Type of guy

What kind of person are you looking for? I'm sure many of us face this question before. Parents ask, friends ask, even teachers ask???

So I just thought now would be a time to just pen down my thoughts (but of course it's flexible):

1. Charisma: a strong personality basically. I realise I'm attracted to most guys with a strong personality ie. outgoing

2. Eye smiles: wrinkles around the eyes are adorable. Makes him look so sincere

3. Nice smile: Who doesn't like that?

4. A kind and gentleman personality: like holding out his hands, helping me carry things etc, also kind to other people (but ofc i hope to get a tiny bit special treatment)

5. Unfraid to take the initiative: like getting a bit touchy is okay, can help me decide on meals, hugs (I'm totally loving hugs!! I get some from my guy friends but I really like hugs, it makes me feel safe)

6. Same interests: ah it's a bit hard since mine are quite unique haha

7. Humorous ie making me laugh even if it's stupid

I think dramas has probably influenced a lot more and I think my bar just got even higher after watching What's wrong with secretary Kim.

A perfect date would honestly be like: holding hands, going to a quiet place like the park or beach, reading books together, cooking, hth talks are a must, flirting. Basically couple things but I'm not really a crazy type so I prefer down to earth kind of things.

Actually my type of guy aren't really much different as to what practically all girls dream of HAHAHA

Late night thoughts

It's kind of painful trying to move on. I've surely not thought of him for some time since we are from different schools now but I guess, who can really forget their first love?

First love would be the first time we felt unconditional love for someone. Hopefully I can wait for the next, more mature, love.

I think love is about admiration and respect for a person, and also the hope to grow together with him. Love does not mean it should be perfect, but I can't seem to find the same spark.

Giving my youth of first love to him; I don't regret it but what I regret is not confessing, and not trying hard enough (well part of the reason I didn't confess was because he already liked someone).

For my next love, I promise myself to handle it more maturely, and not to get my parents involved because ultimately it's my own business. They shouldn't tell me I can't get into a relationship because of my studies or work or etc. What I choose to do is my decision.

Whoever is out there, I'm still waiting for you. As patiently as I can.

I hope that this year or the next year, I would have found the spark.

Ex-Love

So I am gradually starting to see more of my precious friends get attached, and I'm sincerely happy for them. There's a guy here that is not too bad, and I wouldn't mind dating him to get to know him better. Like for fun, no strings attached, just to see if we fit, and so I wouldn't need to get hurt if we actually don't work out. We could remain friends, in my opinion, cause he doesn't seem to be that sort of person that would avoid you.

Anyway, I just feel a slight tinge of loneliness; could be because of the pressure I'm starting to feel from my family and friends. And I can't forget about Him. The very first guy I felt this feeling of unconditional love towards. Sure, I had crushes before, but this was not like the previous crushes.

I'm quite certain I really did love him, even though it was not reciprocated.

I hadn't felt this even when I'm with other guys. I am trying to move on after the heartbreak I had about him (and I thought I did) but the sadness from that day still lingers in me. And yet, I still can't forget this feeling of love and joy back then. When our eyes met. When he talked to me.

He could have been the right person for me, but we just met at the wrong time.

I just wonder if I could ever feel the same way towards another guy... I just hope to date a guy soon, just to find out who would be suitable for me, and to really move on.

Monitoring my life

I'm in the middle of my exchange overseas and to be honest, I'm so glad to be away from insufferable/ toxic people back in my country. I really appreciate the idea of independence, it's being so empowering so far. I do have the ability to make judgments (even though I made mistakes here and there) and the discipline (somewhat?) to carry out the activities I want to do.

But what really drives me nuts is that my parents expect me to report every single detail to them. They say I don't care about easing their worries etc; but the thing is that I do! Not everytime, but that's the whole point. When I get a partner, am I supposed to tell them every single details? When I get married and move out? I understand their concern to a certain extent but I really wish they would trust me more, and not worry even if I don't reply them. I even take the initiative to call them?

If they keep asking me to fill them in every single week, what's really the point of going exchange? It's to put a wall, they can't see me all the time. In the future, there'll be many instances where I'll do things without telling them; this is adult stuff.

I have the right not to tell them certain things already, this is the time for them to get used to it. I'm not going to be swayed by his "guilt-tripping" as he always does. It's my life, and they have their lives. They have controlled enough of my life.

If you can't see or hear me, you just have to let it go and trust me unconditionally. Every other week, we can catch up, but please, not every single week... I'm sick of it. I rather be here, away from them for another year or something.

