Take it slow

It has been a month or so since we started texting each other. Think we are gradually becoming closer. I've been continuously telling myself to slow down, stay present in the moment, and just enjoy.

While I continue to struggle how I can approach the subject, my good friend told me that hey, it isn't a deal breaker even for him as a guy. That was reassuring when he said that.

But still, I know that it can be tiring to compromise that much for the girl.

I enjoy seeing and talking to him (even though it's online) and he has been making it clear to me that he thought the same. So far he has been enjoying our conversations, and I sense that he is trying to see if things can move beyond that.

I'm still afraid to tell him. But I realise that I have to be fair to him too. Assuming that when he realises that it is not what he has signed up for, it will be okay. Everyone has their own preferences. As he always tell me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I will make an effort for things to progress, but I won't force it if it doesn't happen. It will definitely be a pity, because I genuinely like his smile, and he can be quite mature when he wants to be.

It has been a month, which means it should be time for me to tell him right? People have been telling me it wouldn't make a difference if I tell him earlier or not, but I feel like it does. Telling him earlier would have changed his own perception about me, but telling him later would allow him to form his own judgement for me before knowing it.

I don't know how to be fair to him and myself. While I'm kind of interested, I also don't want to waste our time if it is a deal breaker. While I want him to chase me, I also don't want him to find out that I may not be what he wants.

We are still getting to know each other. We text mundane stuff, but I feel that it is normal. He is very straightforward that it catches me off guard.

I almost hurt him by rejecting him, but that was because I misheard him. Think I should tell him soon, so that it will not cause misunderstandings.

Okay, I think sooner or later, I will tell him. Even though doing it face to face may be better, there's still two more weeks to go. There's also no guarantee that I can be out of the house so soon as well.

My friend still treated me normally. My colleagues also do that, and they almost forgot that I have some difficulties at times. Not sure if that is a good sign though?

It's time for me to focus on my work properly. I'm not a kid, I have to learn how to manage my emotions and work. Personal matters stay personal; I've got a job to excel and learn the best I can. It won't be fair to the company if I keep getting distracted for the past weeks.

I do think I may like you. I don't think I've been myself so much or feel kind of at home when I talk to you. It's strange how we knew each other for at least six months before this and I never made an effort to talk to you. Now this happens. It is now a habit to say good night to you everyday. Feels like a couple huh?

Whether it is an infatuation or not, time will tell. Whether it is meant to be, I have no control so why worry? Just give it my best shot, and whatever outcome, I'll accept it. It may shoot me in the ego so badly that I might be crippled, but hey we are all humans. We all have preferences and that's alright. I want to have zero expectation that he will accept me for who I am. I am independent (though I don't feel that way lately), and I can take care of myself.

If it doesn't work out, so what? It's also a blessing because it means that I have more time to myself without committing to another person. I get to do what I want, without thinking of the teamwork. That's the brighter side of things haha yknow what, this really does make me feel better now. I love being alone too, able to make decisions freely, and just playing the role for my family.

If we ever get together, it will just be a topping on top of my already existing ice  cream. I have so many things that I might have taken for granted, but I can work more on improving myself if it doesn't work out. You are not a necessity to my well being, because only I can take care of myself. Loving myself. I don't need to have a relationship to thrive.

Take it slow. Take it slow. Take it slow.

Reflections

It's been so long since I'm back here. Why? Because there's always something on my mind that pulls me back here ha ha ha...

I've been focusing on my career, basically trying to remain useful and afloat in my company. Of course I am kind of enjoying my work (just a little concerned about politics here and there), and I am really learning a lot. So my goal is to just keep questioning things, and pick up some self-learning skills. It has been hard to kick-start my self-learning and all, especially with the recent development.

So let me get back to the main point.

Someone I knew in my previous semester replied on my instastory, and we started texting. It became 'fast and furious' as we continuously let the conversation flow; it became like an everyday routine. We would text before we sleep; we talked about dogs, cats, and anything. I still don't know what this will turn out to be, but we also talked about relationships. So far it has been easy-going, no expectations or whatsoever.

I've been consciously trying to be just myself, and not try to portray myself in a way to impress him (I sometimes do have this habit, just to prove myself?). I've also told myself that I have no expectations, and to just see him for who he is. Just observe him, with zero expectations.

Which means, I'm trying not to overthink about the future or whatsoever. I'm just enjoying the process. As what he mentioned, he thinks that the process is more important and I couldn't agree even more.

Guess our values kind of tie here and there, which are nice to have. But I think we are both just in the middle of figuring out if this chemistry can possibly mean something else or not. Even if it doesn't, it is alright because you can't force it. We can only just follow the flow, and just enjoy whatever comes along.

I also shared with him a video about the missing piece meeting a Big O, and I wondered if he was the kind that wanted his partner to fill in a missing part of him. Or does he want his partner to complement him? Anyway, he thought the video is about loving yourself before loving others, which I agreed.

