw multiple photos he had with her. I was particularly drawn to one, and I recalled that hey, I think I've seen this before.

I whipped out my phone, and went straight to her IG account. I had seen this subtly in one of her photos she posted in February this year. She was posing in front of a photo displayer in her bedroom, with multiple photos pinned. I immediately spotted the photo, although his face was slightly obscured. It was the exact photo on FB, meaning she had printed them to pin it up. I was in shock, and sick to the stomach. How much more clingy can she get? How much more obsessed can she be? 

She already knew he had a partner, and yet still posted this (although obscured). I'm just so sick of her. I see that she was just someone who doesn't know how to draw a line. 

1. She gave gifts to him excessively: a shirt, a bag and even a long crunched up handwritten letter. My boyfriend had let me read it, and it said along the line how she thought they had met at the wrong time, how she wished they could go back to the past. I had asked him if he thought the same way about it being the wrong time, and he said no, he had not thought of it like that.

2. In Oct, I was out with him and I coincidentally saw a message pinged to him. She asked if they could hang out on her birthday; go gai gai, eat at a cafe, and so on. I mean if you're close friends, like legit friends, that's fine. But no girl, please remember you two are not normal friends. You were fwb, without the PiV. How would your friend's partner feel? You are either a psycho to try to break the relationship or just damn dumb. My boyfriend still asked me if he could hang out with her for 2 hours, but ya, I'm so sick of this.

3. I recently heard from my friend (who knew about this) that our mutual friend told him that the girl told this guy that my boyfriend used to be interested in her. I have repeatedly confirmed with him and he said he was never interested in her. She even indirectly confessed to him, and he rejected her in year one. Fucking psycho bitch to spread that kind of rumours. Not sure what's she doing, but I think to do so, is damn sad because she is just seeking attention, validation and pity from others.

4. My boyfriend casually mentioned to his group that his part-time job company is hiring and she asked him to refer her to the boss, because she is looking for a job. Okay excuse me, firstly, the company isn't very good. Secondly, c'mon you have more balls than this right? Go and find other companies for a job. Again, so damn disrespectful of my relationship with him.

5. The photo is the last straw. I remember that they stopped things in Dec 2019 (my boyfriend was very clear on that). But the strange thing is that he never told me they met again in Jan 2020, one month after that? I feel very distrustful of him, because he left out details like that. I thought he told her that she should not contact him for at least 3 months until she is truly over him, so why Jan 2020?

6. Other photos of her and my boyfriend in the past still remained on IG. There was even a photo of her being carried back by him back then. Still left there, for all to see.

I feel that she is a completely psycho or cunning person, who is just hounding on us breaking up so that she can try to make another move again. She is just there, waiting. And just so blatantly disrespectful towards your "close" friend's relationship. If someone I know does that, I wouldn't want to be his/her friend because it's just so bad. 

I also don't think I can keep giving leeway to her and my boyfriend, so I guess we'll have to put an end to it by end of April or early May. This simply can't go on, because it's disrespectful to me and harming the relationship in the long run. If he chooses her, then so be it. If he chooses me and still feel resentful about having to make the choice, then it just simply means that we don't see eye to eye about it. This is about respect and appropriateness. It is a huge red flag if he calls me insecure or jealous without ending his friendship because he doesn't consider my feelings. 

People always say that old friends always come before new significant others, but there's always an exception to the rule. This is an exception.

Also, I've been thinking, this fwb is about self gratification. Now the question about this sort of behavior is the way he treats sex. Is it just merely a physical urge and not something that is fundamental to a relationship? He may have changed, but I have to question about this.

But on another note, I also cannot dictate but merely request him. Has he done anything that warrants my distrust with him? I think it's the small things of finding out that makes me feel like huh, why did he not tell me? Is he really being truthful? I guess...

R/S talks

 Writing always helps me to clear my thoughts or affirms my goals. It was vday and when the date went well, it didn't exactly end on a high note. I suggested a place which was supposed to be just 16 mins travelling time by bus, but my bf was a little cocky about his sense of direction and kept talking to me without checking his phone. That resulted in us walking more than we had to, thrice, before we found the bus stop. After getting off the bus, it was supposed to be a 2 min walk and we got lost for another time (we crossed the road when we didn't have to). I finally suggested to him to take out his phone and keep the maps app open because I was tired, and hangry. 

I was a little pissed off and upset as I had already told him that we had to find a place earlier to book and eat for dinner, but he had repeatedly told me that we could find a place nearby. And he was cocky that he couldn't keep his app open, and still mocked me for not being good at directions. At least I keep my app open and asked for help when I'm not sure? 

Anyway I was rly hungry and finished the food faster than him, and we ordered beer and another drink. The bitterness of the beer had me wanting more, as it kind of soothes my mood (upset and angry). I kept reminding myself not to lose my temper, as I didn't want to ruin the day. I asked him if we could get a drink even though he told me he had to go home earlier for class the next day, and I think he got my hint. I was dazed out for the rest of the journey to a mall, partly because I'm slightly intoxicated and still upset. He kept quiet throughout, checking on me and squeezed me. He navigated me to the supermarket and suggested soju. 

So we got a bottle to share. 12% alcohol. We quickly walked to my house, and sat at the usual spot. The lights were turned off coincidentally but there were people there. I drank, and I told him that it was slightly too sweet. He let me drink for a bit, before he took the bottle away, asking me to kiss him before I continued. I just pecked him a little and continued to drink. He controlled my drinking, and told me I had enough as I drank too much. 

My bitterness wasn't exactly melted away, but I felt slightly better. He asked if he could make out with me, and I said no. Thankfully, he did not push further (though he asked why, and I said I wasn't in the mood). He asked if he could touch me, but I said not now. Then he asked if we could talk, and I said "talk about what?". 

