Project Disaster

Today is the last day of this semester and it's over but I still feel very helpless. I encountered a lot of problems during this sem, especially with a particular project.

Let me recap: There are 4 people in my group which makes us severely at a disadvantage as compared to other groups with 5-6 people. Let's call this girl J, this guy M, and another girl R.

So J and M don't respond to my messages in the group chat which is ridiculous because I saw that a blog post they did for an online learning module claim that they can't live without their phones. Which is equivalent to that they should be able to read my messages. But why are they not responding? This really led to a lot trouble subsequently.

Learning point: Confront them. Tell them that it is pertinent that they check their messages especially when it is near important project deadlines/ in the process. 

We did meet up every Saturday at M's house, but there has been an incident before that made me very upset. Let's reflect:

27Oct:
4.53pm - I asked if we can have a meeting at 2 or 3pm the next day
4.54pm - J asked why so early
5.48pm - I changed the timing to 5pm instead
11.32pm - M asked if we having dinner together and i replied if his parents were cooking. He didn't reply

28 Oct:
12pm - M just said Wah
12.13pm - I asked again if we meeting at 5pm and let's eat dinner together
12.36pm - J said she having early dinner with her fam and if we are still eating dinner then she'll join us at 6pm instead
12.52pm - I said ok we'll still meet at 5pm
13.47pm - R said she would reach at 6pm and she was having early dinner with her fam
3.03pm - I said lets do 6pm (i was bz and my "friends" were angry at me. Was upset and forgot to tell my parents that we can eat early dinner. Decided that I would go over to M house and order takeaway instead)
5.54pm - M replied and said he was still outside having dinner and would be back 20 min later
6.01pm - R asked MJ later around 6.20pm can he fetch her 
6.27pm - I asked M if I can go there or he is still not home
6.29pm - he said he was fetching R now
6.30pm - I asked how long more, and he replied that R was still 2 stops away
6.47pm - Ran out of patience. told them i'll be late cause I ordering dinner to bring over
6.48pm - J said she needed to leave at 9pm
6.51pm - R said I could go over and they were driving back
6.52pm - J said she had been waiting at his doorstep since 6.30pm
6.55pm - M asked his parents to open the door

I think from this conversation, MJ was at fault. He only told at nearly 6pm (our meeting time) that he would only be back at 6.20pm. R is also at fault because she said 6.20pm M can get her but 6.30pm she was still not at her designated pick up point. I doubt I was at fault because I decided to get dinner instead and when I got over there, M and R just reached too. J pissed me off because she knew we were rushing to do the script, and I was getting scolded, and she did not tell any of us that she had been waiting since 6.30pm. I assumed that everyone was late so since I lived nearby, I would not leave my place and put myself outside his door for 30 mins.

Okay that was the incident. Learning Point: The lack of communication ultimately led to this. If M did tell us earlier where he was at, we would have shifted the timing. My "friends" were ultimately pieces of shit because they were not there when I needed help. Guess that I do not want this kind of friends who scold me without knowing how much shit I am in.

From the start, if someone is not replying, we should just verbally tell the person that it is important that he/she checks her messages so as to avoid this mess.

R is seriously inattentive. Even I, who is at a disadvantage, know more about what to do than her. She always asks me where to do this and that, and when we have discussed before, she still asked me the same question.

Learning Point: Once or twice is okay. If it is always like this, she is nothing but a burden. Maybe should also tell her off for not being attentive.

Video showcase was a major disaster

Lonely

I feel rather down lately. Seems like I have bad mood swings but I have to know the right way to cope with my mood. I feel like I just want to travel overseas and just run away from all my commitments. Honestly I don't have much commitments but the pressure, more like social pressure, is hard for me. I made many friends last year but it seems like this semester, most of them are overseas for exchanges/ doing internships so I'm pretty much lonely. But my seniors are really nice but it's still hard for me to open up to them. I kind of really miss the people around me last year.

I also don't intend to take ___ seriously. I mean it's fun and all, but I don't mean to do it for real. I also feel frightened. I don't feel belonged to any group or any categories. Just really out-of-place. I don't know how to get close to any of the seniors without sending the wrong signals. I think they're really incredible and I really respect their passion and they're really really good at it. Which also means they won't want to get close to people like me, who doesn't want to take it seriously.

I wished I have the chance to learn a life skill but I missed that opportunity..... But there's a lot of opportunities which would be different but all I can do now is to wait. Feels like I'm at the beginning of this really long path and I don't know what to do. Taking responsibilities is really a pain in the ass. I like things to be done properly, and to the best of my abilities. I feel damn guilty for not taking it seriously but I also feel lazy.

My friends who used to live with me are no longer here. Pretty hard when all I want to do is to talk. It's difficult to have no one to study outside with. I think my symptoms show that I'm really lonely hahaha dear me....