Real World

It was the end of my long internship.

I feel so exhausted with all the negativity building up in me, hence I decided that I'm going to write them down here. I am exhausted of pretending to be someone I am not. Because I can't hear you well doesn't make me stupid or naive. It does not make me any less capable, although I am slower.

On the very last day, I had a phone call with X and to me, it is a disaster. I tried to make things lighthearted and you have no idea how badly I wanted to fire at her about her behavior, but I swallowed it and solely focused on giving her my feedback about my job scope. Purely, the tasks I'm given to do.

I told her: it would be better if you could involve me more in the planning just like G (btw I have my own set of complaints about G; I don't know why they are so blind to it; G is that good at covering herself up) so that I can learn more on how you think. Just like the other day G consulted you, I was listening and you mentioned things I never thought of. If you have involved me, I would be able to learn so much more.

And here's her answer.

"__, the reason why I am not giving you this, you must understand, is that I don't have confidence in you. Think about that event when you didn't do the feedback form? You have to be more meticulous about this kind of thing. How am I supposed to trust you with a bigger project? If it is just a small scale project, sure you can do it. But this is something bigger. What if I give you, and you do all wrong and I have to spend time explaining to you, and do everything myself again? This is double the work isn't it. 

I never give you the full capacity because I know; you and I know that you are not ready for it."

What the fuck right.

Okay let me break this down:

- First, we already had a rocky start. In the first fucking week, you have already given me the impression you didn't want me even though I barely started. Who the hell, WHO, would tell her intern IN THE FIRST 3 WEEKS every feedback sessions on Friday that "there are so much opportunities out there. You shouldn't spend 7 months here. You have a problem because of your school contract? Don't worry I'll talk to your school." What the fuck. I think, anybody, any CAPABLE or INCAPABLE person (not just me) who has been told this every time would definitely assume that this person wants to chase him/her out. Why the fuck would you do that to someone who you just accepted into your organisation? Zero sense. This is a reason why we just can't get along.

- Another reason would be that our personalities definitely clash. You don't give someone a chance to speak. You interrupt. You keep, fucking every time, jump into conclusions even when I have not completed my sentence. It is incredible - I never had such a terribly, difficult time before -  to talk to you. I say a sentence, you would say 1000 sentences and I can only nod. Even this feedback session, you just shoot me without asking me, do you have anything to say?

- The feedback forms. Let me put this clearly: I DID REALIZE IT. YOU CLEARLY FORGOT ABOUT IT AND PUSHED THE BLAME TO ME. Let me put another evidence: I texted you the checklist and you said yes it is correct. As for the feedback forms, I did realised it, unfortunately too late as it was 30 mins before the courier man came to get our items. I was troubled but I did not contact you. Reasons: I need to amend a form (which you would not have the chance to approve it - is it alright to do that?), print 50 copies with that slowass printer, put each of them into each folder, all in 30 mins? Call you to ask if it is still ok to do that when you are already in the plane, and when you touch down you definitely will go running back your girl and not check your phone for even a second. Affect your mood the next day when the event is starting? I thought about this for so long, it was really a dilemma. And this is the decision I arrived at.

It's definitely my fault. BUT IT IS ALSO YOUR FAULT, stop pushing everything to me. I am just an intern, you should know more better than me. And, am I not allowed to make mistakes? I know your favorite intern made a major mistake during her last few weeks and you still gave her a good testimonial. To be honest, this is just you not liking me. That's the basis of this whole story of why you say such harsh words, just because I'm not likable to you.

- This incident happened in June. Early June. From then till June, you did not give me any projects, just lame-ass shit to do. What nonsense are you sprouting about major projects, don't want to give you because I don't have confidence in you crap? More like you never had any. Butter it up until like that for what.

- If I do things wrongly, IT IS YOUR JOB to fucking explain to me. You think that I'm an intern with godly skills? If I was, I wouldn't even need to apply for internship. I can do everything myself. I can even fire you instead. Obviously I am going to make mistakes! And by the way, I am a very capable person, as long as you brief me properly, and my strength lies in creativity, I could have done something you never thought of. Simply put, you never gave me a chance.

- Never gave me the capacity, because you and I know you are not ready for it. This is the biggest mind-blowing words. I was so speechless.

Excuse me. You did not even ask me if I'm ready for it. How dare you assume that YOU AND I know. What the flying fuck. And for the entire months with you, you never pushed me. Uhhhhh????? Why the hell am I wasting time with you. You say that I am eager to learn; more like everybody will be eager. That is not an excuse to say that I am expecting too much; this is seriously peanuts to anybody, not just me. If you give what you are giving me to yourself, you would go more crazier than me.

