The timeline of end of May is drawing closer. I'm thinking we shouldn't even entertain the idea of balloting first, then talk after, right?
I just spoke to my sibling about my partner's dad and what he thought of me. He said that if he is unimportant, then it doesn't matter. But I'd need to cue my parents to prepare them if they ever meet up.
But my sibling advised me to really think if I'm certain about him. And knowing my family, they can immediately tell if I am unsure. If I take the step, I'd want to let them know that I am sure that I want to be by his side for a lifetime.
But at this stage, I can't even answer the first layer. When I think back about the "red flags", I didn't like it. They eroded my trust in him. I don't think there was a time I thought to myself that "hey, I want to marry him." Like how he didn't explain to his friend about me properly. He is still patient, but sometimes talks in an arrogant manner that I have to beat some sense into him. I'd say why are you talking so rudely, before he clamps down on his tone. This is how he has been brought up though, so I can't say much. The only time I might have thought that is when he was super considerate to his surroundings.
Reasons to break up:
Firstly, it is his need for physical intimacy. It is so vastly different, and I gave in at least 3 times. Though at times I do want it, he didn't respect my opinions when I didn't want it. He didn't consider how I felt - no cuddling; it's like ok let's get that out of the way, what's the next thing? I don't think the love languages can be changed easily, and I warned him recently that I will not entertain that anymore.
Secondly, his expectation of the future lifestyle isn't really in line of what I wanted initially. He says he doesn't need to get a condo; he says he cannot cook (but he didn't even try). He might be expecting a traditional wife. And he doesn't mind travelling but with a budget.
He wants me to lower my expectation of the future, but I don't think I'm asking much. All that I ask is that we try to earn as much as we can, ofc not sacrificing other aspects of life. But if I'm given a chance, I want to earn at least 9k - 10k by my 30s. It is a high wishlist, but I'd love a challenge.
For him, he said he doesn't really want to earn a lot because of pressure. When I see him, he's really not ambitious but he works hard for his colleagues. He treasures friendship I guess... but he dwells in comfort for a very long time and sees no need to upgrade himself.
I'm not sure if it is the right thing to ask me to lower my expectation. Is that fair of him?
Thirdly, the emotional intimacy. I don't feel supported. Even when in Japan, during our only video call, he went to fix his laptop "because it died". It was 11pm and I was tired but I waited for his message to video call. I was deeply disappointed that he didn't seem so excited about it but I guess I can attribute it to his lack of travel experience.
But I treasure his hardworking attitude and laid back personality. It is easy for anyone to get along with him, and he speaks up when he has to. It is admirable that he got this far with his persistence even though he took a longer route.
However, I'm no longer sure if I can see a future with him. I might have a hard time if I continue staying with him. I'm not getting the emotional support I need (unlike guys like SH and P, who are much more understanding of girls). They make me feel like my feelings are validated, which is something we're both lacking a lot. I don't feel that way with him.
Maybe I should ask to meet with him before the 1st week of May to break up, so that we don't have to consider the idea of balloting.
He is a good guy, but I don't have a sense of security with him from then until now. Physical is a no, emotional initmacy is a no, and even financial expectation/ security is a no.
I don't think I can marry him as he is now.