I shared my perspective on the relationship, which is that both partners should try to be "whole" before entering a relationship. He then read into it, and asked if I wasn't ready for a relationship yet since I'm working on myself. Though I did panicked a little since I was subconsciously hoping he wouldn't give up yet, I thought I should just be honest with myself.

I said that I don't even know if I would ever be ready and that I'm working on both of it at the same time. From my previous experience, I thought I was "whole" but on hindsight, maybe I wasn't. I also questioned how I would know if enough is enough.

He then said that he didn't think there can be a fixed target but rather, when the time comes, I will know whether I am ready. I was like whoah dude, that's deep. He hinted that if he sees an opportunity, he would be willing to try out to see if things could work out.

Then I mentioned to him that I thought I would want to be the best version of myself before entering a relationship, and that I'm still far off from my goals. He kind of picked up that I've still been working on my insecurities, which I supposed scored him a point in my books hahaha okay I digress. Anyway, he said that the idea of being "whole" did not have to be about working on your flaws but rather not being too dependent on the relationship. In an ideal situation, partners can help each other overcome their flaws. He agreed that personal space is really important (which is what I really believe in, because I cannot stand clingy guys), which is another plus point.

Afterwards, he mentioned that I shouldn't worry about being the best version of myself, since the current me is nice too. And "people should like me for being me." which is basically what my friends have been reassuring me whenever I bring up depressing topics like that.

I guess my disability is still affecting my self-confidence, although I've been really trying hard to see it as a part of me. It doesn't define me as a person, but I have to live with it. It has been hard for me to see how can another person be able to live with that part of me. I still can't see it, but I've been slowly accepting my challenges that make me who I am.

I think the real reason why I have been pushing people away is really just this: I didn't want to stay long enough to see how another person can live with that part of me, because I am afraid it will turn them away. Rejection for a part of me that I cannot change.

It will hurt a hell lot, which is what I have been fearing. I think it's time to acknowledge that fear.

Thinking about it, how can I overcome that fear? What do I have that I can offer to my partner? And what are the times I was most proud of myself?

I have so many flaws that I cannot offer. But I think my strength lies in empathy, giving a listening ear, loyalty and usually seeing the brighter side of things. I tend to be proud that I do my best to see things objectively to give advice to my friends, and that gives them the willingness to trust me.

Anyway, while I have so much to think about, I am just going to remind myself that I am not going to think about the future, I will just enjoy the current moments. I will have no expectations, and I will see him for his strengths and flaws, and see if they are within what I can accept.

I have to remind myself that even if it doesn't work out, it really is life. Everybody faces rejections. Whether my time will ever come or not, I don't think I really want to care about it and be anxious about something that I cannot control.

Fighting!

New Chapter

It is over, and I'm flipping to a new page of my story.

It's crazy how time flew so quickly. I've experienced so much and learnt so much about myself and from others. Here's a few things that I believe everyone should remember:

1) That the world needs more kind people, so don't be afraid to show kindness towards others (not to the extent of being a pushover btw). 

2) This quote from a good friend has really, really, really saved me countless of times when I was full of doubt, in a turmoil, or depressed. I'm sharing this with you and I hope that it saves you as much as it saved me. 

You're strong, you're precious and you're irreplaceable for me no matter what people say about you.

So keep pushing on. The dark times will most definitely pass. Rely on your friends and family for support if you have to. You're not late for anything, you just need more time - hence late bloomer.

3) No one is perfect. And that in itself, is perfect. So don't think you're a broken fish in an ocean full of fishes. Somehow, even if you lack something, every fishes will lack something. In the end, you will have something special about yourself that somebody needs. 

4) Life goes on. You cannot cling on to everyone you are friends with, but you can show them your appreciation. Everyone deserves to hear kind words from someone. 

That's all I can think of at the moment. Will add on when I recall more, to remind myself while I move on. 

Rein in your shit

Okay I thought I got over the infatuation pretty fast but I am starting to realise I still treat him differently from how I treat other guy friends. 

I am constantly trying to knock sense into myself (and it worked for a while), but when he asked if he could drink in my room, I nearly lost it. Knowing him, it won't go beyond anything else but I am afraid of myself of what I might do if I get tipsy. 

So I suggested another place which was more public and I can only wait in anxiety if it would even happen (because we have a lot of other commitments). 

For now, I'm struggling to rein in my feelings and to really just see him as a good friend. But even my friend thought that we were a little too close to be just friends, which is now a warning sign. But when we interact, it felt okay? Like we are close and I think we both enjoy each other's company, but there is always nothing beyond that line because we both know about his partner. I also don't feel jealousy about his partner so I'm a little confused if this is just a crush that will eventually pass.

I guess I'll just see it as just close friends or if not, just a passing crush that will eventually be over. 

I'm not going to entertain anymore nasty thoughts. I'll only think about it if it ever happens but it is 100% not going to happen so what's the point of thinking all these weird things.

Delusion

Well I think I'm having some kind of delusion and it very well goes against my morals.

But it is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just lonely because I have had enough of relationship drama (recent one was around two weeks ago) and I swore to myself I didn't want any part of this anymore.

