Self Love

Tonight, I feel better. I was reading MGNB, and I am reminded that self love is so important. 

I should stop worrying about finding love, and continue loving myself. 

I've gotten myself too attached too early. I should use this chance to take a step back, and focus on myself. 

Right now, I need to focus on getting my diet right, and anxiety under control. 

The person for me, will be there through my ups and downs. I want to enjoy his hobbies, give him personal space if needed, pick him up when he's down, support his decisions, make him laugh, tolerate his antics, make him feel loved and wanted, give kindness and not ask anything back.

I think because I laid down my past, my scars, my fears, I became worried that he'd leave me because of that. But that's okay, it'd help me weed out the people not up to dating me.

I might have rushed things too much, but the uncertainty of not having a label triggered my anxiety. 

I have to be okay to give personal space, and let the person come around. I don't expect to be disrespected too, it still needs to be a reasonable amount of time. 

I will work more on myself, to not let my emotions get the better of me until they've earned my vulnerability. 

It's definitely a WIP :) but I'm doing much better! I think regardless of whatever that happens, my charm broke so as to ward off the evil, and I think I'm ready for whatever that comes next. It won't be good news perhaps, but I'll take that the "evil" aka the negative decision that may lead to a worse outcome, has seen itself out of the door. So whatever that happens, is meant to happen. 

I won't pursue it anymore and I'll let it unfold. In the meantime, I shall continue to love myself.

Rants

 My demons are back. 

I can't think, I'm scared. 

Scared of being abandoned, like I once told my ex. Somehow this is hurting me more than my previous. 

Maybe because I had not seen this coming at all in this manner. My thoughts are filled with regrets like: I shouldn't have gone to HK. I shouldn't have not replied out of pettiness. I should have been more patient. 

I'm fucking scared to be let go. I know there's people out there, but I think we had something beautiful. 

I could be ignoring all the red flags. I went to dig and realised the severe lack of effort from the first month. He was able to text till 1.30am! Now he barely texts. 

I have given him cheek kisses on the last meet up, and I fucking regret showing how much I liked him before I flew. 

I regret giving him a second chance to ask me out because I thought he wasn't ready and did not want to be disappointed when I come back to realise that he didn't plan anything. 

I miss our touches, his squeezes on my butt, his cuddles, and hair sniffs. I was so sure about him, but now I am not. 

No explanations, just vanished by saying he had to gather his thoughts and that he'd reply later. I'm going to throw out his dragon candy, despite my efforts high and low to find it. I'm tortured. 

I don't know what to say even if he asked me out in the end. Forgive him, and set some boundaries? What if he breaks it again? I told him not to go mia, to give me a sign but he did not do it. Maybe he forgot? Do I have to keep making excuses?

Do I assume that this is as good as over? I have 13 more days, but my mindset now is a huge turmoil. It's so unfair to me, do I assume that he's reconsidering the relationship, and if yes, it is my turn to reconsider it. 

These 13 days are not just for him, it is a break for me to consider if I still want to continue. My answer is a conditional no.

Scenario 1: he doesn't want to continue 

Answer 1: pass the dragon candy and say good luck

Scenario 2: he wants to continue 

Answer 2: find out why he mia suddenly without any timeline, how his action makes me think and feel (damn shit, wondering what I did wrong). If he just says "understand, won't do that again", do I make it clear that this is non negotiable? Yes I will make it fking non negotiable. Do it without any heads up (>24 hrs) and I will call it off. Too bad, I'm a mf bitch who needs stability.

Scenario 3: he wants to continue but doesn't want to improve himself

Answer 3: pass the dragon candy and say good luck

Scenario 4: ghost

Answer 4: throw the fking dragon candy/ give to relatives to finish.

I hate you B. You study psychology, and you are 3 yrs older. Do you not know what are the implications you are doing to someone? Fking half assed. Don't know if you actually need 2 weeks. 

Hope you can wake your idea up whether you're with me or not. Hope your friends slap some senses in you to realise that you don't deserve a relationship if you continue your fking self pity party. Nobody deserves to go through what I am going through now.