#5 lessons from mentor

1. There are leadership styles for different scenarios (when there is a crisis, you have no time to explain. When there is a need to fine-tune ideas, you can explain your decisions to others and see their comments)

2. Others can also learn from your decision making and see the whole picture

3. Engagement can only take place when the other party is reactive.

4. How to separate working and personal matters? When u r angry, focus on the topic and not the personality. It would hurt the other person. When you have a difficult conversation, write down to think objectively so that your emotions wouldn't overcome you

Thoughts of the Day

Approach to face problems without harboring fear or worry:

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
But be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, 
But for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
But hope for the patience to win my freedom.
~Dr. Rabindranath Tagore

Adopt a positive frame of mind instead of dwelling in unhappiness. Our sorrows are caused by our own actions and our ignorance. Hence, we need to develop courage and understanding and work towards our happiness.


To face our troubles with courage and without resentment towards others:

Have faith in you
If you keep your head, while all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; 
If you can trust yourself when others doubt you,
But make allowances for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about and not deal in lies,
Or being hated and not give way to hating,
Nor yet look too good, nor talk too wise; 

If you can dream and not make dreams your Master,
If you can think and not make thought your aim; 
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it in one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose and start again at the beginning,
And not breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or see the things you give your life to, broken
And stop to build them up again with worn-out tools;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinews 
To serve their turn long after they are done,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will which says to them, "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, 
Or walk with Kings and not lose the common touch;
If neither foes or loving friends can hurt you
And all men count with you, but none too mcuh;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 
With sixty seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
And, what is more, you'll be a man, My Son!

Bros

Today I managed to skype my friend from overseas. He's a really trustworthy friend of mine since we met around 2 or 3 years ago.

I was quite down the whole day and just wanted to be alone. Got the opportunity in the evening where I just wandered in the world of silence.

Then I met a surveyor who wanted me to do some questions regarding phone usage. Then one of the questions was about my martial status. When I put single, she said "No bf??? Why???" She sounded shocked. Not sure if it's because I give the impression that I have or because people my age ought to have a partner. When I smiled coyly, she said "because you don't want is it??? Ah nvm the right one will come."

This makes me think, can I ever find someone who will like me back? That possibility seems so far off.

Anyway, back to the Skype. So glad to talk to him. He's smart and reliable, and he speaks the truth. Within an hour, we covered many topics and were almost out of topics. But it's alright, I'm just glad to see his face and see that he's doing well.

Makes me flashback to when he called me out to have htht and I'm just honored he considers me as one of his closer friends. And I really smiled a lot when he laughed at my stories. It feels good to make someone laugh.

And then I remembered that my other good friend also made me laugh and I'm just thankful for having good bros.

There are girls who never really gotten close to guys as friends. And let me tell you, it's worth it. They are amazing as bros, even better than girl friends.

Musings

Sometimes I don't know what I am feeling; sadness/ broken/ pain? I don't even know the cause. So susceptible to irritability and a tinge of envy for others who can hold so much on their plate, yet can become the best company of others. 

I wonder, I never had things go my way. I cannot even remember the last time I tasted success or make any major decision myself and never regretted it. Others are always persuading me, to think the way they want me to think. Morphing me, thinking they know best. This makes me think I can't make any decision without them. Its so tough.

Hard work does not necessarily reap results. Luck and talent play a huge part, and guess what, luck has never been a forte for me. 

Was my path forcefully paved ever since I was born? For example, hearing sounds when I shouldn't?

When I am angry, I tell myself to write anger in the wind, the perfect medium as told by the Buddha. Let it pass by unnoticed.

Now trying to understand the "better" way of living as told by religion texts or philosophical books. 

I may gradually shy away from social media so I do not feel such negative emotions in me. But without it, we feel lost in the happenings.

Also, I find myself liking people who should not be liked. For example, a gay? Or a attached guy who is 10 years older? I view myself as someone who cannot make my loved one happy, whether through interactions or my looks. 

I struggle a lot inside, and I feel insecure.

Sometimes it could be my horoscope that rings true to my soul.

#4 lessons from mentor

1. What is the purpose of the meeting?
2. Adding more things make the system more complex and it's for the worse when the system is half cooked
3. Ask why did she think in this way?
4. From the shadow, observe the leader and how she handles the conflicts and members.
5. Aim to be amiable and motherly
6. They will be very willing to part skill sets.
7. Finish your core assignments before you head over and help
8. Enjoy your assignments and most importantly, observe
9. See how they evaluate and prioritise accordingly. If both goals cannot be met ie internally and customers, the customers take more priority
10. Don't be afraid to ask. You might see it from the customer perspective and since you were from outside, maybe you'll see things that they failed to see.
11. How to strike a balance between what the members want from the system
12. Become a better project manager

