Discipline

This is crazy. I must be crazy. It's only a few more days left to The exam and I am starting to have a crush on my primary school friend.

I'm crazy.

Today I felt happy but truth to be told.. it wasn't that productive. Maybe if I have questions to ask then I will study with him. His explanations are godly.

Anyway girl, this isn't the time to be thinking about such thing. I really felt sad that this acquaintance decided to u - turn. She decided she wasn't ready and I just feel so helpless. I thought she was on par with me? What happened?

And I question myself. Am I ready?

The answer is no.

What in the blazes am I doing? Nothing should stop me from doing what I must do. THERE IS NO TIME. I MUST DO WHAT IS IMPORTANT. My priority are all wrong. Guys should not stop me from getting what I want. I want to get into a course I can have fun, like drawing.

I must have the determination to turn away from everything. It can all wait till after The exam. But to be honest, I'm afraid that this friendship will slip away since it's very recently forged and I treasure him already.

GIRL. Do you want to end up regretting your results? As HY said, if you are fearful, you will be unable to give your best shot. If you give your best shot, what is there to fear?

I do know what went wrong. Now I need all the discipline I can master to study. To study and polish my knowledge and practise. It's time for crazy practise. I can do it. Maybe it won't be so well, but shoot for the Sun and you'll land among the stars even if you didn't reach the Sun. So my goal remains: all A. I'll strive my hardest during the next few days. Give my all. Fighting!

Adult with zero EQ

Please be mindful that this post will be full of anger and sadness. Avoid this post if you can haha its a way for me to express myself so that I can stop thinking about this.

So I mentioned about a trusted adult in the previous post. Two days ago, she messaged my dad "I am unable to teach your child with immediate effect due to health reasons". No apology. HA HA HA. HEALTH REASONS? BULLSHIT.

The more I recall about her complaints to me about her other students, the more angry I become. I was always the student who became a listening ear for her when she had things to say about her students. I have no idea if other students also had to go through like what I did but I really hear stories from her. Not once has she ever stopped teaching someone because of health reasons. Why, she even boasted that she exercised once per week and wanted to race with me after The exam. Not only that, she has told me that a student of hers did not submit homework on time and had lessons every 2 weeks. She is still teaching him??? I have one lesson per week. And I submit homework on time. And I was very nice.  

"Oh you have a nice smile. It's nice to teach you." "I'll bring you out to buy clothes after The exam." "You want a green pen instead of chicken wing as a reward? Thanks!"

This was all a lie. 

First thing I'm extremely hurt about. She did not BOTHER to message me and I had to find out indirectly from my father. Second thing, we were her client for 2 years. My older sibling was a client of hers too. I even introduced my friend to her because she wanted more students? Are you telling me that your pathetic quarrel with my father made you that upset to forget everything? You are a bitch. I can't believe a 34 years old woman would do this. ONE MONTH to The exam. 4 more lessons? My family had no idea you were such a picky person and an immature person who wants to get back at people.

天有眼。

You will receive karma. My family had done you no injustice. In fact we used to be the best client you ever had. Maybe it was my fault I had to reschedule several times but excuse me, you've been teaching for more than 4 years. Are you telling me this is the first time you had a student who changes lessons every time? And I wasn't like that for the past 1.5 years. Only at the later part of the year, so many events came up. 

You. I think you made the wrong decision. We could have remained as friends. Are you telling me the cost outweight those days we had together complaining and laughing and learning? You have sorely misjudged. Why were you even specializing in a subject that required judgment when you are so sorely lacking in it?

Whatever you did was a lie. "I'm committed to teaching your child." Lies. To that tutor, I thank you for being the first person in my life to show me that the world is cruel. You have hurt me and I hope that your students will one day find out what kind of person you actually are. 

You are such a disappointment. To me. To my sibling who trusted you too. To my family who had respected you. 

On an another note, it's good it happened. I'll learn from this incident. I've much to learn from. Certainly I'll get hurt but I'll grow.

Exhaustion

I'm so weary. Am I improving? Or am I falling again? Why is it that everytime I feel that things are going right that everything has to go wrong?

I'm tired and my heart feels heavy. I just want to let everything go... sometimes I feel that I'm catching up, but something has to pull me back. It's always like this and I'm just so sick. Dear god I desperately need much much determination and strength to get through this tiring time. I beg you, just let me have hope. All I need now is hope that things can get better for the major examination that will determine my future in just one month time. Please.

Instead of saying that "I suck", it is better to say that "there's always someone better than me".

I want to make this journey fulfilling and I want it to have a happy ending. I pray for a happy ending.