I was so shocked and heartbroken after the phone call.

You really killed my self-esteem.

You claim to be a counsellor to help troubled people. Sorry you don't deserve to be one. How can you be certified when you don't even listen to an intern speak? And also killed her esteem. You really don't.

And I can see how X treat G. She is definitely like-able (although she is ridiculous in another sense - you cannot carry an empty box by yourself??? Need to drop the box just because I don't want to help you and I end up unpacking things by myself? Excuse me I helped you pack 200 bags, and I have to unpack the remaining 140 bags by myself after the event? This is downright, SO RIDICULOUS. And it always happen when none of my colleagues were in office. They don't see how she is treating me like a servant. She is younger than me, really color me shocked.) and X is totally smiley around her.

One of my colleagues even told her to sign a full-time contract. ACTUALLY, PLEASE DO SO. You'll realize who she really is once you take her in. A lazy person who doesn't like to do these kind of administrative stuff which is unavoidable - oh my god I really cannot take it - did you know she asked me to send her the expenses form because she is LAZY to open it?? You think I don't need to go through the same steps??? Plus she emailed me to help her with this and that - and ofc take credit behind my back.

You very smart. Can survive. G and X, you two can be good friends. I don't want you two in my life.

X is one of the worst adult I ever met. G is someone I am shocked, that this kind of person still exists in this world.

Karma will reach you two. I never know if I'll be around, but I believe in karma.

Reason why I don't say these: I won't see them anymore, no reason to create tension.

I think I learnt that the world has these kind of people. I just had the fortune to encounter these kind...

Sad

The tightness in my chest grows.

Was I waiting all these time, just to hear you say those words?

The excitement and longing in me dies down, and beneath it, the raging fire grows, simmering small yet gradually getting bigger.

Why did you say that? Have you ever tried fighting for my interest?

Are you finally happy that your words have erased the doubt in their minds, to hold the long string wrapped around my neck?

Ever know the weight of your words? My words are so tiny compared to yours. You speak in a sure way, decisive of the path for me.

I long so badly for freedom. To live impulsively. To undo the string around my neck, and to just, please, let me live my life.

The disappointment weighs heavy on my heart. Have you ever, really... Thought of me? Ever missed me?

You never mentioned about me to your friends. The nagging thought that I'm so afraid to admit... Were you embarrassed of me? Why?

I'm really proud of you, of what you are. You are my brother, yet so distant.

After six weeks, you are finally home. I reached home late in the night, tired, yet I really did miss you.

I waited to talk to you, listening to my pops repeat everything I know, to let you know what you missed. Yet suddenly the discussion turned to me and this is what I get.

I should not have waited.

Brother, you have no idea how proud you make me with your achievements, yet you really do disappoint me.

If you really wanted to say these, couldn't it be private between us siblings first? Before you say those words to them. You know how quickly they change their minds to support you.

Have you ever said, "Wait. I think we can let her decide. This is my opinion, but I think if she really wants to go, let her go. Knowing her, she probably already weighed the pros and cons, and if she decided to go anyway, its her choice."

I think, I do not want to see you anytime soon. I will go away.

You are selfish to not realise the impact of your words.

As you spoke those words, I finally realised the dread in the pits of my stomach. Because of you, the decision has been made. Whatever I say in the future, it won't change their minds.

Are you fucking happy that you ruined this? What have I been planning for? Looking forward to?

You have my thanks for ruining this day, the day I was excitedly looking forward to seeing you. Ironic.

Time

Is it even worth wasting a drop of time on anger?

H2O

I was looking through Ted Talks (btw it's the best platform to learn/motivate yourself) and I came across this video: https://www.ted.com/talks/raymond_tang_be_humble_and_other_lessons_from_the_philosophy_of_water#t-515352

I'm suddenly struck with familiarity of the situation he was mentioning. A sense of something missing. The poem that speaks a lot is this:

'The supreme goodness is like water.

It benefits all things without contention.

In dwelling, it stays grounded.
In being, it flows to depths.
In expression, it is honest.
In confrontation, it stays gentle.
In governance, it does not control. 
In action, it aligns to timing.

It is content with its nature, 
and therefore cannot be faulted.'

~ Tao Te Ching; passage #8

Like he mentioned, the water philosophy has 3 lessons that we can take away: Humility, Harmony, Openness

Humility: Water flows in a river. It always stay low. It helps plants and living creatures stay alive, and does not draw attention to itself, nor does it need any reward or recognition. Water is humble. But without it, there would be no life.