I've recently gotten closer to a very good friend of mine that we hang out every week. And he's the only person who can make me laugh with his messages (meaning our humour matches well). But we cannot and must not go beyond this friendship as he has a partner.

I very well respect his partner. But his actions confused me a little, but I'm quite sure I've been overthinking it. I really have to take more personal space.

But what's strange is that as a friend, nothing more and nothing less, why would you come to me after you did that wipe? I mean my logical thinking was that you would just go straight back to the vehicle. But you ran towards me in the rain, and my heart started pounding. You then looked back and then you tried to joke before awkwardly giving me a pat on my shoulder. It almost felt like he wanted to just hug me but he was afraid of doing more because we both knew he has a partner and this is out of question.

We are both very morally upright people and I think we were kind of compatible as well. So we flirt a little, but nothing more. There's a line.

It is just unfortunate that we didn't meet earlier because he is a sincerely nice person and I've known him for around 3 years? I guess it is fate.

Inside me, I just can't help having this tiny hope (which is fucking wrong of me) so I really have to make space for both of us. I think the memory of him running in the rain towards me is seared in my mind, and it almost felt like there really is something there. My heart just won't stop pounding (because of shock too).

I think he does like me too as a friend or a sister. But I wish he can be more clearer about the latter. And I have to move on because nothing can ever happen between us. I'm sincerely excited for him and his partner, so that's that. I just want to keep him as a friend or whatever that fate chooses.

I'm trying to calm down, but I realise we text each other almost everyday. We just don't run out of things to say.

But I guess when we graduate; we won't have any excuse to meet up and this infatuation of mine will fade away. So I'm just holding on, waiting for this feeling to fade away.

It has to.

Emotional dustbin

I think there's something weird going on. Why do I attract the strangest people of the opposite sex?

A friend asked me for my opinion regarding his emotional baggage (which I regretted asking) and it really made me realise that he was so emotionally clingy to me. It was not a good feeling; in fact I became frightened.

I'm just not prepared to deal with another drama (hence I put some distance and that led to this shit omg I guess it's like either way: one way or another, it will lead to trouble anyway so why bother thinking lmao). I am not ready to shoulder another person's emotions when mine isn't satisfied? Right now I'm just focused on being independent and liking myself for who I am. I am currently not interested in sacrificing myself for others yet like when they're pessimists. I'm not perfect myself, but it's time to stop looking back but forward. I'm more about improvements. If you made a mistake, reflect and pick yourself up.

I've gone through the tiniest fragment of the harsh reality; and it really discourages and saddens me. But give it time, and tell yourself that this is reality and you have to bear with it, and move on. Keep trying to get better than the you yesterday.

I cannot keep up with holding the negativity when it will affect me one way or another. So you ask me why I don't want to continue this friendship? It's because it takes two hands to clap. I cannot support you as a friend when you are not supportive as a friend to me. If it becomes one sided, its exhausting and I get nothing. Humans are like that. We need to get something out of the friendship. My good friends and me; we enjoy each other's company and humour, and same value roots. That's what I look for. We clearly aren't on the same wavelength anymore and it's hard to know you better. You don't bring up funny topics from class or even life, then what stories can you tell me? Nothing. And I tell you stories.

I'm tired of dealing with this shit. It's a waste of time and I might as well spend time alone. I get to do what I like and it's so much better.

I hope you don't think bad about this. It's just that I believe that every meeting has it's own meanings, led by fate. Some people or even friends leave you after they have fulfilled their purposes of teaching you something. I'm not the right friend that you would want to keep with you. You will definitely find better friends. Just take the cue, let things go when it's meant to be.

Getting over

Strangely, I'm still trying to get over you. It doesn't hurt to think of you, but I feel wrapped up in a series of questions: what if I hanged on longer? Was I too harsh? Would I fall in love the longer I know him? Was he actually the right person?

But I'm young. I don't think he is the right person. Maybe I am just desperate for someone to love me the way I am. But you know what, I won't settle for someone who doesn't make my heart beat faster, someone who doesn't make me look forward to seeing him, someone who doesn't make me laugh with his jokes. 

I think he doesn't have to be perfect, the chemistry just has to be there; just like me and my gay friend. Too bad he is gay; we really suited each other and many people thought we were actual couple. 

I have to commit to my decision. Fate has been pushing me away from him; 99% of my friends were so certain that I would find someone better than him.

It is time to be patient; not to RUSH into things; and let him do the chasing. My job is to be myself, and to hang out more and most importantly, live my life productively and happily. 

Even though we broke up, I really treasured what he told me; it made me believe that there are people out there who don't mind. 

"I really don't mind. Nobody is perfect. And that in itself, is perfect." Maybe it's just some mushy words but it really touched me. 

Goodbye to the guy I gave my first kiss to. Although short, you taught me what I really wanted in a relationship, and how I really behave differently. 

I do enjoy the freedom of being single. It felt troubling to be tied down to a person. I think that also shows why he wasn't the right one for me.