Stressing over a sheet of paper really?

 i went to the gym today, and I wondered to myself why am I so stressed out to the point that I kept waking up at 5am. I felt so much brain fog and I flunked my mock paper (even though I passed my first one), and I knew that I was way too tired and stressed out. I knew that it was not reflective of my effort.

Anyway, at the gym, I had some alone time to myself, and I forgot how much I loved it. Doing my own things, not being self conscious, just letting my body put in some effort instead of my mind for a change.

I then realised, it is me falling back to my bad habits. I wanted to pass to impress people. That I could do it in 1.5 years. Anyway, a part of me wants to impress people, the other part of me is like, girl??? Why do you need to impress people? Wasn't the whole point of you doing this exam really so that you have a goal to work towards for Japanese? And isn't it more about communication, rather than passing?? 

I get tremendously stressed out when my motivation comes from impressing people. It was the old me, back in my country, always trying to prove myself to be 'not less' capable than other 'norms'. I had always looked down on myself, my lack of not being able to be complete because of my hearing.

But now, I looked at myself in the mirror while lifting weights. And I was like girl, you're so strong. You're in a different country, different language, yet you're here working with the children, exercising when you couldn't find the time in your home, and also exploring cooking. You cook way better than others! 

I am living life to the fullest now. The exam is just a small part of the experience, but the main experience is being able to connect to one another using a different language. I can feel my children warming up to me, they smile at me so beautifully whenever I try to talk. I truly love them with all my heart. 

I am using this as a level to improve myself so that I can talk to them properly before I leave. My lack of vocabulary, so what? I will just think about how to expand my vocabulary and sentences so that they can understand me. I want to connect with them better, not passing the exam.

I feel a huge burden lifted. I am going to get enough rest, and study, and still hang out with other people without compromising on them. I will just do my best, but it is not everything (this is me throwing myself against the wall to the point that I was not absorbing anything because of my stress). I can't wait to hang out with more people!