Why am I so hard on myself? When things got hard, my first instinct was not to bail. That is a green flag. I'm a mature dater. If I ran everytime relationships got complicated, I'd never be in a long term relationship. I went to work and try to figure out if I can manage conflict together, feel harmony after disharmony, and I know, grow and evolve.
Relationships are messy, awkward, and exhausting sometimes but there is a major payoff if I can figure out together. I am the reason relationships last. I am the glue that keeps people together. I am the sweetie who gives the benefit of doubt because that what needs to happen in healthy relationships. Enough with the "I was so weak, desperate, blind and I should have known earlier", and embrace that I saw the good in the relationship and wanted to give it a fair shot and I'm proud for trying my best and I learnt a lot about myself and what I want in the future relationships.
I need to reflect and think about why I was so attached to him.
1. I just broke up in May last year, and started talking to him in Nov, which was 6 months after. I remember that I was sexually frustrated in between, and then focused on working out to help myself feel good about myself. I felt very low confidence about my body, hence I started signing up gyms, and went for it. I started meeting up with friends, lamented about how close we were to celebrating 3 years together. I started looking at other guys, and deciding to talk to more guys to realise there's better guys than my ex. It worked, I started talking to him and I thought to myself that this is how I wanted to be treated.
2. I miss the feeling of his presence. We talked, and were comfortable with silence. He was not too energetic, he followed the flow when I wanted to do things. Having one stubborn person is enough. It is easy to do things with him. I didn't need to talk a lot.
3. I miss his attention. When he sent me home and chilled with me for at least an hour before he took an hour train back home. Sometimes he'd even miss his own train and took a Grab. He let me cuddle, and he cuddled me by kissing my hair. We intertwined our fingers, and I felt even closer to him and his heart. He also calls me "my girl", "bb", "qt". When he said he was scared he cannot control himself, I was flattered. To me, it meant that he really wanted me and wanted to fuck me as much as I wanted him to fuck me. He's a handsome man, so it is truly flattering that I made him feel that way.
4. I miss his touch. He loves to nonchalantly squeeze my left butt, and sometimes giving it a light pat. I didn't mind it, because it felt so good when he squeezed it, and said it was bouncy. Sometimes when he does it outside, it felt like he was claiming to others that I'm his.
5. I miss his act of service. He'd always hold my bags, he held my hand very tightly everytime we go out. He'd help to translate, he would notice the small things I needed like tissue, water bottle, and would walk around to buy it.
6. I miss his compassion and calm personality. He loves fishes and plants, and would go all out to research on them. It is extremely cute. He is compassionate about animals, esp cats and I love love love cats.
Now I need to face the red flags.
1. His effort started dipping in mid Jan onwards. He said he was tired from travelling from one end to another. I still give him the benefit of doubt because it is truly tiring. But it started triggering my insecurity since we were not official. I started wondering if he cared about me. He said he had no energy to even go out. Texting also went downhill.
2. His broken promises. Firstly, he was okay to accompany me to the blood donation, but when the day came, his excuse was "I don't feel like going out tomorrow". I couldn't see the commitment that he'd be there even if it inconveniences him. He wanted to be there only when he's able to - basically it was all about his own convenience. Secondly, the HK call. I made it clear that I really wanted to call him, and he agreed. However, he was too tired and went to bed 1 hour later. Again, I couldn't see him proving to me that he'll be there despite inconveniences. And now the ghosting part despite his promises that he'd get back to me by 24 Mar.
3. Even when we're together, sometimes he'd want to look at things that interest him. I enjoyed watching him get passionate about plants and fishes, but it is almost like using phone when we're together. Sometimes, there's a sense of disconnect.
4. I noted that he would run away or get quiet whenever things get uncomfortable, even on texts. He'd divert to other topics when he senses discomfort/conflict. It is an avoidant strategy.
5. Insensitive words sometimes. I shared my concern that I'd like him to put in some effort to ask me out, then he said "Then don't be official". It hurt me and made me wonder if he was just trying to please me back then, and wasn't serious about me.
6. Not good at verbalising his thoughts. I've mentioned to him before that I don't know what he's thinking about. He didn't share his thoughts and I didn't force him to, out of respect.
7. Expectation that his partner will be his sole confidant, but he needs to remember that it is still important to have a support group because a partner will definitely 100% fail him. He cannot just rely on his partner, but ofc personal thoughts can be shared.
8. Alone time: he places a lot emphasis on alone time, because it helps him to recharge. But he failed to consider about the people left behind. There needs to be a compromise on how he can still meet their needs, so that he can be left alone. For example, still dropping a text everyday so that the other person knows he is still around. Also, he needs to acknowledge messages from the other person.
9. Excuses (?). He said he's not good at accountability because his family doesn't practise it. Even if that is the case, you shouldn't follow the wrong way. For example, if people jump off the cliff, then do you follow? He's not willing to work on himself even though I tried nudging him to go CHAT and counselling. I sensed that he felt worthless, not a good partner, etc. It could be a sign of depression. He recognised it, but still does nothing about it. He said it'd be harmful to his energy - but he didn't even try.
What am I missing now that he was giving to me?
1. Attention to myself
2. Kindness to myself
3. Love to myself
I need to give myself a safe space, to love myself. To be okay to be alone, and not get triggered by the Hot/Cold. He's truly an avoidant (with symptoms of depression). It's ultimately toxic in the end because I got triggered a lot. He needs to work on himself.
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