#3 lessons learnt from Mentor

1. Be open
2. Be direct and structured ie write down the structure first then clarify with supervisor ie these are the areas I'm not too sure about
3. Can let supervisor know your strengths and weakness
4. Always have the right attitude
5. Don't be too emotional
6. Can get stressed but once you cross that bridge you'll learn a lot
7. Really good opportunity to learn under a very experienced supervisor
8. May work until very late
9. Try to look at the upsides instead of the downsides
10. Not many interns have an opportunity to work on a new project so it's very exciting
11. Believes that there are always two sides to the story so be objective and list down the happenings. Sit back then think about the possible situations so you'll have a different reaction next time. Trains you to manage and analyse better in the future
12. Don't be fearful and hold back. Won't learn a lot
13. Even if you get abused, at most just once or twice. Learn from it.

Finals

I keep fucking things up this semester. For like a few weeks already???

My finals started last week and I fucked up that paper. Today I fucked up the paper too. When can I stop throwing away marks?? The real problem is that my papers are in the morning when my brain is so dry and not oiled yet. I think slower and when I think I got things under control, I FUCK UP.

I know I'm feeling so angry, upset and frustrated about myself. Gosh.

But I still have two more papers. It is possible for me to do better in them ie B+ or A- even though I fucked up my last two papers? OK let's not have any regrets. Let's put in 110% in my next two papers (even though there's no time) but I hope that I can finally say "Ah, it wasn't too bad." for my next two papers instead of saying "I fucked it up."

C'mon girl, confidence boost all the way!!! Stay alert too and sleep early yeah u and me can do this!!!! If others can do it, why can't you?

Mentor tips #2

1. What is the pitch of your presentation? Ie what are the ideas you want to bring across?

2. Every slide, 1 main message

3. If too wordy, can say "let me navigate through this slide with you" or "let me go through this slide with you" to control the audience or if not the visual ones will read the content without listening to you + prevent them from going all over the place.

4. Practise in front of the mirror, and walk around the space to familarise the script more. Script can be at the back of your mind but you must be able to say the content in speaking language.

5. Go to the venue earlier to familarise yourself with the environment so that you'll be less fearful

6. Be confident when talking and that is only through practice

7. In her opinion, it's not the length of the message that matters, but the intensity ie pauses so that the listener can talk. The words cannot be too lengthy or it'll be difficult to digest. So when comparing, you can point out "what is the difference between these two? One is lengthy, harder to digest while the other one is short but intensive tone". Something along the lines.

8. Maintain eye contact when u pace a little.

9. Be unconventional ie 30 s about yourself

10. Meaningful pictures can be integrated into the slides

11. What is the effectiveness of this platform and the impact?

12. Tie your hair if you think the wind will make your hair messy. Think of all these little things to make a better presentation.

13. You can end off with what you believe in ie happiness so you make the ending slide short and sweet

14. Ask questions at the start to create tension. Think of the topic ie gender equality then generate questions ie have you ever felt that you were treated unfairly?

15. Can include experience specific to yourself ie this is what I experienced

16. Depending on the context ie lunchtime talk so content is light

17. Come up with a storyboard and a picture and pitch before doing slides and then script

Scars

So last night I was scrolling through the Explore page of Instag and I came upon this person's page called molly something. After look through, I accidentally clicked "back" twice and I tried to find this person's page to no avail.

But apparently this person used to be so into sports until she sustained injuries that forced her to stop. I didn't manage to read in details but I know that she had a really long scar on the back of her neck and also her arm. In this blog, I found that what she wrote about scars to be so relate-able.

This person mentioned that she used to find her scars really ugly and would try to hide them whenever she could. She also said that with every stare on her scars, she would be reminded that she has them. She never felt belonged until she was understood.

She mentioned some tips on how to ask someone about their scars because the chances are that, every scar had a story behind it. The emphasis is that one must be sincere in asking. The fact that someone could understand that one can't feel belonged until the story has been shared rings a lot with me.

I felt that she was voicing out my feelings. I thought I was the weird one who can't feel belonged until the person knows my story. But I guess it is true for all those that has scars.

Strange tightness

I don't know what I'm feeling now. A sense of mortification? Or fear of the unknown?

I know that since I was a child, I have been absolutely terrified of the unknown. I also look down on myself. I know it's crazy but when I look at people who are like me, I feel intimidated. And I start thinking, oh, perhaps this is how people view me.

I mean, if I myself feel that way, surely others will see me that way. That makes me feel horrible at myself too.

Stepping out of comfort zone is a must but I feel terrified. It's like I'm having symptoms of social anxiety. I don't know. People say it takes practice to be used to it. Sure, but I hate that I have to TALK just to get participation marks. You have no idea how this semester feels like hell, and I feel so pressured to talk. I don't feel like I'm myself this whole semester.

