Self reflection

I realised a few things:

- If something is not meant to be yours, you won't have it no matter how hard you try.

- Self esteem is a huge problem. If you don't feel like you deserve love, you will never feel good enough for someone who loves you. 

- Karma is real. Whatever comes around, really does. Maybe I'm experiencing a karma because I've hurt someone before. If this is the pain I have to go through (and its intense), I can't imagine the pain she had to go through. I'm so sorry to her for having caused that pain. I don't know how to even make up for it, I hope that my commitment to No Contact and this karma experience can be a small make up to her pain. I've been going through a lot this year, it's like 3 layers below the bottom. 

- I still love and care for him. But it takes two hands to clap. I cannot force him to take responsibility or to take any actions. It has to come from within himself. 

- I have done enough. I am stubborn, maybe he is also stubborn. Hence we are in this situation. But anyway, I have been patient and mindful. 

- My counsellor told me that a trigger is not just a spark. It accumulates. So it is not because of my words that triggered him. It is his own fears that led to this. A fear that it won't work out anyway - that he will be hurt again.

- I have to trust the universe. I could almost hear the universe yesterday, saying "See, this is why I told you to trust the process; trust the universe!"

- My happiness comes from self validation. This period of No Contact has also been beneficial to me. I'm happier. I was happy back then, but fell into despair when the No Contact happened, but it allows me to get used to being alone again. And I feel stabilised again, and happy again. I saw the sunset today and it was stunning. There's beauty in a lot things.

- What may be suffocating now; will pass eventually. Let time pass. And let it go so that energetically, I don't pressurise him anymore. If he comes back, it's a bonus. But if not, I will find someone else anyway. I will be fine regardless of whether he's there or not. Of course, nostalgia is my poison now. But I think it is somewhat fated that I have to meet him, and fall hard for him. I'm still not sure what is the answer behind the meeting. Maybe I will only find out in the future.

- I am a green flag; and I am lovable. A possibility is that he isn't sure of himself, but he doesn't want me to move on as well. It is a selfish behaviour, but my ex has said this before, so in a way, he is clinging on by not giving a conclusive reply. 

- I still like him a lot. But then again; I have to trust the universe. I had put up a ton of filters, and he got through my shields. Water activities, my medical condition, my 2nd language. If he got through them all but it still doesn't work out, maybe he has some criteria or there is some work that has to be done before we can even take a step further. Either I manage to meet someone else even better, or he has the determination to correct it.

- Love requires Action. Trust requires proof. 

- I can miss someone, but not let him step all over me. 

- Sometimes, love is not enough. This is like a classic example. Crazy how movies actually were partially right. Because we loved each other, wanted each other, and somehow it still doesn't work out. Maybe it needs this break to allow each other to work on ourselves in terms of self care, before we can care for one another. 

- I still love him. Its okay to still love him, my feelings are valid. But I should slowly let go, to create a space for someone else to come in. He came in unexpectedly; and left unexpectedly. This is truly the hardship of Life.

- I should do what I feel is best for myself. It doesn't matter about dignity or whatever. If I feel that I need to do something, I should do it. That will help me to move on. 

- I'm happy to be single, to be myself. I don't need a relationship or him to be happy. I liked the way he made me feel, but ultimately, I should continue to love myself. I'm so strong for getting through this period of darkness. Only better things will await me! 

- Better things as in whatever the universe deems as a gift, or deems that is meant for me.

- I love myself. For being so courageous to seek mental help. Even though I still have doubts about being vulnerable especially since I'm so emotionally wounded, I think I can still communicate effectively. And for soldering on, despite the despair I felt. You're so amazing for being so self aware, open, kind and patient. You know that you don't need everyone to like you; you're just authentic. It's amazing truly.

- Everyone has different sides. Just because of this, it doesn't mean that the side I saw over the past few weeks was fake. It just showed a different side of him. His weaker, selfish side.

- We all deserve love. But it does not mean that a sob story will help to pardon all the hurt inflicted on others around you. You had a choice to not inflict that pain. If not, seek help. 

- Trust that it all will work out in the end and enjoy yourself.