It was the end of my long internship.
I feel so exhausted with all the negativity building up in me, hence I decided that I'm going to write them down here. I am exhausted of pretending to be someone I am not. Because I can't hear you well doesn't make me stupid or naive. It does not make me any less capable, although I am slower.
On the very last day, I had a phone call with X and to me, it is a disaster. I tried to make things lighthearted and you have no idea how badly I wanted to fire at her about her behavior, but I swallowed it and solely focused on giving her my feedback about my job scope. Purely, the tasks I'm given to do.
I told her: it would be better if you could involve me more in the planning just like G (btw I have my own set of complaints about G; I don't know why they are so blind to it; G is that good at covering herself up) so that I can learn more on how you think. Just like the other day G consulted you, I was listening and you mentioned things I never thought of. If you have involved me, I would be able to learn so much more.
And here's her answer.
"__, the reason why I am not giving you this, you must understand, is that I don't have confidence in you. Think about that event when you didn't do the feedback form? You have to be more meticulous about this kind of thing. How am I supposed to trust you with a bigger project? If it is just a small scale project, sure you can do it. But this is something bigger. What if I give you, and you do all wrong and I have to spend time explaining to you, and do everything myself again? This is double the work isn't it.
I never give you the full capacity because I know; you and I know that you are not ready for it."
What the fuck right.
Okay let me break this down:
- First, we already had a rocky start. In the first fucking week, you have already given me the impression you didn't want me even though I barely started. Who the hell, WHO, would tell her intern IN THE FIRST 3 WEEKS every feedback sessions on Friday that "there are so much opportunities out there. You shouldn't spend 7 months here. You have a problem because of your school contract? Don't worry I'll talk to your school." What the fuck. I think, anybody, any CAPABLE or INCAPABLE person (not just me) who has been told this every time would definitely assume that this person wants to chase him/her out. Why the fuck would you do that to someone who you just accepted into your organisation? Zero sense. This is a reason why we just can't get along.
- Another reason would be that our personalities definitely clash. You don't give someone a chance to speak. You interrupt. You keep, fucking every time, jump into conclusions even when I have not completed my sentence. It is incredible - I never had such a terribly, difficult time before - to talk to you. I say a sentence, you would say 1000 sentences and I can only nod. Even this feedback session, you just shoot me without asking me, do you have anything to say?
- The feedback forms. Let me put this clearly: I DID REALIZE IT. YOU CLEARLY FORGOT ABOUT IT AND PUSHED THE BLAME TO ME. Let me put another evidence: I texted you the checklist and you said yes it is correct. As for the feedback forms, I did realised it, unfortunately too late as it was 30 mins before the courier man came to get our items. I was troubled but I did not contact you. Reasons: I need to amend a form (which you would not have the chance to approve it - is it alright to do that?), print 50 copies with that slowass printer, put each of them into each folder, all in 30 mins? Call you to ask if it is still ok to do that when you are already in the plane, and when you touch down you definitely will go running back your girl and not check your phone for even a second. Affect your mood the next day when the event is starting? I thought about this for so long, it was really a dilemma. And this is the decision I arrived at.
It's definitely my fault. BUT IT IS ALSO YOUR FAULT, stop pushing everything to me. I am just an intern, you should know more better than me. And, am I not allowed to make mistakes? I know your favorite intern made a major mistake during her last few weeks and you still gave her a good testimonial. To be honest, this is just you not liking me. That's the basis of this whole story of why you say such harsh words, just because I'm not likable to you.
- This incident happened in June. Early June. From then till June, you did not give me any projects, just lame-ass shit to do. What nonsense are you sprouting about major projects, don't want to give you because I don't have confidence in you crap? More like you never had any. Butter it up until like that for what.
- If I do things wrongly, IT IS YOUR JOB to fucking explain to me. You think that I'm an intern with godly skills? If I was, I wouldn't even need to apply for internship. I can do everything myself. I can even fire you instead. Obviously I am going to make mistakes! And by the way, I am a very capable person, as long as you brief me properly, and my strength lies in creativity, I could have done something you never thought of. Simply put, you never gave me a chance.
- Never gave me the capacity, because you and I know you are not ready for it. This is the biggest mind-blowing words. I was so speechless.
Excuse me. You did not even ask me if I'm ready for it. How dare you assume that YOU AND I know. What the flying fuck. And for the entire months with you, you never pushed me. Uhhhhh????? Why the hell am I wasting time with you. You say that I am eager to learn; more like everybody will be eager. That is not an excuse to say that I am expecting too much; this is seriously peanuts to anybody, not just me. If you give what you are giving me to yourself, you would go more crazier than me.
I was so shocked and heartbroken after the phone call.
You really killed my self-esteem.
You claim to be a counsellor to help troubled people. Sorry you don't deserve to be one. How can you be certified when you don't even listen to an intern speak? And also killed her esteem. You really don't.
And I can see how X treat G. She is definitely like-able (although she is ridiculous in another sense - you cannot carry an empty box by yourself??? Need to drop the box just because I don't want to help you and I end up unpacking things by myself? Excuse me I helped you pack 200 bags, and I have to unpack the remaining 140 bags by myself after the event? This is downright, SO RIDICULOUS. And it always happen when none of my colleagues were in office. They don't see how she is treating me like a servant. She is younger than me, really color me shocked.) and X is totally smiley around her.
One of my colleagues even told her to sign a full-time contract. ACTUALLY, PLEASE DO SO. You'll realize who she really is once you take her in. A lazy person who doesn't like to do these kind of administrative stuff which is unavoidable - oh my god I really cannot take it - did you know she asked me to send her the expenses form because she is LAZY to open it?? You think I don't need to go through the same steps??? Plus she emailed me to help her with this and that - and ofc take credit behind my back.
You very smart. Can survive. G and X, you two can be good friends. I don't want you two in my life.
X is one of the worst adult I ever met. G is someone I am shocked, that this kind of person still exists in this world.
Karma will reach you two. I never know if I'll be around, but I believe in karma.
Reason why I don't say these: I won't see them anymore, no reason to create tension.
I think I learnt that the world has these kind of people. I just had the fortune to encounter these kind...