I have started to withdraw a lot. And I really fear how people view me when I feel so inferior of myself. I know it's not my fault but I feel that I could have done so much more to show that I'm normal. But I see that this equipment I have is always a constant reminder to myself and others that no, I can never have a normal life.

It's crazy. I'm already very blessed in so many ways yet this crazy shit is eating my heart. I wish I could show it, and I wish others still would view me as really, just a normal person.

The upcoming concert is nowhere better. I have not told my people about my condition. What if they find out? Will they still let me tie my hair the way I want? Would I look like the odd one? I'm afraid.

And there's my studies. I feel exhausted trying every weekend to catch up with my studies. I feel so done. But I know I mustn't. This semester is REALLY REALLY important. I really cannot afford to screw this up.

Which is why I am pushing myself to do work. It's better to do something than not do anything or running away. Until I finish my finals, I am quite sure the next five weeks will be overwhelming and I definitely will feel like running away countless times.

I really don't feel at ease with myself. What's wrong with me?

But I have to push on. Even though I have very few friends that still stay by me, it's alright. Oh yes, I feel that those people are not really worth my worrying. Why am I still trying to keep the facade up? Actually, I should stop it. I feel awkward with them. If they don't want me, alright, I won't want you.

Anyway, I feel that it's time to get rid of burdens in my heart. Push myself, and be yourself. It will be over soon. If they see me differently, it's alright. I can always quit and change CCA. I don't deserve to be surrounded by people who see me differently.

That boy. I am waiting for the time I can meet him WITHOUT it being the wrong time haha he always appear when I'm preoccupied with getting to the next lesson venue, or when I'm tired, or when I'm worrying about tests. It would be good to talk to him, to really see if he is not intimidating as he looks.

I wish someone can prove me that I'm alright with who I am. That I have strengths that makes me special. Nobody has said the words I want to hear, up till now. Even my closest friends.

Learning points #1 from Mentor

1) The world is fair and equal about one thing, and it's the only thing: Everyone has 24 hours a day, and no one has a single minute longer than another.

2) If you are interested in this subject, make use of what the person is asking and help him to find out more; present your findings to him.

3) If the problem about team mates not doing any work, write in the whatsapp group like "X, have you done this?" "Y, thanks for the job done."

4) When a decision has to be made ie group deadline coming up, and your groupmates had a choice but neither exercised it, it is your right to make a decision on behalf of them.

5) Use "We" in group settings to be more cohesive.

6) Plan to minimize stress on yourself but surely things won't go the way you want. Be flexible if needed.

7) A highly driven individual/controlling person would not be successful in the long run. Soon she'll realise that she'll need the help of others ie managing 3000 employees and sometimes you'll need help from a person outside your organization.

Pissed off

Such a fucker.

I really dislike how he manipulates everyone to do what HE wants? I really hate his habit of badmouthing people by claiming they are all "one of a kind". Fuck you have you ever thought you are ALSO "one of a kind"? How dare you claim others to be like that and not even bother to establish a connection with them? He really lacks kindness, really. My cousins may be in the wrong but they are young. How can you just say "I'll ignore them." with that black face. You don't even want to tell them they are wrong? How would they know? Just because you aren't blood related to them DOESN'T give you an excuse to ignore them.

And whatever he does contradicts with that he did in the past. Fuck you. He would say let's try this and see if we can get it. WHEN I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING ELSE, he says no you can't. What the fuck?

I strongly believe in the idea that you never know how far you get until you try it. He's always stopping me. And then he goes around saying that my sibling doesn't take opportunities BUT HELLO I'm trying to take an opportunity but he stops me? One second of insanity is all it needs to get that opportunity and you may or may not regret it.

He never supports me IN WHAT I WANT TO DO fuck you. When I'm still currently studying, he plants an idea in me by forcefully digging the soil. He wants me to do what he does but fuck you why can't you let me not have any biases yet and actually figure out what I want to do? I hate his attitude.

And he continues to say things like I'm a preschooler. AND sometimes he thinks I ask stupid questions but LIKE I legit dk?

Can't you just leave me alone when I just want to be alone? YOU don't have to be a genius to read me THAT I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE fuck you. Many people say they can read my expression and you're telling me you can't?

Did you have to X me over something THIS STUPID? It's not like I'm not even ignoring you. I REPLIED. I said please let me rest for 15 mins. I want to drink and study with the idea that I took a break. It's not like I didn't try to hang in there. I waited for you for some time but my exhaustion took over. 15 MINS. I'M BLOODY FUCKING CLOSING MY EYES. JUST CLOSING. And you go on to say that you don't trust me and want me to get up. I'M SO FUCKING PISSED. And you had to X me. Over this bloody drink that you oh-so-hardworking-ly decide to make for me (when I initially told you I don't want that.) You get to rest while I FUCKING HAVE TO DO WORK like what the hell spare me the miserable drama ok. I legit have enough drama with him. Just no.