1. Instead of acting like we know everything/have the answers to all, it is okay to say "I don't know. I want to learn more, and I need your help."
2. Instead of promoting our glory and success, it is much more satisfying to promote the glory and success of others.
3. Instead of doing things where we can get ahead, it is much more fulfilling and meaningful to help others overcome their challenges so they can succeed.

This allows us to become more genuinely interested in the stories and experiences of people around us that make them unique and magical.

Harmony: When water flows towards a rock, it will flow around it. It doesn't get upset, it doesn't get angry. It doesn't get agitated. When faced with an obstacle, somehow water finds a solution without force, without conflict.

1. Shift your focus from trying to achieve more success to trying to achieve more harmony, you will feel calmed and focused. 
2. Ask these questions: will this action bring me greater harmony and bring more harmony to my environment? Does this align with my nature?

You become more comfortable with who you are, rather than who you are supposed/ expected to be. You will stop focusing on things that cannot be controlled and only on the things you can. You stop fighting with yourself, and you learn to work with the environment to solve its problems. 

Nature does not hurry. Yet, everything is accomplished. 

Openness: Depending on the temperature, it can be solid, liquid or gas. Depending on the medium it is in, it can be a teapot, a cup or a flower vase. It is water's ability to adapt and change and remain flexible, that made it so enduring through the ages, despite all the changes in the environment. 

1. We live in a world of constant change. We are expected to constantly reinvent and refresh our skills to stay relevant. We need to be open to learn, open to unlearn and open to helping others navigate through the changing circumstances. 

Life is calling each and every one of us to step up, to open up and cause a ripple effect. We can stay behind close doors and continue to be paralyzed by our self-limiting beliefs or we can just open up and enjoy the ride. 

I basically typed out everything he mentioned, but boy, this is so meaningful. Let's try to see if we can apply this :)

Love yourself, give yourself one more chance

I think I'm struggling with this sense of self worth and it's really hard. There's like a big hole in my heart which hasn't been filled up. Its like I'm falling back to the old times of fear and worthless. This internship really made me question whether I made mistakes that others should not have made. Is my mistakes really that bad? Why am I not allowed to make such mistakes?

I'm new right? Why am I being judged for making mistakes when I haven't had a chance to learn from them? My gosh. And they treat me like I should have known it because of my school brand equity. Its like I shouldn't made this kind of mistakes because the previous interns don't. I don't know how they behave, but they could have been the cream of the crop. They make me feel like they think its a mistake to hire me.

Its really sad and I feel like this kind of environment makes me close off. I can't bring myself out when I get these kind of vibes. So painful.

They don't take note of a disability. Please be mindful of what you say because it can really hurt.

I want to go back to the club. To interact with people my own age rather than adults who are impatient. I wonder how they would feel if their own children are being born the way I am, and treated the way I am.

Its an event soon and I have to breathe. I am wonderful. I am great the way I am. My character makes people like me which is why I have friends. I may not be the most outgoing person, but I care. I will help you because I want to, not to take advantage of you. I promise to be kind always for there are people who may be even lonelier than me. I am good looking. Love yourself, give yourself one more chance. You deserve it, and only you can give yourself a chance.

Internship

Today marked a month since I started this internship and so far, it has been very difficult in terms of politics and interpersonal communication.

I've been given peanuts to do at work and I spent 95% of the time there doing nothing. Literally zero things to do. It is a struggle for me to waste my time and I also can't while my time since the office is pretty small and my back is facing the entrance.

Anyway, I've gotten this impression since the first week that I'm slow and uncertain as compared to the previous interns. It's really not nice to hear that. I told my supervisor about my medical condition and for a time, we've clicked. After that, she didn't really care.

Gotta remind myself that work is work. In the real world, people don't care about your medical condition as long as you are competent enough to lighten their workload.

But experiencing really made me wonder; how many people with this condition actually were able to prove to their bosses without letting them know about the condition.

Today, I had lunch with two of my colleagues and they were incredibly nice. They said, love yourself before others can love you. If she were to care about this person, she wouldn't mind the condition. Anyway, it is truly heartening to hear that.

My insecurities really grow and I feel really frightened of the uncertainty in the future. But my friend told me to give this a chance which I agree.

My cousin told me some really cool advice: stroke the dog the right way. Do it the other way and the dog won't be happy. Sometimes you have to purposely please her so that the relationship can be better. Other than that, you don't have to repeat her instructions to clarify. You can repeat a keyword to clarify.