Take it slow

It has been a month or so since we started texting each other. Think we are gradually becoming closer. I've been continuously telling myself to slow down, stay present in the moment, and just enjoy.

While I continue to struggle how I can approach the subject, my good friend told me that hey, it isn't a deal breaker even for him as a guy. That was reassuring when he said that.

But still, I know that it can be tiring to compromise that much for the girl.

I enjoy seeing and talking to him (even though it's online) and he has been making it clear to me that he thought the same. So far he has been enjoying our conversations, and I sense that he is trying to see if things can move beyond that.

I'm still afraid to tell him. But I realise that I have to be fair to him too. Assuming that when he realises that it is not what he has signed up for, it will be okay. Everyone has their own preferences. As he always tell me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I will make an effort for things to progress, but I won't force it if it doesn't happen. It will definitely be a pity, because I genuinely like his smile, and he can be quite mature when he wants to be.

It has been a month, which means it should be time for me to tell him right? People have been telling me it wouldn't make a difference if I tell him earlier or not, but I feel like it does. Telling him earlier would have changed his own perception about me, but telling him later would allow him to form his own judgement for me before knowing it.

I don't know how to be fair to him and myself. While I'm kind of interested, I also don't want to waste our time if it is a deal breaker. While I want him to chase me, I also don't want him to find out that I may not be what he wants.

We are still getting to know each other. We text mundane stuff, but I feel that it is normal. He is very straightforward that it catches me off guard.

I almost hurt him by rejecting him, but that was because I misheard him. Think I should tell him soon, so that it will not cause misunderstandings.

Okay, I think sooner or later, I will tell him. Even though doing it face to face may be better, there's still two more weeks to go. There's also no guarantee that I can be out of the house so soon as well.

My friend still treated me normally. My colleagues also do that, and they almost forgot that I have some difficulties at times. Not sure if that is a good sign though?

It's time for me to focus on my work properly. I'm not a kid, I have to learn how to manage my emotions and work. Personal matters stay personal; I've got a job to excel and learn the best I can. It won't be fair to the company if I keep getting distracted for the past weeks.

I do think I may like you. I don't think I've been myself so much or feel kind of at home when I talk to you. It's strange how we knew each other for at least six months before this and I never made an effort to talk to you. Now this happens. It is now a habit to say good night to you everyday. Feels like a couple huh?

Whether it is an infatuation or not, time will tell. Whether it is meant to be, I have no control so why worry? Just give it my best shot, and whatever outcome, I'll accept it. It may shoot me in the ego so badly that I might be crippled, but hey we are all humans. We all have preferences and that's alright. I want to have zero expectation that he will accept me for who I am. I am independent (though I don't feel that way lately), and I can take care of myself.

If it doesn't work out, so what? It's also a blessing because it means that I have more time to myself without committing to another person. I get to do what I want, without thinking of the teamwork. That's the brighter side of things haha yknow what, this really does make me feel better now. I love being alone too, able to make decisions freely, and just playing the role for my family.

If we ever get together, it will just be a topping on top of my already existing ice  cream. I have so many things that I might have taken for granted, but I can work more on improving myself if it doesn't work out. You are not a necessity to my well being, because only I can take care of myself. Loving myself. I don't need to have a relationship to thrive.

Take it slow. Take it slow. Take it slow.

Reflections

It's been so long since I'm back here. Why? Because there's always something on my mind that pulls me back here ha ha ha...

I've been focusing on my career, basically trying to remain useful and afloat in my company. Of course I am kind of enjoying my work (just a little concerned about politics here and there), and I am really learning a lot. So my goal is to just keep questioning things, and pick up some self-learning skills. It has been hard to kick-start my self-learning and all, especially with the recent development.

So let me get back to the main point.

Someone I knew in my previous semester replied on my instastory, and we started texting. It became 'fast and furious' as we continuously let the conversation flow; it became like an everyday routine. We would text before we sleep; we talked about dogs, cats, and anything. I still don't know what this will turn out to be, but we also talked about relationships. So far it has been easy-going, no expectations or whatsoever.

I've been consciously trying to be just myself, and not try to portray myself in a way to impress him (I sometimes do have this habit, just to prove myself?). I've also told myself that I have no expectations, and to just see him for who he is. Just observe him, with zero expectations.

Which means, I'm trying not to overthink about the future or whatsoever. I'm just enjoying the process. As what he mentioned, he thinks that the process is more important and I couldn't agree even more.

Guess our values kind of tie here and there, which are nice to have. But I think we are both just in the middle of figuring out if this chemistry can possibly mean something else or not. Even if it doesn't, it is alright because you can't force it. We can only just follow the flow, and just enjoy whatever comes along.

I also shared with him a video about the missing piece meeting a Big O, and I wondered if he was the kind that wanted his partner to fill in a missing part of him. Or does he want his partner to complement him? Anyway, he thought the video is about loving yourself before loving others, which I agreed.

I shared my perspective on the relationship, which is that both partners should try to be "whole" before entering a relationship. He then read into it, and asked if I wasn't ready for a relationship yet since I'm working on myself. Though I did panicked a little since I was subconsciously hoping he wouldn't give up yet, I thought I should just be honest with myself.

I said that I don't even know if I would ever be ready and that I'm working on both of it at the same time. From my previous experience, I thought I was "whole" but on hindsight, maybe I wasn't. I also questioned how I would know if enough is enough.

He then said that he didn't think there can be a fixed target but rather, when the time comes, I will know whether I am ready. I was like whoah dude, that's deep. He hinted that if he sees an opportunity, he would be willing to try out to see if things could work out.

Then I mentioned to him that I thought I would want to be the best version of myself before entering a relationship, and that I'm still far off from my goals. He kind of picked up that I've still been working on my insecurities, which I supposed scored him a point in my books hahaha okay I digress. Anyway, he said that the idea of being "whole" did not have to be about working on your flaws but rather not being too dependent on the relationship. In an ideal situation, partners can help each other overcome their flaws. He agreed that personal space is really important (which is what I really believe in, because I cannot stand clingy guys), which is another plus point.

Afterwards, he mentioned that I shouldn't worry about being the best version of myself, since the current me is nice too. And "people should like me for being me." which is basically what my friends have been reassuring me whenever I bring up depressing topics like that.

I guess my disability is still affecting my self-confidence, although I've been really trying hard to see it as a part of me. It doesn't define me as a person, but I have to live with it. It has been hard for me to see how can another person be able to live with that part of me. I still can't see it, but I've been slowly accepting my challenges that make me who I am.

I think the real reason why I have been pushing people away is really just this: I didn't want to stay long enough to see how another person can live with that part of me, because I am afraid it will turn them away. Rejection for a part of me that I cannot change.

It will hurt a hell lot, which is what I have been fearing. I think it's time to acknowledge that fear.

Thinking about it, how can I overcome that fear? What do I have that I can offer to my partner? And what are the times I was most proud of myself?

I have so many flaws that I cannot offer. But I think my strength lies in empathy, giving a listening ear, loyalty and usually seeing the brighter side of things. I tend to be proud that I do my best to see things objectively to give advice to my friends, and that gives them the willingness to trust me.

Anyway, while I have so much to think about, I am just going to remind myself that I am not going to think about the future, I will just enjoy the current moments. I will have no expectations, and I will see him for his strengths and flaws, and see if they are within what I can accept.

I have to remind myself that even if it doesn't work out, it really is life. Everybody faces rejections. Whether my time will ever come or not, I don't think I really want to care about it and be anxious about something that I cannot control.

Fighting!