"Our relationship," he said. I was a little stunned that he plunged into a heavy topic, especially since he was already horny. He asked what I envisioned it to be, and I couldn't really understand why he asked that. He asked if it ever came across my mind about marriage. I said that every relationship has its ups and downs, but he said I wasn't really answering his questions. He wasn't in this for fun; he was at the age where he wanted to settle down. I agreed about that, that I wasn't in it for fun too. It was a serious thing for both of us; but I can't help but be worried about my flaws, whether I'll be good enough, whether I really knew what I wanted. It was and is still a scary thing, taking a plunge when you don't know how it'll end up in the future.

I asked what he envisioned it to be, and he thought we should be discussing about marriage and settling down in 2 years time. I think I told him before that 2 years are too short; I preferred 3 years but sure we can talk about it then. To me, 2 years is a make or break point for many couples. Many do not make it past 2 years. 

The reason he asked me was because we were kind of preparing to do it. He said that by doing it, it would be taking our commitment for each other to another level. He wanted to be certain that I was on the same page as him in terms of commitment. He was afraid that it would snowball on the future and asked if I had any doubts about this relationship. I said it is fine for now, but I told him we still have to iron out some issues (one of which, is communication). We had a few miscoms and misunderstandings over text. I said that I sometimes put the conflicts away because we only meet once a week; and he said well we could meet more often. I said that was besides the point; I just didn't want to ruin our meeting of talking about the conflict during our once-a-week meeting. Now that I think about it, we should always have a timing avenue allocated during our dates to talk about any conflicts we may have. *note taken*

We talked about our different love languages, how he is trying to be an acts of services guy for me. I said as long as he is putting in the effort, it would be great. But I tried bringing up that I wanted initiative, and brought up about a conflict we had. I said I wished that he had done this and that, and he started getting defensive about whatever he had done. I said it is not about doing a big thing, but consistent efforts. He listed down several things and started saying how I wasn't appreciative. I got slightly mad, and said why is he always saying I'm not appreciative. I've always thanked him for it, and he said he knows. But he doesn't like to say what he has done. Oh I should have brought up the point about gifts, shoot. Perhaps I'll talk about it later.

Anyway, I feel like I want to commit to him. Maybe I'm slightly superstitious, but we started talking on the very same week my grandma passed on. We also saw a rainbow on the day we got together, and another two raimbows on two separate occasions that we were together for. I had asked my grandma to show me guidance if he was the one, to give me a sign. A rainbow can't be a negative sign, you see. I told him that someone is looking out for me, and I broke down because I was overwhelmed by the feeling of gratefulness, and how lucky I felt to have found someone. He wiped my tears, and said gently "don't cry". I joked that I have grown older; I used to be a happy drunk but lately I've been a sad drunk. He asked me to continue, and after pausing, I simply said that I wish for us to work out well. 

I feel like I may not know him well enough: his deep thoughts and that scares me sometimes. I don't think I know what he likes or hates, but I'll find out eventually. I asked if he has any problems with me so far; and he said I already knew it. The texting vs ftf problem. And he said that I have a problem of worrying that what happened to other people would happen to us. He said why am I bringing other people's stories into our story. If it happened to them, we have to learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen to us, which I agreed.

I brought up how travelling is important to me, which is about making memories. I said that I'm willing to wait while he paid off his 17k loan. He was going to borrow 15k from his friend, and pay off slowly. I said what about interest rates, and he said he would find out after he graduate. Goodness, that drives me crazy sometimes. Its better to know what you're in for, and not say you'll find out later.

Anyway I asked what he wanted from me. Was he looking for a partner to accompany him, or looking for a partner to push him to be better? He said he wanted reassurance from me. I just had to be there for him when he was feeling low, which I told him he had to tell me then. He said that my presence is all that matters, sigh, another point that I hoped he would make that effort. He said that I needed to be more positive, that all is well. The more pessimistic I get, the more difficult it will be. I think I need to start focusing on self love, on being emotionally independent too. (Point taken)

I'm still uncertain about what I want, but so far I've not encountered any red flags, except the travelling part. I really believe that it is important for us to move in together for a while, to be very certain of what we're in for. If we cannot stand it, we really shouldn't even marry. 

I think I've to bring up that yes, even though I'm in this for real, I believe that while time is a factor, if we are ever unhappy and the best thing is to break up, then we have to do it. Especially if our goals in life would become very different.

For me, I'm looking for a partner who can make me laugh (uhhh I'm difficult), someone who can cheer me up with small gifts, someone who is patient with me, and accepts me. 

I think its a little scary that he really is considering me as wife material already. I felt like we are still in the honeymoon phrase (which he scoffed and said we are not) but I am definitely more patient and considerate than I usually am. There's also the problem of the housing bidding, which is a problem for both of us since we believe in different things. I'm not sure if this can be a breaking point too.

Anyway, I wonder if he would really get my tantrums and my patience limit haha, I still think 2 years is too short to be really myself, tantrums and fights and all). But I told him that I'm ready to take on a new experience with him and he said that he appreciated that.

We kissed a few times, with him lifting my chin and turning his head a few times. It felt normal, but I liked his smell. 

I liked how he interacts with people with confidence (although shy with strangers), how he is working hard, and how loving he gets.

My parents said that sometimes he treated me like a kid, and I have to show him that I'm mature enough. Good point, sometimes he is like that but I thought it was because he wanted to take care of me well.

Anyway, am I truly prepared to take it a step further? Wow, I hadn't really thought that it was another level of commitment as what he had mentioned. I thought that it was more of an experiment, a new experience together. Thankfully he mentioned this to me or I would not be on the same page. But I feel that he is a good man, 7-8 points; sometimes he really takes what I said into consideration. He is childish, but he can be very loving.